Press Gang, Series Two

Lynda [picking up the phone]:
Shut up, Kenny!

Lynda [on the phone]:
Kenny, what choice have we got?

Kenny:
How did you know it was me?

Lynda:
Save the print run. We've got till seven. How did you know I was here?

Lynda (on Sam):
"She's arrogant, self opinionated and impossible to deal with. Who does she think she is?

Kenny:
You?

Colin:
Can you imagine it? For two hours the audience sat and watched a box with a spotlight on it. Not many came back after the interval. At the end there were just these four drama students who gave it a standing ovation and asked me to join their drama group. Kenny, have you any idea how humiliating it is to take your escape artist home in a box?

Sam [to Spike]:
It's amazing how you're still a jerk under pressure.

Sam:
Are you okay, Kenny?

Kenny:
I told you, didn’t I? It’s Jenny. She dumped me.

Sam:
Yeah, but that was this morning, wasn’t it? Kenny, everyone gets dumped. Even I’ve been dumped. Once. I think. Actually, what did happen to him? I think I might just have forgotten I had him. It’s terrible when you lose track of one, isn’t it?

Colin:
Suzy, I caught one of your matches the other day and I was impressed. Just a little word of advice though, show your legs more.

Kenny:
Look, can we discuss your proposed spending plan for the graphics department quarterly target allocation?

Sam:
What does that word mean?

Kenny:
Which one?

Sam:
Any one.

Kenny:
Graphic Department spending proposals. An HB pencil and a sunbed?

Sam:
Well, I can explain the pencil.

Sam:
Kenny, I need a sunbed. I need a skin tint that goes with my hair colour.

Kenny:
And you think that's a justified office purchase, do you?

Sam:
Yeah, of course, it's justified. If I don't stay gorgeous what are the guys round here going to think about at night?

Kenny:
I'm sure they'll manage to think about someone else.

Sam:
Exactly.

Kenny:
Well, we'll compromise, then. How about a hole in the roof?

Sam:
So, how are you feeling?

Kenny:
You know how it is. No, I'm fine, really. I just have this occasional tendency to drop to my knees, beat the ground with my fists and sob hysterically. Mum has to tether me up the garden at night so I can howl at the moon, but basically, I'm still the warm, lovable human being as I ever was. Except I can't speak to brunettes without attempting to strangle them.

Sam:
Hey, there are other girls in the world.

Kenny:
"Yeah? That's what everyone says, but I don't believe them."

Lynda:
How could anyone be madly in love with you?

Spike:
I don't know. But then again, I'm the only person in this conversation who isn't.

Lynda:
No, I am.

Mr Sullivan [on the conundrum of Lynda's woodcarving]:
Well, it's obvious isn't it? A freak worm hole has opened up in the fabric of the space-time continuum. This seemingly insignificant woodcarving has been sucked back in time ten years to the bedroom of the infant Lynda Day. But what awesome celestial forces are behind this strange phenomenon? And what, Lynda, is their evil purpose? We shall have to act quickly to save the entire Universe!"

Lynda [aged 6, on Kenny]:
He followed me. He always follows me.

Lynda:
I'm telling you, Kenny, Spike has absolutely no effect on me whatsoever.

Spike:
Hey Lynda, is it okay if I borrow your pencil?

Lynda:
Will you stop making stupid suggestive remarks!

Sam:
But you're the perfect one to do it, Kenny. You've got that steel in you, Kenny.

Kenny:
I see. So, you think that if you can perch on my desk, cross your legs, flatter me, ruffle my hair, that I'm going to fire Claire Pearson?

Sam:
I haven't ruffled your hair.

Kenny:
See, you're not even trying, are you?

Sam:
Nice line, Kenny.

Sam:
I'm beginning to think there are hidden depths in you.

Kenny:
I've got depths like you wouldn't believe. I just don't spend much time there.

Kenny:
I'm going in there now, and if you hear screaming, you know what to do?

Sam:
Calm you down and get you a glass of water?

