Party of Five, Season 4

Mrs Reeves:
How could you lie to us, Sarah?

Julia:
Do I have to sign Mrs. Holbrook?

Mover:
Lady, you can sign Hillary Clinton for all I care.

Bailey:
How could you lie to me like that all summer?

Sarah:
Wow, let's see. My parents said they didn't want me seeing you anymore because you're irresponsible and dangerous. I couldn't figure out a nice way to put that.

Griffin:
Absence definitely makes the heart grow weirder.

Bailey:
How long am I gonna be persona au gratin?

Sarah:
What can they do? I mean they say they don't believe me, I say, hey, let's break a windshield over your head and see how much you remember.

Schuyler:
I gotta tell you. I look at you guys and I think how often do you get to see a good man find an even better woman... Yeah, I just wish I knew which was which.

Charlie:
My little brother Owen, he is the most important thing that I have ever had to take care of. I'm not taking any chances with him. None. And I don't care who it hurts. You, me. I would hurt anybody to protect him. So I'm doing it. Because that's the only thing I know how to do.

Sarah:
What does Callie have to do with this?

Bailey:
Nothing.

Claudia:
I mean who leads off with their crummiest characteristics? "Hi, I'm Charlie. I have a frequent body odor, a limp and a tendency towards violence. You wanna make that dinner and a movie or just dinner?"

Bailey:
[to Sarah] Besides I told you you shouldn't live with me out of fear. And you're not living with me out of fear. You're living with me out of desperation.

Sarah:
Apparently there is a nice, clean, safe stud on the third floor.

Charlie:
You're never going to guess what I have.

Nina:
Is it contagious?

Charlie:
I hope so.

Sarah:
We should take all of the energy that we used to devote to constructive things, like school work, and instead apply it to an elaborate plan to drive her out of her mind and apartment 14.

Sarah:
We are going to look back on this as one of those most important times in our lives. You know like like our Season of Self-Reliance.

Bailey:
Hey, can I have some of your milk? I know I still owe the cookie jar, but if I have to eat my corn flakes with root beer again...

Charlie:
That is why, Owen, that you need to take time when you meet new friends. You go slow just for this reason, to save yourself needless suffering. And the other thing we've learned here O, is that your big brother, he is always right okay? You feel better now?

Charlie:
Don't touch that Owen, that fish is covered with feathers.

Nina:
It's a bird, Charlie.

Kirsten:
Well, the endive is just right, and the, uh, balsamic's perfect, and I'm married Charlie. I, uh, I got married.

Charlie:
I'm happy for you. And you know what? I really, really mean that. 'Cause I really am. And I don't know - I guess that means that things must be going okay for me too. That's all I ever wanted, was to see you happy. I guess I always thought that meant we'd be happy together, but I lost you - but I still get what I wanted most. I still got what was most important... I love you Kirsten.

Charlie:
I keep looking at everything, and I'm like...what's 75% of that tree over there? Is that a lot? Is it a good chance? Does it mean I'm gonna live?

Claudia:
If I owned an Armani anything, I would wear nothing else. I mean, what is your problem with this suit?

Charlie:
Okay, you want to know what it is... Kathleen gave it to me. Like as a tip so every time I put it on I feel like a gigolo or something.

Claudia:
That's very moving Charlie, but my feeling on this is unless you're going to say that in your wedding toast, you should put on the suit.

Claudia:
Charlie, what happened to you?

Charlie:
Nothing, I guess. I just haven't been eating much since Nina went on that trip.

Claudia:
Get her on the phone, we gotta fatten you up.

Griffin:
A cake I like... a cake I like is an ice-cream cake.

Julia:
A cake that melts. Are you insane?

Sarah:
How does this smell?

Bailey:
That depends. What kind of insect are you trying to repel?

Bailey:
You don't get to choose, you just fall, and then you have this person, this weird person, who's all wrong and all right at the same time.

Charlie:
There are things that you do for people you love. And they're not the same things you do for people you like. Not even people you like a lot. Because I look at you and I think this is too much for her...Because if you know this is too much for you, you have to tell me that too.

