Northern Exposure, Season 1

Joel:
I don't don't like it - I hate it! And I demand to leave! … Well that is because you are not the one who is supposed to spend the next 4 years of his life in this Godforsaken hole in the wall, pigsty with a bunch of dirty, psychotic rednecks!

Maurice:
When I heard we had a crack at a Jew doctor from New York City.. well, I don't have to tell you I jumped. You boys do outstanding work.

Joel:
[to Maggie after a few beers] You're kinda pretty in a like, clean sort of way.

Chris:
Months later, as I sat in a juvenile detention home rereading those poems that had opened up the artist in me, I was blindsided by the raging fist of my incarcerator, who informed me that Walt Whitman's homoerotic unnatural pornographic sentiments were unacceptable and would not be allowed in an institution dedicated to reforming the ill formed.

Ed:
He is a doctor.

Joel:
Oh really? Which kind?

Ed:
Witch.

Joel:
Which which?

Ed:
Which what?

Joel:
Which doctor?

Ed:
Right.

Ed:
[to Joel] Indians don't knock. It's rude.

Maggie:
All you care about is you, and New York, and your precious career!

Joel:
Look, Mother Theresa. I did not get off the plane and say that I am Marcus Welby, kindly physician, and all around swell guy! Okay!?! I was fully prepared to do my time in Anchorage, but I am contractually bound to this tundra under false pretenses and against my will. So if I resort to some unscrupulous practices to right a greater wrong, look, where's Amnesty International when it comes to Joel Fleischman?!?

Maurice:
Chris, you play this crap at 6 in the morning and you'll be looking down so many barrels, you'll think you landed in an NRA convention.

Chris:
Soapy once told me that the thing he loved most about country music was its sense of myth. There's heroes and villains, good and bad, right and wrong. The protagonist strolls into bar, which he sees as a microcosm of the big picture. He contemplates his existence and he asks himself, 'Who's that babe in the red dress?'

Ed:
I don't think you should bug Dr. Fleischman because he's from New York, and they have a thing about paparazzi.

Chris:
[to Joel] Well, you know the way I see it, if you're here for four more years or four more weeks, you're here right now. You know? And I think when you're somewhere you ought to be there, and because it's not about how long you stay in a place. It's about what you do while you're there, and when you go is that place any better for you having been there?

Shelly:
[to Holling] You may think that because you're so much older than me you know more about the world. Well in some cases that may be. But I read magazines! I watch TV! I know how people are supposed to treat each other.

Ruth-Anne:
That's the most beautiful non-ceremony I ever saw.

Shelly:
Cuz, if I can't count on you when something as piddly as a husband pops up, what happens when the really big stuff hits?

Maggie:
Let me tell you something, buster, you might not be dying, but you're gone.

Joel:
Listen folks, I hate to cut this short, but we have to fly. So before we go, are there any questions, something you'd like to ask a doctor?

Woman:
How will I know when it's time [to give birth]?

Joel:
Trust me, all mothers show up.

Shelly:
[to Holling] Whether you shoot Jessie or he mauls you, I want to be there by your side.

Bernard:
Those Northern Lights are some kind of weird psychic, something?

Chris:
Yeah.

Bernard:
What causes them to do that?

Chris:
Well, this is just my guess, but I think that high speed electrons and protons from the sun are trapped in the van Allen radiation belt. Then they're channeled through the Polar Regions by the earth's magnetic field where they collide with other particles and create a brilliant luminosity.

Bernard:
What does that have to do with us?

Chris:
I swear man, I don't know.

Bernard:
Excuse me.

Joel:
Yeah?

Bernard:
Where am I?

Joel:
You know, I've been asking myself that same question since I got here. I finally figured out we're somewhere between the end of the line and the middle of nowhere.

Bernard:
Where is that on the map?

Chris:
Whenever there's a new moon looming on the horizon, I'll inevitably get a call from someone saying, 'Hey Chris, how bout that sucker.' And, I'll usually say something cordial like, 'Oh yeah, it's a marvelous night for a moon dance,' or 'I wonder what old Sun Young Moon is up to tonight.' But, knowing how we've been tossing and turning these past few nights for fear of where our dreams may be taking us, I'm not about to pretend that that man, in that moon, has our best interests at heart. No way, he's too much of a kidder. So until the big fellow packs his bag and hits the road put away those sharp utensils and stay close to your love ones, if you're lucky enough to have any. I'll see you in the morning, folks, or the moonlight, whichever one comes first.

Chris:
This is Chris In The Morning with a special K-Bear, Arrowhead County welcome to Mr. Okie Masuto and Mr. Vincent Chiba. Ohaiyo gozaimasu (Good morning). O-genki desu ka (How are you)? Howdy, boys!

Chris:
Hey, there! This is Chris In The Morning and we're on the phonelines. Who am I talking too?

Jules:
Jules, up on the Koyuk River.

Chris:
Hey, Jules, what's on your mind today?

Jules:
I went up to Baker's Point this morning to find Holling. He used to make camp the with the Littlejohn boys...

Chris:
Cut to the chase, Jules.

Jules:
All I saw was a couple of empty beer can and used condoms.

Chris:
It's occasions like these that... my thoughts turn to marriage. I think of the Dalai Lama, The Pope, Mother Teresa; very spiritual people who never took the plunge. Then on the other hand, we have Elizabeth Taylor and Mickey Rooney, who couldn't get enough of a good thing. What do we make of this dichotomy? Well, we're here to wish our friends a long life filled with happiness. Shelly Tambo, do you take this man to be you lawful, wedded husband till death do you part?

Shelly:
Uh-huh.

Chris:
Holling Vincour, do you take this lovely girl to be your lawful, wedded wife till death do you part? ... Holling? Holling?

Holling:
I wonder if I might speak with Shelly for a moment? In private.

Chris:
(to Bernard): Jung says that dreams are the woofer and tweeter of the total sound system.

Chris:
I can see how that can be a problem. You know, it's like Jung says, "The unconscious is revealed through the imagery of our dreams which express our innermost fears and our desires."

Bernard:
Jung said that?

Chris:
Yeah, I think it was Jung. Or maybe Vincent Price.