Kenny:
No, watch and weep.

Sam [as he leaves, to Kate]:
Flatter 'em, doubt 'em, challenge 'em. Never fails.

Colin:
Do you want to buy a sucker gun?

Spike:
What are those for, shooting your customers?

Spike:
I remember when Lynda used to need two for a conversation.

Sam:
I don't.

Kenny:
The thing about Lynda is, Sam, she's not half as hard as wants you to think.

Kelly/Dublin Girl [on the phone to Kenny]:
Are you a nice guy?

Kenny:
Me, nice? You’re talking to world champion nice here. I’m so nice I get socks for Christmas – and I like it. I’m so sweet and lovable cuddly toys sneer at me.

Kelly:
Then I guess you’ll never get dumped.

Lynda:
Of course - your dear old aunt in Sherrington. What is it this time? Ill? Dead? Tell me, how do you justify being off work at her funeral on no less than eight separate occasions?

Kenny:
She is my aunt!

Lynda:
Kenny - this woman has died a total of eight times!

Kenny:
How do you think I feel?

Sam:
That's not what lasting relationships are based on. I should know - I've had hundreds of them.

Sarah:
I've just met the most wonderful guy in the world, and my life is over!

Spike:
I'm a great kisser, Lynda. Seventeen years, and never dribbled.

Lynda:
I expect you practice a lot on your own.

Spike:
Absolutely. I have this pair of rubber lips.

Lynda:
I can see that.

Lynda:
Is that a joke about my height?

Spike:
I wouldn't stoop so low.

Spike:
Actually, I'm six foot three. I've just been standing in a hole since I was seven.

Lynda:
Yes, I've often thought of you that way.

Spike:
You're very pretty when you're angry. Of course, I've never seen you any other way. Maybe you're angry when you're pretty.

Spike:
I was cracking those jokes at myself. You just stood in front of me.

Lynda:
Can we for once just be two normal people?

Spike:
I can be two normal people if you can.

Lynda:
So just don't get up to any crazy stuff.

Spike:
When have I ever done that?

Lynda:
The school dance.

Spike:
Apart from that.

Lynda:
The sixth year social.

Spike:
And the sixth year social.

Lynda:
The fifth year social, the fourth year social...

Spike:
Apart from those...

Lynda:
Sarah's birthday party, Julie's birthday party, Kevin's birthday party... The school sports day, the staff/pupil social...

Spike:
I don't remember the staff/pupil social.

Lynda:
That's part of the problem.

Spike [to Lynda]:
For the record, you're the last person in the world I would ever let down. I thought you'd have worked that out by now.

Spike:
The school dance, the sixth year social, Sarah's birthday party, Kevin's birthday party, Julie's birthday party...

Lynda:
What about them?

Spike:
You were never there. I figured there was a reason.

Lynda:
I don't do conversation! Anything I say comes out like an order. I say 'hello' and people salute.

Lynda:
Why do you have to keep following me?

Spike:
Mostly, the view.

Colin:
So. You saw through my disguise.

Spike:
A tablecloth with a headband round it? No, I just took a lucky guess!

Lynda:
You know, when I was fourteen I pretended I was ill at my own birthday party. Kenny came up to my room and we played chess all evening.

Spike:
Good old Kenny.

Lynda:
He won three games in a row, and I threw him out.

Spike [hearing a glass break behind him]:
Don't look at me. That wasn't my heart!

Spike:
Colin, Lynda's here tonight. It's very important for her to make a good impression, and it's not going to look too good if her financial advisor is here dressed as an Arabian knight trying to sell oil fields under the high school!

Lynda:
I think you're getting the wrong idea about this kiss.

Spike:
I'm not, Lynda, honest. It's just a kiss between friends, right? A thank you kiss. It doesn't mean a thing - I know that.

Lynda:
I knew you were getting the wrong idea.

Lynda [to Spike, on the window ledge]:
Spike, this is stupid. You could have an accident.

