Outnumbered, Series 2

Sue:
You mustn't arm wrestle this little girl cos she only looks about three.

Girl:
Four!

Sue:
She's four.

Pete:
You are not allergic to peas. No one's allergic to peas. No one in the world is allergic to peas!

Karen:
How do you know, because you - you haven't asked the people and - even if you did, I know you'd be lying because you can't speak Indian, you can't speak Japanese, you can't speak - you can't speak Australian or any of that!

Sue:
They didn't say anything on their website about it being flat packed!

Jake:
Is some furniture not flat packed, then?

Karen:
Brethrens, we are gathered here in the bosom of Jesus to say goodbye to this, to this mouse, killed before its time. We have given it cheese and bread for its journey to heaven, or at least if it goes to hell, it'll have cheese on toast. Next up is the Pope. Dust to dust, for richer or for poorer, in sickness or in health, may the force be with you, because you're worth it, amen and out. Thank you, Pope.

Sue:
It's 6:25! How come they actually wake up early on the weekend?

Jake:
(while the family is playing board games) Fat, gold guy.

Pete:
Goldfinger. David Dickinson.

Jake:
He's like a god.

Pete:
Who is he?

Jake:
Buddha.

Pete:
The divine inspiration for hundreds of millions of people...fat, gold guy?

Karen:
his name is bob, and he is a builder.

Sue:
BO.. oh... (thinking)BOB THE BUILDER!

Pete:
You got yourself a coffee?

Jake:
Yeah. Double espresso.

Pete:
A double espresso?

Jake:
Well, you're one who's telling me to like, try new things all the time.

Pete:
Yeah but I meant vegetables and stuff, not stimulants, you've never had caffeine before, I -

Jake:
Don't get in a state. I only drank half of it.

Pete:
Oh. Okay.

Jake:
Ben drank the other half.

Pete:
(pauses) You let Ben drink a double espresso??

Ben:
It tasted horrible to begin with, but then I added five spoonfuls of sugar and now I feel all zingy zangy zongy!

Pete:
Zingy. Zangy. Zongy.

Ben:
I feel like lightning!

Pete:
Oh my god.

Pete:
Did you know he had the knife?

Sue:
No, I didn't know he had the knife. Or the fish skeleton. Or the doll's head with the little hermit crab in it.

Karen:
Can I go to Daisy's sleepover?

Pete:
No.

Karen:
But why?

Pete:
Because sleepovers are the invention of the devil.

Karen:
But you let me go to Alexa's sleepover…

Pete:
Yes. And you watched The Hills Have Eyes and you didn't sleep for six months. And then, when we drove to Bristol, you said the Cotswolds were staring at you.

Karen:
But you always go out.

Pete:
We haven't been out for… *thinks* Nine months!

Karen:
You went out that time not long ago…

Pete:
To your parent's evening.

Karen:
Yes, but when you came in you smelled like pub.

Karen:
One time I woke up and I only had four fingers like the Simpsons, and I went into Ben's room and he had - he had my finger sellotaped on, so he had - (counts quickly under her breath) he had six fingers all in one hand.

Pete:
Are you sure that's a dream? That does sound like something Ben might do.

Granddad:
(flipping through television channels) This is crap. So's that. That really IS crap! Good God Almighty! What's that woman doing? Why is she staring at the contents of that bloke's toilet?

Jake:
That's Dr. Gillian McKeith, granddad.

Granddad:
Eh?

Jake:
That's what she does. She looks down other people's toilets.

Granddad:
Who's your favourite Beatle?

Ben:
Ringo Starr.

Granddad:
Why?

Ben:
He's called Ringo Starr!

Karen:
How can you not like somebody you've never met?

Sue:
Good point, Karen.

Karen:
Yes, you should only hate people you know.

Sue:
Ye... er...

Karen:
Like Miss Braybrook.

Sue:
But you love Miss Braybrook! She's the reason you're Christian!

Karen:
Not any more, that's all rubbish.

Pete:
Rubbish is a bit harsh.

Karen:
I don't believe in God anymore, I'm a Satanist.

Pete:
I think that's an atheist. Satanists...do things to goats.

Pete:
You have to treat everybody's views whatever they believe with equal respect don't you?

Karen:
What? Even idiots?

Ben:
I've been on my best behaviour all day long.

Pete:
You were specifically told "no fighting, no swearing and no drinking alcohol" and I caught you bashing this kid's head on the floor shouting "Don't touch my bloody beer!"

Ben:
But he was disrespecting me.

Jake:
Dad’s a terrorist!