My So-Called Life

Angela:
[voiceover] So, I started hanging out with Rayanne Graff, just for fun. Just 'cause it seemed like if I didn't, I would die, or something. ...Things were getting to me. Just how people are -- how they always expect you to be a certain way. Even your best friend. ...Like, with boys, like they have it so easy. Like you have to pretend you don't notice them noticing you. ...Like cheerleaders. Can't people just cheer on their own? Like to themselves? ...School is a battlefield for your heart. So when Rayanne Graff told me my hair was holding me back, I had to listen. 'Cause she wasn't just talking about my hair. She was talking about my life.

Angela:
[voiceover] My dad and I used to be pretty tight. The sad truth is, my breasts have come between us.

Rayanne:
You want to have sex with him.

Angela:
Who?

Rayanne:
Who? Jordan! Catalano? Come on, I'm not going to tell anyone, just admit it.

Angela:
I just like how he's always leaning. Against stuff. He leans great. Either sex or a conversation -- ideally both.

Angela:
[voiceover] My parents keep asking how school was. It's like saying, "How was that drive-by shooting?" You don't care how it was, you're lucky to get out alive.

Rickie:
If you were about to do it, okay, what would you want the other person to say, like, right before?

Rayanne:
This won't take long.

Rickie:
No, seriously.

Rayanne:
Do I know you?

Rickie:
No, like, for real. Like, romantic.

Angela:
You're so beautiful, it hurts to look at you.

Rayanne:
It hurts to look at you?

Rickie:
How'd you think of that?

Rayanne:
Where would it hurt?

Rickie:
I really like that.

Angela:
[voiceover] I've been kissed 3 times. No, 4 times. No, 3 times. All of them were people I never saw again. Which I hope doesn't like, mean something.

Rayanne:
[After Angela has been talking loudly as Jordan walked by] Angela, he's gone. You can talk like a normal person.

Angela:
Oh, God.

Rayanne:
You have got to progress to the next phase of this. I mean, think of Rickie and me. How much more can we take?

Angela:
I just don't want to look like I'm throwing myself at him.

Rayanne:
Excuse me. People throwing themselves at people? Is, like, the basis of civilization.

Rickie:
She has a point.

Angela:
[voiceover] If Jordan Catalano is, like, nearby, my entire body knows it. Like one of those dogs that point? I'll keep talking and stuff, but my mind won't even know what I'm saying. I keep wondering if there's like, a term for this.

Angela:
I'm not saying...see, there's thinking about him, right? Which is what I do, all the time, like, like this ...

Rickie:
Obsession.

Rayanne:
Right, so?

Angela:
So, it keeps me going, or something, like I need it, just to get through the day. It -- it's just ...

Rickie:
It's an obsession.

Angela:
Right. And if you make it real, it, it's not the same. It's not...it's not yours anymore. I don't know -- maybe I'd rather have the fantasy, than even him.

Rickie:
I completely understand this.

Rayanne:
I totally and completely disagree. You want Jordan Catalano, in actuality, because...there is no 'because'! You just want him! Only you're programmed to never admit it.

Rickie:
That does have the ring of truth.

Angela:
[voiceover, regarding Jordan] We both stopped talking. Part of his sleeve was touching my arm. I don't know if he knew. Then everything started to seem perfect for some reason. The feel of his shirt against my elbow, the fact that I still had an elbow. It was the perfect moment for him to kiss me, for him to anything me.

Jordan:
[leans closer, then opens her car door] Well, I gotta go, so... Later.

[Angela gets out]

Angela:
[voiceover] I could have killed him.

Angela:
Dad, I don't feel like talking. No offense.

Graham:
Oh, I don't feel like talking. Certainly not to you. You want me to warm up that spaghetti?

[Angela hands it over]

Angela:
[voiceover] I have to say, when my father warms something up, it tastes better than when anyone else does.

Graham:
So how did your experiment go? with Brian?

Angela:
He did most of it.

Graham:
So was this like, a date?

Angela:
Dad! It's...they're not...people just hang out. They're not -- it's not dates. There's people. Together. In a bunch.

Graham:
So was there someone else there...you like?

Angela:
[voiceover] It's so strange how parents can, out of nowhere, turn psychic. It's unnerving.

Graham:
It's okay to like someone. But, I mean, boys your age can sometimes --

Angela:
Dad, I know. [pause] Can sometimes' what?

Graham:
Can sometimes not know how to be what you want them to be. My point is that...it's really...hard to figure out how to be a man. Practically every man I know is still working on it.

Angela:
[voiceover] Grown-ups like to tell you where they were when President Kennedy was shot, which they all know to the exact second. Which makes me almost jealous -- like I should have something important enough to know where I was when it happened. But I don't, yet. And the fact that it was a better time then, and people knew what they were supposed to do and how to make the world better...now nobody knows anything. We know who's popular, or that Social Studies is boring, or that Brian always has stomach trouble -- but nobody knows anything important. Instead of changing the world, people sit in class and write notes about other people.