Spike:
I'll be okay.

Lynda:
You don't know what I have in mind.

Spike:
Lynda, going out together usually involves - and this may surprise you - going out together. Like dates and stuff. Like maybe even seeing one another occasionally. I know, it was in Biology.

Spike:
I mean, what have I got out of this so far? I'll tell you, Lynda! Five lousy kisses! I counted.

Lynda:
Is that why I felt your lips move? What do you mean, lousy kisses?

Spike:
I mean forgetting to take the pencil out of your mouth first. That loses you points, Lynda. Of course, you gain a few for helping me get it out of my nose afterwards. And washing all the blood off my shirt. And the walls.

Colin:
Height?

Benjamin:
Four foot two, not counting my head.

Malcolm Bullivant:
I'm not staying. But I've got to kill someone before I go.

Kenny:
I see, yes - must be a tough habit to break. Listen, couldn't you just skip today's murder and do two tomorrow?

Lynda:
Got a minute?

Kenny:
Actually, no. There's someone here to kill Colin.

Lynda:
Well, I'm sure he can manage it without you.

Colin [on his sister]:
She's always got chocolate. We have to keep feeding her sweets so she won't eat the furniture.

Colin:
So, you didn't think your black belt in judo was worth mentioning?

Benjamin:
Well, I thought people would be more interested in the train-spotting angle.

Colin:
So, who hates me enough to want me battered senseless by Malcolm the shaving gorilla?

Frazz:
Shall I get the list?

Tiddler:
Colin, what does a rabbit mean to you?

Colin:
A four-pack of lucky feet.

Colin:
I don't deal in animals unless they're freeze-dried in cellophane.

Lynda [feeding her goldfish]:
Come on, eat your food, Sullivan. You won't grow up to be a shark if you don't eat your food.

[Chrissie wants to know what's going on at the Junior Gazette]

Sam:
Well, Spike and Lynda are pretending they're not going out with each other, and we're pretending we don't know.

Kenny:
I haven't had so much fun since she sprained her arm in Primary Five.

Chrissie:
Explain something to me, Kenny. You two are supposed to be the best of friends. How come you enjoyed her spraining her arm?

Kenny:
We are the best of friends. She was trying to push me out of a window at the time."

Mrs Day:
She didn't push you out of the window, did she?

Spike:
No. I jumped.

Mrs Day:
I know how you feel...

Frazz:
In love? With Attila the Skirt?

Spike:
You got it!

Frazz:
Tell me one thing, Spike. Does she kiss with her teeth?

Spike:
That's a painful subject.

Lynda:
One thing I've always wondered about you, Graham. When you wake up in the morning, how do you tell?

Sam:
Hi, Spike! How's the latest brunette?

Spike:
Sam, she's not just my latest brunette.

Sam:
I didn't mean your latest brunette, Spike - I meant hers. So, how are you, Spike?

Colin:
No, I mean straight! Really! Look, I know how I sound. I open my mouth, and it's a hustle! I can't help that. But this is not for me. Just this once I'm not pulling something.

Miss McGuigan:
Colin thinks there might be a radioactive lizard in the filing cabinet.

Mr Sullivan:
Again?

Colin:
Can I talk to you seriously for a moment?

Mr Sullivan:
I very much doubt it.

Lynda:
Colin, I want the books. And I don't want to hear how they've been eaten by your cat, or how they were stolen by a roving band of deranged accountants, or how the recent stock market collapse in New Guinea has rendered the figures meaningless in a very real sense. I want the books now!

Colin:
I'm no use. You know what I am? I'm a pink rabbit at a funeral. I'm a radioactive lizard in a filing cabinet. I'm the guy who tried to market the inflatable telephone for the poolside executive. My own mother doesn't believe a word I say without three independent witnesses and a death threat.

Lynda:
I was just going up these stairs.

Colin:
Right.

Lynda:
No particular reason.

Colin:
You said.

Lynda:
Well, I'll just go up them, then.

