Psych, Season 2

Lassiter:
You missed something. We found prints.

Shawn:
Was he in a little red corvette?

Gus:
Under a cherry moon?

Lassiter:
FINGER-prints!

Nigel St. Nigel:
I feel like I have been incarcerated in a blueberry. This car makes me want to weep and then die.

Lassiter:
I'm gonna crack her like a bad back!

Chief Vick:
Please don't.

Nigel St. Nigel:
[arriving at Henry's house] Good Lord! Who lives here, the Boringtons?

Shawn:
There's a better than decent chance this goes poorly.

Nigel St. Nigel:
I feel like an angel baby swaddled in a cocoon of cloud candy.

Nigel St. Nigel:
Nose hair trimmer. Invest.

Henry:
Can you even remember what it felt like to be able to move the muscles in your face?

Nigel St. Nigel:
Who decorated this place? Kris Kristofferson?

Henry:
I built that table.

Nigel St. Nigel:
Really? I'm pretty sure if I were to build a table, I would start by using wood that had never drifted.

Henry:
Alright. You know... that's it.

Nigel St. Nigel:
Already? I'm just getting started. I've got a sonnet for each piece of fish paraphernalia.

Henry:
Oh, yeah? Well, I've got an ice-cold can of whoop-ass just sitting in that fridge!

Shawn:
Actually, it's diet whoop-ass.

Shawn:
I'm Shawn Spenstar and this is my partner, Gus "T.T" Showbiz.

Gus:
The extra T is for extra talent.

Juliet:
Well, I did go to cheerleader camp for two weeks. I got kicked out.

Gus:
Kicked out?

Juliet:
Yeah, it's a long story. Suffice to say I don't like liars who steal nail polish and then pass out when you slap them a little bit on the back of the head.

Shawn:
You're mad.

Gus:
I'm not mad; I'm happy, I'm thrilled. I love looking like an idiot.

Shawn:
That explains your shoes.

Shawn:
Don't panic. Those bites are consistent with a T-Rex bite.

Gus:
You know that?

Shawn:
Yes, I know that. [shows picture of himself in the mouth of a T-Rex skeleton] I was canned from the Wyoming National Museum for that shot. The bruises didn't go away for a year, but it was totally worth it. It was my best screensaver ever!

Shawn:
I can play six degrees of dinosaur with you right now... You've never been in a movie with Kevin Bacon or a dilophosaurus, have you?

Gus:
How about you play six degrees of kiss my ass?

Shawn:
First of all, that sounds like a totally disturbing game.

Juliet:
Detective Lassiter is literally on fire.

Shawn:
Michael Jackson in the Pepsi commercial fire, or misusing the word "literally" fire?

Henry Spencer:
Shawn, I've been worried about you since you turned three and started eating your own toenails.

Shawn:
Is she still mad about me requisitioning the Segway?

Juliet:
You did that?

Shawn:
No...

Shawn:
Where'd you get that suit, the toilet store?

Shawn:
Gus, don't be a giant snapping turtle.

Shawn:
Well, look who's on board and acting like a whacked wombat!

Shawn:
[sees Lassiter and Chief Vick outside] Aw, man! He really is on fire! Literally.

Shawn:
Ah! Gus! That thing is brighter than the sun! I think you just gave me glaucoma!

Gus:
You can't give someone glaucoma, Shawn.

Shawn:
Doodles are the windows to the soul, Gus.

Shawn:
Zippy the dinosaur! Discovered by paleo-sleuth Shawn Spencer!

Lindsay Leiken:
That's ridiculous.

Shawn:
Is it? It's not like I'm wearing a giant moose costume.

Shawn:
I've heard of this. It's spontaneous psychic Krav Maga!

Chief Vick:
Lassiter, ease up. We're lucky if our psychic doesn't lick the body.

Agent Ewing:
If I had learned how to laugh as a child I would right now.

