Only Fools and Horses

Grandad:
I don't know why they have these drug addiction centres. Aren't there enough drug addicts about as it is? Without them recruiting them.

Del:
(to Rodney, in the Monte Carlo Club) I've heard your line of patter my son. If they don't know Adam Ant's birthday or the Chelsea result it's goodnight Vienna, innit?

Del:
Now here's what we're gonna do. You're gonna leave the club.

Rodney:
Leave?

Del:
Yeah. And you wait a couple of minutes right? And then you'll come back saying that there's a brand new Rolls Royce Corniche obstructing your three wheeled van.

Vicar:
I have become dismayed, even shocked by the attitude of youth - but today you walked into this church and offered us this tree simply because you care. You have rekindled my faith in the human race. It's not nicked is it?

Del:
(commenting on the chicken he's been eating at the Nag's Head) Tough? Tough? It's the toughest chicken I've ever known. It's asked me for a fight in the car park twice!

Heather:
(after listening to Old Shep) Did you have an old dog?

Del:
I've had many old dogs in my time!

Reg:
I never raised a hand to your mother, Rodney, except in self-defence!

Grandad:
Hospital bed? What's wrong with you, Reggie?

Del:
Something serious, I hope!

Del:
(talking about his father) Don't be fooled by him, Rodney. He's had everything from Galloping Lurgy to Saturday Night Fever! I was doing some homework once and I asked him what a cubic foot was. He said he didn't know, but he tried to have a week off work with it!

Del:
It's a right blinding Christmas this has turned out to be, innit! I mean, some people get wise men bearing gifts; we get a wally with a disease!

Rodney:
Well I can't wait to fill out my next passport application form. Mother's name: Joan Mavis Trotter; father's name: Herb Albert and the Tiuwana Brass.

Reg:
If your mother was alive now, I'd kill her.

Rodney:
You're only one letter out! Look, the only difference between us is a B.

Del:
Yeah and we all know what the B stands for!

Del:
(after finding out that his father faked an illness) They ran his name through the computer but they didn't have a patient called Trotter. But they did have a porter called Trotter. He left two weeks ago with 57 blankets, 133 pair of rubber gloves and the chief gynaecologist's Lambretta!!

Del:
Don't you get septic with me Rodney!

Del:
(pointing to an assortment of household items made from crude oil) What have all these things got in common?

Rodney:
They're all nicked?

Rodney:
He's something else ain't he? And what about all the currents they got round here? We could have drifted anywhere by now.

Del:
Yes, he's right and all ain't he? We're in the middle of the North Sea ain't we? It's got more currents than a hot-cross bun.

Del:
Can't you just find The Bear?

Albert:
Well what does it look like?

Del:
Well it looks like a bloody rabbit don't it!!!

Del:
Well, come on then, look at the stars, and navigate a course, go on!

Albert:
Cor, ain't there a lot of them!

Del:
Holland?!

Gas Man:
What!

Del:
Which way to Holland?!

Gas Man:
It's over there!

Del:
Thank you John! (to Albert) Albert turn left, Holland is that way. (to Rodney) See Rodney, don't know where to go you just got to ask.

Del:
We got lost in the middle of the north sea. Luckily we spotted the Zeebrugge to Hull ferry and followed it.

Abdul:
And that's how you got to Hull?

Del:
No! That's how we got to Zeebrugge, it was going the wrong bloody way!

Man at the market:
...They can't be top quality, they're too cheap!

Del:
"Too cheap", how can they be "too cheap" you wally?

Man at the market:
Here, I'm not a wally!

Del:
No? What are you doing then, an impression?

Annoying man at the market:
...yeah but do you get a guarantee?

Del:
You do, yeah you do get a guarantee, I'll guarantee you get a smack in the mooey if you keep on pal, just go away and annoy someone else...

Lady Victoria:
(to Rodney) "So what's your name?

Rodney:
It's Rodney.

Trigger:
(shouts from a distance) Alright Dave?

Rodney:
No, it's Rodney. He's just a bit thick.

Rodney:
People round here don't pay £85 for a painting... People round here don't pay £85 for a car.

