Never Mind the Buzzcocks, Series 23

James:
Hello, and welcome to a brand new series of Never Mind the Buzzcocks. I'm James Corden, I'm your host this week, and we welcome back our new permanent team captain, Mr. Noel Fielding! [applause] Now I know what you're all thinking. This is the show where you come on and you get mocked by a cruel host. Well, look; not anymore. Okay? Not on my watch. I mean, you can be short, or fat, or old, or weird, or American, or...[looks at Paloma]...uh, don't know what that is!

James:
Those are our teams. Let's clap and make a pop quiz!

[after Paloma has sang an excerpt of her song Stone Cold Sober upon James' request]

Noel:
I'm slighty in love with Paloma!

Phil:
Noel, when you're giving the loving look to Paloma, can you make sure you give it to her? Because I just got a flash of it then. Got a flash of it myself and I started ovulating!

Noel:
I'm thinking that for the first sort of gift on a date it'd have to be a rainbow. I'd have to give your section of a rainbow.

[Paloma gasps dreamily]

James:
Paloma just went, [imitates her], like it could actually happen! Like that was a possible gift!

Paloma:
But that's the problem, see, is people don't believe in these things anymore and they should!

James:
They don't believe in what?

Noel:
We've all got rainbow saws. Where was yours? They're like hacksaws, but they're longer!

Paloma:
It's just so wonderful, if you would just join us...

James:
I know, but this is the thing. You want to know what? The only problem here...he's doing this for comic effect. You're actually being serious!

[Everybody laughs and applauds again]

James:
Janeane, I imagine you're a big fan of Blue?

Janeane:
I like their early stuff.

[during a game of Next Lines]

James:
One for the money and the free rides...

Phil:
...two for the go-karts and the windmills!

[during a game of Next Lines]

James:
Last year, I'm so 3008...

Noel:
...come in and shut the garden gate!

[during a game of Next Lines]

James:
They call me her. They call me Jane...

Phil:
...they call me Trixie! They call me Penny! They call me Angela! They call me Sue!

James:
At the end of that, Noel's team have 8. Phil's team, you've got 3.

[Paloma stars making a "come here" gesture]

James:
You've also got Paloma.

Paloma:
I'll enjoy this, no matter what happens.

James:
You bet you are!

Noel:
Paloma, I love your outfit. It's one ot the best I've ever seen.

Paloma:
Thank you very much.

Noel:
You look like a children's bullfighter!

[Everybody laughed while James laughed even more hysterically]

James:
So here we are. I've got my fact sheet on Paloma. Paloma is a prolific do-gooder. She once put a pair of Kylie Monouge tickets in her local records shop in the hope that they would find a good home. [the audience awes and applauds as Paloma blows a kiss] They were used tickets! Old tickets!

Paloma:
That's not true!

Ben:
And then she told everybody about it!

Paloma:
I didn't! I told one journalist!

[Everybody cracks up while James laughs even more hysterically]

Rhod:
Hello, and welcome to Never Mind the Buzzcocks! I am Rhod Gilbert, Wales' answer to the question "Oi, Wales, who's that comedian of yours - no, not Rob Brydon - the other one who keeps trying to convince us to visit your shitty country?"

Greg:
Last time I went home to visit my mum, for some strange reason we ended up watching a Marilyn Manson video together, and at the end of it after hed been screaming with his wonky eye and stuff and it sort of faded out, there was just this awkward silence, and she turned to me and went... (tuts) "what a wally!"

Rhod:
Gabby, you're not left out of these rock and roll antics, 'cos everybody thinks you're really boring... (audience laughter) but I read in my notes that you went to Steve Cram's New Year's Eve party!

Gabby:
(laughs) You're a tosser! (Rhod laughs) At midnight we all ran round the garden, and we timed it. It was just amazing.

Rhod:
Is that where you met your husband?

Gabby:
No. Do you think all sports people get together on New Year's Eve at another famous sports person's house and then you marry...?

Noel:
Pretty much.