Charlie:
One month into a relationship we should be talking about the latest movie, not the latest trend in radiation.

Griffin:
I'm worse than married, I'm in love.

Charlie:
I just gotta know, Julia. What are you waiting for, Julia? My funeral?

Julia:
What?

Charlie:
I mean, I can't get Claudia to shut up about it, and you, I don't hear a word from! Nothing! You don't even stop by! It's like I'm going through all this, and you couldn't care less!

Julia:
You think that? You think I don't care?

Charlie:
What am I supposed to think? What's take, Julia? How much effort is required to pick up a freakin' phone?

Julia:
Maybe it takes, I don't know, some sign, something that I'm a part of your life! I mean, you want me to care, Charlie, but you didn't want me to know!

Charlie:
But you do know! Now you know!

Julia:
But you didn't tell me! Claudia did.

Charlie:
Look, I don't have time to play games with you, Julia.

Julia:
Games? You are the one playing games, Charlie. You let me go on and on about my stupid money problems. You don't interrupt. You don't say a word about your health, like your cancer isn't important enough to mention! Like how could Julia possibly care about anything but herself? God, what am I supposed to do Charlie, except take my cue from you? If you have wanted anything from me, if you had expected anything from me, you would have treated me like I was capable of coming through for you. But obviously, you don't. So congratulations, Charlie. I guess you have me pegged.

Charlie:
What is this? What is your...God, I'm sick! I'm sick, and you've got a problem with, with my process? Get over yourself, Julia! Man, I thought Owen was the baby of the family!

Sarah:
What else?

Bailey:
What else?

Sarah:
Yeah, what else do you want to yell at me about. Because if this helps you to be angry and scream about how unfair this all is... how helpless you feel, how helpless you are, well then that's what you need to do. Go ahead, I can take it.

Kirsten:
I don't want to be the only one Charlie. Because what happens when I disappoint you some day...and I'm scared cause if I'm the only one I have to watch what I say and what I do...I hear what you are saying about them and it's like, I'm next in line to make the same mistakes they're making. I'll call you too much or not enough. Or you're going to get insulted about some analogy I make from my life.

Claudia:
It must be bad, otherwise you would have leveled with me. You would have said it's cancer and one in four people who get it die. But you didn't. You said it was one hundred percent curable and then you bought me ice cream.

Claudia:
Are you going to die?

Charlie:
No, I'm NOT going to die.

Claudia:
Why should I believe you?

Annie:
[to Bailey]] Don't you dimple me. I can't take that kind of pressure.

Sarah:
Julia, a job is like waiting tables or cleaning toilets. It's not supposed to be fun. That's why they call it work.

Julia:
Oh, I can beat you misery for misery.

Justin:
Okay. New Haven is the bleakest, coldest, most depressing place in the world.

Julia:
Wow, that's good. Try living in a shed.

Sarah:
Must be the nutmeg.

Will:
I love nutmeg.

Sarah:
Or maybe it's the vanilla.

Will:
I love vanilla.

Bailey:
I'm thinking it's the rum.

Sarah:
I didn't put any rum in this.

Bailey:
No, but those guys did.

Will:
Love those guys.

Justin:
I always hated you.

Griffin:
Huh? Oh, yeah. What a coincidence. I always hated you, too.

Justin:
I mean, let's be honest. You got this whole "bad boy" thing going on "this is me, and I don't give a damn" thing that women always go for Makes me wanna puke.

Griffin:
Well, what about you, huh? You with your "smartest and thinks he's smartest" routine. Major pain in the butt, Mr. Harvard freakin' law.

Justin:
It's Yale! All right? And I'm an English major.

Griffin:
Ooh, yeah, Mr. Yale freakin' English.

Justin:
You know what really baffles my ass? I'm the one who's killing myself. And you, you already got everything you want. You got your stupid little motorcycle shop, you're married to this perfect woman, and it's just Man, go figure.

Griffin:
Yeah, well, it's not all it's cracked up to be, all right? I've got overhead, I've got long hours, and I'm living in a shed. You know, Harvard's a piece of cake compared to the real world, pal.