Rodney:
Oi! Where'd you get that gun?

Del:
Iggy Higgins.

Rodney:
Iggy Higgins robs banks.

Del:
Yeah I know but it's Saturday, innit.

Lord Henry:
(after Del tells him that he is related to the Surrey Trotters) I don't care if you are related to the Surrey Trotters, the Berkshire Trotters, or the Harlem bloody Globetrotters!

Trigger is not enjoying his drink

Trigger:
Here, Mike, I ordered beer.

Mike:
Don't try to be funny with me, Trigger! I'll tell you this much: I've had certificates for my beer.

Trigger:
Yeah, I've had a few days off work with it an' all.

Del:
Come on Mr Jahan, let's discuss this over a drink, shall we?

Mr. Jahan:
OK, something non alcoholic.

Del:
Mike, a pint of your best Bitter please.

Rodney:
Albert, did...

Albert:
They're rumours, Rodney. That's all, rumours.

Trigger:
Hold up, hats off.

Boycie:
Hello, your mini cab's arrived, Albert.

Del:
Boycie!

Trigger:
Is that Dave?

Del:
Yeah.

Rodney:
You git. You rotten git! You never told me my new job was a chief mourner!!!

Del:
Rodney, please show some respect.

Rodney:
Look, that big traffic jam was not my fault! Alright, name one person who blamed me!

Del:
Mr Jahan did.

Uncle Albert:
Grieving relatives did.

Del:
The Flying Eye did.

Rodney:
How can you be sure it ain't been found!? Over the past few years, every policeman and underworld figure in the country must have been looking for that gold!

Del:
(talking about the gold that was stolen by Freddie the Frog) And what would they have done with it, eh? They either put it through a fence, which meant it becomes public knowledge, or they smelt it down themselves. And if they do that, well that amount of gold coming onto the market causes ripples, the sort of ripples that would be remembered for a long time!

Albert:
What if the police found it?

Del:
I'm talking about the police! The chaps never found it either; I had a chat with the Driscoll brothers!

Rodney:
(incredulous) You went and saw the Driscoll Brothers!?

Albert:
Why, what are they like?

Rodney:
Oh, they're smashing blokes, Unc! It's like bumping into the Two Ronnies; Biggs and Kray! And they never sussed out why you were asking questions!?

Del:
No! I mean, you know what they're like! A couple of years ago, some guru reckoned the world would end within a month, and Danny Driscoll bet a grand that it would! And he's the brains of the outfit!

Albert:
If you knew he was buried at sea, why'd you ask me to bring this shovel?

Del:
So I can whack you on the bloody head with it!

Rodney:
Do I look like him?

Albert:
It was just a rumour, son.

Rodney:
Do I look like him?

Albert:
A bit.

Del:
There's gotta be a way! He who dares wins! There's a million quids worth of gold out there - our gold. We can't just say 'bonjour' to it.

Rodney:
Freddie the Frog. Killed himself by sitting on someone else's detonator... What a plonker.

Mike:
Why does he keep doing it, eh?

Boycie:
God knows. I suppose at some time in his life, someone told him he could play the piano.

Mike:
Yeah, but I'd like to meet the git who told him he could sing!

Rodney:
You don't like baseball, you always called it "silly boys rounders".

Del:
Yeah, that's before i knew that it was in, now-a-days it's the kinda game that guys like me and Steven enjoy

Steven:
What do you mean "Guys like me and Steven"?

Del:
Well, yuppies.

Steven:
Yupp... Derek, I am not a yuppie!

Del:
You are Steven.

Steven:
No, no I'm...

Del:
No take it from me son, you are!

Del:
Brandy please, Pamela.

Pamela:
Armagnac?

Del:
Yeah, that'll do fine if you're out of Brandy.

Stephen:
And Africa is where it's at. Recently Joanne and I spent little time down in Afrique sur-mer.

Del:
Fabrique belgique.

Stephen:
What is a female swan called?

Del:
Got it. It's a bic.

Jevon:
You've got to give it to Del Boy, he did all the catering by himself.

