Raising Hope, Season 2

[The Chances visit the doctor to learn more about Jimmy's talent and memory loss]

Jimmy:
...and I haven't been able to remember anything, and I haven't been able to play the piano or sing ever since.

Dr. Finklestein:
That's fascinating! Because when you guys walked in here, I thought for sure you were looking for oxycontin.

Virginia:
[to Jimmy after he realizes he used to know how to perform] Okay, fine... at one point in your life, you might have been a little... amazingly talented.

Sabrina:
I hate kissing in public.

Virginia:
[spraying perfume on a toy in order to trap a raccoon] Jennifer Aniston by Jennifer Aniston. No man can resist this. Except Brad Pitt.

Sabrina:
And John Mayer.

Virginia:
And Vince Vaughn.

Sabrina:
Bradley Cooper.

Virginia:
And that homeless looking guy from Counting Crows.

Burt:
[about Hope] You know, she's getting an attitude. Yesterday I told her not to touch the knobs on the stove she didn't use her fingers, but her eyes were flippin' me the bird.

Natalie:
We know how to use condoms, we put them on cucumbers in class.

Virginia:
First of all, putting them on cucumbers is just setting yourself up for a disappointment.

Sabrina:
Jimmy, you know I love your quirky family, but you nailing your great-grandmother is gonna be a real deal-breaker.

Sabrina:
I cut myself off. I'd would rather live like crap on money that I earned myself than live like a princess on money that somebody else gave me.

[The Chances burst out laughing]

Burt:
That is the dumbest thing I ever heard.

Virginia:
Money you don't have to work for is the best kind.

Burt:
It's like getting paid for not having a job. It's the best kind of job not to have.

Jimmy:
Oh, my God, you think you're better than them.

Sabrina:
That's-that's Not what I'm s--Okay, the thing is, is that what--Oh, come on, you got to give me Frank; I'm better than Frank.

Jimmy:
No, you're not. You're smarter and less creepy than Frank, but Frank is better at not feeling superior to people.

Virginia:
That's the reason your father's always hated cauliflower.

Jimmy:
No, I thought it was because it's not a real flower and it looks like brains.

Virginia:
Fine, he has a lot of good reasons to hate cauliflower.

Jack:
Look, we're both straight. We're just two straight guys kissing, thinking about girls.

Burt:
How about this? How about you go find a girl?

Jack:
Dude, we live in an RV. We eat leftovers out of hotel hallways. That's, I mean, there aren't going to be any girls.

Delilah:
We are sparing no expenses since my Air Force officer just got a big fat bonus for--well, I can't tell you why, but let's just say the Israelis are gonna get blamed for it.

Sabrina:
You gonna go? I didn't really think you were the Vegas type.

Jimmy:
That's because you only really know "Daddy" Jimmy. You don't know "sex in the back of my van with a serial killer" Jimmy. I used to be a wild man before this little ball-and-chain came and threw a wet blanket on my party fire.

Sabrina:
Oh.

Jimmy:
She is cute, though, isn't she? Oh, Daddy can't do nothing anymore now you came along, you little cutie patootie. [babbling baby talk]

Sabrina:
You need to party.

Shelly:
We don't care for Jeremy; he's a bit difficult.

Sabrina:
Jeremy's a fart face.

Virginia:
Eat your dinner before it melts.

Jimmy:
Popsicles and olives? Have we just given up?

[Jimmy and Sabrina are watching Frank serve a woman at the deli counter]

Sabrina:
"Yo, my parents named me Frank, 'cause they love tube-shaped meat."

Jimmy:
Let me do the lady. "I'll take a quarter pound of the chicken salad."

Sabrina:
But that's what she would probably say.

Jimmy:
I know. That's why I said it.

Sabrina:
Yeah, you don't get what we're doing, do you?

Virginia:
Burt, I will steal coins from a fountain, I'll even do clinical drug trials again, as long as I'm not the placebo; I don't like feeling tricked. But there is no amount of gold that's worth rummaging through that lady's butt custard.

Sabrina:
So I take it Burt's relationship with his parents is kind of estranged?

Virginia:
Oh, no, it's completely strange.

Sabrina:
Two malaprops in a row. God, I love this family.

Ralph:
Here you go, Brucie, a dollar for every "A." Keep getting grades like that, I'm going to have to get a second job.

Young Burt:
Hey, I got two "A's" on my report card.

Young Bruce:
You know what else has two "A's"? "Jackass."

Ralph:
(laughing) We don't mean to laugh, but your brother's very clever. "Jackass" does have two "A's" in it. In the spellin--there's two "A's" in the--Go play with your trucks.

Virginia:
What about a TV channel just for news? Wait - they'll have to fill up too many hours and resort to sensationalizing non-issues and stirring up partisan bickering. Scratch that idea. It sucks.

Jimmy:
I'm not gonna argue with her. That's what Wyatt does, and I'm gonna do the opposite.

Frank:
...The opposite of the guy she has sex with. Good strategy.

Burt:
You got to get your edge back, man.

Jimmy:
I haven't lost my edge.

Virginia:
[walks in carrying frilly hats] It was a windy day outside the black church, so I got a couple of good ones. I'll go make your virgin mint juleps. Our pretty little ponies are running in the Pretty Little Kentucky Derby later.

