Pee-wee's Playhouse, Season 1

Pee-wee:
Hey, Magic Screen, what's that red thing over there?

Magic Screen:
What a silly question Pee-wee. It's the door.

Everyone else:
[screams]

Mr. Window:
Hey, Pee-wee!

Pee-wee:
Yes, Mr. Window?

Mr. Window:
Someone's at the do-- uh... Someone's at the red-padded entrance.

Pee-wee:
Oh, you mean the door.

Everyone else:
[screams]

Jambi:
Hey, Pee-wee, are you ready to make your wish yet?

Pee-wee:
No, but I'll take a prediction.

Jambi:
Okay, I predict... we'll be back right after this!

Randy:
What's the matter, Pee-wee?

Pee-wee:
I'm bored, Randy.

Randy:
Bored? There's plenty of things to do on a rainy day.

Pee-wee:
I know Randy, but I've done all them already.

Randy:
No, you haven't. See this phone here?

Pee-wee:
Yes, I've called everyone I know.

Randy:
So? Call some people you don't know!

Pee-wee:
What do you mean?

Randy:
Here, I'll show you. (goes into the picture phone and dials a number of a housewife who answers)

Housewife:
Hello.

Randy:
Hello. Is your refrigerator running?

Housewife:
Why yes.

Randy:
Then, you better go and catch it! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. (hangs up) See Pee-wee? It's easy. You try one.

Pee-wee:
No Randy, that's not fun! It's not nice to make prank phone calls!

Randy:
Don't be such a chicken! (dials the number of the same housewife) Here's it's ringing. (hands the phone to Pee-wee)

Housewife:
(irritated) Hello?

Pee-wee:
Hello, is your refrigerator running?

Housewife:
I've had just about enough of this! My husband is a police officer. Darryl?

Darryl:
Yes, dear? (takes the phone from his wife) What's your name, kid?

Pee-wee:
Pee-wee Herman.

Darryl:
Well, you listen to me, Pee-wee Herman. Making prank phone calls is against the law! If I wasn't such a nice guy, I'd take you downtown and throw ya into jail! And you'd have a criminal record for the rest of your life. Would ya like that?

Pee-wee:
Uh, no, sir. I mean, no, officer!

Policeman:
Yeah. All right. I'll let you go this time. But next time, you're goin' to jail.

Mr. Window:
Hey, Pee-wee, here comes Dixie!

[Dixie walks in with no jacket on and she is all oily]

Pee-wee:
Hi, Dixie. I didn't hear your horn honk.

Dixie:
All right. All right. If it'll make ya happy, "Honk! Honk!"

Pee-wee:
Boy, are you uptight or what?

Dixie:
I'm sorry, Pee-wee. [offers a handshake with her oily hand]

Pee-wee:
EWW!

Dixie:
Oh, my cab's got a flat tire! I had to walk all the way up the hill. You know, it's been a really bad day.

Everyone else:
[screams]

Pee-wee So, where's the King of Cartoons?

Dixie:
Hey, your majesty! [beat] STEP ON IT!!

[after Pee-wee wins dinner for two on Big Question]

Jack:
Thanks for playing, and I hope you had fun!

[Pee-wee screams]

Jack:
I get it! Secret word!

[Pee-wee attempts to putt his golf ball into the windmill, but misses; his friends cheer]

Pee-wee:
But I missed!

Conky:
But nobody misses like you do, Pee-wee.

Chairry:
What style. What flair.

Randy:
What a lotta hooey. Psst! Hey, Pee-wee, come here.

[Pee-wee walks up to him]

Randy:
Lemme straighten you out. Can't you see what's goin' on? Why do you think everyone's bein' so nice to ya?

Pee-wee:
'Cause they like me.

Randy:
Ah, wise up, Pee-wee. Put two and two together. Everybody's bein' nice to you, because they want you to take 'em to that dinner. That's the only reason.

Tito:
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, puppets, machines, and everyone else, big and little...

