Nip/Tuck, Season 1

Sean/Christian:
Tell me what you don't like about yourself.

Sean:
Check out this bombshell. We’re getting ready this morning, and Julia tells me she wants her breasts done.

Christian:
If you’re thinking conflict of interest, I’d like to volunteer my services.

Sean:
Still have a crush on the missus, do we?

Christian:
Let the records show that I dated her first and passed off my sloppy seconds to you.

Sean:
My god, when was the last time we went to bed and you didn't hate me?

Christian:
You wanna talk about the real reason you breezed into town? And do me a favour, Mr. Perez, when you answer, drop the 'no hablo English' bullshit. It doesn’t add to my confusion about your predicament, it only highlights your own. I’m a doctor; what you tell me during consultation is confidential.

Silvio Perez:
I prefer to let my money talk. [puts a large briefcase on the table]

Christian Troy:
Nice alligator.

Silvio Perez:
Twenty thousand dollars, according to your website. That’s your fee.

Christian:
Funny, isn’t it? How certain things from Colombia have that pungent aroma that can stink up a room. Coffee, for instance, and of course there’s the cartel money.

Silvio Perez:
I’m not Colombian. My brother and I, we are Argentinean.

Christian:
Mr. Perez, if you were Argentinean, I wouldn’t have to recommend porcelain veneers. It’s the only South American country with fluoride in the water. One last time, why are you running?

Silvio Perez:
I was with the boss’ girl.

Christian:
Mr. Perez, you cad.

Christian:
Can I buy you a drink?

Kimber:
I don't drink.

Christian:
Can I buy you an appetizer?

Kimber:
I don't eat. I'm a model.

[Christian gives up and is ready to leave]

Bartender:
Another one before you hit the road?

Christian:
No, I have to operate tomorrow.

Kimber:
Are you a doctor?

Christian:
[flashes smile] Plastic surgeon.

Kimber:
I don't wanna be pretty. I wanna be better. I want to be perfect.

Kimber:
Am I really this ugly? I was homecoming queen.

Christian:
Let your shortcomings and imperfections fuel you. When you stop striving for perfection you might as well be dead.

Sean:
[to Kimber, about Christian] Ms. Henry, I think you're confusing Dr. Troy's pleasant and very thorough bedside manner with real emotions.

Christian:
We're in the vanity business, Sean. It's what we do. Appearance is everything to a kid. It's how you fit in. Snip, snip, he feels better about himself, and you, sir, can make that happen. How cool is fatherhood?

Sean:
I'm not doing anything to my son's penis or my wife's breasts. I don't want my family infected by what we do here.

Christian:
What is it that we’re doing, Sean, other than make people feel good about themselves?

Sean:
What we do is let people externalize the hatred they feel about themselves.

Christian:
Sean, do you know why we just bought twelves packs of ham?

Sean:
Because alligators are finicky eaters.

Sean:
Have you ever done twins?

Christian:
[In a Sean Connery impression] Mother and daughter once but never twins.

Julia:
I should be back by 10. Dinner is in the fridge. Heat it up for five minutes at 350º. And, Matt, don't show Annie The Exorcist again.

Matt:
She needs to know that evil exists.

Christian:
[after Julia had walked in on him in bed with the twins] I'm sorry. I didn't mean for you to catch me in the middle of a DoubleMint moment right there.

Julia:
Why haven’t I had an orgasm in two years?!?

Sean:
Because I didn’t want to work that hard.

Sean:
Did she indicate that if you slept with her she’d drop the lawsuit?

Christian:
Are you actually telling me to stick my dick in the crypt keeper to make your mistake go away?

Christian:
[referring to the threat of a malpractice lawsuit] I don't know what our options are, Sean. I've worked too hard to end up at 40 saying, "Hi, welcome to Cinnabon. How may I help you?"

Christian:
[to Sean, referring to Dr. Grace Santiago] You're listening to the concern of Salsa Spice over the judgment of your partner?

