NCIS

Ducky:
Agent Blackadder reminds me of a young woman I autopsied once.

Gibbs:
[looking at the body] When'd she die?

Ducky:
Oh, gosh, in Hollywood. Let's see, it's got to be at least 20 years ago. She was an assistant film editor and the film editor's wife caught them in flagrante delicto--

Gibbs:
[interrupting] This one, Ducky. When did this one die?

Gibbs:
Cause of death?

Ducky:
Well, it wasn't the arrow.

Tony:
[refering to the Caf Pow] Is that number 2 or 3 today?

Abby:
If you must know, it's number 4.

Tony:
[holds up evidence bag] I brought you a present.

Abby:
[smiles] And you wonder why you're still single.

Tony:
You redecorating?

Abby:
I thought I'd brighten the place up a bit.

Tony:
You take these?

Abby:
Yeah, that's a cross section of what a 12 gauge did to an L3 to L5.

Tony:
Shotgun-shattered backbone?

Abby:
Ya, the middle one there is a cross section of an icepick to a cerebellum.

Tony:
[grimaces, then looks at another picture] Duodenum?

Abby:
Yeah; I like to call it "Duodenum with a lye chaser". It's a sad end of a Drano drinker.

Tony:
You need to get out more, Abby.

Abby:
Is that an invite?

Abby:
[lifting a fingerprint for the victim's car] Let your fingers do the talking. [to Tony] Why'd they tow it?

Tony:
It was abandoned in a lot at Great Falls. Any of those finger prints big enough to be a man's?

Abby:
Yep. Whoever was riding shotgun.

Tony:
How fast can you run 'em?

Abby:
Usually about 12 hours, but for dinner...

Tony:
Get me an ID in two, and I'll make it Cafe Alantico.

Abby:
Sweet.

[Gibbs and Rabb are in the interrogation room at NCIS headquarters]

Gibbs:
You're more comfortable asking questions than you're answering them.

Rabb:
Guess I'm not used to being a suspect.

Gibbs:
Suspect? You said you were a suspect. Have I read you your Article 31 rights?

Rabb:
No you haven't. Which means you're playing a very risky game, Gunny.

Gibbs:
I'm not smart enough to play risky games with a lawyer of your caliber, Rabb.

Rabb:
That's Commander Rabb. Or Commander. Or Sir, Gunny. I believe as a reservist, you're still technically in the Marine Corps.

Gibbs:
[calmly] I'm an NCIS special agent. I don't have to salute you or "sir" you or give you any military courtesy. But you know that. So who's playing the games here?

[Silence]

[Vivian is reading Rabb his rights]

Rabb:
I know my Article 31 rights, and I waive them.

[she continues reading them]

Rabb:
I said I waive them.

Gibbs:
She used to be FBI.

Rabb:
There are enough holes in this case to raise reasonable doubt.

Lt. Cmdr. Coleman:
There is also enough evidence to tie you to the murders and a string of witnesses. Your colleagues will testify to angry words between you and Lieutenant Singer right up to the time of her death.

Rabb:
Well, it could be worse, I guess.

Coleman:
How?

Rabb:
I could not have an alibi.

Coleman:
[in annoyance] You have an alibi?

Rabb:
No.

[Ducky is telling his findings in court]

Major McBurney:
What else did you discover?

Ducky:
On her left buttock, I found a tattoo of a stalking leopard. Majestic. Brilliant. I've only seen one other like it: on a tango dancer in Buenos Aires who died of dehydration. I was on sabbatical at the ti--

McBurney:
[interrupts] Doctor, I was asking about Lieutenant Singer.

Ducky:
She wasn't in Buenos Aires...

Coleman:
Doctor isn't it possible that the LT's injuries were a result of an accidental fall?

Ducky:
[very seriously] Well the railing is very high. It's quite unlikely. Unless the LT's unconscious body levitated and dropped over the side. I've heard--

Coleman:
[cutting him off] Thank you Doctor.

[after finding Commander Rabb's name on the hat]

Abby:
If the hat does fit, you can't acquit.

[both lawyers give Abby a funny look]

Abby:
Oh, come on; one of you would have said it if you had thought of it first.

Vivian:
I'm sorry, I almost blew it.

Gibbs:
[disapprovingly] Almost?

Tony:
I still like you.