Patty:
I'm Patty Chase.

Amber:
Hi.

Patty:
Angela's mom?

Amber:
Oh, WOW. Angela! Oh, Rayanne talks about her all the time. She's in love with her! She wants to be Angela.

Patty:
Really! Gosh, they seem so different.

Amber:
Oh, you know kids. They find one person and they just can't get enough of them! It's like being in love, only they're not allowed to have sex.

Patty:
Riiiight.

Amber:
No, don't you remember? There'd be, like, this one person, who had, like, perfect hair, or perfect breasts, or they were just so funny, and you just wanted to eat them up -- just live in their bed, and just be them. It's like everybody else was in black and white, and that person was in color. Well, Rayanne thinks Angela is in color. Major color.

Angela:
[voiceover] When I was twelve, my mother gave me my sex talk. I'm not sure either of us has fully recovered.

Patty:
Now that you and Jordan are um...

Angela:
Oh, my God. Mom, please...

Patty:
Angela, I can accept that you have a boyfriend.

Angela:
I don't have a boyfriend!

Patty:
Fine. A pal. A male pal.

Angela:
[voiceover] It's such a lie that you should do what's in your heart. If we all did what was in our hearts, the world would grind to a halt.

Angela:
[voiceover] It's amazing the things you notice, like the corner of his collar that was coming undone. Like, he was from a poor family and couldn't afford new shirts. That's all I could see. The whole world was that unraveled piece of fabric.

Rayanne:
Do you ever get, like, hypnotized by food?

Graham:
Hypnotized By Food could be my Indian name. [to Angela] Do you want to flip one?

Angela:
Rayanne can do it.

Rayanne:
I can't believe I'm cooking something, like, not in the pouch.

Angela:
[voiceover] When you're not sure you trust a person anymore -- say, a person you really trusted; say your father -- you start wishing they'd do something, like, really wrong, just so you could be right about them.

Rayanne:
So, not to shock you, but your dad's attractive.

Angela:
Oh, I'm sure!

Rayanne:
Not that I'd attack him, or anything, but I wouldn't leave me alone with him, either. It's not just physical. He's...nice. You just have a really nice dad. He's really nice.

Angela:
[voiceover] When someone compliments your parents, there's, like, nothing to say. It's like a stun gun to your brain.

Rickie:
Plus, his stubble is the perfect length.

Angela:
He doesn't have stubble! He ran out of disposable razors that morning; he was all disturbed about it.

Rayanne:
Oh! In-touch-with-his-emotions Dad!

Angela:
[laughing] Shut up!

Rayanne:
Ignore Angela! She can't help herself -- she's the product of a two-parent household!

Angela:
[voiceover] You know how sometimes the last sentence you said, like, echoes in your brain, and it just keeps sounding stupider? And you have to say something else just to make it stop?

Brian:
Angela, wait. Did you ever think that I could actually be doing something that does not involve you? I mean, that I may not just be sitting around in case you decide like that moment that you need my car?

Angela:
So what were you doing?

Brian:
Nothing! Do you want my sweater?

Angela:
OK.

Brian:
Just, try not to sweat into it.

Angela:
Why do you have to say things like that?!

Angela:
[voiceover] The worst feeling is suddenly realizing that you don't measure up, and that, in the past, when you thought you did, you were a fool.

Angela:
[voiceover] It had become the focus of everything. It was all I could feel, all I could think about. It blotted out the rest of my face, the rest of my life. Like the zit had become...the truth about me.

Patty:
I would think that you would welcome the opportunity to dress up, to look your best.

Angela:
Who am I looking my best for?

Patty:
For you! Of course this is for you! I mean, I don't...

Angela:
Mom, just face the facts, okay?

Patty:
What facts, what?

Angela:
That I'm ugly, okay? Just face it -- I have.

Patty:
How can you say that-- how can you possibly --

Angela:
By looking in the mirror, okay? By looking at you, with the way you look at me.

Patty:
How do I look at you?

Angela:
By the way you instruct me on how to wash my face so I don't get zits. Like you have to fix me, like you're ashamed of me.

Patty:
Oh, no -- Angela, sweetheart, no!

Angela:
You expect me to beautiful, because you're beautiful. Well, I'm sorry -- I'm not. I'm just not.

Sharon:
Why do girls have to tear each other down?

Angela:
I guess 'cause they're jealous. I mean, I was. Of you. For having what you have.

Sharon:
Do you know how many times this week I wished I had what you had?

Angela:
But I don't have anything!

Sharon:
Exactly.

Angela:
Well, this really makes sense.

Sharon:
I guess it just all boils down to what they used to drill into us at Girl Scouts.

Angela:
What, sell more cookies?

Sharon:
No! No, you know -- um...'What you are is' -- no, wait: 'What your gift is --'

Angela:
Oh! No: 'What you have is God's gift to you, and what you do with what you have is your gift to God.'