Christian:
Are you saying I have no ethics?

Sean:
I'm saying you have a history of liking your money.

Christian:
I have a discriminating eye, Sean. I turned down Michael Jackson today.

Liz:
[to Christian] You really want to get inside a woman? Stop thinking like a dick.

Mrs. Grubman:
Do you want the lights on or--

Christian:
Off.

Christian:
You´re beautiful, Mrs. Grubman. Unfortunately, we live in a world where only one kind of beauty is recognized. But I´m telling you, tonight, the way you worked that room, the way you flirted with those rich guys, batted your eyes and walked away with a $100,000 check for a cause that needs you that was beautiful to me.

Christian:
The line that divides the porn industry and the plastic surgery is a thin one. We're both selling fantasy, aren't we?

Christian:
[referring to Merrill, who is dressed in a white suit] You look like a Q-Tip.

Sean:
You´re the one who inspired me to be a surgeon. I wanted to be you.

Dr. Grayson:
You´re gonna be me, Sean. You´re in my path. You´re a success now. Forty is when it starts. The dutiful wife gets tired of your hours and your lack of emotional intelligence. She´ll stay around for another five years if you´re lucky. Mine left when I was 50, but she´ll leave. When Father´s Day comes around, and Christmas, and Thanksgiving, and you sit alone with your diplomas, and the thoughts of all these people whose lives you´ve saved except your own.

Sean:
I’m afraid ‘pro-bono’ is out of the question for this type of operation. That’s usually reserved for people who have suffered accidents or birth defects.

Sophia:
Being one gender on the inside and another on the outside is a birth defect.

Man at bar:
After you commit, it doesn't matter what you wash with. Women smell infidelity like cat piss.

Christian:
Ever notice how "monogamy" rhymes with "monotony"?

Christian:
Dr. Santiago, have you ever been sued for malpractice?

Grace:
As a matter of fact, I haven't.

Christian:
Of course not. That would be silly. That’s like suing a witch doctor for a spell that didn’t work.

Liz:
Does any one here besides me think there's anything morally reprehensible about a white man trying to pass himself off as a victim of the American racial hierarchy?

Christian:
Sean, tell her to stop using all those big words around me.

Christian:
Dr. Santiago, maybe you should consider having your own orgasm every now and then so you don't have to live through mine.

Christian:
Can I buy you another drink?

Grace:
Now that, Dr. Troy, would be pointless, seeing as you're the reason I'm drinking.

Gina:
Since I started in the program, things have changed. I don't go home with anyone who reinforces my low self-image. I don't blow anyone off because he has the taste to actually like me.

Gina:
Girl meets surgeon. Girl goes home with surgeon. Surgeon has a great excuse to leave before dawn. Am I close?

Christian:
We go to my place and I give her cab fare.

Christian:
[to Gina] Come on, time to twelve-step your way out of here.

Gina:
Well, doctor, I wouldn't expect you to believe in a higher power. You already think you are God.

Christian:
None of us get out alive. Now you can huddle in a group and face it one day at a time, or you could be grateful that when your body rubs against someone else's, it explodes with enough pleasure that you can forget, even for a minute, that you're only a walking pile of ashes. Now that is the truth. If you're strong, it'll make you free. If you're weak, it'll make you, you.

Sean:
I’m gonna get a vasectomy. Julia doesn’t want to have any more kids and I can’t handle another mistake.

Christian:
That’s the most bullshit cure for depression I ever heard. If you want to shoot blanks, Sean, don’t get snipped. Do what I do. Take a bath.

Sean:
What?

Christian:
For every date, I sit in a 116 degree bath. Excessive testicular heat shuts down spermatogenosis. Teabag your testicles in a hot tub and I swear you’ll be sterile and squeaky clean.

Matt:
Vanessa, this isn’t all about Ridley. What do you want?

Vanessa:
I just want her to love me, that’s all.

Matt:
Is all this effort worth it?

