Raising Hope, Season 3

Maw Maw:
And I'd like to live in it alone just once before I die! So hurry up and ask that long-haired pretty boy to marry you before the Republicans get back into office and make it a sin.

Sabrina:
[angrily] Maw Maw, I'm not telling you this again. I am a WOMAN.

Maw Maw:
And I'm not telling YOU this again. Show me your vagina, and I'll believe you.

Sabrina:
NO!

Maw Maw:
Burt showed me his!

[Everyone looks at Burt quizzically]

Burt:
I know that sounded like I have a vagina. Which I DON'T. ...I was peeing the other day, and... I'll explain later.

Sabrina:
So far, we have figured out which random household item will represent each one of us. And I still don't think it's funny that you made me the nutcracker.

Burt:
Oh, it's not what you think. It has nothing to do with that creepy vacant stare you do. We just chose that because you're always breaking Jimmy's balls.

[Sabrina glares at Burt; Burt recoils in fear]

Jimmy:
There's the stare...

Sabrina:
Jimmy...

Virginia:
And there's the crunch.

Sabrina:
Okay, does anybody actually have a plan??

[During a couples compatibility game]

Reverend Bob:
A meteor is heading to your house. What would your partner say was the one thing you would save? Burt?

Burt:
The world.

[Virginia flips over her card:
"The World"]

Reverend Bob:
Jimmy?

Jimmy:
I don't know. We use the toaster oven a lot.

[Sabrina flips over her card:
"Hope"]

Jimmy:
Oh, yeah, that's better. She's right on that one.

[In response to the question, "What did the men say is your most embarrassing secret?"]

Sabrina:
I'm afraid of spiders crawling in my ears, so sometimes I sleep with a panty-ho on my head.

[Jimmy flips over his card:
"Sits backwards on the toilet when she poops"]

Sabrina:
I enjoy reading, and sometimes it's easy to put the book on the the back of the toil--Okay, you know what, great. Now both these things are out there and we haven't even got one question right.

Waiter:
Excuse me, sir? I cannot let you eat Mr. Jenkins' pasta in special Alfredo sauce.

Burt:
Why not?

Waiter:
Because I am Alfredo.

Jimmy:
I'll walk the 1k. And you guys should be ashamed of yourselves. Barney's up here courageously admitting that he has a serious condition, and you guys are acting like children.

Barney:
Thank you, James. At least there's someone here that knows that ABS is nothing to joke about. We need to voice our support because silence can be deadly. The fight against ABS will get the push it deserves to finally make a big splash. Sufferers of this condition are tired of hiding like turtles in their shells. It's time for this turtle's head to poke out!

Jimmy:
Barney, you're not doing yourself any favors.

Barney:
Uh, Ricardo. Could you please stop pinching that loaf?

Jimmy:
Oh, come on. Seriously?

[Burt has dyed his hair and eyebrows shoe-polish black]

Burt:
Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo!

Virginia:
What the hell is up with your hair?

Burt:
Nothing. Just decided to touch it up a little, that's all.

Virginia:
Well, you look like one of those birds from that Juan Valdez oil spill.

Burt:
Oh, please. It's such a double-standard. How come you get to cheat to look younger? I've seen your drawer in the bathroom. It's one set of vampire fangs away from being a special effects studio.

Jimmy:
I think it's time we had an honest, heart-to-heart talk about something that we all feel is becoming a problem.

Sabrina:
Okay yes, sometimes I eat dirt! So what, Einstein ate dirt. Einstein! [Awkward silence] This... wasn't about the dirt, was it. [Awkward silence] Is this about how I count the number of words in every sentence; 13. [Awkward silence] You know what, Burt was right. I'll just listen.

Sabrina:
What if it's hereditary? What if I just don't have the parenting gene? [Burt pushes a potted plant towards Sabrina with his foot] Okay, it's called geophagy. I sense you have questions, go ahead.

Burt:
Do you have to wash your hands before you eat dirt? If it falls on the ground, is there a five-second rule? Have you ever tried sand? Is Mexican dirt spicy? If you swallow an apple seed, will you poop a tree?

Mike:
That's my worst fear; to be here one day and gone the next. Like I never even existed.

Maw Maw:
I've only got three things left on my bucket list, and I need to get into a fistfight.

