Queer Duck

Mr. Duckstein:
So son, when are you going to get yourself a girlfriend and give us some grandchildren?

Queer Duck:
Well, gee, dad I guess I haven't found the right girl.

Openly Gator:
[Under his breath] Yeah... one with a penis.

Mr. Duckstein:
What was that?

Queer Duck:
Mother? Father? ...I'm gay!

Queer Duck:
[Asking him if he'll come out to his parents.] What about you, Bi-Polar Bear?

Bi-Polar Bear:
I already told my father, he was totally shocked... and so was his boyfriend! [Laughs]

[After Queer Duck turns off the porno]

Little Lucky:
Hey! I was watching that!

Openly Gator:
[Handing him a drink] Here! [Little Lucky drinks it]

Little Lucky:
Why did you turn it off? I'm gonna---[Passes out]

Queer Duck:
[To Openly Gator] Did you give my nephew a roofie?

Openly Gator:
...Half!

Openly Gator:
The whole party's coming back to me! This place was wall-to-wall cock! [Sees Little Lucky] coke! We were doing coke...a-cola. We drank Coca Cola and Mountain Dew and Doctor Poppers--eh Pepper!

Queer Duck:
Go back to bed.

Openly Gator:
Good idea...

Little Lucky:
Who was that?

Queer Duck:
The boogeyman.

Gay Dog:
I've slept with seven men in my... in my li... in my.. li

Queer Duck:
In your lunch break?

Gay Dog:
In my life!

Queer Duck:
And you call yourself a homosexual?!? Please!

Gay Dog:
I'm a recovering homosexual!

Homosexual Re-Progamer:
[Talking to Queer Duck and gay animals.] I want you to stop obsessing over other men and start obsessing over Jesus!

Queer Duck:
You mean that shirtless guy with the nice abs?

Homosexual Re-Programer:
That's him!

[Queer Duck makes a prank phone call to Dr. Laura's show and the group shares high fives]

Queer Duck:
Openly Gator!

Openly Gator:
Christ! I nearly wet myself!

Queer Duck:
Bipolar Bear!

Bipolar Bear:
I nearly wet him too! [laughs]

Queer Duck:
Oscar Wildcat!

Oscar Wildcat:
I haven't seen such urbane gay wit since they canceled Gomer Pyle!

Queer Duck:
If it's a crime to love Barbara Streisand, then lock me up! [Queer Duck appears in a prison cell] Seventy-five years without parole? Oh, my gay stars!

[Wolf whistle]

Prisoner:
You sure got a pretty beak!

Queer Duck:
[Impersonating BS] Why hello gorgeous!

[Waiting in a long line for Barbara Streisand tickets.]

Queer Duck:
Come on, come on, let's get moving!

Gator:
This is like a gay-pride pirade in slow motion.

Bi-Polar Bear:
Welcome to homos in slow-mo. [laughs then pauses] I'll be quiet.

Wildcat:
You do that.

Openly Gator:
[seeing his nose twisted by the weights] I'm a freak!

Queer Duck:
No! You look cute with your little... turned up nose.

[Queer Duck is giving the Minotaur a massage and he seems to be enjoying it]

Minotaur:
Man, you should teach this to my wife!

Queer Duck:
You're wife?!? [applies a pressure hold and makes the Minotaur pass out]

Queer Duck:
Bipolar Bear, will you pound the organ?

Bipolar Bear:
Ya betcher booty! But first I'll play some music! [laughs]

Queer Duck:
Its like a convent in here! Hundreds of Marys all dressed in black!

Queer Duck:
I, Adam Seymour Duckstein take you, Steven Arlo as my one and only. Unless you're out of town, or we have a really big fight, or when its one part of a man's body coming through a hole in the wall... [hours pass, the sun sets] ...and it doesn't count as cheating if its a threesome, or that really cute delivery boy! Uhm... amen?

Openly Gator:
[emotionally] Oh, Queer Duck! You really do love me!

[In the midst a plane crash.]

Openly Gator:
Queer Duck, if we survive this plane crash, will you marry me?

Queer Duck:
Ah, we're not going to survive this are we?

Openly Gator:
No.

Queer Duck:
Then sure!

Openly Gator:
For the last time, Charlton Heston was not gay!

Queer Duck:
Oh, please! He wore a skirt in every picture he was in!

Bipolar Bear:
I heard the original title of Ben Hur was Ben Gay! [Laughs]

Ku Klux Klan Member:
Are you doing something Queer in there?

Queer Duck:
Yeah, your son is giving me a lap dance.

Oscar Wildcat:
[Attempting to disguise his voice] I was just wondering how much rat poison it would take to kill an old lady. I've already added a lot, and so far she just seems to like that taste!

[Bipolar Bear is told by the aliens they will just drop him off]

Bipolar Bear:
What? No anal probe?

Alien:
We... don't really do that.

Bipolar Bear:
Come on! You're not going to give me the anal probe? I'm missing Rosie for this!

Alien:
Very well... prepare the... anal probulator...

Alien 1:
We can take a more pleasing form [Transforms into a Barbara Eden-esque woman]

Bipolar Bear:
You are way off!

Alien 2:
You're gay, aren't you?

Alien 1:
Why are the good ones always gay?

Narrator:
So after a quick stop at the local rubber tree, Queer Duck and Openly Gator attended to the task at hand...

Queer Duck:
[Motioning to Bipolar Bear's butt] You first!

Openly Gator:
No, no. Age before beauty!

Openly Gator:
That was so embarrassing, you got us kicked out of Wiener Dog.

Queer Duck:
I just assumed it was a gay bar.

Openly Gator:
You think everywhere is a gay bar.

Queer Duck:
Santa Claus is bi, my oh my!

Santa:
There's nothing that I won't try!

Openly Gator:
So lets all cheer, 'cause Santa's queer!

All:
[Singing in Harmony] Santa Claus is gaaaaay!

Santa:
Queer Duck, you shouldn't say things about people if you don't know them!

Queer Duck:
So... you're not gay?

Santa:
I am all things to all people!

Queer Duck:
So you're bisexual?

Santa:
Ho ho ho! Exactly!

Bi-Polar Bear:
I love mardi gras, even though I don't know what it is.

Oscar Wildcat:
It's french for "Everybody's Gay."