One Foot In The Grave, Series 3 (1992)

Victor:
Unbelievable! Absolu-...oh, good morning, ladies. (to Margaret) Can you believe that? They've lost the left shoe! Lost it! And do you know what he had the nerve to...? He said he'd only charge me half price!

Mrs Warboys:
Evening, Mr Meldrew. I can't stay long...

Victor:
Right you are. Bye! (slams the door)

Victor:
The first 50 miles on the go all the way - your sense of direction - bowling along. Get past 60 and everything slows down to a sudden crawl and you realise you're not going anywhere any more. All the things you thought you were going to do that never came to anything. You can't turn the clock back; it's one-way traffic just gradually grinding to a halt.

There's a bloke we can't stand any longer,

Always on the bleeding moan;

Every time we mend his bloody Honda,

He's back grousing on the phone.

First we fixed his car's ignition,

Checked his breaks and clutch, and then

Overhauled his whole transmission.

He just brought it back again.

Victor Meldrew

Victor Meldrew

He can stick up his bum (up his bum)

He can bugger off to kingdom come.

Victor:
[shouting from an open window, wielding a metal coat hanger] You callous cold-hearted thieving bastards! Help you with a couple of points?! I'll help you straight onto this point when I see you! I'll bloody well tear your liver out and feed it to the cat, you see if I don't!

Man:
Sloppiness and bad manners just won't do. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Victor:
[with poorly concealed menace] Yes. Right. I do understand what you're saying, and I'm very sorry.

Man:
[contemptuously] I should think so.

Victor:
[louder] Yes, I'm very sorry because I'm afraid I'm going to have to throw your toupee down the drain! (does so)

Victor:
I'm sorry neither of you have managed to master the mechanics of a door handle. That must be very complicated for you with your limited brain power. [to the woman] Oh, and do forgive me for not getting the fur coat out. Because if you hadn't chopped its legs off, it could have climbed out on its own. [to the man] You asked me if I wanted to go on working here. Well if it means sucking up to odious bastards like you two every day, then I think I'd rather remain unemployed, thank you very much!

[Discussing Victor and Patrick's feud]

Pippa:
I don't know what to do about him and Victor. I mean, it's one thing to call someone a "tosspot" to their face, but when you go to the lengths of having it iced on the front of a Thornton's Easter egg, I think it's got beyond a joke. I mean, he did put a card in the post as well. No name or address on the envelope, just the word's "To that cretin in the cap." I suppose it helped him let off steam at the time.

Margaret:
Yes. The irony is, we received it. About the quickest a letter's ever got to us, I think.

[Talking about Victor's diet]

Pippa:
What sort of things does he eat?

Margaret:
[disgustedly] Anything, of any sort or description. In the most hideous and disgusting of combinations. Food you wouldn't put in the same cupboard, he'd happily slice up together on his weetabix. It's like watching non-stop junk mail going through a letter box. I think he lost all sense of taste years ago.

Pippa:
Stomach like a bin liner? [Margaret murmurs in agreement]

[Talking about Pippa's pregnancy]

Margaret:
You must be thrilled, congratulations.

Pippa:
[Sombrely] Well, I'm not sure "thrilled" is the word. Wasn't exactly planned. I know I'm supposed to be all glowing and maternal, but when you look round at the state of things, I don't think life is something I'd wish on my worst enemy. And you never know what you're bringing into the world. I mean, look at the people who started out as babies... Hitler... Dr. Crippen...

Victor:
[to Margaret] Yes, I'm enjoying this glass of glue.

Margaret:
We can't leave it here (A cow with a back leg slightly damaged)

Victor:
No, I'll just slip in the freezer with the beef burgers.