One Foot In The Grave, Series 6 (2000)

Patrick:
Frankly Mr Skinthorpe, what side of bed I got out of this morning is not a matter I consider relevant. The fact is that the Open Sesame Garage door which you installed last week has just jammed for the third time, and as BMW rather short sightedly failed to include a limbo dancing option on the new 300 series, I am keen to learn how you expect me to get the car on the road.

Nigel:
Yes, I'll tell you precisely what's 'chafing my hide' this morning, Mr Gorrindge. It concerns a majestic 2000 millenium globe which I foolishly ordered from your company for my brother's birthday, which I can't help noticing has arrived with two Northen Hemispheres.

Patrick:
If by 'one of our top service engineers' you are referring to that child with the head-full of glue who spent three hours here yesterday wobbling around on a ladder, presumably in an attempt to get his tesicles to drop, I was not impressed Mr Skinthorpe.

Nigel:
Unfortunately not, Mr Gorrindge and whilst a world with two Europes and no Australia may have certain cultural advantages, I'm afraid it doesn't quite fall in with the theory of continental drift.

Patrick:
Well I can't say with any certainty, Mr Skinthorpe, whether it was Rick or Dave. Although he very sensibly had a ring fitted through his nose like a cow, I'm afraid the name tag seemed to have fallen off. Really? Well how fine and dandy for him.

Nigel:
Well it depends what you mean by "very noticeable" Mr Gorrindge. Had my brother been horribly blinded by some hideous accident then all our troubles would be over.

Patrick:
Well please offer him my profound congratulations, Mr Skinthorpe, and tell him to get his arse round here now and finish the job.

Nigel:
I shall expect a proper replacement in 24 hrs or heads and hemispheres will roll

Margaret:
[to Victor] If it's sunny in the morning, you don't want to know it's going to rain in the afternoon.

Victor:
[lying on floor, talking to Margaret] You know I never watch the weather forecasts. If it's a nice morning and they say it's going to be worse in the afternoon, how can you enjoy the morning? Best not to know about it. It's the same with life in general, there are certain things you don't ever want to think about.

Margaret Meldrew:
[talking to priest] We're all just characters really. Aren't we? In a giant soap opera. One by one, god gets bored with us and decides to kill us off. Victor Meldrew mown down by hit and run driver on his way home from a party - sounds depressingly plausible. A party his wife practically begged him to go to...The trouble with the world nowadays - nobody does anything about anything...It's all speed and greed.

Victor Meldrew:
[coming in with chocolate wrappers] Seven chocolate wrappers today. Makes you wander why the bother about funerals anymore. [Imitating punters] "Grandma's dead, should we bury her? No, I can't be bothered. Just sling her over that bloke's fence. He'll clean it up."

Victor Meldrew:
I don't believe it!/I do not Believe it!

Victor Meldrew:
[Talking about 1992 General Election result] I couldn't believe that last election result. It's like hiring a man-eating shark as your children's swimming instructor. [imitating parent] "Yes, I know it bit my baby's head off last time, but I still think it deserves another chance."

Victor Meldrew:
Huh just typical... have you read this? A man in South London was arrested the other day when a dead body was found in the boot of his car. Though interestingly this somehow was overlooked when the car went in for its MOT the day before!

Victor Meldrew:
I mean we were just asking for trouble weren't we? Leaving Mrs Warboys to hold the fort when this arrived (points at massive 50' telly) [imitating Mrs Warboys) It's a whopper isn't it Mr Meldrew.

Victor Meldrew:
Well that just about takes the bloody biscuit. You know that young bloke from down the road and his girlfriend? They were only having sex on the back seat of our car. I forgot to close the sunroof properly. Carrying on bold as you like. They didn't even stop when I opened the door, stark naked the pair of them and he had the cheek to tell ME to go and PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!!! Said I was letting the whole tone of the area down.

Victor Meldrew:
[In traffic jam. Mobile phone rings:] Hello? What? No we CAN'T bloody well move any further forward. I couldn't give a bugger if you are. 5 yards my foot it's 4 at the most and where's that going to get you anyway? Well you can bloody well LUMP IT THEN CAN'T YOU!?. (Horn honks) And you.

Victor Meldrew:
[In traffic jam.] Yes I've always said that for a really super Bank Holiday treat you've got to go a long way to beat four and a half hours staring up a horse's BOTTOM! [Camera reveals horsebox in front.]

Victor Meldrew:
You mean I was fart-arsing about in front of an armed psychopath doing ruddy tai chi exercises jamming my hands in the air like a simpleton I could've ended up with a bullet through my [realises his cap may have got the hole from a rifle]

Victor Meldrew:
[talking in his sleep] Watch out, he's got the pastry. He's got the pastry!

Victor Meldrew:
[talking in his sleep] Not with the pastry... Not with the pastry!

Victor Meldrew:
[talking in his sleep] It's all gone now. There's no more pastry.

Victor Meldrew:
[answering the telephone] 4291?

Victor Meldrew:
What in the name of sanity?