Night Court, Season 6

Dr. Gordon Mooney:
Now, start by making a small incision across her abdomen.

Dan:
All right... there! That wasn't so bad.

Dr. Gordon Mooney:
Nice, very nice. Now, this time, let's try to actually break the skin.

Dan:
Okay... yeah, you know, this isn't so hard, it's really... [gasp] Ugh! Blood!

Dr. Gordon Mooney:
[annoyed] Inside a human, well, don't that beat all?

Roz:
[at Dan's funeral] The Dan Fielding I knew was a self-centered, egotistical, boot-licking, no-good sack of slime in a $500 suit. His every action had an ulterior motive: if Dan gave you the shirt off his back you could bet that his pants and underwear would soon follow.

Harry:
Miss Sullivan, in this case I happen to think Dan is more qualified.

Christine:
Why, because he has a pair of... [notices Roz staring at her] ...pants?

Roz:
[disappointed] Chicken!

[after the State Assembly race is announced to be a tie by a single, last-minute vote, the voter's body is brought into the morgue]

Harry:
What was it, a heart attack?

Attendant Cal:
[hands Harry a note] Suicide.

Harry:
[reading] "I can't stand living in this crummy city another day. So as a final gesture of my contempt for New York, I'm voting to put that scummy worm Dan Fielding into office. Fielding and New York deserve each other. Goodbye, and good riddance."

Phil:
[sniffles] What a tribute!

Christine:
Bull, I'm sure if you just tell Roz what happened, she'll understand.

Roz:
[storms in] When I find the butthead who stole my coffee mug, I'm gonna yank his shorts out through his nose!

Bull:
[whispers to Mac] Would that hurt?

Mac:
Oh, yeah.

[Diane doesn't believe that Harry's really a judge]

Harry:
Hey, Bull! [stands up straight with his fists on his hips] Who am I?

Bull:
...You're Superman.

Harry:
No, no, I mean in real life.

Bull:
Oh, Clark Kent.

Dr. DeLeon:
My God, don't you realize that woman is dangerous? She over-identifies with characters in movies, and acts them out. Sometimes with horrifying results!

Rhoda:
Boy, and she seemed so sweet when we were watching TV in the lounge.

Dr. DeLeon:
Quickly, miss! Exactly what were you watching?

Rhoda:
Uh, it was an old black-and-white movie about a guy in a dress.

Harry:
Oh, uh... "Some Like It Hot"?

Rhoda:
No... "Psycho"!

[Looks of horror all around]

Harry [over the phone] You gotta listen to me! That woman you're with is psychotic!

Dan:
[chuckles] Well, maybe a little enthusiastic...

[as he turns away, Valerie takes a butcher knife out of her purse...]

Dan:
Yeah? Uh, listen, how exactly are we defining "homicidal"?

[And throws it, embedding it into the wall a few inches in front of Dan's nose]

Dan:
[into phone] Uh, Harry? [screaming] HELLLLLP!

Valerie:
[yanks the phone cord out of the wall] Sorry... wrong number.

Christine (over the phone):
Hi, is this the St. Ain Motel?...Beg your pardon? (looks at the phone book again; in disgust): The Stain Motel. Uh, yes, I'm looking for a man. He's tall, he's got dark hair, he's wearing a gray suit, and a red and black tie...What's that? (looks down): Oh, I'm wearing a black skirt and a pink swe...What difference does that make?...You want to do what with my shoes? (offended): How did you even think of that?! (hangs up)

Mac:
[ducking balls of wadded-up paper] Look, Quon Le, if you really want to hurt me, you've gotta throw something heavier!

Quon Le Robinson:
Oh, I will! I'm just perfecting my aim!

Harry:
[after hearing of Irwin's rescue from a Macy's Thanksgiving balloon] You must be the luckiest man who ever lived.

Irwin:
No... Dan Quayle is.

Dan:
Tell you what. If you feel up to it, I know a place around the corner that serves a great cappuccino. And if we get there before eleven, you can watch me wrestle a live, large Swede woman.

Christine:
Maybe not all in one night.

Mr. Carney:
Come on, give me a break, I've been in a coma for twenty years.

Roz:
In that case, you want to bet on the Packers this Sunday?

Dan:
Uh, Your Honor, the defendant, Mr. Carney, had no apparent hope of recovery. The doctors asked Mr. Higgins, his nephew and only living relative, if they could pull the plug. Choking back the tears, Mr. Higgins told the staff, "tag him and bag him, Doc."

Harry:
I hate to get too technical here, but when did the illegal stuff happen?

Mr. Higgins:
When I came by the hospital to take him home. Can you believe it? He hit me right in the vestibule!

Harry:
Gee, that must have hurt.

[Roz is wearing an elf suit.]

Roz:
Are you laughing at me, Dan?

Dan:
[laughing] Yes, I am laughing at you. Men have died laughing at less.

[Roz pulls out a large plastic candy cane and presses the tip against Dan's chest.]