Angela:
[voiceover] Sometimes it seems like we're all living in some kind of prison, and the crime is how much we hate ourselves. It's good to get really dressed up once in a while, and admit the truth -- that when you really look closely, people are so strange and so complicated that they're actually...beautiful. Possibly even me.

Angela:
[voiceover] Maybe teachers have a hidden life. Where they’re actually... like, human. Where they have, I don’t know... dignity. Or maybe not.

Student:
So why are you here? You the new substitute?

Mr. Racine:
Why am I here? Yeah, good question. I'm the new substitute, yes. I'm here quite simply to get paid. Assuming all of you can read and write, I don't perceive any emergency situation. That's all. Continue wasting your lives. [he pulls a folded newspaper out of his knapsack]

Sharon:
So, um...are we like, dismissed?

Mr. Racine:
Do you want to be dismissed?

Sharon:
No, you just said that...you just said that was all you had to say, so...

Mr. Racine:
I will be here for the next forty-seven minutes. Whether you will also be here for that time is, to be candid, your decision.

Jordan:
What's the catch?

Mr. Racine:
No catch. If you don't want to be here, go. I'm not gonna stop you. [Jordan immediately climbs out of his desk and heads for the door] Well, you know, there is just, you know, one catch. We will be discussing you in your absence, but you know, if you don't mind that...

Jordan:
Yeah, right.

Mr. Racine:
Oh, it's no joke. I have no lesson planned. Trashing you in your absence will help, uh, pass the time. Right? It could, uh, possibly be educational as well.

Angela:
So what are we supposed to do?

[Jordan returns to his seat]

Mr. Racine:
Ah, I've known you all of five minutes and you want me to tell you what you're supposed to do? Fine. Follow your hearts and veer away from heroin.

Angela:
[laughs] No, I meant in the next forty-seven minutes.

Mr. Racine:
I know what you meant, that was sarcasm.

Mr. Racine:
Write it down. Whatever you feel like saying write it down instead. What you never told anyone. What you never even told yourself. And don't fear exposure. No one is to put his or her name down. This will be completely anonymous.

Rayanne:
[whispering to Angela] Just how I like sex.

Patty:
My husband and I read the stuff that the kids wrote --

Mr. Racine:
Hope it didn't give him a heart attack. He seemed a bit fragile.

Patty:
Actually, it isn't my husband who had the problem.

[Mr. Racine smiles]

Patty:
I just think...there's this one piece in particular that I just don't feel comfortable printing.

Mr. Racine:
Oh! You're afraid that Angela wrote it.

Patty:
This has nothing to do with whether Angela wrote it.

Mr. Racine:
So, this is just censorship for censorship's sake?

Patty:
What?

Mr. Racine:
Hand them over. I'll type them myself, and I'll have them Xeroxed.

Patty:
These are children! We are adults! This is not censorship! This is guiding adolescents who need...guidance!

Mr. Racine:
That is a very reasonable opinion, and very clearly stated. Unfortunately, it's total manure.

Patty:
Excuse me?

Mr. Racine:
It's horse manure. I sense you're angry. Are you angry?

Patty:
Yes!

Mr. Racine:
Yes! I sensed that! [laughs]

Patty:
Why is it manure?

Mr. Racine:
Good question. It is manure because this journal should be about giving these students a voice, not about having their thoughts edited. If these kids aren't afraid to put their hearts on the page, why should we be afraid of them?

Patty:
You should really teach full-time.

Mr. Racine:
We have a difference of opinion. Fine. But do you think you should be in the position of deciding because you run a printing press and I don't?

Patty:
Do you expect me to answer that question?

Mr. Racine:
Yes.

Patty:
[pause] No, I don't.

[He hands the papers back to her and starts to leave]

Patty:
So. Did Angela write it?

[He smirks and walks out]

Angela:
I heard you left your family -- abandoned them.

Mr. Racine:
I see.

Angela:
So are you saying you didn't? I mean, what's the truth?

Mr. Racine:
Well, there are a couple of truths. One truth is I left my family. The other truth is my wife is far better off without me. Yes. I got out. I escaped. I broke out of a prison of my own making, and many, many people want to punish me for that -- maybe even you.

Angela:
I'm trying to --

Mr. Racine:
'To' what? To understand? Look, my struggle for freedom is mine. Get your own. Get out before it's too late, Amanda.

Angela:
'Get out'? Get out of what?

Mr. Racine:
That mind-control factory -- that warehouse they store you in because they don't know what else to do with you.

Angela:
You're telling me to drop out of high school?

Mr. Racine:
Good question. Yes. Run for your life. Save your life. Let the walls of your gingerbread house come crashing down. Or not.

Angela:
It's Angela. And I have to say I don't think leaving high school is the answer. I don't think leaving anything is. The thing is...is I kind of admired you.