Justin:
Yale!

Griffin:
Yale schmale, man! Don't come crying on my shoulder. You're the one that's got it easy.

Justin:
Oh, oh, you think you got it rough? Whoo-hoo. I was valedictorian at Grant. You know that? And then I go to Yale and, hello! All of a sudden I'm failing English lit. English lit! It's like all of a sudden I'm stupid or something. Oh, and the people there. Oh, my God. My roommate He's this Thurston Howell turd wannabe. First day he starts off by unpacking his collection of Brandy snifters. And he's telling me all about his Polo scores, and I'm like, "whatever!" It sucks. Ok? It blows! Ok? Ok?!

Griffin:
Uh, ok, yeah. No, man, whatever. You yeah, you win.

Justin:
Is there any more of this stuff?

Griffin:
Oh, yeah. Hey, the next one's on me, bro.

Annie:
You're the oldest twenty-year old I know.

Bailey:
Actually, I'm nineteen.

Julia:
What about Owen? Should I call a doctor or something?

Charlie:
Which color food is it now?

Julia:
What? He's done this before?

Charlie:
Yeah, when Bailey went to college last year he wouldn't eat anything that wasn't green. It means he's a little freaked by what's going on.

Julia:
Yeah, well this year it's white.

Charlie:
Well, then my advice is cook white food.

Bailey:
He's eating popcorn for breakfast?

Julia:
Hey, it's white!

Charlie:
C'mon back. I'll throw up on both of you.

Bailey:
How am I supposed to run this place without waiters?

Waitress:
John Dory's a fish.

Bailey:
Well, how am I supposed to run this place without fish?

Bailey:
That restaurant needs you Charlie. Everyone there is like, "How can we radiate him faster. Can we pop him in the microwave or something?"

Owen:
Damn! Damn! Damn! You owe me money.

Julia:
Owen. What?

Griffin:
It's 7:30, where the hell have you been?

Julia:
I've been working. What is Owen yelling?

Claudia:
Damn, you owe me money, damn.

Griffin:
He's been at the shop with me.

Julia:
With all that stuff is like toxic and dangerous.

Griffin:
It beats leaving him here alone.

Julia:
Claudia!

Claudia:
Hey, I never said I'd babysit.

Owen:
Damn! Damn!

Julia:
Owen, stop it! Look, he's covered in grease, did you think about giving him a bath?

Griffin:
That's my job too?

Julia:
Hey, I was working.

Griffin:
Well, I should have been working, not watching your little brother.

Julia:
Has he eaten yet?

Griffin:
I don't know. Did you bring home some dinner?

Julia:
There's chicken in the fridge.

Griffin:
Well, what do you want me to do? Cook it?

Julia:
Yes.

Griffin:
No! That's not the way it works, I'm working, I'm not coming home to cooking, cleaning and screaming kids!

Owen:
Damn, you owe me money, damn.

Griffin:

Charlie:
Julia, when I'm in that bed I'm either waiting to get well or waiting to die. I'm not living. I'm just.....waiting.

Sarah:
I'm the honest virgin and you're the lying, stinking, creepo virgin.

Claudia:
The only thing that matters. The only thing that's real is the Here and Now. No matter how much you love something or how much you take it for granted, nothing lasts forever.

Elliot:
[to Sarah] It's not that simple. Because I wasn't sure. I didn't want it to be true. When I realized how I felt about you I thought you were my salvation or something. I thought, if I could love this woman that would make it all go away.

Sarah:
Wow, I just don't get men, like, at all.

Elliot:
Yeah? Welcome to the club.

Kevin:
I feel like a groundhog. If I see my shadow that means six more weeks of radiation.

Professor:
If you want to stay enrolled at this college, you have to get this paper done and you have to get it done right away, or...

Bailey:
Actually, what I have to do? I have to go to the hospital right now because my brother's there with pneumonia. And then I have to cover for him at his work. Then I have to go to a parent conference at my little brother's daycare, 'cause he doesn't have any parents. And then after that I have to go to my other job -- the one that actually pays my rent. So, you'll get the paper when you get it, OK? That's the best I can do.