Spike [arriving]:
I was just going up these stairs. No particular reason or anything.

Lynda:
Me neither.

Spike:
Is that right?

Lynda:
What a coincidence?

Spike:
It's just amazing!

Colin:
Look, would you both mind? You're both very cute and everything, I mean if you're selling the film rights to this little romance, I'm in, but just at the moment I really don't want to listen to it.

Colin:
Of all the people I thought would notice...

Lynda:
I'm the last?

Colin:
And of all the people I thought would care...

Lynda:
I'm not sure I do care - I don't know what your problem is yet. But I do know it's serious.

Colin:
And how do you know that?

Lynda:
Because you live for what you do. You live to hustle, right?

Colin:
Well, sure. So?

Lynda:
It's like you live for your work. Like there's nothing outside of that. No social life, nothing. And, of course, there's your appalling dress sense.

Colin:
What's appalling dress sense got to do with it?

Lynda:
I'm trying to think of everything we have in common. The point I'm making is this. I know how an obsessive behaves. Because I am one. And I know how much it takes to knock an obsessive off the tracks because I've been there.

Lynda [to Colin]:
You're right, you're a salesman - the best salesman I've ever met. So sell!

Lynda [on the phone]:
I want you in at five, as well, okay?

Kenny:
Couldn't I come in any earlier? I hate having a proper night's sleep. I start getting used to it.

Lynda:
Okay, half-past four.

Sarah [on Colin]:
He's actually quite intelligent, isn't he?

Lynda:
It's just a phase.

Lynda [to Colin]:
I just wanted to say. You're an immoral, dishonest, tasteless little hustler - but you're okay.

Lynda :
I've had my day off now. Can I come in?

Kenny:
It's still the morning.

Lynda :
I got up early.

Kenny:
Look, Lynda, make the effort. Relax.

Lynda :
Have Spike wrapped and delivered. I'm bored.

Sam [to Kenny]:
So, boss, how's power? Still talking to the little people?

Kenny:
Yeah, sure. By the way, who are you?

Tiddler:
Why does everyone always ignore me?

Spike:
Who said that?

Sarah:
Can you explain to me how I have just argued myself into doing exactly what you wanted me to do in the first place? You are a devious, unfeeling, calculating, manipulative bitch.

Lynda :
Well you were asking what made me a better choice for editor.

Colin [dressed as an alien]:
Kenny. Can we talk?

Kenny :
You know, I’ve always wondered what planet you were on.

Kenny:
I'm not going to let you go to pieces while there is nothing to go to pieces about.

Lynda:
So what are you saying, I should go in there and edit a newspaper?

Kenny:
Put it this way, what would Spike want you to do?

Lynda:
The usual. Wear tighter clothes and show more cleavage.

Kenny:
Well, are you going to give into that kind of rubbish?

Lynda:
If you weren’t such a perfect friend, I could like you better. And, by the way, I don’t mean that.

Kenny:
Oh, I’ll get over it. You’re only calling me perfect because you’re mad at me.

Kenny:
We'll need a lot of ten pences.

Lynda [handing him the swear box]:
Didn't anyone ever tell you money is dirty word?

Kenny:
Why did I ever doubt you, boss?

Spike:
[on Lynda] She has a temper as short as her skirt.

Kenny:
Lynda, I really don't think this is a good idea.

Lynda:
When I say you're in charge, you're in charge, Kenny!

Lynda:
Do we have to involve the entire newsroom in any little fight we have?

Spike:
I don't know. Shall we take a vote?

Sam:
[asking for extra concessions] And how about Lynda Day strung up by her ankles?

Kenny:
No problem. I believe it's how she sleeps.

Kenny:
What are you doing in my wardrobe?

Colin:
Well your mum said I could wait in your room.

Kenny:
I don't think she meant in my wardrobe.

Colin:
Would it have killed her to be a little more specific?

Kenny [on his music]:
I'm warning you, Colin. This is the one thing in my life that doesn't get dragged through Lynda Day's newsroom and it's staying that way!