Roz:
Pick a body cavity, Dan.

Harry:
[not wanting to send Roz back to holding] Mr. McCracken, is there any chance you might change your mind?

McCracken:
I'll change my mind when Hell has frozen over, and the sun has turned to dust!

Bull:
All right!

Dr. Malloy:
Okay, I'm ready. You can send in the next couple.

Dan:
So tell me, Doc. What are you trying to do with these gauges and meters and stuff?

Dr. Malloy:
We are trying to isolate the trigger mechanisms that stimulate human sexual arousal.

Dan:
Couple of pina coladas and my hormones will be wearing party hats, babe.

Dr. Malloy:
Mr. Fielding, these experiments are of a serious and professional nature.

Dan:
Well, Dr. Malloy, I'll have you know that I have logged thousands of hours of field experience covering the entire range of tacto-physiokinetic responses in relation to... Whoa! Here are the naked people.

Dr. Malloy:
We call them subjects.

Dan:
[grabs microphone] Let the games begin!

Mac:
So, you think your old alma mater's got a real chance this year, huh?

Harry:
I'm telling you, Mac, this is the best team that East Chesapeake has seen since a scrappy midfielder name of Harry T. Stone s...

Dan/Mac/Bull/Roz:
[in unison] Scored the winning goal to bring mighty Florida Tech to its knees.

Harry:
Ah, the legend lives.

Clark Edwards:
You know, with everything that goes on around here, I'm surprised someone hasn't been killed!

Bull:
[stands, brightly] I was!

Clark Edwards:
...I know I'll probably regret asking this, but could you please elaborate on that?

Bull:
Well, you see... it was a dark and stormy night...

[Clip from Episode 5.03, "Death of a Baliff"]

Clark Edwards:
So the reasons I have for the destruction of the three uniforms are "sat on a bomb," "hit by lightning," and "ripped to shreds by a small Asian woman."

Harry:
Sounds right to me.

[After viewing clips from "Dan, the Walking Time Bomb" [5.12], "Death of a Baliff" [5.03], and "Here's to You, Mrs. Robinson" [4.20].]

Clark Edwards:
My God, he's gonna kill us!

Harry:
Oh relax, Mr. Edwards.

Clark Edwards:
He's got a gun! How can you be so calm?

Harry:
Because thanks to the crack security you've given us around here, we've kind of gotten used to this sort of thing.

Clark Edwards:
Don't cry on my shoulder, Judge Stone. We provide you with the best security money can buy.

Harry:
Yeah? Well, have you thought about maybe taking a couple of days to train 'em first?!

Clark Edwards:
What I am saying is that I remain unconvinced that for some reason, bizarre incidents keep happening in your courtroom.

[Distant crash, rumble.]

Harry:
What the hell...?

[Everyone ruses to the courtroom.]

Mac:
Oh, my dear Lord!

[Bull is standing there, eating popcorn and apparently oblivious to the fact that a full-grown elephant is standing behind him, and in front of a very large hole in the wall.]

Bull:
Hi, guys!

[Harry, speechless, turns to Mr. Edwards.]

Clark Edwards:
Don't say a word. I believe everything you said. Just send me the bill and let's both forget we ever met each other. [flees]

Roz:
[holding a sheaf of mail] Fan mail's here.

Dan:
Ah yes, the Fielding juggernaut gathers steam!

Roz:
These are Christine's. [extracts a small postcard] This one's for you.

Dan:
[takes it] Well, every vote counts.

[While he checks the address, Roz reads the message on the other side.]

Roz:
"Get your mud-sucking pig face off my TV."

Dan:
Ah-ha. An undecided.

Mac:
[re: his yellow sweater] Think it's a little bright?

Harry:
No, Venus is a little bright. [into microphone] Warning, home viewers: do not stare directly into the sweater!

Judge Wilbur:
Let's get the ground rules straight. I run my court differently than that yo-yo Stone. I don't do card tricks, I don't have dribble glasses, and I hate fun. Now let's go hang someone.

[in a holding cell]

Chip:
What're you in for?

Dan:
Uh, contempt of court. You?

Chip:
Oh, we're just in for a little terror-and-mayhem spree 'tween here and South Carolina.

Dale:
[jauntily] Eight robberies, six stolen cars, four kidnappings, and three mini marts... [noogies Dan in the stomach] burned to the ground!

Dan:
Ted, did Christine happen to tell you I'm running for state assembly?

Ted:
Yes, and I plan on giving you every consideration.

Dan:
Damn it, man, I need money!

Ted:
I'm sorry, I make it a policy never to involve myself in political campaigns. When you're in land development, it looks like you're currying favor.

Dan:
Hey, if I'm elected, I promise I won't do anything for you.

Ted:
I'm sure you'll find support somewhere.

Dan:
You bet I will! Let me tell you something, I wouldn't be running for public office if I didn't think there was somebody out there who would want to buy me!

Dan:
[sees an envelope] All right, hallelujah! Cynthia Dalbey! The fruits of compromise. This is just the grease we need to get the Fielding campaign machine roaring again!