Vanessa:
You tell me, Matt? Is all this pain worth it to you?

Matt:
Pain? I’m a guy who’s about to have a three-way!

Christian Troy:
I counted each contraction. Three times. Or were you doing your Kegel exercises?

Grace Santiago:
[whispers] Lock the door.

Christian:
You know what they say. For every beautiful girl there is a guy tired of screwing her.

Sean:
How do you feel about taking on an intern?

Christian:
What does she look like?

Sean:
He is a friend of Julia’s from school. Jude, something. I could use the points. She’s pissed that I’m not outraged enough about Matt’s three-way.

Christian:
Alright with me, partner. I’d much rather have him hanging around here all day than hanging shirtless by your pool feeding your wife margaritas.

Kimber:
[referring to her nurse's outfit] I spent $400 on this outfit. I’m just trying to do what you wanted and spice things up.

Christian:
Here’s the dilemma. You think a jockey wants to come home to see his girlfriend dressed like a horse? I’m around nurses all day, sweetheart. If I wanted to screw one of them, I would’ve by now.

Christian:
Are you doing this because you were rejected by a woman?

Mr. Mantegna:
One woman? Try thirty. In one night.

Christian:
[Edit] Don't worry, Mr. Mantegna. When we're done with you, the only tits you'll be feeling up are gonna belong to Hooters girls.

Julia:
Can't a woman just do something nice for her husband?

Sean:
A woman can definitely do something nice for her husband. You driving 20 minutes to bring me lunch sounds like a woman who wants her husband to do something nice for her.

Julia:
Having three-way sex in my house is a very big deal, Matt.

Matt:
You guys are lucky that that was all I was doing. I know kids hooked on crank, kids who are plotting to blow up the school.

Julia:
Congratulations. You win the award for least screwed up teenager.

Christian:
If I'm going to do this one woman thing, it can't be with just one woman.

Patient:
[in examination] Dr. Troy, you are the only man I want handling my penis.

Christian:
You are the only man who's ever said that to me.

Patient:
Is the scar really gone? My fiance doesn't like going down.

Christian:
And you're gonna marry that bitch?

Patient:
Just don't tell my girlfriend.

[Both men laugh]

Patient:
So the cream will help it all go away in two weeks?

Christian:
Or your money back.

Christian:
[upon learning that Sean made a pass at Dr. Grace Santiago] Did you hire her because you're afraid that she might sue?

Dr. Grace Santiago:
Lawsuits typically happen when you lose your job after you have slept with the boss.

Christian:
Is that a threat?

Sean:
[to Christian] Wait... you slept with Grace?

Christian:
[rolls his eyes]

Sean:
Goddamn it! Are you out of your mind? How could you do this!

Christian:
Sleep with someone who rejected you?

Christian:
I don't like her, Sean. She is a troublemaker and her shoes are cheap.

Sean:
Shut up, Christian, just shut up. I need to think.

Christian:
This is about you playing Demi Moore with some 25-year-old punk kid with an overactive libido.

Julia:
The one with an overactive libido is a middle-aged surgeon. You fired him for revenge. [Edit] Someone else wants me and you can't stand it.

Christian:
Please, I can have anyone anytime I want it.

Julia:
You can't have me.

Christian:
Julia, your boy toy is me.

Julia:
15 years younger.

Christian:
I've lost my faith, Father. I've drank, I've done drugs, I've fornicated with women and discarded them like trash. I've lost my soul. The boys you raped will be saying the same thing in 20 years.

Merrill Bobolit :
[referring to Kimber Henry as his ideal wife] My DNA mixed with hers all but assures a blond Jew.

Christian:
What do you think that would be like? To want to get rid of your penis? The hub of all power?

Sean:
Actually, I admire her conviction. It takes...

Christian:
Balls?

Liz:
I have a tattoo on my right breast. Two female symbols intertwined.

Christian:
Double dykes?