Shawn:
I'm getting more... like five hundred thousand, which could last a whole lifetime.

Linsay Leiken:
That's not possible.

Shawn:
It is if you live in one of the Baltic states.

Shawn:
[while making something in an Easy-Bake Oven] That depends. Are you a fan of delicious flavor?

Buzz McNab:
[obviously trying to avoid mentioning the fact that Gus is black, as the guy they're chasing after is black] Just so you know, Mauler barks at all cars, not just... blue ones.

Gus:
What are we looking for anyway?

Shawn:
Anything that points to criminal activity. You know... a white cloth sack with a green dollar sign. A red barrel labeled "TNT." An anvil. Anything.

Gus:
[picking up a rim] Check this out!

Shawn:
What, you have something? The point of those examples was to imply it wouldn't be so obvious.

Henry:
Stop trying to figure it out!

Shawn:
[jumping up and down] I can't help it!

Henry:
Shawn, don't you dare learn a wrong lesson while I'm trying to teach you a right lesson!

Gus:
I wrote the location down.

Shawn:
This says "In the middle of a field". Why did you have to write that down?

Gus:
The address is on the back.

Gus:
Are you crazy?!

Shawn:
I wouldn't say crazy... maybe an eccentric who looks good in jeans.

Shawn:
[about Juliet] She is an enigma wrapped in a little blonde riddle.

Juliet:
Shawn, how do you know this?

Shawn:
The same way that I know that as a child Lassie wanted nothing more than a pony.

[They all look at Lassiter]

Lassiter:
Oh, come on. Who didn't?

Gus:
Anyone who wasn't an 8 year-old girl.

Henry:
It's a good thing we wore our lucky shirts.

Shawn:
I'm just worried someone is going to stare directly at the pattern and have a seizure.

Shawn:
Don't you "ehh" me. I broke up a highly intricate race fixing syndicate while wearing a shirt designed by a monkey coming off a three day sugar binge.

Shawn:
I think your shirt and his shirt should get together and go bowling.

Shawn:
[about Henry's shirt] It's like a genocide of color... somewhere a rainbow is weeping.

Shawn:
[Shawn walks out Henry's front door while unwillingly wearing one of Henry's ugly shirts, then comes back a few seconds later] A little girl outside just started crying when she saw this shirt.

Henry:
Oh, Shawn, what have I told you a thousand times before?

Young Shawn:
Don't hide Gus in the pantry?

Henry:
That lies always lead to more lies. Now, go to your room.

Young Shawn:
I don't know where that is.

Henry:
SHAWN!!!

Young Shawn:
Who's Shawn?

Chief Vick:
Is there something wrong with you, Mr. Spencer?

Lassiter:
You picked today to ask him that question?

Chef Antonio:
We just had a surprise inspection a few days ago. Is there something wrong?

Shawn:
Yes, you weren't surprised enough.

Japanese Chef:
You know what he called my miso? "Me so disappointed!"

Lassiter:
Where is the restaurant manager?

Shawn:
Probably inside managing the restaurant.

[Shawn taps his finger to his nose then points it towards Gus.]

Gus:
That's what killed... That's what killed HIS NOSE!!!

Uncle Burton:
What?

Gus:
Shawn, your horoscopes suck. Yours are all way too specific.

Shawn:
Maybe I wrote them with specific people in mind.

Juliet:
"Aries: Calcium is especially important to you right now, Mr.Salt-and-Pepper-Hair-with-a-Maroon-Car. There may also be a promotion in your future. Try walking backwards through doorways for good luck."

Henry:
"Sagittarius: Please return the BB gun you confiscated from your son in the second grade. P.S. You are a cranky-pants."

Young Shawn:
Okay, I'm going to take your pointy sad-faced guy for my horsey guy.

Henry:
[pointing to the knight] Stop! What is this piece called?

Young Shawn:
I call him Dwight!

Henry:
[pointing to the bishop] What is this one called?