Bailey:
The doc says you're doin' much better and what you really need now is some high-quality REM sleep, and then...

Charlie:
Then what? I'll only have cancer? ... Just let me be OK with 'whatever happens is gonna happen.' It's so much better that way. If I get better, I get better -- that's great. If I die, I die -- that's not so great. But, you know what -- it's there. So please, just let me stop pretending that it's not.

Paul:
[about her spending time with Charlie] I don't want your apology Kirsten. I just want your.....I just want you.

Kirsten:
You can't tell me you're jealous?!

Paul:
I can't? Are you kidding? How many times have you been near or at an altar with this man?

Charlie:
I've gotta be okay with whatever happens to me. But you guys - I want to know that you're gonna be okay. It's not like I've spent enough time thinking about how I'm gonna live through this. I've also got to spend some time figuring out how I'm gonna die.

Bailey:
I'm really tired of being the guy who just....no sweat, bring it on. I can handle it. I can handle everything. Because you know what? I can't. I can't handle everything. It's easier to just....not.

Social Worker:
Is there a plan in place if Charlie doesn't recover?

Bailey:
Hey, he's gonna get better.

Julia:
He really is.

Social Worker:
I'm sorry, but you don't know that. I know you don't want to hear this, but I believe these kids are being neglected.

Bailey:
But that's...come on. It's not like they're living on the street, or they're not eating.

Social Worker:
No, but frankly, I think the two of you are in way over your heads, and look at the cost. You've got a 15-year-old who practically dropped out at school, and nobody noticed! That's neglect. And as far as I can tell, she's the one who ends up looking after Owen a lot of the time. Now, this is a girl who has not yet demonstrated that she can take care of herself, let alone a 4-year-old. And does anybody make time for that little boy, or is it just about shuttling him to and from daycare? Because that's also neglect.

Julia:
Look, we're really trying.

Social Worker:
You know what I see? I see a family that is one step away from complete disaster, and I will not let that happen.

Claudia:
I don't have anybody.

Julia:
What?

Claudia:
You've got Griffin. Bailey has Annie. I don't have anybody.

Julia:
[to Social worker] I know how to do this. I had a really good mother.

Kirsten:
[to Charlie] You know Paul's a good man, right? ... He just never wanted any of his own. ... I wanted to be able to do this for you.

Bailey:
Mr. Optimism here is working on his will. Just so you know - I was about to say, dibs on Owen; you can have Claudia.

Julia:
I guess I just sometimes wish I went to college, that's all.

Griffin:
Instead of what?

Bailey:
[at 3:00 a.m.] Wrong number. My heart is pounding.

Julia:
God, phone calls in the middle of the night, huh?

Charlie:
Phones used to ring all the time in the middle of the night. It just meant Dad was hung up at the restaurant or Mom's car battery died after rehearsal, that's all. 'Til that night. Some police officer, Sergeant Dubrowsky. Darrell Dubrowsky, saying "There's been an accident, son." Saying it real slow. Saying it twice. March 22, 1994, at 11:45. That's when phone calls in the middle of the night stopped being nothing. And nothing's ever been nothing since, you know? You don't see your brother when you pull up to daycare -- he's been kidnapped. Your sister gets home late from a music lesson -- she got hit by a bus. Doctor tells you your test results turned up an irregularity -- you're gonna die. I guess that's the way life works, you know? I know that now.

Julia:
Charlie.

Bailey:
Come on, man -- don't do this to yourself.

Charlie:
Did I do it to myself? I don't know, Bay. For 24 years I believed that everything always turned out OK. And then March 22, 1994 happened, and now I don't.

Annie:
[to Sarah] There are good answers for people who have money, and there are good answers for people who have people to take care of them, but there are no good answers for me.

Bailey:
Why do I feel like I did something wrong?

Julia:
'Cause that's you, Bay.

Bailey:
Why? Why is that me? Because I wasn't always like this, Jul. You remember, when I was, like, 15 years old? I was getting in trouble all the time, blowing off my curfew...