Angela:
[voiceover] Love is when you look into someone's eyes and suddenly you go all the way inside, to their soul, and you both know instantly. I always imagined I'd fall in love nursing a blind soldier who was wounded in battle. Or maybe while rescuing someone in the middle of a blizzard, seconds before the avalanche hits. I thought at least by the age of 15 I'd have a love life, but I don't even have a like life!

Angela:
[voiceover] Huge events take place on this earth every day. Earthquakes, hurricanes…even glaciers move. So why couldn't he just...look at me?

Angela:
I can go out on dates, right?

Patty:
Yes, but we do have certain ground rules.

Angela:
Like what?

Graham:
Like what?

Patty:
Well, you have a curfew, and we have to know where you're going and with whom, and you can't do any drinking, and you can't get in a car with a boy who's done any drinking, and your father and I have to meet him first, whoever he is. That's it.

Graham:
Wow!

Angela:
You have to meet him first?

Graham:
Yes!

...

Angela:
That is so humiliating. This person means something to me.

Graham:
Is there a person who means something?

Angela:
Yes, and I don't see why you can't just trust that. Why should I have to parade him around in front of you?

Patty:
We just want to drag you down to our level.

Angela:
[voiceover] This life has been a test. If it had been an actual life, you would have received instructions on where to go and what to do.

Sharon:
What.

Rayanne:
So have you and Kyle gone all the way yet?

Sharon:
That is. Completely. None of your business.

Rayanne:
Duh. We aren't friends, due to the fact that neither of us can stand each other. And that's why I asked. Ask me me anything. Go ahead -- it's like, relaxing.

Sharon:
You're so weird.

Rayanne:
Duh squared.

Sharon:
Okay. Look. I made a solemn promise to myself. That I would not go all the way until I was ready. And I'm, like. Sticking to that.

Rayanne:
Well, it sure looks like you are reaching ecstasy when you and Kyle make out in the hall.

Sharon:
Well, yeah! Well, I mean...well, you know how it is.

Rayanne:
Well, yeah, in a way. I mean it's fun and all, but I don't always feel anything. Sometimes I feel numb, or something.

Sharon:
Maybe you just…haven't found the right person.

Rayanne:
I've tried every type of person. [Sharon stares at her] You don't have to look all worried or anything.

Angela:
[Sharon's father has had a heart attack] I wanted to hug Sharon, and tell her things, like how awful I felt, but, it was like I, didn't have the right, because we weren't friends anymore.

Graham:
I landed the account.

Patty:
I don't, understand..

Graham:
When they told me, I don't know, it was like a, this moment because I had to admit that, I didn't want to land it. Because landing it means that, I'm really doing this. This is my job, this is my life, this is it! This is what I really.. - But, look I'm sorry that I couldn't uh..

Patty:
Oh no, that's..

Graham:
..You know, handle it or whatever..

Patty:
That's okay..

Graham:
But look, I landed it right? - That's all that matters.

Patty:
I don't think so. I don't think that's all that matters.

Graham:
Say what you mean.

Patty:
I'm proud of you, I'm glad you landed the account, and you're fired.

Graham:
What?!

Patty:
You're fired, because I love you, because I don't want to lose you.

Graham:
Uh, no, no Patty it's okay, I-I-I can fix my responsibilities..

Patty:
I know it, but you're not happy, you're not. You're.. [sighs] something has to change.

Graham:
What'll we do? I mean...

Patty:
I don't know..

Graham:
What'll I do? I don't even..

Patty:
I don't know what you're gonna do.. I guess you're finally going to figure it out.

Sharon:
Why can't you even be nice to me?!

Angela:
[shouting] Why do you need me to be nice to you, since everyone else in the world is?!

Sharon:
It's not like that...You are the one person I needed it most from.

Sharon:
My father almost died. And you were the only person who didn't even seem to care, people I barely knew, were coming up to me all like, concerned, and you, you acted like you barely even knew me.

Angela:
[Beginning to cry] I know, I know I acted like that. I just didn't know what else to do.. I knew I was the last person on earth you wanted to deal with..

Sharon:
[Beginning to cry] You were, the only, person, I wanted to deal with..

Angela:
[Crying] I wanted to talk to you too, it just seemed like, you wanted help from everyone but me!

Sharon:
I was, really scared.

Angela:
I was too. [They hug]

Sharon:
[Crying] I know, I know we have different friends now, but sometimes I miss you so much!

Angela:
Me too..

Sharon:
It really, hurt.

Angela:
[Smiling, and offering hand like when they were young] Squeeze my hand as hard as it hurts..

Angela:
[voiceover] There are so many different ways to be connected to people. There are the people you feel this unspoken connection to, even though there's not even a word for it. There's the people who you've known forever who know you in this way that other people can't because they've seen you change...they've let you change.

Angela:
[voiceover] When I was little I, like, worshiped Halloween. And truthfully, part of me still does. 'Cause it's your one chance all year to be someone else.