[everyone else screams]

Tito:
Prepare to be stupid.

Voice backstage:
Stupefied!

Tito:
Oh, yeah. Prepare to be stupefied. For the first time anywhere, presenting the Amazing Pee-wee!

[Pee-wee enters, appearing to be levitating]

Pee-wee:
I love levitating.

Pee-wee:
And now, for my next trick,... [rolls up his sleeves] Nothin' up here. Nothin' up here. [points at his head] And nothin' up here.

Pee-wee:
What do cowboys eat?

Cowboy Curtis:
Let's see. Uh,... Rattlesnakes, horn toads, cactus, armadillo, gophers, prairie dogs.

Pee-wee:
[grossed out] If I was a cowboy, I'd never eat.

Cowboy Curtis:
I's just funnin' ya, Pee-wee. It's a cowboy joke.

Pee-wee:
Oh. [laughs] Cowboy joke.

Knucklehead:
Knock-knock!

Pee-wee:
Who's there?

Knucklehead:
Boo!

Pee-wee:
Boo who?

Knucklehead:
I'll tell ya if ya stop cryin'! [laughs]

Jambi:
Hey, I got a genie joke for you. How many genies does it take to cross the road?

Pee-wee:
I don't know.

Jambi:
4. One to ride in the box, one to push the box, one to watch for traffic, and one to wish he was on the other side! [laughs] "Wish he was on the other..." [notices Pee-wee's confused look] Guess you had to be there.

[Pee-wee tosses Pterri's toy out the window]

Mr. Kite:
Interception!

[he catches the toy; Pterri flies up to him]

Pterri:
Hey! That's my toy!

Mr. Kite:
Not anymore.

Pterri:
You have no business with that toy. Give it back.

Mr. Kite:
No. It's mine.

Pterri:
Pee-wee! Pee-wee!

Pee-wee:
Yeah, what is it?!

Pterri:
Mr. Kite won't give me back my toy.

Pee-wee:
Mr. Kite, give Pterri back his toy!

Pterri:
See?! Pee-wee said you have to give me back my toy!

Mr. Kite:
[tosses Pterri's toy back to him] Baby.

Pterri:
[catches his toy] I am not a baby. Pee-wee, Mr. Kite called me a baby.

Pee-wee:
All right, Pterri. Get in here.

[Pterri flies back inside]

Pterri:
Why do I have to come in? Mr. Kite doesn't have to come in.

Mr. Kite:
Baby.

Captain Carl:
[looks at his bill] $2 for a peanut butter sandwich?!

Pee-wee:
And jelly.

Fish:
Hey, Miss Yvonne, let's play something.

Miss Yvonne:
Yes! Let's!

Globey:
Let's play Army.

Miss Yvonne:
No. The last time I played Army, I got hurt.

Pee-wee:
I know! Let's play Headhunters.

Jambi:
No! I'm not playing Headhunters again!

[Dixie enters the playhouse while Pee-wee is hanging from the ceiling upside-down]

Dixie:
Pee-wee? Pee-wee! Pee-wee.

Pee-wee:
Hi, Dixie! I can see your bald spot.

Dixie:
[sarcastically] Whoops.

[Mrs. Steve barges into the playhouse]

Mrs. Steve:
Pee-wee, lock the doors. Shut the windows. Hide!

Pee-wee:
What is it, Mrs. Steve?!

Mrs. Steve:
There's a monster on the loose.

Pee-wee:
[screams] A monster! [screams again, then suddenly stops] Wait a minute. I don't believe in monsters.

Mrs. Steve:
Look!

[everyone else screams]

Mrs. Steve:
Is it the monster?

Pee-wee:
No. You said the secret word, Mrs. Steve.

Mrs. Steve:
I'm telling you, I saw a monster. It had a big round eye and two mouths. It was horrible! I have to go warn the other people in the neighborhood! [exits]

[Dixie enters and combs the playhouse]

Dixie:
Announcing his highness, the King of Cartoons!