Jimmy:
Maw Maw, I'm not gonna fight you. You're a million years old and you broke your pelvis falling off the roof of that car.

Maw Maw:
I'm sorry, what did you just say? I'm not fluent in wussy.

Sabrina:
I'll fight you.

Maw Maw:
You will?

Sabrina:
Oh, yeah. I've been wanting to punch you in the face ever since you told me I looked like Ralph Macchio in drag.

Maw Maw:
Let's do this.

Sabrina:
If you must know, my family has a little bit of a body hair issue. And believe me, this is nothing. I've got an aunt that looks like Borat.

Virginia:
You get weirder and weirder every week.

Sabrina:
All I want is a marriage like yours. One of the reasons I fell in love with Jimmy is the possibility of getting that.

Virginia:
That's why you fell in love with him? Because Burt and I have never been able to figure that one out.

[Virginia tries to secretly remove a bag from the refrigerator]

Burt:
What's that?

Virginia:
Uh, nothing. Just some boring girl stuff I bought for the bachelorette party.

Burt:
So boring you had to hide it in the vegetable crisper?

Virginia:
Okay, fine. It's a bag of penises.

Burt:
[Apprehensively] Whose are they, and why do they have to be kept crisp?

Jimmy:
[Finishing a Mad Lib during his bachelor party] Okay, that's the last word. So the story is: "I was 'bored' in my 'bored' hat and went to my 'boring' room, where I saw a 'bored' that was eating my giant 'this sucks'." I don't think that even makes sense.

Burt:
Just keep her away from us from now on, okay? I mean, no offense, but we're kind of done with the whole "Lucy coming back from the dead" thing. It's like, every year we think she's gone, and then she comes back in some crazy way, messes up our lives again. It's getting old.

Sabrina:
All right, Mom. That's it. Thank you so much for this incredible gift. We're gonna cherish it forever. I'm sure we're gonna watch it a million times. And, um, when we do, I want Jimmy to hear this last part. Jimmy, you always make it seem like you're lucky to have me as your wife, but I'm the lucky one. I'm lucky to have you and Hope and your entire family in my life, and sometimes I feel like I don't say that to you enough, but it's true. And when we watch this with our grandkids one day, I want them to know how much you mean to me. I love you.

[Blows kiss to camera and walks away; Burt jumps out from behind couch and attacks cameraman]

[Jimmy and Sabrina have dressed up in goth outfits to have sex just as the rest of the family walks back into the hotel room]

Virginia:
Dress-up sex on your honeymoon? You're leaving yourself nowhere to go on a rainy Thursday in year four.

Burt:
Jimmy, my instructions were "kiss, get undressed, then do it". Not "do it dressed like KISS"!

Sabrina:
Hey, guys, they just started serving breakfast downstairs. You might want to get down there quick before they run out of Danish. Jimmy and I will meet you down there in 15 or 20 minutes after we get ready. ...Alone. On our honeymoon.

Jimmy:
Oh, I don't know. Don't want to miss the Danish...

Sabrina:
[puts up a hand to stop him] You're gonna want to stick around.

Virginia:
Child stars go downhill no matter how good they act. They could star in a Spielberg movie and still end up playing the nutty mom on some sitcom.

Burt:
Which one of you is from NBC? [Executive raises hand; Burt kicks him in the groin] That's for canceling My Name is Earl!!

Sabrina:
Over the last few years, you have been more of a mother to me than my mother ever was. I want you to have this.

[Hands Virginia macaroni necklace]

Virginia:
I see what you're doing, and it's very sweet, but--

Sabrina:
What's my favorite color? What is it?

Virginia:
Orange.

Sabrina:
And you know that because?

Virginia:
Because, for your wedding, you and I spent two days driving to every supermarket in town buying all the orange flowers.

Sabrina:
And how did I chip my tooth?

Virginia:
You thought you could skateboard drunk on Cinco de Mayo. And you not only chipped your tooth, you sprained your ankle.

Sabrina:
And when did I start walking again?

Virginia:
Three days later on Ocho de Mayo.

Shelly:
So, your mother never called, huh?

Sabrina:
No.

Shelly:
I'm sorry.

Sabrina:
That's okay. I'm with my family.