Angela:
[voiceover] Does anybody know Jordan Catalano? That question, like, got to me. I mean, I'd had seven conversations with him, and one really bad kiss, and one amazing one...But did I, like, know him?

Angela:
[voiceover] When someone dies young, it's like they stay that way forever, like a vampire.

Rayanne:
[hold up tissues] Wanna stuff?

[Angela scoffs]

Rayanne:
What?! Its how they did it in the old days!

Rayanne:
I saw you watching me.

Brian:
What? I'm just... I... When?

Rayanne:
Today. Shaving my legs.

Brian:
Well, yeah. I'm, um... Look, I'm... My hobby is photography, so I'm, like, trained to notice stuff.

Rayanne:
Being the stuff people notice is my hobby. I mean, I live for it.

Angela:
[voiceover] Walking into someone's house for the first time is like entering another country. Not that I've ever been to another country.

Angela:
Sometimes I think if my mother wasn't so good at pretending to be happy, she'd be better at actually *being* happy.

Rayanne's mom:
When I get back, we're gonna have a long talk, Rayanne Marie! But, tonight, you're too drunk! You're like a drunken old fool! I want this place cleaned up by the time I get home!!

[she leaves, and Rickie and Angela run to Rayanne. Rickie holds her]

Rayanne:
[weakly] Why is it so cold, Rickie? Why is it so cold?...

Patty:
Rayanne reminds me a lot of a roommate I had in college.

Angela:
Well, did you like her??

Patty:
Yeah. But, one night something happened.

Angela:
What happened?

Patty:
Oh, the same thing that happened with Rayanne tonight. Except she died.

Angela:
I'm sorry, Mom.

Patty:
No. Honey, you did the right thing, calling me.

Angela:
[voiceover] Each card has a name: The Magician, The Empress, The Fool, The Wheel of Fortune, Strength. They represent challenges and tests, twists of fate. No card is all good or all bad. Cards can be positive or negative depending on where they fall. When you read someone's future, they must think of a question. They must hold it in their mind. The cards are read in sequence, each card leads to the next. We move from terror and loss to unexpected good fortune and out of darkness, hope is born.

Brian:
[voiceover] My mother's a behavioral psychologist, and my father's a Freudian psychiatrist, which basically means they fundamentally disagree on, like, everything.

Brian:
[voiceover] I became yearbook photographer because I liked the idea that I could sort of watch life without having to be part of it. But when you're yearbook photographer, you're, like, never in the picture.

Angela:
Brian, this was all my fault..

Brian:
'[voiceover] Her hair smelled incredible.

Angela:
...I mean, I ruined your night. And Delia's night. I should have just stayed out of it.

Brian:
[voiceover] Like this orange grove we passed when I was eight on our way to see my grandmother.

Angela:
And I can't really explain why I even got involved. But I'm sorry.

Brian:
[voiceover] But I guess that's just like her shampoo, or whatever.

Angela:
What'd you tell Rickie?

Brian:
I told him not to come over here.

Angela:
But, hes my friend!!

Brian:
Yeah. I know, He's mine, too, but, just in case we wanted like privacy-

Angela:
Why would we want privacy?!

Brian:
Well, just in case.....

Angela:
What do you think is going on here, Krakow?!

Brain:
Well, uh....

Angela:
What did you tell Delia?! I explained to you why I wanted a ride to the dance! And it wasn't to come with you! You don't understand people, Krakow! You're so heartless!

Brian:
[voiceover] Finally, an erection from actual physical contact!

Angela:
[voiceover] There's something about Sunday night that really makes you want to kill yourself...And that creepy '60 Minutes' watch that sounds like your whole life ticking away.

Angela:
[voiceover] So I tried to be invisible. It's surprisingly possible. You just sit in the back and keep quiet and let the boys shout out the answers, which they will, even if they're wrong. Boys are less afraid of being wrong.

Angela:
[voiceover] There are certain places in life. Certain places where only certain people go. Like, there's this line that you know not to pass. Like, there's this boiler room, in the basement by the north exit, where only certain people go. For only one reason....

Rayanne:
Angela, I can handle the boiler room. You, however can't!

Katimski:
What kind of girl is Shakespeare describing here? Is she the most beautiful girl?

Brian:
No.

Katimski:
Is she a goddess? Physically perfect? The kind of girl who stops traffic when she walks down the street?

Brian:
[laughs] No.

Katimski:
So he's not in love with her?

Jordan:
Yeah. He is.

Katimski:
Why is that? Why is he in love with her? What is it? What is it about her?

Brian:
She's not just a fantasy. She's got, like, flaws. She's real.

Angela:
[voiceover] I couldn't stop thinking about it -- the like, fact of it. That people had sex. That they just had it. That sex was this thing people had. Like a rash, or a Rottweiler. Everything started to seem, like, pornographic or something. Like, Miss Krzyzanowski had sex. So does Mr. Katimski. They both have sex. They could have sex together, like right now. I am, like, the sickest person.