Mickey Pearce:
Leave off Jevon, can you imagine Del Boy standing in the kitchen cutting up all them loaves? He probably got some idiot to do it for him.

Trigger:
No, I made them for him. (Rodney reacts)

Sid:
(annoyed that he wasn't asked by Del to make the sandwiches) I run a cafe, so why didn't you ask me to make the sandwiches?

Del:
The explanation is simple. We intend to eat them.

Alan:
(when Harry, the coach driver, suddenly becomes drunk) It's no problem. You just chuck him on the back seat, let him sleep it off.

Boycie:
Chuck him on the back seat? He's the driver!

Trigger:
What d'you think's wrong with him?

Mike:
What do I think? Well, snow-blindness would be my bet, Trig.

Trigger:
Yeah? I thought he was pissed.

Rodney:
Cass? You still there? Our coach has just blown up!

Uncle Albert:
I remember once just after the war.

Rodney:
Oh don't start, Unc!

Mickey:
We've had enough of your stupid stories for one day. Albert!

Del:
Oi, oi, oi! Watch it! He's a war hero, he's got a right to speak!

Uncle Albert:
I fought for free speech!

Del:
(to Albert, venomously) Shut up!

Del:
(to Rodney, who just got thrown out by Cassandra for punching her boss on the nose) Alright bruv, sort it all out?

Rodney:
That's it! Finished! Kaput! That was her last chance!

Raquel:
Good evening, Rodney.

Rodney:
I have never been so insulted in my life!

Del:
Well sit down bruv, let me have a go!

Raquel:
Rodney, you'll have to at least talk to her sooner or later. There'll be things to be discussed.

Del:
Yeah, like who gets custody of Barbie and Ken.

Del:
(in the kitchen, talking to Rodney about why Raquel is sleeping in Rodney's bedroom) You don't get it, do you? You see Raquel, Raquel is a lady, and when a lady's ready to to... well when she's ready to, she will let me know.

Rodney:
How?

Del:
She'll give me a sign.

Rodney:
Like what?

Del:
I don't know?

Rodney:
Maybe she'll put an advertisment in the Sunday Sport, eh?

Rodney:
Me wife doesn't love me, me mum's left me, and some bastard's nicked me bike.

Neighbour:
Erm, it's gone midnight!

Del:
(waving his fist in a threatening manner) Well go back to bed then.

Del:
Look, is there anything I can do to help?

Rodney:
Yes, piss off!

Rodney:
Well thanks to you, my wife now thinks I'm having a passionate affair with the siren of the exhaust centre, and you've offended my neighbours!

Woman:
People are trying to sleep!

Rodney:
Shut up!

Boycie:
Everything was going well, we were having a lovely holiday...

Marlene:
(cuts in) Shut up moaning.

Boycie:
And then they (the Trotter brothers) turn up! And within fifteen seconds some sod's shootin' at us!

Marlene:
You've done nothing but moan ever since we left Washington!

Boycie:
Get that bloody boat in for God's sake!

Albert:
You call that music, sounds more like noise to me. That's all you youngsters are interested in nowadays.

Rodney:
Didn't your generation ever enjoy itself Albert?

Albert:
When I was your age, I was fighting in the war!

Rodney:
You must have made more bloody noise than me then!

Denzil:
That's Derek Trotter in there, not bloody Einstein!

Trigger:
Del knows what he's talking about. And I don't see what the Beatles' manager has got to do with it anyway.

Denzil:
This could be anything, Trig! For all we know this could be... Well, this could be bloody Concorde fuel!

Del:
No, honest, its not Concorde fuel, it's anti-freeze from the Starship Enterprise!

Trigger:
When we were at school Del was the best in our class at chemistry. He used to sell homemade fireworks. He even blew up the science lab once.

Denzil:
Yes I remember. I was doing detention in there at the time.

Del:
It's closed!

Trigger:
(checks watch) Well, it's a bit late, innit?.

Del:
What d'you mean "a bit late"? You said it was open twenty four hours a day.

Trigger:
Yeah, but not at night!