Lynda:
Kenny, can you go and shout at Graham for me?

Kenny:
Any particular reason?

Lynda:
Yes, but I forget. Better keep it general.

Lynda:
Tell Sarah the lead article is completely lousy, and if she doesn't have it up to scratch by seven tonight, I'll burn her house down.

Kenny:
Lynda, is there something you want to tell me about?

Kenny [on being slapped in the face by an unknown woman]:
Normally beautiful women just ignore me. I see I'm entering a new stage.

Colin:
Let's do lunch!

Colin [on the phone]:
Sure you're calm enough, Kenny?

Kenny:
Colin, it's me. I invented calm. I only have a pulse at weekends. Where is lunch?

Colin:
You don't sound calm.

Kenny:
It's a voice exercise. I have to talk through my teeth and imagine I'm kicking puppies.

Kenny:
Colin, I know that you arranged for Frazz to tape me in my wardrobe, so I would guess that you also arranged for the most beautiful woman I've ever seen to walk into my life and slap me in the face.

Colin:
Yeah, sorry about that, kid.

Kenny:
No problem. Actually, that's what it was kind of like with me and Jenny, only she took longer on the backswing. But one question does spring to mind: why?

Colin:
Kenny, where do you see yourself in ten years time?

Kenny:
Being nice to people in a new and older age group, being dumped by all my girlfriends for being too boringly nice, and never getting further through a sentence than 'But Lynda...'

Kenny:
Colin, you are almost worth knowing for moments like these.

Colin:
There's a real world out there.

Kenny:
Yeah, and you ought to try it some time.

Kenny:
In your world, Colin, what colour is the sky? Do the trees talk to you?

Kenny:
Colin, try and understand this. I'm not agreeing. There's absolutely no way on this earth I'm ever going to be a rock star. Okay?

Lynda:
You know, you're the one thing in my life I can always rely on. Whatever happens you're always there. There are never any surprises with you, Kenny.

Kenny:
I don’t have a secret life.

Colin:
You do now.

[Voiceover from credits]:

Sam:
I was just wondering if you were a bit nervous about all this rock star thing.

Kenny:
Well, a bit, I suppose, but don't tell anyone. I'm trying to hide it.

Sam:
From that point of view, don't you think it would be a good idea if you came out from under the desk?

Kenny:
"Tomorrow, definitely.

Sam:
Can I give you a word of advice about being a rock star?

Kenny:
“You’ve talked me out of it.

Sam:
I’m not trying to. Kenny, rock stars are kind of, well, mean. What you’ve got to do is less of the cute, and more of the mean. I want you to find the mean part of yourself, Kenny.

Kenny:
I lied to my Mum once… I told her I’d had a school lunch when I’d given my dinner money to Help the Aged.

Kenny:
Lynda wants me there [at the presentation]. What sort of guy would I be if I went off and played at being a rock star?

Sam:
I think you should give a lot of consideration to that.

Spike:
I hear the singing's great. I hear the song's great. All you need is a little personality. Kenny, I'm here to teach you personality.

Spike:
You want me to find Kenny for you?

Colin:
You know where he is?

Spike:
I could guess who he's with. Next best thing.

Mr Sullivan:
That's the thing about teaching. Sometimes they actually learn.

Spike:
Is Kenny ever wrong about anything?

Lynda:
I know someone who says they saw it happen but I think they were just talking big.

Kenny:
Thanks.

Lynda:
For what?

Kenny:
I don't know. Everything.

Lynda:
I'm not responsible for everything. I just make it look that way.

Lynda [to Kenny]:
You going to be okay?

Spike:
Okay? He’s going to be better than okay. He’s going to be like me, only with niceness, and in tune.

Kenny:
Do you think I can really do this?

Lynda:
Kenny Phillips can do anything he wants to.

Mr Sullivan:
Lynda, you're not at school any more. You don't have to call me 'sir'.

Lynda:
I know. Sir.