Young Shawn:
B.A. Baracus.

Shawn:
It's a chance to go undercover in high school, a la 21 Jump Street? Obviously, I'm Johnny Depp; sadly, you can only pass for Holly Robinson.

Lassiter:
[after Shawns wipes makeup off of suspect's forehead] He's wearing makeup!

Student:
Is he gay?

Shawn:
No! ...Um, maybe. [pause] Look, I... I don't know.

Shawn:
[sees Lassiter and gasps] It's a miracle!

Gus:
Thank God you're alright!

Shawn:
We heard a cop named Lassie died. Jules, tell me you got the flowers.

Lassiter:
Lassie III was a retired police dog.

Gus:
From the obit, it's amazing what you two had in common: strong, dedicated, loyal.

Shawn:
Bouts with ringworm, expressive eyes, goes like this after he poops. [theatrically wipes his feet on the ground]

Shawn:
First the stick, then the carrot.

Gus:
You don't even know what that means.

Shawn:
Leave me alone.

Shawn:
Where do I get a juice box and does it come in grapalicious.

Shawn:
Do you realize what this means? She said Big and Top Secret! That's two of our favorite 80s movies!

Shawn:
I'd say that's pretty ridiculous. Not as ridiculous as Denise Richards playing a nuclear physicist named Christmas Jones in a Bond movie, but still.

Shawn:
Sweet black licorice!

Henry:
Well, that's a stupid house to rob.

Shawn:
Does anyone live up to your expectations? Maybe we should get the robber's phone number so you can call and tell him how disappointed you are.

Shawn:
Look, Jules, you've got to take your chi back, take it back! And that means doing something big, something risky. Something that will help you blow this case wide open. [gets down on one knee] Marry me, Juliet.

Lassiter:
Just so we're clear, [he holds his hand high] Cops are here. [he holds up his other hand, much further down] Bounty hunters are here. [he moves the first hand directly on top of the second] And psychics are here.

Gus:
Dude, we beat out bounty hunters!

Lassiter:
By a knuckle.

Shawn:
Where are orthodontists on this list?

Shawn:
[on the phone with Juliet] Admit it, you're a little turned on by the whole bounty hunter thing, aren't you? Come on, Shawn Spencer, Bounty Hunter. I mean, I know the psychic thing is sexy, I mean, that's a given; it's a sexy thing, but... Shawn Spencer, Bounty Hunter. It's hot. It's hot!

Shawn:
I like to call it very close talking.

Shawn:
Duck, it's Byrd!

[Lassiter's desk is covered with snow globes]

Lassiter:
I hate snow globes.

Shawn:
Huh. That's strange, because my psychic sense told me specifically that snow globes didn't give you nightmares of being trapped in a clear ball with snow that burned your skin off.

Lassiter:
Who keeps telling people I like snow globes?!

Shawn:
My name is Shwan. This is my partner, Scoony "U-Turn" Singleton

[Gus draws a uppercase "U" with his fingers]

Shawn:
We call that the Semi-Fuller's Treehouse Shortcut Ambush.

Shawn:
[annoyed] Your best man was a goat? Gus! I was supposed to be that goat!

Shawn:
Just call me the suck-stopper. No, wait. Don't ever call me that.

Mrs. Gafne:
I like my wine the same way I like my men. White, and hairy.

Shawn:
That doesn't make any sense. None whatsoever. But I can see where Mira gets her spunkiness!

Mira:
[to Gus] You are so sweet.

Shawn:
Yep, he's sweet, alright. His head is like a chocolate covered honeydew.

Gus:
Are you trying to tell me you went skydiving with a rabbi?

Gus:
You can't get Indian blood from working in a casino, Shawn.

Shawn:
Maybe you can't.

Security Guard:
How the hell did you two get in here? You're coming with me.

Gus:
I don't think so!

Shawn:
[flashing badge] BAM! Say it with me: VIS-I-TORS BAAAADGE!

