Press Gang, Series Five

Colin:
One minute, it’s all nice and normal and then suddenly everything’s dead! It’s like that school zoo trip all over again…

Lynda:
Okay - it's like this. There's a tribe living by a river, and in the river there are crocodiles. The tribe has one particular piece of wisdom passed down through the generations. It goes like this: if you happen to meet a crocodile, don't stick your head in its mouth. Every now and then - and who knows the reason - people ignore this advice. Which is sad. Because they die. But very stupid because they were warned. They had a choice. The moral of this story is - you can't afford to be stupid. There are crocodiles.

[Frazz is trying to explain why the Gazette team lost the football match to Lynda]

Frazz:
Tell me something, Lynda. Given that we were already twenty-one goals behind, given that we were two players down because you personally sent them off for being consistently late on deadlines. Given those things, don't you think it was an unusual tactic to suddenly score against your own side and concuss your team captain?

Lynda:
Well, it had the benefit of surprise.

Lynda:
If someone's in my toilet, I want to know what they're doing!

Spike:
She has a passion for detail.

Julie:
You're late!

Lynda:
You're fired! I win.

Lynda:
Julie, about your taste in men...

Julie:
Yeah?

Lynda:
Get some!

Spike:
Why has it taken me this long to realise you are just as big a monster as you seem to be?

Frazz:
If you explain just one thing. Why do you insist on constantly scoring against us? I mean, five times in one match!

Lynda:
It was personal. Spike and I are fighting and you had him in goal.

Frazz:
Colin, can I make one general point about the game of football?

Colin:
Hey, coach, shoot! I do still regard myself as a beginner.

Frazz:
No matter how badly your team are doing, you are not - under any circumstances - allowed to change sides!

Lynda:
Have you had a look at the world lately? Just how dumb do you think it is safe to be around here? There's plenty of stuff going on that kills you and you don't get warned at all. So sticking your head in a crocodile you were told about is not calculated to get my sympathy.

Lynda [to Spike]:
Too late, you said you loved me. And you've now said that eight times more than me, so I'm definitely winning in this relationship!