Rhod:
I read that you met him in a party, and I thought you can't have been to two! It's Kenny Logan, your husband of course, 'cos he thought he was chatting up Gaby Roslin! He did, it's true!

Gabby:
Not because he thought I looked like her, he just couldn't believe there were two people called Gabby who managed to get a job on telly, so he just assumed in the dark that I was Gaby Roslin.

Rhod:
When did you break the news to him?

Gabby:
Within minutes.

Rhod:
Of...? (audience laughter and applause)

Jeremy:
I thought that he put his genitals on a guy's head, cos the guy was a... He was a bouncer at a show, and he was standing in the front, and Marilyn Manson was performing, and he took his pants off and just stuck his wee on the guy's head...

Rhod:
Stuck his what?

Jeremy:
Wee, isn't that what you say? His willy...

Phill:
Yeah, an entire video game system on the guy's head!

Phill:
Excuse me?

Rhod:
A wallaroo and a goat...

Phill:
Is that some mythical Welsh creature?

Rhod:
I've got no idea, I'm guessing.

Phill:
WHAT KIND OF A HOST ARE YOU!?

Rhod:
I don't know, it doesn't say...

Martin:
How did it get him in trouble then?

Rhod:
Well that's sort of the question I'm asking you lot!

Martin:
Well that's no good is it?

Greg:
I feel sorry for poor old Vanilla, he always pops up for people to take the mickey out of...

Martin:
Because he was rubbish!

Greg:
He's not, he's the only popular artist in history whose head is exactly the same width as his neck.

Rhod:
It looks like somebody gave a Pez machine a haircut, doesn't he!

Greg:
I thought he was great.

Rhod:
Really?

Greg:
No! And also, you know he did some brilliant threats, Vanilla Ice, like lots of modern day rappers actually threaten to cut you and stuff, he just sort of threatened to cook for you, didn't he. "Quick to the point, to the point no fakin', cooking MCs like a pound of bacon."

Rhod:
Vanilla Ice appeared on the reality show The Farm in 2003. When asked why he agreed to do the show he said "well, I looked at my diary and saw there was a gap between June 1992 and my passing unnoticed into a crematorium oven." Vanilla Ice found fame difficult. We can relate to that - one minute you're a star on one of Britain's best loved soaps, the next you're sitting on a panel show with a teammate who looks like the bloated corpse of Rik Mayall!

Rhod:
A bit of a clue to get the band - you need these to put on glasses.

Greg:
I'm sorry, you're so Welsh I didn't understand a word of that! What, hands?

Rhod:
No, close...

Greg:
Ears...

Rhod:
Close. Go on, what else do you need to put on glasses?

Greg:
What do you mean? Ears or hands, there's nothing else you need.

Rhod:
Yes there is!

Greg:
Well let's go through the process... (Phill repeatedly takes off his glasses and puts them back on, emphasizing the elbows)

Gabby:
Elbow joints, elbow joints...

Greg:
I can do, look, hands, arms...

Rhod:
Right, you try it, try it only using your hands and your ears then.

Phill:
This doesn't work! (Phill raises his arms with his glasses in his hands, not bending his elbows) Because...?

Greg:
Depth of perception? Alright, so hands, and arms and muscular structure within the body? I hate this quiz! (Phill blows a handheld fan into Greg's face)

Rhod:
Is that a normal size windmill? (Audience laughter and applause. Greg picks up the fan) Come on, what do you need to put your ruddy glasses on, you dick?

Greg:
This better specifically be something you need to put your glasses on. I'm gonna come over there and twat you I swear to God!

Rhod:
Okay, I'm handing it over...

Gabby:
I think it's Elbow.

Rhod:
It is Elbow...

Greg:
(incredulously) What!?

Noel:
And you thought Gabby was retarded!

Phill:
Title of the track?

Rhod:
Just name an Elbow song.

Noel:
We don't know an Elbow song!

Rhod:
It was One Day Like This, and this is what it should've sounded like...