King:
Oh, no, Dixie. I'm too afraid to get outta the cab.

Dixie:
It's okay, your highness! I checked out the playhouse. The coast is clear. There's no monsters in here.

[the king nervously enters the playhouse]

King:
You sure there's no monster in here?

Chairry:
See, Pee-wee? The king is afraid of monsters, too.

Pee-wee:
Did you see a monster?

King:
Oh, no, but I heard all about it from Mrs. Steve.

Pee-wee:
Oh, that Mrs. Steve's got everybody scared. There's no such thing as monsters!

Dixie:
Ya can't be too sure.

Pee-wee:
Chairry, you're all damp!

Chairry:
I was out in the pool. Tito's teachin' me to float.

Tito:
Yeah. Chairry's doin' real good.

[everyone else screams]

Jambi:
One pair of cowboy boots, coming up. What size?

Cowboy Curtis:
Size 12, double-E.

Pee-wee:
Boy, big feet.

Cowboy Curtis:
Well, ya know what they say.

Pee-wee:
No. What?

Cowboy Curtis:
For big feet, big boots!

Pee-wee:
Randy, did you steal Mrs. Steve's apples?

Randy:
No. I didn't steal 'em.

Mrs. Steve:
You did so. I saw you with my own two eyes.

Randy:
Did not.

Mrs. Steve:
Did so.

Randy:
Did not.

Mrs. Steve:
Did so.

Randy:
Did not.

Mrs. Steve:
Did so!

[Pee-wee screams to silence them]

Pee-wee:
[extracts apple cores from beneath the bed] Randy, if you didn't steal Mrs. Steve's apples, then what are these?!

Randy:
I didn't steal 'em. I just sorta took 'em. Besides, what's the big deal? They were just some crummy crabapples.

Pee-wee:
Those "crummy crabapples" belonged to Mrs. Steve. You shouldn't steal stuff that doesn't belong to you.

Mrs. Steve:
That's right! I demand an apology from you, young man.

Randy:
Eh...

Pee-wee:
Go on, Randy. Say you're sorry.

Randy:
All right. I'm sorry.

Mrs. Steve:
Sorry isn't going to put those apples back on my tree. I want you to promise me you'll never do that again.

Randy:
I promise, Mrs. Steve. I had no idea that taking your delicious apples was going to upset you so. I'm awfully sorry. Can you ever find it in your heart to forgive me? Please?

Mrs. Steve:
Well, I suppose I can forgive you this one time. But if it ever happens again, I'm calling the police, and you go to prison with all the other apple stealers. [casually] Thank you, Pee-wee. [exits]

Randy:
[snickers] I had my fingers crossed.

[Pee-wee gazes into the fish tank and presses his face against the glass]

Fish 1:
Hey, Pee-wee!

Fish 2:
Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer.

[both fish laugh]

[Rusty shows Pee-wee his drawing, which appears to be blank]

Pee-wee:
Rusty, you didn't draw anything.

Rusty:
Yes, I did. I drew you in a snowstorm! [laughs]

[Rusty pokes his fingers into the fish tank]

Fish 2:
Hey! No fishing!

Fish 1:
Boy. This is one of those days I wish I was a piranha.

[both fish laugh]

Captain Carl:
Hey. Can I get you guys somethin'... to drink?! [laughs raucously]

Fish 1:
Wise guy.

Fish 2:
That joke's so old, it has algae on it.

Jambi:
Hey, Pee-wee, what about me? Where's my present?

Pee-wee:
Your present's from me, Jambi. I'm giving you my wish!

Jambi:
Thanks, Pee-wee! And I know just what to wish for.

[he conjures up a second box that appears in Pee-wee's hands]

Jambi:
Open says me!

[the other box opens, revealing a female genie]

Female genie:
Two heads are better than one.

Jambi:
You can say that again.

Female genie:
Two heads are better than one!

[both genies laugh]