Julia:
Well, that's just being a kid. You were a kid.

Bailey:
Right. And then they died. They checked out and the next day I was, I was this adult. I went from being 15 one day to 45 the next.

Charlie:
[to Bailey & Julia at the cabin] I don't wanna play any more games, OK? I'm not some little kid who's afraid of the dark. I mean, I wish, I wish, I wish that's all there was to be afraid of. Wouldn't that be simple?

Claudia:
That's exactly what everyone said when Mom and Dad left. "Try to get back to normal Claudia." So I tried that, I really tried. And I was getting pretty good at it. But that's it, I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not going to try to be okay with people leaving me ever again.

Bailey:
What kind of nimrod calls a food product "gorp"? Is that supposed to be appetizing? I might as well name it "zard" or "quiff". How bout "barf" could be a better name than-- Hey! Charlie.

Daphne:
So, you beat the big C! I mean, now what? Join the Peace Corps? Shave your head?

Charlie:
Well, I thought I'd do another load of whites.

Griffin:
[to Julia] God, what was this whole year -- was this an experiment for you? 'Cause that's what it feels like. Like you've just been slumming around for a whole year. Got a couple of jobs, a marriage. And if that doesn't work out, you can always go back to school, 'cause that's what everyone thought you were gonna do anyway.... I'm not lucky like you, Julia. This is it for me.

Julia:
[about Griffin] It feels bad coming home to an empty house. Except it feels empty even when he's here.

Justin:
Well, I guess you gotta decide which feels less bad.

Charlie:
What the devil have I done with my slippers?

Daphne:
Here are your slippers! And there, take your slippers and may never a day's luck with them.

Charlie:
What on earth?! What did you throw those slippers at me for?

Bailey:
Are you finding this really sad?

Sarah:
You mean Charlie's acting?

Charlie's Review:
A word to Charlie Salinger, who according to the program is making his stage debut -- if you have a day job, sir, I beg you not to quit it. And if you don't have one, please get one immediately.

Julia:
[to Charlie, about Daphne] That's who you're going to for career advice? Someone whose main source of income is taking their clothes off?

Bailey:
It's like we jumped into bed so we wouldn't have to talk, you know?

Sarah:
I'll take your word for it.

Griffin:
[to Julia] I'm such a sap... You say you wanna be with me and I start doing cartwheels down the beach.

Charlie:
You have an unusual occupation, Daphne. They are curious.

Daphne:
Like people are curious about mad cow disease... I want you to let them know that I have other incredible qualities besides being able to unsnap my bra with my teeth.

Grocery clerk:
Just not your day, huh?

Griffin:
It's not my decade.

Jay:
[trying to figure out why Bailey asked Annie to marry him] Was it because you knew, all of a sudden, that you couldn't live without her? Was that it? Did you wake up one day and realize that the biggest mistake of your life was letting her go? Did you just realize that you would give up everything you have... everything, just for a shot at getting her back? Because if that's what it is, then I apologize. If you love her that much, then I'm way off base. I just hope that you really want this. Because if you don't, if you don't love her that much, then what you're doing here, you're trying to take away a wife and a daughter from someone who does.

Annie:
[to Bailey] And all I do it just run it over and over: Natalie and Jay and you, and the drinking and Oakland, and you. And there's all these reasons on one side, and on the other side, there's just you.

Griffin:
[to Julia] This is real life. Having to make hard decisions, and compromising what each other wants, and trying not hurt each other. That's what our whole life together's been about. It doesn't mean that we don't love each other, it just means that maybe we shouldn't live with each other. It's this weekend, I saw that you were so happy. I was thinking, what is it that I can give you that would make you that happy in real life. And the one thing I could think of was to let you go off and be on your own. I could give you that.

Sarah:
[to Bailey] It's no big deal. I mean it's what it was always, pretty much. I love you. That's all.

Charlie:
[to Kirsten] I want you to love him.... 'Cause I know how incredible that feels to have you in my life, and I want him to have that too.