(The intro to "One Day Like This" by Elbow plays in. Phill slowly raises his arms with his glasses in his hands above his head.)

Dermot:
David, can we talk about your panda book, which contains 100 completely made-up facts about pandas. Were they all made up?

David:
Well you be the judge. If a panda gets struck by lightning, its white hair turns black and its black hair turns white, and they're known as negative pandas, but if it gets struck by lightning a second time it reverts back to its original colours and is called a double-negative panda, or just a panda.

Noel:
That's true!

Dermot:
Check this out, Aston fans! When he came on X Factor last year with J-to-the-L-to-the-S...

Phill:
Was a panda!

Dermot:
Check this out, you've turned a little bling! Aston and Marvin, who's the tall good-looking one... (audience laughter)

Aston:
What, me?

Dermot:
No, you and Marv. (some audience members go "Awww...") Well, you're the short good-looking one and Marvin's the tall good-looking one! And there's, you know, the other two guys, you know that... (audience, Dermot and Aston laugh) I'm so in trouble for that one! Okay... in August, Aston and Marvin racked up a £6000 bar bill, this is true...

Aston:
Noo...

Dermot:
Yes it is, you must have been shit-faced!

Aston:
No, well here's the thing right, you gotta think there's me and Marvin, and...

Dermot:
And lots and lots of girls...

Noel:
And a panda. (audience laughter) I saw you getting driven home by a panda.

Dermot:
Russell once went for a jog with Dustin Hoffman around Central Park in New York.

Russell:
Yeah, when I lived up in Upper West Side, he lived in this building called the San Reno, which is kinda rock-and-roll. I came out, and he was coming out of the San Reno building, and I kinda went over and I just said "Hey I saw the show last night". He said "What show's that?" I said "The History Boys", he said "Oh yeah, you had a funny line in it, you were the funniest guy in it", I said "Thank you very much!" And then we kind of went, like, running for a bit...

Dermot:
Hang on a minute, how did that happen?

Russell:
He was in jogging attire, heading to Central Park...

Dermot:
Did you run after him? You were stalking him, and he went "oh, erm, look..."

Russell:
Yeah, just hung outside!

Phill:
Did you dress up as a dentist and just follow him, going "is it safe? Is it safe?" (makes a noise like a dentists drill)

Dermot:
Michael Ball facts - check this out! You played Edna in Hairspray, you won the 2008 Laurence Olivier Award for Best Actor in a Musical...

Michael:
Phill is doing it!

Phill:
Yep, yep... (at the time, Phill alternated with Brian Conley in the role of Edna Turnblad in the West End production of Hairspray)

Noel:
I went to see Phill in Hairspray on Saturday, and he makes a pretty good woman, I have to say!

Phill:
I make such a good woman I actually work the streets of Soho for two hours after the show!

Dermot:
Phill and Michael, here are your tunes for Russell... (gives the envelope to Michael) now before we go any further, if you two could just stand up... (Dermot walks towards Phill and Michael as they stand up) Okay, and that's Camera 1 over there, so I want you to turn to each other... (they do) And on my count of three, if you could look at Camera 1 in your best smouldering way, alright?

Michael:
Smoulder?

Dermot:
Yep. In three, two, one...

Peter:
PHILL JUPITUS AND MICHAEL BALL!

(Phill and Michael stare at the camera while standing toe to toe while the audience applauds and cheers)

Dermot:
Now you can begin.

Noel:
You two are what I imagine John and Edward to be like in thirty years!

(Phill and Michael start acting like an older version of Jedward and start singing Ghostbusters in the style of Jedward. Audience laughter and applause)

Phill:
(bad Irish accent) Which one am I?

Michael:
(bad Irish accent) The other one!

David:
(to camera) For viewers watching in Ireland, I was nothing to do with that Irish impersonation!

David:
Knock Knock

Bernard:
Who's there?

David:
Doctor

Bernard:
Doctor Who?

David:
Correct!

David:
Noel, is there anything you banned from the Boosh tour? Jokes?

Noel:
Catchphrases.