Christine:
I can't believe you spent the night with that woman just for a campaign contribution.

Dan:
I did it for the people. [opens the envelope and looks at the check] Twenty bucks?! Who does that overstuffed potato think I am?!

Roz:
[reading a note that came with the check] This might explain it. "Dear Dan, you're no Jack Kennedy."

[on election night, Dan is lying in bed with his opponent, Joan Hobson]

Dan:
Oh, baby... call me a "tool of the special interests" again.

Dan:
I just came by to tell everybody that the victory party is off.

Christine:
Oh Dan, I'm sorry. I know how much the election meant to you.

Dan:
There'll be other elections. Maybe next time I'll even get you to vote for me.

[He touches her elbow playfully, and she laughs despite herself.]

Christine:
Well, that depends. Do you think you'll be facing Joan Hobson again?

Dan:
[smiles] I certainly hope so. [kisses her cheek] Goodnight, Christine.

Christine:
[surprised] Good night, Dan.

[Roz places a large box on Mac's desk.]

Mac:
What's that?

Roz:
Evidence from the Darcy case. They need IDs.

Mac:
[looks inside] Aw, man! These are those damn sex toys! How am I supposed to identify these?

[They both look across the room at Dan. Mac carries the box over.]

Mac:
Hey, Dan! You know this stuff?

Dan:
[looks inside, big smile] Like the palm of my hand.

Christine:
[drunk] Buddy! Harry! I've gotta go! I've gotta stop him!

[She rushes to the door, and crashes into it]

Buddy:
I used to do that a lot. But I'm feeling much better now!

Harry:
All right, Buddy, whatever you have to say, go ahead and lay it out. Nothing that you can say could possibly faze me now!

Buddy:
You were born in a mental institution!

Harry:
...I stand corrected.

Buddy:
Your mom was really pretty messed up when she first moved into the hospital. To give you an idea, I actually helped her. It was just the two of us. We clung to each other for support. And that support grew into friendship. And that friendship grew into love.

Harry:
And that's... where I came into the picture.

Buddy:
Yeah.

Buddy:
Well, it's been quite an eventful day, Harry. Even by my standards. You sure you're all right?

Harry:
Well, let's see. I got knocked around by an inept government agent, went through a severe identity crisis, and nearly got myself killed... [grins] But I'm feeling much better now!

James:
I need to talk to you, Roz. Is there someplace quiet?

Bull:
Doesn't get quieter than up here!

[They both look at him.]

Bull:
...Ah. Well, I could leave you in the custody of a fellow bailiff...

[He gives Roz an obvious wink, then goes downstairs.]

Roz:
That was stupid. He knows he's not supposed to leave you alone with me.

James:
Because you might let me go?

Roz:
Because I might throw you off the roof!

Roz:
I'd like to talk about what you did up on the roof.

Bull:
[modestly] Oh, that's okay, Roz, you don't have to thank...

Roz:
What the hell is the matter with you?! You knew how I felt about James! You never leave a prisoner with someone who might let him go! Now you could have lost your job. And don't you ever do anything like that again, do you hear me?

Bull:
[looks down, tiny voice] Yes, ma'am.

Roz:
Good. Now bend over.

[Bull looks up in alarm. Wincing, he leans down... and Roz kisses him tenderly on the crown of his head.]

Roz:
[softly] Thank you.

New Trekker:
[dressed as Geordi La Forge] Admit it, the old Enterprise was a piece of junk!

Old Trekker:
[dressed as Mr. Spock] Oh, yeah? How would you like a Vulcan death grip?

[They start to fight, Bull grabs them both by the collarbone]

New Trekker/Old Trekker:
Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!

Bull:
How do you like the Bailiff Bull grip?

Dan:
Your Honor, the defendants were arrested after a disturbance that erupted during a seminar on "Androids on Starfleet Command Vehicles"... Don't you guys ever just get loaded and hire a stripper?

Old Trekker:
Captain Kirk would never have allowed androids on the bridge! Rules are rules.

New Trekker:
Oh, yeah? He didn't seem to have any trouble breaking the Prime Directive anytime he felt like it!

Old Trekker:
Go suck on a Tribble!

New Trekker:
Go sit on a phaser!

Judge Stone:
OOOOHHH! [slams gavel] None of that language in my courtroom. Defense.

Christine Sullivan:
My clients plead innocence.

Judge Stone:
On What Grounds?!

Christine Sullivan:
They claim to be victims of a mind meld.

Judge Stone:
A mind meld?! Oh come on. Get real, guys. Star Trek is a TV show for crimity sakes. I'm gonna fine you each $30 and I suggest you stop living with your parents. [slams gavel]

New Trekker:
You have no authority over us!

Judge Stone:
I beg your pardon?

New Trekker:
We are governed by the laws of the Federation.

Judge Stone:
Is that so?! Ok, that's contempt, Chuckle! One day in the county jail! [slams gavel again]