Liz:
I’m expressing my lesbian identity.

Liz:
What about you? Are you gay?

Sophia:
Today.

Liz:
And tomorrow?

Sophia:
Straight……after the surgery.

Liz:
You’re a conundrum wrapped up in a riddle, babe. (Edit)

Sophia:
Have you always been a lesbian, Liz?

Liz:
I slept with a man once in college. He had long hair and when I closed my eyes, and felt it sweeping across my face, I pretended it was Joni Mitchell.

Christian:
I don't excel at anything. My relationships, my profession... All I have to offer is a great smile and a convincing line of bullshit.

Christian:
[referring to the cadaver] Sean, we've got to switch heads.

Sean:
No, we're not. [Edit] Practice makes perfect.

Christian:
Practice on what? Mr. Potato Head? There is only one way. Kill Ms. Grubman and practice on her.

Julia:
What did she give you that I couldn't?

Sean:
She saw the good in me, Julia. She saw the potential, the hope. Every time you look at me I see it in your eyes. All I see staring back at me is regret.

Liz:
Excuse me, someone in the lobby requests to see an arrogant, oversexed, antichrist.

Gina:
Yeah, that’s right, asshole. I’m pregnant.

Christian:
First time at the plate and I get credited with the RBI.

Gina:
You were the only batter.

Christian:
I was wearing a rubber.

Gina:
Well, slugger, either it broke or I’m carrying the next savior.

Gina:
Just because I'm carrying Satan's baby doesn't mean I need to marry the father.

Liz:
Alright sailors, tankle away.

Sean:
But she’s a multiple personality.

Liz:
Oh please! Who isn’t? To my mother, I’m a child. To Jan, I’m a heartless, rejecting bitch. And to my dog, I’m God.

Sean:
Maybe I should get a dog.

Grace:
I keep forgetting about the hierarchy of McNamara/Troy; I keep imagining I'm apart of it.

Christian:
I laughed, I cried, I came.

Gina:
[surprise to see Christian show up in person] Phone out of order?

Christian:
I just thought I should be here to catch you when you fainted from shock. I think we should have this baby. I mean, you should have it, and I´ll pay for it.

Gina:
Cue the violins. Why the change of heart?

Christian:
I´ve realized I want more. I wanna give more.

Gina:
What's the matter Christian, not turned on by pregnant women?

Christian:
No, just not by you.

Christian:
What’s this? You’re still smoking?

Gina:
I have cravings! Withdrawal is very hard on the baby. I can only eat so much. Would you rather I suck on these or some random guy?

Christian:
Do you have any idea what smoking does to a growing fetus? Try acupuncture.

Gina:
That’ll take care of my addiction but what about my oral fixation?

Christian:
Then I'll buy you a bag of goddamn lollipops!

Escobar:
You’re a desperate man, Sean. Desperate men don’t come to talk. They come to kill.

Escobar:
Is that the last implant?

Liz:
Unless you made the poor girl eat one for shits and giggles, yes.

Christian:
This is good.

Gina:
Its Mahi-Mahi with an Asian slaw. I found the recipe online.

Christian:
So what do you want? You need something.

Gina:
I need you to make love to me.

Christian:
You better have made a kick-ass dessert too, sweetheart.

Gina:
I’m serious, Christian. I’ve got to get this baby out of me. My back aches. My bowels are backed up like a stadium toilet.

Christian:
Your seduction skills need a little work.

Julia:
We´re not fine, Sean. And we never will be. You know it. We both know it.

Sean:
Don´t you give up on me.

Julia:
There´s nothing wrong in knowing when to surrender. We tried our best. No one can fault us for finally admitting that we just can´t do it anymore.

Sean:
You've seen how he treats women: like they're sub-human.

Liz:
Hasn't stopped me from working with Christian.

[Edit]

Christian:
Don’t take this the wrong way. But you’re a better man than I am.

Liz:
Damn straight.

Kimber:
I don't believe in love anymore.