Pushing Daisies, Season One

Ned:
You can't touch me.

Chuck:
So a kiss is out of the question?

Ned:
I just lost my train of thought.

Chuck:
You can't just touch someone's life and just be done with it.

Ned:
Yes I can. That's how I roll.

Emerson:
You know what? We all have childhood issues. Okay? Believe me. I got the full subscription, okay? Horror stories.

Ned:
I kind of killed her dad when I was ten.

Emerson:
Maybe not horror stories.

Ned:
She doesn't know. But I wanted to make it better or different than what it was, because what it was was her dead and I didn't want that to be my fault too.

Emerson:
Well, who died instead?

Ned:
[shows Emerson an obituary for the funeral director] It's a random proximity thing.

Emerson:
Bitch! I was in proximity.

Emerson:
The fact that he was a very, very bad man makes you feel better about what you did?

Ned:
Yes. Immensely. I would have felt horrible if it was... you, for example.

Emerson:
[smacks Ned on the head with rolled up newspaper.]

Ned:
I'm not proud!

Emerson:
You know, I'm glad you did it. Makes the worst thing I did seem insignificant.

Ned:
Listen to you, all judgey-judge.

Deedee:
Hey, Charlotte!

Chuck:
Hey, Deedee.

Deedee:
Now, how'd I know you'd be the first person I'd see when I got to...? Is this...? Which one is this?

Chuck:
This is neither. Well, maybe it's both, but, listen, this is the deal: you get to talk for, like, a minute, we're gonna catch up, and then you're not talking anymore.

Deedee:
Does everyone get to do this? 'Cause, girl, we gotta break it down.

Chuck:
Did you know I was gonna get killed?

Deedee:
I thought there might be the possibility, yes. I'm real sorry about that. I probably should've said something. But to be honest, and really, why not, at this point, if it were safe, I would've done it myself. God, this is fantastic! Being honest is fun!

Narrator:
One mile to the west, Emerson Cod was also not thrilled. During times of stress or anxiety, he liked to knit. Since the arrival of the dead girl who was not dead, he found the stockinette stitch relaxing.

Chuck:
[regarding Emerson] Is he upset you brought your childhood sweetheart back to life?

Ned:
He barely knows you're here.

Narrator:
In fact, Emerson had finished knitting a sweater vest and two handgun cozies in the week since Chuck's return.

Emerson:
I'm not God, but if I was, I'd be an angry God.

Emerson:
If I'd wanted to hang out with geeks in leotards, I would've stayed in art school.

Narrator:
As Olive considered how much she loved Digby for paying attention to her when the pie-maker would not, Digby considered how much he loved salt.

Olive:
This is a pie shop, not a herbal crack den.

Emerson:
Lookit here... You need a ticket to ride this ride, and if your ticket gets punched then you gotta take somebody else's ticket.

Ned:
Why are you still talking?!

Emerson:
I'm ripping off the band-aid!

Ned:
I'm not a ripper. I pull up a corner a little at a time and then I run it under warm water and I pull it a little bit more. It's a process!

Emerson:
Let 'er rip.

Aunt Vivian:
Pies for breakfast always remind me of Mother.

Aunt Lily:
Vermouth always reminds me of Mother.

Ned:
You framed someone for murder you ASS!

[Ned has brought back funeral director Lawrence to apologize]

Chuck:
[noticing a pocket watch on Lawrence's body] Hey, I had one just like that.

Lawrence:
Yeah, your dead body was buried with it.

Chuck You stole that off my dead body?

Lawrence:
Well, your dead body wasn't doing anything with it.

[Chuck closes the casket; Ned tries to open it but can't]

Emerson:
Oh, you better be playing.

Ned:
[checks his watch] 12 seconds.

Emerson:
Oh, hell no! [runs out of the funeral home making the Sign of the Cross]

Ned:
[stares at a squirrel waiting for it to die, when a dead bird falls from the sky] It's raining dead birds.

Emerson:
Just because there's vodka in my freezer doesn't mean I have to drink it. Wait... yes it does.

Ned:
I can't catch her, Emerson.

Emerson:
Can't suck on her toes, neither. Some women like that.

Emerson:
[takes Ned aside] What is the rate of exchange on the life of a bird? 'Cause if it's equal to or greater than mine, I need to get back to my car.

Olive:
Its a miracle bird. Its swimming in miracles, not diseases.

Emerson:
Check please.

Olive:
[slams two large wads of cash down on Emerson's table]

Emerson:
Or cash. Cash is good. [grabs money, puts it on his lap]

Olive:
I want to hire you. Technically, I already have, since you were so grabby with the cash.

Emerson:
Think of it as an escrow between my thighs.

Ned:
Is this a bad idea? Olive as a client? It's a little too close for comfort.

Emerson:
[sarcastically] Oh, hang on a second, let me ask the money. [makes his hand a telephone] Hey money, it's me, Emerson. [Ned rolls his eyes] I'm good, I'm good. Yeah, thanks for asking. Say, can I still pay my bills and buy stuff with you, even though you was Olive's money first? Uh huh.

Ned:
Wait.

Emerson:
[laughs] Yeah, okay then. Thanks. [laughs again] The money don't care. Touch him.

Emerson:
I love you, shovel.

Ned:
Where'd you get this pie?

Aunt Lily:
We thought you were having them delivered. Comes every week.

Aunt Vivian:
I don't know how we survived without it: it's like a sex addiction! [beat] I would imagine.

Chuck:
I don't know, but hurry up and open if before he comes back! What if he changes when his blood sugar level drops?