Jordan:
[to Angela, about sex] It's accepted! It's what you're supposed to do! Unless you're like...abnormal?

Brian:
My parents have a vibrator. It sounds like a lawnmower.

Angela:
[voiceover] Sometimes someone says something really small and it just fits right into this empty place in your heart.

Angela:
[voiceover] People always say how you should be yourself. Like yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster or something. Like you know what it is, even. But every so often, I'll have, like, a moment when just being myself, and my life, like, right where I am, is, like, enough.

Counselor:
I just need to know that you have a support system in place.

Rayanne:
I don't need a support system. I got friends.

Counselor:
That's exactly why I'm raising this. I mean, didn't you mention to me that you've had some feelings of distance from your friends since, you know... the incident?

Rayanne:
What incident?

Counselor:
I'm talking about the night you nearly died, the night that Angela's mother rushed you to the hospital. Now didn't you tell me that since that night you've felt some distance between yourself and your friend Angela?

Rayanne:
I never said 'distance.' I just don't see her that much. It's not 'cause a some incident, it's, it's 'cause she's got this guy that she's, like, involved with. Which she wouldn't even have if it wasn't for me.

Counselor:
And you don't feel any awkwardness around Angela?

Rayanne:
No. The thing with Angela is that even with this stupid obsession with this guy, she's, like, totally there for me.

Patty:
Why is that, though, do you suppose? I mean, why is it so taboo? Why, why is it that, that you can't speak to people honestly about their children?

Graham:
Because-- I'm gonna kill you. Oh, Patty, it's like twelve-fifteen already.

Patty:
I know, I know, I know. Okay, I'm gonna stop obsessing about this, starting now. 'Night.

Graham:
'Night. Because. [Graham turns on the light] Because nobody wants to hear something like that. Nobody wants to hear they may have made a mistake with their kids. Nobody wants to be accused of not being a decent parent. I mean, it-it is, it is an unwritten law, whatever goes on in your family is your business, period. Nobody else's.

Patty:
Do you mind? I'm trying to sleep here. Do you really believe that? I mean, you really believe that it would be that much of an intrusion to casually and non-confrontationally mention to someone that you happen to be a little concerned about their child?

Graham:
Uh, okay, okay. How would you respond to something like that? You know, some friendly, well-meaning comment like that?

Patty:
Poison dart. Ohhh.

Angela:
There's this thing tonight at this coffeehouse, Vertigo, and I-I promised Rayanne I would ask if I could go, but I-I don't even really want to go, and I feel so guilty. See she's, she's singing, um, with this, this band that-- all right, fine, it's Jordan Catalano's band, but this has nothing to do with Jordan, or the fact that we broke up or, or anything, that's what's so weird, it's something between Rayanne and me...I-I can't even describe, but it's there, and it's been there for, like, a while, since that night w when you had to drive her to the hospital. It's this thing that we never talk about. [She picks up a pile of clean laundry] So these are mine? Thanks, I was kinda low on clean socks. [She hugs Patty] Thanks for listening. [leaves]

[Patty stands, stunned]

Graham:
It's okay. She'll ignore you for another month just to make up for it.

Patty:
I know.

Rayanne:
Just so you know, I, uh, I didn't drink yhat whiskey. I poured it back. You can ask Angela.

Patty:
You haven't had one drink? Since that night in the hospital?

Rayanne:
No. Swear to God.

Patty:
Why didn't you tell me that you had stopped seeing your counselor?

Rayanne:
I don't know. Maybe just 'cause I wanted you to think I was okay, so you wouldn't mind if I, you know, stayed friends with Angela.

Patty:
I guess she means a lot to you, huh?

Rayanne:
I guess that's, like, the one thing you and I have in common.

[Rayanne gets out of the car]

Rayanne:
Thanks for the ride, Mrs. Chase.

Patty:
Rayanne?

Rayanne:
Yo.

Patty:
Apparently you and I are in the same karass. Call me Patty.

[Rayanne leaves, then comes back]

Rayanne:
Patty, thanks. For, like...for my life.

Angela:
[coming out on the fire escape] Hi. I've never been out here before. So Rickie was really scared. I mean, I was, too. [silence from Rayanne] So, what, you're mad at me? Because I didn't get to hear you sing?

Rayanne:
You didn't miss much, just me making a fool out of myself, and you've seen that plenty. Right? Anyway, I knew you wouldn't show. I can't stand these looks anymore.

Angela:
What looks?

Rayanne:
You and Rickie looking at me like I'm gonna lose control, like any minute I'm gonna go on some jag or something. I just can't stand knowing what you're thinking about me.

Angela:
What? What am I thinking?

Rayanne:
I'm messed up. That I'm too messed up for you to be my friend anymore.