Rodney:
We are not dealing with a normal person; this is Derek Trotter! Don't you understand, he is sucking the land dry! I'm expecting a visit from Lenny Henry and Bob Geldof any minute!

Myles:
First things first. We have to ascertain what kind of soil you have.

Del:
Well, it's this - earthy sort.

Rodney:
Well Trigger could be considered an expert.

Mike:
Trigger still doesn't know which end of the dart to throw.

Sid:
There we go Denzil, one bowl of piping hot porridge. That'll warm you up on a cold day.

Denzil:
Cheers Sid. (looks at his bowl of porridge) There's a hair in this.

Sid:
Give it here.

Denzil:
Here's another one.

Sid:
Give it here.

Denzil:
That's disgusting that is, Sid. If the health authorities saw this, they'd close you down.

Sid:
I've been closed down for worse than that Denzil. (to Trigger) I hate these politically correct people.

Trigger:
Yeah.

Sid:
What'll it be Trig?

Trigger:
Er, I'll try some of that porridge Sid.

Rodney:
(when Del says that he enjoys hanging with his friends rather than spending time with Raquel and Damien) Just who are your mates, Del? Denzil is a man who eats porridge with a wig in it, Trigger is a roadsweeper who gives pet names to his teeth, and then we have Boycie the freemason, a total snob who thinks anyone with a quid less than him is a peasant.

Del:
Why do women always want to know what time you got in? They say to you "What time did you get in last night?" and you go about "Quarter past twelve." and they go "No it weren't, it was twenty to two." You think well why bloody ask?

Mike:
Exactly. I came home one night and my missus says "Where you living now?" I said "Here." She said "No you ain't!" and threw me suitcase at me.

Mike, Boycie, Del, & Denzil:
Why ask?

Trigger:
Why ask?

Del:
(confronting Beverly at her workplace, convinced that she's stalking him) Now you listen to me. You leave me and my family alone! You don't frighten me. I'm not scared of you!

Beverly:
(to a patient) Mr. James. (to Del) What's wrong with you, you moron?

Trigger:
Oh just a couple of fillings.

Albert:
(when Damien throws the ball into his bedroom) Little git! (walks into the living room) I fought for this country shot and shell on how they treat you, ain't bloody fair, eh.

Trigger:
And that's what I've done. Maintained it for 20 years. This old brooms had 17 new heads and 14 new handles in its time.

Sid:
How the hell can it be the same bloody broom then?

Trigger:
There's the picture. What more proof do you need?

Rodney:
We were running in here going [impersonating Batman theme] da na na na na na na na na, and everything!

Rodney:
(dressed as Robin) We didn't know the fancy dress party had been cancelled.

Trigger:
Me either.

Rodney:
You mean, that's your costume?

Trigger:
Yeah. I come as a chauffeur. (thinks) I feel a bit stupid now.

Del:
(dressed as Batman) Yeah, you do stand out a bit.

Raquel:
You see this girl here. I worked with her years ago when I was in show business. She was just a kid then! Look at her now, she's about to appear in the new James Bond film!

Cassandra:
Ooh Pierce Brosnan.

Rodney:
Now you don't need Pierce Brosnan dear, you've got me.

Cassandra:
Yes, haven't I just?

Del:
Well, I tell you what, Raquel. If she can be in a James Bond film, so could you.

Raquel:
Oh shut up.

Del:
No, you could.

Raquel:
Don't be silly.

Del:
I'm serious. I mean, look at her, she's a dog.

Rodney:
One day, they might make a musical about the history of the Trotter family. Then as a sequel, they could do Schindler's List on Ice!

Rodney:
Cassandra, we are talking about Derek Trotter. To Del, market penetration means sex under a barrow!

Rodney:
(wearing a "Trotter crash-turban") I look like a human cannonball that's just crashed into a washing line!

Albert:
During the war...

Del:
Will you shut up!? Can't you see that Rodney and I are in the middle of a very important board meeting? We don't wanna hear stories about U-Boats and giant squids!

Del:
(talking about why Rodney won't talk to Cassandra after the miscarriage) Yes I know, he's got a lot on his mind, Raquel.