Olive:
Maybe like a hypoglycemic werewolf!

Emerson:
That girl dropped a bomb in your subconcious with her saliva.

Emerson:
Some women love like gangstas. They be like "Ooh baby, you bleedin'! How dat happen?" While dey hidin' the razor in their weave.

Emerson:
Dreams are just your brain processing random rigmarole it couldn't find a place for: it don't mean nothin'. Except you feel guilty about kissing Olive when you want to be kissing some dead girl you can't.

Ned:
The police wrestled little Hallie Hundin to the ground and she's small: it was like a lion taking down a baby zebra.

Chuck:
And we were awful tourists sitting safe in our camouflaged SUV watching the injustice.

Ned:
You're the only one for me.

Chuck:
I know you feel that now, but there are things you want. There're things we both want.

Ned:
So? Everyone wants stuff, we wake up every day with list of wishes a mile long and maybe we spend our lives trying to make those wishes come true, but just because we want them doesn't mean we need them to be happy.

Chuck:
What do you need to be happy?

Ned:
You.

Emerson:
Death by scratch and sniff. What the hell happened to people shooting each other with guns?

[Olive holds up a glass of water]

Olive:
Look carefully ladies, this is your future.

Lily:
Is it vodka?

Olive:
Water.

Lily:
Hm. As in Russian for vodka?

Emerson:
Your book was a bomb.

Napolean Le Nez:
[Outraged] Who are you to criticise my life's work?!

Emerson:
[Holds up evidence bag containing burnt shreds of book] Your book. Was a bomb? It exploded?

Olive:
We're not at that stage in our friendship yet. Please don't cry in front of me.

Oscar Virbenius:
Nothing sells books like a little murder and mayhem.

Vivian:
It used to make you so happy, the water. I think it's brave to try to be happy. You've gotten so comfortable being unhappy. Wouldn't it be wonderful to wake up in the morning and choose to be happy, to let the water wash everything away?

Chuck:
Follow the yellow thick hose!

Ned:
Follow the yellow thick hose?

Emerson:
The truth ain't like puppies, a bunch of them running around, you pick your favorite. One truth and it has come a knockin'.

Alfredo:
If I loved you... Then I would love you in any way I could, and if we could not touch, then I would draw strength from your beauty... And if I went blind, I would fill my soul with the sound of your voice and the contents of your thoughts until the last spark of my love for you lit the shabby darkness of my dying mind...

Narrator:
The pie-maker considered how not telling Chuck the truth about her father was a lot like being locked in a prison. Then he considered how being locked in a prison was actually much worse than some silly metaphor about truth.

Narrator:
Sometimes a crime of passion is not realizing the passion in time. While other times the crime is not seeing the world as it is. But most crimes of passion are actually a crime.

Olive:
Wouldn't it just be rock 'n roll if liking someone meant they had to like you back? 'Course that would be a different universe and something else would probably suck.

Olive and Chuck:
Don't mess with the pie hoes.

Olive Snook:
Boy it's cold. [laughs] You know, you could use a witch's bosom as a hot water bottle on a day like today.

Ned:
Any sign of Chuck?

Olive:
[imitating Ned] And how are you today, Olive? I'm fine, thanks for asking, Ned! [imitating Ned] That was a funny joke about the witch's bosom, Olive. Well thanks, Ned! [imitating Ned] And, and I appreciate you using the word bosom. Why, Ned? Because it's less offensive than other words? [imitating Ned] No, I just simply like the word bosom. I say it to myself all the time. Bosom bosom bosom. I just can't help myself. I'm a bosomoholic.

I'm fine, thanks for asking, Ned!

[imitating Ned] That was a funny joke about the witch's bosom, Olive.

Well thanks, Ned!

[imitating Ned] And, and I appreciate you using the word bosom.

Why, Ned? Because it's less offensive than other words?

[imitating Ned] No, I just simply like the word bosom. I say it to myself all the time. Bosom bosom bosom. I just can't help myself. I'm a bosomoholic.

Ned:
Are you done?

Olive:
Think so.

Ned:
We were talking about phantom limbs and I blurted it out; it was like word vomit.

Emerson:
Then you slipped on that word vomit and fell on your ass and now you all covered in word vomit.

[Ned walks into Olive's apartment, where Chuck has been hiding from Ned]

Ned:
Been looking.

Chuck:
Been hiding.

Ned:
How much does Olive know?

Chuck:
Don't worry about what Olive knows. Even if I told her the truth, that I died and you brought me back to life, she wouldn't believe me.

Ned:
You don't know that.

Chuck:
Yes I do, because I told her and she wouldn't believe me.

Narrator:
As Madeline McLean prepared to grant one last deadly desire, Bobo the bonobo monkey had a wish of its own, to play with the ball on a stick called the shifter. And so, its wish was granted... as was the wish of Madeline McLean, for though her sanity was torn asunder by a boy named Abner Newsome, and her body was torn apart by a bonobo named Bobo, her heart was still intact, which allowed her to grant one final wish, and that was for Abner Newsome to have a change of heart... Madeline McLean's heart.

[Lily hallucinates after eating a pie with an overdose of anti-depressants.]

Lily Charles:
When Charlotte was young, after we moved in, she used to stand right, right there, where you're floating, and watch the snow with me. At night, while she slept, I'd sneak into the backyard and make two snow angels. She never said anything, and I'd always play dumb. She thought they were her parents. One was her father, and the other one was me.

Olive Snook:
You?

Lily:
I'm Charlotte's mother.

Ned:
Candy might be sweet, but it's a traveling carnival blowing through town. Pie is home. People always come home.