Angela:
Rayanne, that's not true. I never-- I'm still your friend. Nothing's changed. [voiceover] But that wasn't completely true either. And we both, like, knew it.

Danielle:
It's not fair. Angela got a new bike when she was eleven.

Graham:
What do you do? Keep like running tally of everything we bought for Angela?

Danielle:
Well, yeah.

Patty:
Oh, a Christmas card from the Levettis?

Graham:
So?

Patty:
Well, I finally took them off the list! We haven't laid eyes on them since Danielle started solids, and now out of nowhere they send this?

Graham:
Patty, it's a greeting card, not a dead fish.

Danielle:
Do we have to keep talking about religion? It's Christmas.

Rayanne:
Boy, people get swept up in this Christmas thing, huh?

Angela:
You mean you don't?

Rayanne:
Yeah, but my mom and I like to wait... for stuff to go on sale.

Sharon:
Krakow, this is when people need the helpline, okay? People get so stressed over this holiday stuff, they experience actual symptoms of depression, or whatever. Like, total helplessness and despair. And, like, loss of appetite, or whatever.

Angela:
[voiceover] What I was thinking, as like a New Year's resolution, is to stop getting so caught up in my own thoughts, 'cause I'm like way too introspective...I think.

Sharon:
[voiceover] I resolve to never again have sex with Kyle, or anyone, again, unless I really love and respect them.

Kyle:
[voiceover]... to spend more time with the dog, and Sharon.

Katimski:
[voiceover] ... um, give up coffee, there, that's an easy one.

Brian:
[voiceover] I resolve to stop obsessing over Angela Chase.

Danielle:
[voiceover] ... to badger Mom into letting me wear make-up.

Rickie:
[voiceover] ... to find some place where I like really, belong.

Angela:
[voiceover] ... but what if not thinking turns me into this shallow person? I better rethink this becoming less introspective thing.

Rayanne:
[voiceover] ... to stop drinking, but this time, like, really stop.

Patty:
[voiceover] I resolve to be less judgmental, less critical, to lighten up! And above all, to be more supportive, and less suspicious [about Graham] no matter how much it seems like he's hiding something.

Graham:
[voiceover] ... to tell Hallie Lowenthal once and for all that I'm not going into restaurant business with her... And to stop all those long talks with her after class.

Jordan:
[voiceover] Wait a second, isn't tonight, New Year's Eve?

Angela:
[voiceover] ...okay, so I'll stay introspective, but I do resolve to stop doing Jordan Catalano's homework.

Angela:
[voiceover] The thing about resolutions is, it's hard to remember them around somebody like Jordan Catalano.

Jordan:
This is wrong.

Angela:
What?

Jordan:
You, doing my homework, it's wrong.

Angela:
Well I was just trying to help.

Jordan:
It's like I'm taking advantage of you or something.

Angela:
You're not taking advantage of me.

Jordan:
Yeah I am. It would be different if we were like...but now you're just...you know, a friend or whatever. [pause] I can't do this anymore.

Angela:
[voiceover] I couldn't believe it, for the first time in my life I actually stuck to a resolution.

Girl:
Do you have like an eraser I could use for a second?

Brian:
I think so..

Girl:
My eraser like won't erase.

Brian:
Um, here you can keep it.

Girl:
Thanks.

Brian:
What?

Jordan:
She would sleep with you.

Brian:
What?!

Jordan:
She, would sleep, with you.

Brian:
Because I gave her my eraser?

Jordan:
No..Because, because she would. Go get her number.

Brian:
What?! How am I supposed to get her number? I just like ask her just ask some girl I don't even know for her number? Like, without warning?

[Jordan goes over to girl. Returns and tosses the number on the desk]

Jordan:
So, anyway, The Odyssey? Is like this real long book right? And ah, I..

Brian:
I don't believe this..[looking at number] I don't..you like dothis? This is like how you live?

Jordan:
Yeah.

[Brian starts laughing, Jordan joins him]

Angela:
[walks in] Hi! What's so funny?

Jordan:
Nothing.

Brian:
You sort of had to be there..[more laughing] I have to sharpen my, my pencil..[gets up, laughs]

Angela:
Look, if this weird for you, being tutored? I don't mind helping you a little longer.

Jordan:
It's not so weird.

Angela:
Oh, so, huh. Good!

Jordan:
You could, have sex with me though..[Angela laughs] if you really want to help. [Angela gets up, laughing] I guess that's a, no.

Angela:
[Laughing] I'll let you get back to your work...

Angela:
[voiceover] I loved Jordan Catalano so much, and talked about him so much, and thought about him so much, it was like he lived inside me. Like he had taken possession of my soul, or something. And then one day...I got over him! [Angela dances and sings to "Blister In The Sun"]

Angela:
[voiceover] It was like Jordan Catalano had been surgically removed from my heart... and I was free.

Rayanne:
I've never really hurt somebody this bad before... Hard to believe! I mean, but I guess you can't hurt somebody this bad, unless you really matter to them.