Raquel:
He's got a lot on his mind?! And how do you think Cassandra feels? She's the one who's had the miscarriage! She needs her husband by her side, not out drinking in some pub or club.

Del:
Yes I know, but she's a woman, ain't she? She's stronger than Rodney.

Albert:
During the...

Del:
If you say "During the war..." once more, I'm gonna pour this cup of tea right over your head!

Albert:
I wasn't gonna say "During the war..."!

Del:
Well that's alright then.

Albert:
Bloody little know-it-all.

Del:
Alright, sorry.

Albert:
Thank you. During the 1939-1945 conflict with Germany...

Rodney:
I never thought I'd see you like this! You're acting like a big kid just 'cos we're stuck in a lift for a while.

Del:
Yes, well you don't know how I feel! (kicks the door a couple of times) I feel... I feel sort of frightened! You don't know what that's like!

Rodney:
I don't know what it's like?! How do you think I've felt for the last couple of weeks since Cassie... since what happened?

Del:
I don't know, Rodney, I don't know how you've felt!

Rodney:
Well, I'll tell you, frightened ain't the word! Do you know what I did last night?

Del:
No, but I bet it was depressing!

Rodney:
I sat and read my diaries from when I was a school kid.

Del:
See, I was right!

Rodney:
No, not quite. I actually noticed moments of hope inside those pages - I mean there weren't many - just the occasional oasis of promise in a desert of pessimism. They were simple hopes, as you'd expect for someone of my age. I hoped for - hairs, hoped I'd do well in my exams, I even hoped for a good job when I left school.

Del:
Well, you got hairs, didn't you? Think how Right Said Fred must feel.

Rodney:
Me and Cass were so happy, Del. We were looking forward and all we could see in front of us was a big wide highway and we were just cruising like we were in a Rolls-Royce. And suddenly it came to a shattering halt - just like the poxy lift. Suddenly Happy Families became Dungeons and Dragons. (crying) And I've never felt sodding pain like that in all my life.

Del:
Is Cassandra hurting?

Rodney:
Well of course she is!

Del:
How do you know? You haven't talked to her about it.

Rodney:
No, and do you know why? Because... it's because... It's almost like if I don't talk about it, it might not be true.

Del:
But it is.

Rodney:
I know! I know. But if I don't say it...

Del:
If you don't say what?

Rodney:
We lost our baby!

Del:
But you did - and now you've said it.

Rodney:
Yeah. I've said it! You just shield yourself from it, you know. I've just been lying, ain't I?

Del:
In a way. And what about Cassandra?

Rodney:
Not her. Cassandra can't tell a lie.

Del:
Raquel can, the moment one leaves my lips.

Rodney:
Cassie seemed so fragile. I wanted to cuddle her and talk to her about it - but I was frightened I might... sort of break her.

Del:
No. She's strong, Rodney. Look, it's just a dropped stitch in life's tapestry. That's what Mum used to say.

Rodney:
Yeah, I suppose that's about the strength of it when you think about it.

Del:
Of course it is. You two'll pick up the bits and pieces and be cruising down that big highway again. Cassandra wants to talk about it, she told Raquel.

Rodney:
What do I say to her?

Del:
Well, you tell her exactly what you told me - you can leave out the bit about the hairs if you like. You go home and you have a heart-to-heart with her right now. And while you're there, you ask her if she fancies coming round for dinner tonight.

Rodney:
Yeah, I'd love to Del, but there is the little matter that I'm stuck in a lift.

Del:
Oh yeah. (stands up and opens the control panel) Let's have a look in here.

Rodney:
Claustrophobia cleared up quick, didn't it?

Del:
Yeah well, got over the worst of it.

Rodney:
(stands up) Almost as quick as that flu you had this morning.

Del:
Well, these things, they come and go, don't they? Oh look, there's a little switch in here. (presses a switch, and the lift begins moving again) There you go.

Rodney:
(angry) You git! You stopped it!

Del:
(smiling) It was the only way I could get you talking! You can't run away in a broken lift.

Rodney:
You git!

Rodney:
(laughing) You! You git!