Gus:
Do something. I dare you!

Security Guard:
I'll be watching you.

Shawn:
We'll be gettin' watched!

Shawn:
Dude! That rock is sprayed with arterial red!

Gus:
Maybe it's roadkill. Taste it.

Shawn:
Dude, what is up with that? Every time I cut myself you were like "taste it, lick it, it'll make it feel better."

Gus:
It will. Taste it.

Shawn:
IT'S NOT MY BLOOD!

Shawn:
Well, at least that gives us the "how". Now we just gotta figure out the "why", which reminds me, Gus, will you please get us those tickets for The Who?

Gus:
Where?

Old Lady:
[in a dance-ready pose with Gus, but standing still] Spin me! [neither moves] Marvelous!

Gus:
He was a Hollywood guy. Used to write on Blossom. Decided Spanish soap operas were a better reflection of the human condition.

Shawn:
Obviously, he didn't write the Blossom where she adopted a chimp and hit the road in an eighteen-wheeler.

Gamalobos:
She beat me up.

Gus:
I hardly think there's a woman capable of that!

Shawn:
Bea Arthur?

Gus:
I stand corrected.

Quintessa Gabriel:
When you're done upstairs, can you go in the garage and get my nail gun?

Shawn:
...QUE?

Gus:
[about Shawn's acting in the telenovela] Okay, don't take this the wrong way, but... I think it lacks some passion.

Shawn:
Passion...?

Gus:
Yes.

Shawn:
Do you have any idea how many pages we shot today? Eighty-three! And I'm getting by with the Spanish I learned from Charo on Love Boat.

[after his father Henry berates him for his evil deeds on the telenovela]

Shawn:
I'm Shawn. Those are things that my character, Chad, did. I play him on TV. It's Shawn. Shawny. Look into your boy's eyes: it's me, Papa. [puts his hand on Henry's shoulder]

Henry Spencer:
[pushes Shawn's hand away] Don't be an idiot. I'm not one of your fans. I barely even like you.

Young Gus:
I don't need you and your misplaced prepositions!

Shawn:
My dad is a lying liar from Liarsburg!

Shawn:
Look, this is the lodge radar. And look! This is me, flying under it. Ca-Caw Ca-Caw! And look! This is Gus. He can't fly.

Gus:
Brazilian airport codes. How do you know that?

Shawn:
I lived in an airport for a month, Gus.

Gus:
That was Tom Hanks in The Terminal!

Shawn:
Same difference.

Shawn:
My God! Did you see who that was?

Gus:
It's hard to see anything with someone's knee in your eye!

Shawn:
It's your own knee!

Lassiter:
I'd rather shower with a bear.

Gus:
Do not get up there and start winging it! That's not how we operate.

Shawn:
Dude, where have you been for the last two years?

Henry:
Should I take her to Crab Shack Willy's or The Third Wharf?

Shawn:
Those can't possibly be real places.

Shawn:
Let's crash a funeral.

Shawn:
You said it was important. [surveying Henry's tight black turtleneck] Clearly, you're about to shoot an Old Spice commercial.

Security Guard:
I'm sorry. I can't let you guys in.

Shawn:
We're on the VIP list. Perhaps you recognize us as the modeling team Black and Tan.

Security Guard:
Last names?

Shawn:
No last names. One of us is Black and one of us is Tan. Just check the list.

Security Guard:
Wow. It's really you. Right this way, Tan.

Shawn:
Excuse me? I'm Black. He's Tan. I can't believe you just made that assumption. You should be ashamed of yourself and your family.

Shawn:
Remember Dad, you treat a woman like a person, then a princess, then a Greek goddess, then a person again.

Shawn:
Queen Nerfertitty.

Juliet:
Nefertiti.

Shawn:
I've heard it both ways.

Gus:
Paleo-Sleuth Shawn Spencer?

Shawn:
I know.

Gus:
I dug that thing up too!