Mr. Katimsky:
[explaining a scene from Our Town to Rayanne] Emily is dead.The life she had is over. That's a pretty big deal. I mean — oh, gee whiz, she is just now realizing how precious every moment of that life really was, and that she never fully appreciated what she had. Just imagine what that must feel like, Rayanne.

Rayanne:
You lost nothing Angela, You lost nothing you lost a lousy selfish friend and a guy you never really had, you lost nothing, I lost a really good friend. I lost everything.

Danielle:
[voiceover] My whole life, is waiting for something to happen.

Danielle:
[voiceover] My life is different people kicking me out of different rooms.

[Kyle and Warren are listening through the door]

Kyle:
Brian Krakow has Rayanne Graff chained to a bed, and they're all watching.

Rayanne:
[talking about key for handcuffs] Brian, you idiot, that's not gonna fit. It's too big!

[Guys outside snicker]

Danielle:
You're awake?

Rayanne:
I can't sleep. Too bored to sleep. Could you do me a favor?

Danielle:
I could for money.

Rayanne:
Girl after my very own heart. Okay, here's what you do. You go down to the liquor cabinet. You give me a bottle. Anything brown. I'll give you a dollar.

Danielle:
Nope.

Rayanne:
Two dollars.

Danielle:
It's wrong to drink.

Rayanne:
You have a real miserable side to you, you know that?

Danielle:
My parents say you're a bad influence. I heard 'em talking about the things you do. Why do you do 'em?

Rayanne:
I don't know. See, okay, when I look at myself, I see everything in, like, slow motion, and I think, "Something has to happen." Only, it never does. So I have to make it happen.

Rayanne:
Look, I don't want to get into any big discussion or anything.

Angela:
Oh, neither do I.

Rayanne:
Oh, then why'd you ask me to stay?

Angela:
The key? [Rayanne smiles, pretends she doesn't have it, before returning it] I knew you couldn't resist.

Rayanne:
Party pooper.

[Rayanne leaves]

Angela:
Weekend from hell.

Danielle:
[voiceover] That was the best weekend of my entire life.

Brian:
[voiceover, writing a love letter on behalf of Jordan] Dear Angela, I know in the past I've caused you pain and I'm sorry. And I'll always be sorry 'till the day I die. And I hate this pen I'm holding because I should be holding you. I hate this paper under my hand because it isn't you. I even hate this letter because it's not the whole truth. Because the whole truth is so much more than a letter can even say. If you want to hate me, go ahead. If you want to burn this letter, do it. You could burn the whole world down. You could tell me to go to hell; I'd go, if you wanted me to. And I'd send you a letter from there. Sincerely, Jordan Catalano.

Rickie:
Brian, did you do something... or something?? What did you do?

Brian:
I wrote this letter... to her.

Rickie:
Oh my God, and she thinks he wrote it.

Patty:
It's always tempting to lose yourself with someone who's maybe lost themselves. But eventually, you want reality.

Rickie:
Uh, Delia? Maybe we should, uh, go somewhere sometime?

Delia:
Okay.

Rickie:
You know, like, uh, to a movie or something.

Delia:
I'd like that.

Rickie:
'Cause, um, I, I really think that we'd be good together.

Delia:
Okay, but um, you're gay, right?

Rickie:
Well, I, you know, I, I-

Delia:
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't-

Rickie:
No, it, it, it's okay.

Delia:
That came out so rude.

Rickie:
No, uh, see I, I try not to, um, no, I, I don't like, uh... Yeah, I'm gay. I just don't usually say it like that.

Delia:
And how do you usually say it?

Rickie:
I don't usually say it. I mean, I've actually never said it... out loud.

Delia:
I'm honored.

Rickie:
Uh, Delia, if I were attracted to girls, I'd be attracted to you.

Angela:
Brian? Brian, look at me. [pause] Um, that letter I told you about...um, Rickie said you wrote it. And I have to know, because...

Brian:
Know what? There's nothing to know. [pause] OK, what Rickie probably meant is that...see Jordan Catalano asked me to like proofread it for grammatical errors.

Angela:
You proofread a love letter?!

[pause]

Angela:
Is this like a game to you?

Brian:
Um, hardly!

Angela:
But you admit that you were involved.

Brian:
I'm not admitting anything.

Angela:
This is a joke, right? The...the two of you...Oh God. I can't believe I fell for it. It's obviously a total lie!

Brian:
No, I meant every word. [pause] I mean the person who wrote it meant every word...probably.

Angela:
[looking at him in a new light] Brian?

Brian:
I didn't write it!

Angela:
Brian, you said...

Brian:
Forget what I said. Forget this whole conversation!

Angela:
How?

Brian:
You liked it though right? It made you, like happy?

Angela:
Yeah.

Brian:
'Cause that's all that, you know, matters.

Angela:
To who?

Brian:
To, you know, the person...who wrote it.