Del:
(taking a smell of the "coffee" Albert just made) Hang about, which coffee did you make this with?

Albert:
That jar over there.

Del:
This ain't coffee! Smell it, it's bloody gravy.

Albert:
Yeah, that's gravy. Well it's not my fault. It's them jars, look. How am I supposed to tell the difference?

Del:
I'll tell you how you tell the difference. This one has on the label, Maxwell House coffee and on this one it says Oxo gravy granules. Bit of a giveaway really, innit?

Albert:
Well, I was in a hurry and I got mixed up.

Del:
I'll mix you up in a min...[realises] Hang on a minute. If you've made gravy in the coffee pot, then what are they pouring over their dinners in there? (goes to look) All right?

Audrey:
Wonderful.

Del:
(uneasy smile) Cushty. (to Albert) They're only doing it. They are only out there doing it now! They are only pouring Maxwell bleeding House over their lamb noisewats and veg. I don't believe you. Not only have you managed to sink every battleship and aircraft carrier that you've ever sailed on, but now you've gone and knackered a gravy boat!

Cassandra:
(offer Del the "gravy") Del?

Del:
No! I mean, no thank you sweetheart, I'm trying to give it up.

Cassandra:
Albert?

Albert:
Er, not for me dear.

Del:
Oh yes, you'll have some. Come on Albert you know how you like your gravy. (completly covers Albert's dinner in coffee, all Albert can do is sit and watch sadly. Del then whispers to him) Git!

Del:
How much exactly did it go for?

Rodney:
Six point two million. Just over three million each.

Del:
Well we've had worse days, ain't we?

Del:
Come on Rodney, this is our big chance. He who dares wins! This time next year, we could be billionaires!

Trigger:
When I go in there, I'll just say I hear voices.

Denzil:
Trigger, you're not on trial, you're a character witness.

Trigger:
I know. But I still hear voices!

Boycie:
Oh, God. This is gonna be one of them days!

Trigger:
There's nothing to be nervous about, Denzil. All you've gotta do is go in there and tell the truth.

Denzil:
Trigger, if I go in there and tell the truth, Del and Rodney'll spend the next five years sharpening Jeffrey Archer's pencils!

Del:
Don't worry Rodney, this time next year, we'll be millionaires!

Rodney:
This time last week, we were millionaires!

Del:
(regarding the loss of their fortune) Oh, it's my fault, is it!?

Rodney:
Either you, or this is the Chinese Year of the Dodo!

Rodney:
So ummm... what you doing here, Trig?

Trigger:
Well Del said he'd give me a lift to the pub.

Rodney:
Oh, right. (realises) But you live closer to the pub than us.

Trigger:
I know.

Rodney:
In fact, you have to walk past the pub to get to this flat.

Trigger:
Yeah? But Del said he'd give me a lift!

Trigger:
Ain't there any words to this, Dave?

Rodney:
Words? No... no words. Sorta instrumental.

Del:
What's this?

Trigger:
It's Mozart's symphony number 38 in D Major. It's the karaoke version.

Del:
Here, Boyce. You know this car's a GTI. If you rearrange the numbers then you got yourself a personalised number plate!

Damien:
(to Raquel) Mum, Uncle Rodders says that I'll be horrible when I'm all grown up.

Raquel:
Oh did he?

Rodney:
Yeah, well, they all are aren't they? They go through that Kevin and Perry stage.

Raquel:
Yeah, suppose they are a bit annoying. But when you reach 21 a man leaves those days behind him and matures into a responsible adult.

Del:
(on the phone) So, I squeezed this tube of onion puree into his hair gel! So Boycie goes to the wedding smelling like a Big Mac!

Raquel:
Well that's the theory, anyway.

Del:
One of my most favouritist meals is Duck à l'Orange, but I don't know how to say that in French.

Rodney:
It's canard.

Del:
You can say that again bruv!

Rodney:
No the French word for duck is canard.

Del:
Is it? I thought that was something to do with the QE2?

Rodney:
No that's Cunard. They're the ones with the boats and what have you. The French for duck is canard.