Jimmy:
Maybe I've lost a bit of my edge.

Burt:
Hey, Frank. You seen Jimmy?

Frank:
No. I haven't seen Jimmy. Jimmy who?

Burt:
Jimmy, my son. He went out with you last night.

Frank:
Nope.

Burt:
What's with the tarp and the shallow grave you're digging there?

Frank:
I may be putting in a pool. Or digging to China. What business is it of yours? I think you're the one who's shallow.

Burt:
Cards on the table, Frank: Did you kill my boy?

[Jimmy catches his friends in line to see a movie spoofing him and his family]

Jimmy:
Hey, what are you guys doing?! You promised me you weren't gonna see the movie!

Frank:
To be fair, we never thought you'd find out.

Barney:
Sorry, James. It looks funny. I did it for employee morale. Not yours, of course. If you were anyone but you, you'd understand.

Sabrina:
Guys, I got a purse full of licorice--Ooh! [holds up piece of licorice to her lip like a mustache, speaks in Italian accent] Mama mia! A-what-a Christmas is this! I got to go to make-a de pizza.

[Jimmy drives away angrily]

Sabrina:
You think he bought that?

[Jimmy is stuck in world where he never had Hope; Sabrina earlier propositioned him for money]

Sabrina:
What are you still doing here, dirtbag? You looking to rob the place? What are you looking at her for? You think she's prettier than me? Huh? Think these were a waste of money?

Jimmy:
No, no! They're worth every penny! Please, I need your help.

Sabrina:
Why would I help you?

Jimmy:
Because underneath that 30 pounds of perfectly molded silicone, I know there's the heart of a good person. God, I wish I had $20.

Jimmy:
Have you tried making a Checker-Bucket? It's where you put the checkers in, and let them take it out one at at a time. It's good for the slower kids. That's what my parents did for me.

Customer:
Oh, they must be very proud. Are you able to live on your own, sweetheart?

Jimmy:
[cheerfully] Not yet.

Customer:
Well, someday.

Mr. Swift:
"I don't know" is not an answer, Mr. Chance.

Jimmy:
It's Drakkar Noir. I hate this class. I want to live in a classless society.

Mr. Swift:
Okay, you're mixing up two different uses of the word "class."

Jimmy:
Man, why do you always have to correct everything when I talk?

Mr. Swift:
It's "when I speak," and it's my job.

Jimmy:
Well, correct this. I quit. I don't need high school. I'm gonna be a famous artist like Picasso or Ed Hardy or Vincent van - uh, van -

Mr. Swift:
Gogh.

Jimmy:
I'm going! God. Come on, Venom, we're out of here.

Venom:
Dude, did you not read the restraining order? Stop talking to me, and change your clothes. You're embarrassing an entire movement.

Jimmy:
Cool. I'll see you at the mall.

Burt:
No, no, no! How does a guy with one ball win a bicycle race three years in a row?! Oh, less drag! Less drag.

Frank:
Three years ago, Barney bet me I couldn't fit ten marshmallows in my mouth. Two weeks later, we were selling our blood for some action on women's bowling. Gambling is a harsh mistress.

Jimmy:
Did she sound snippy?

Frank:
Hard to tell. Everyone's snippy with me, I'm Frank.

[Jimmy and Sabrina are preparing to go to sleep]

Jimmy:
I'm going to grab an extra blanket, it gets pretty cold in here at night. There's a big hole in the wall. I usually stuff a sock in there, but I needed one yesterday, and...

[Turns back to see Sabrina has pulled a pair of pantyhose over her head]

Sabrina:
...We should probably talk about this.

Jimmy:
Okay. Are you robbing me?

[Jimmy has covered himself in tarantulas to help Sabrina get over her arachnophobia]

Jimmy:
Hey, how's it going!

Sabrina:
[shocked screaming]

Jimmy:
Okay, calm down, I'm all right, I'm not in any danger.

Sabrina:
[screaming incoherently]

Jimmy:
I did some research, and this is a way to overcome your fear!

Sabrina:
[panicked, terrified screaming]

Jimmy:
Once you realize that I'm okay...

Sabrina:
[continues to scream]

Jimmy:
...you'll see there's nothing to be afraid of.

Sabrina:
[continues to scream]

Virginia:
What in the world... [sees spiders, also begins to scream]

Jimmy:
Okay, if you guys could please stop screaming, I think you're starting to freak the spiders out a little bit.

[Sabrina walks into the kitchen]

Virginia:
Coffee?

Sabrina:
No thanks. Do you have tea?

[Everyone begins mocking Sabrina]

Burt:
[in British accent] Yes, we have tea, after we finish cleaning our chimneys!

Virginia:
[in British accent] What say we make some mugs of tea and drink them with our pinkies out, and then throw another shrimp on the barbie?

[Everyone laughs at Sabrina]

Sabrina:
I'm going to take this little skit to mean that you DON'T have tea.

Virginia:
Oh, we have tea. It's on the shelf behind the crackers and next to the beef boullion cubes.

Burt:
I forgot about those! Grab me one, they're like little meat-flavored hard candies.