Shawn:
Gus, believe me, I was appalled by myself for A SECOND, really, but then I noticed, look, they didn't forget you completely!

Gus:
Where?

Shawn:
There! Right there! At the "photo by" section.

Gus:
That is "photo by BRUTON GASTER"!

Shawn:
Well, I gave the info when I was driving through a tunnel so that probably played a role.

Gus:
You can talk all you want, but facts and logic will win out this time.

Shawn:
Facts and logic are in the corner of the guy who thinks he's going to get his face melted off?

Henry:
I've been leaving messages on your phone.

Shawn:
Yeah, I sort of dropped my phone.

Henry:
Well, what'd I tell you about taking care of your stuff?

Shawn:
You know what, you're right. First my tricycle out in the yard, now this-- I see a pattern developing here.

Shawn:
Dude, he took that van!

Film Girl:
The mummy?

Gus:
Great, now we got a mummy on the loose and the son of a bitch knows how to drive stick?

Shawn:
I don't think anyone's here.

Gus:
How sure are you?

Shawn:
Fairly to pretty damn.

Gus:
[mocking Shawn after his phone is muted] Look at me, look at me, I love my hair! I can make obscure '80s references that nobody understands. Laugh at me, ha ha ha! Hey, know something about me? I have a motorcycle, but I never seem to be riding it!

Shockley:
We made notes for you. Bullet points you might wanna try to hit. Don't show any fear.

Goddard:
Don't split any infinitives.

Shockley:
Don't dangle your participles.

Gus:
At least not in public.

Henry:
Nannies are criminally underpaid.

Shawn:
Right, 'cause our children are our most precious resources.

Henry:
Because children are maddening hellions. A great nanny can make all the difference in the world.

Shawn:
The Christmas spirits told me to give this to you.

Buzz:
Oh my goodness, a Daisy Red Ryder! I had one of these when I was a kid. It was the reason I wanted to become a policeman.

Shawn:
Well, Merry Christmas, from me and Gus.

Buzz:
Thanks, guys.

Gus:
He's gonna shoot his eye out.

Shawn:
Yes he is.

Gus:
That was amazing. How did you know that?

Shawn:
Uh, the room where I take naps shares a vent with the room where they do the psychological evals. Lassie!

Lassiter:
I-I hate snow globes.

Shawn:
Well, that's strange. My psychic senses told me specifically that snow globes didn't give you nightmares about being trapped in a clear ball with snow that burns your skin off. Merry Christmas from me and Gus! [turns to Juliet] Mr. Mittens says it felt just like going to sleep and he doesn't hold it against you at all. Kitty heaven? It's just like East Beach.

Juliet:
That is the best news ever.

Gus:
Merry Christmas, from both Shawn and--

Shawn:
Whoa, whoa, this is a very special gift that's clearly just from me. Don't appropriate. Not at Christmastime.

...

Lassiter:
Alright! Who keeps telling people I want snow globes for Christmas?!

Shawn:
We went almost three hours without having an argument.

Henry:
It's our best holiday in years.

Shawn:
Ah, Mr. Mitchell.

Mr. Mitchell:
Yes.

Shawn:
My name is Shawn Spencer--

Mr. Mitchell:
I'm not interested in any fake vacation packages, I'm not giving you my social security number so I can gain the grand prize, and I'm not paying for any damn subscriptions for magazines that I know I'll never see! [slams door closed]

Shawn:
I am the head psychic of the Santa Barabara Police Department!

Mr. Mitchell:
[door opens again] Oh. Come on in, then!

Henry:
What the hell are you guys doing here.

Gus:
This is the part where you get blindsided with Plan B. It's kinda fun when it's not happening to me!

Shawn:
What is wrong with this flag?

Gus:
Everything.

Shawn:
Besides that.

Gus:
The sign says "Do not touch", Shawn.

Shawn:
[while taking off the sign] Not anymore!