Del:
Right lovely jubbly. Right, so how do the French say à l'Orange then?

Rodney:
A l'Orange!

Del:
What, the same as we do?

Rodney:
Yes.

Del:
Oh dear, it's a pity they don't use more of our words innit eh?

Rodney:
Here's another one of them, Del! It's like a geriatric Village of the Damned!

Del:
I don't know about St. Claire a la Chappelle, they should rename this place "Trottersville"!

Del:
Captain Corelli's Mandolin? More like Captain Birdseye's Banjo!

Del:
We're just gonna have to let him go then.

Rodney:
We can't just let him go! A stranger on this estate? Imagine what the gangs will do to him?

Denzil:
Yeah. For all we know, he could be part of Al-Qaeda!

Rodney:
Don't be stupid, Denzil.

Del:
Yeah. I mean, does he look like he works in a furniture store?

Boycie:
Have you ever spent an evening in Trigger's flat!? It's like holding a seance with Mr. Bean.

Gary:
Gary!

Sid:
This group do a tribute to Robson and Jerome.

Rodney:
Why?

Del:
Well Boycie, I hope you won't take offence and what I'm about to say, but me and Rodney think you've murdered Marlene and buried her in the garden.

Boycie:
How dare you! Murdered my wife and buried her in the garden? I have never been so insulted in my life. You know how much I've spent on that garden! You think I'm going to dig a hole in it?

Trigger:
(talking about his invention of a backscratcher made from chopsticks) Raquel, can you pass a message onto Del Boy?

Raquel:
OK.

Trigger:
Tell him there's been a bit of a setback. My paraffin heater melted the chopsticks. I might have to go to a Chinese shop. He'll understand.

Cassandra:
Why do they do that?

Raquel:
It's like I've told you, Cassandra. Women are from Venus, men are from Peckham!

Cassandra:
There's you. (realisation hits her)

Rodney:
Yeah there's me. July 1960. Before I was born.

Cassandra:
Who is it?

Rodney:
He's my father.

Cassandra:
But your father...

Rodney:
My real father, Cass. My biological old man.

Raquel:
Who is he?

Del:
His name was Freddie Robdal. He was a mate of my dad's. My mum was having a rough time with the old man. He was very handy, if you know what I mean, with women. Not much cop when it came to men, but a hard nut with women and kids. One day, my dad brought Freddie home, and him and my mum got on like a house on fire. They had the same taste in music and... well, everything.

Cassandra:
And what was he, this Freddie Robdal?

Rodney:
He was a gentleman safe-cracker. They called him "The Raffles of Peckham". People have mentioned him before and we sounded similar. He was a connoisseur of fine wines, a gourmet, a real snappy dresser, and big-time charmer.

Cassandra:
So, how are you similar?

Rodney:
We're about the same height.

Raquel:
And you've known all these years?

Del:
No. At least, not when Rodney was a baby. When you get to 20, and your 6-year-old brother is taller than you, it makes you think. I never knew really who he was. As a youngster, I was told to call him "Uncle Fred". Then a few years back, Uncle Albert got drunk at an old folks' do... It was a wet corset contest. Anyway, he told me all about Freddie and my mum. I don't know if you noticed, but there are no photographs of my mum in this house, except for a couple of close-ups.

Raquel:
I assumed your dad had taken them when he left.

Del:
No. He only used to take money and things that he could sell. Then Uncle Albert told me. It was my Aunt Renee who sorted it all after Mum's funeral. You see every picture of Mum included Freddie Robdal, and Aunt Renee knew that as Rodney got older, people would start to see the stimularities, so she burnt them.

Del:
(when Rodney asks if he's anything like his father, Freddie the Frog) Freddie the Frog was a professional burglar. He was disloyal to his friends. He was a womaniser, a home-breaker, a con-man, a thief, a liar, and a cheat... So no Rodney, you're nothing like him.

Del:
Can I ask you a question, Rodders?

Rodney:
Fire away.

Del:
Where did that runway come from?

Rodney:
I don't fancy making that film now.

Del:
You know what, Rodders? That's a bloody good idea! (both Trotter Brothers laugh)