Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Season 1

Mikey:
Ha! You must be this rad to ride that ride.

Donnie:
Well, based on our velocity and entry angle… I concur. We rad!

April:
You guys crushed it. Gimme 5! [All leap out to join her.] Or 3.

Raph:
Couldn’t have done it without you, April. Our girl with the plan.

Leo:
And keys to the roof.

Mikey:
Let’s go bungee dunk on the hoops at Rucker Park.

April:
Game on! Just one thing first. [tosses 2 warning signs on ground] "Wet floor" and "dry pool". Our work is done here. Donnie, can I hitch a ride?

Donnie:
No probbles.

Raph:
Really? That'll make us heroes? But it's only paper.

Leo:
It's only paper? [laughing] I'm so sorry. Donnie, what did he just say? Did he say it's only paper?

Donnie:
Yup.

Leo:
Did he say it's only paper?

Donnie:
Yes, he did.

Leo:
Okay! That's what they all say. You think the road to hero town is paved with real crime? No! It's paved with the tears of the poor paper man. And who helps that guy? I'll tell you who: We are who.

Raph:
What kind of weirdo steals paper?

Mikey:
A dreamer! You look at a blank sheet and see nothing. They look at it and see possibilities– [Raph elbows him in the side, causing him to fall over]

Donnie:
looking through his welding goggles] There's only one store they haven't hit yet, and it is right over there- Oh, convenient.

Raph:
How 'bout we go stealth and make 'em wish they stole toilet paper?

Leo:
[stealthily lands on the floor behind the bad guys with his brothers following suit] Okay, twerp and… [Foot Lieutenant turns around with a small gasp, Foot Brute looking super intimidating just by standing still] …Surprisingly big man. It's 4 against 2, so what say we call it a day, right?

Mikey:
Whoa! They got footprints on their faces!

Raph:
Uh, are those flames on their heads?

Donnie:
Feels like a real hazard for a paper thief. [smirks]

Raph:
Donnie, your gifts really brought out the best in us.

Leo:
I’m funnier!

Mikey:
I’m bouncier!

Raph:
And I’m smash-ier! Your gifts are the stuff!

Donnie:
But you were supposed to... Ah, forget it. You guys are great the way you are. Bring it in. Group hug.

Donatello:
"You are conversing with Donatello."

April:
"Dude, I need your help!"

Donatello:
"For you, anything. As long it does not involve bees, or spiders, or beach balls. Please not beach balls." (shakes his head slightly at the thought as the microwave bot crashes and explodes behind him)

April:
"Can you fix Albearto? He broke before singing "Happy Birthday!"."

Michelangelo:
"Maybe the bug-zapper button?"

Donatello:
"Really? There's a bug-zapper but- WHY DIDN'T YOU TRY THAT FIRST?!"

Michelangelo:
"It didn't have a 3000 after it!!"

Donatello:
(uses one of claw arms to write "3000" under the Bug-Zapper button in a red marker) "There, happy?!"

Michelangelo:
Why, thank you! (presses the button and effectively defeats the villain as our sci-fi loving dorks ride off into the sunset)

Donatello and Michelangelo:
"HARD AS NAILS!" (high-threes as a jaguar growl sound effect goes off to show their fierceness and a mission accomplished)

Mikey:
Omigosh! Omigosh! Omigosh! Splinter’s a zombie!

Donnie:
Mikeyyy, zombies are interested in other people’s brains…

Raph:
Rat flu. This is not a drill. I repeat, this is not a drill, boys.

Splinter:
I feel terrible. Do I look terrible? Be honest.

Raph:
You look great. Not horribly sick at all! …He’s horribly sick.

Donnie:
URANIUM! We should absolutely ask for uranium! I mean—if I could finally get my hands on a little of that, we would be virtually unstopp—

Mikey:
What about a brick oven for pizza?

Leo:
Who’s gonna clean that? What we should ask for is matching unicorn onesies. Those are sick! Pun intended, and I nailed it.

Raph:
Buckle up, boys. It’s about to get weird.

Donnie:
Uh. Leo’s infected. Quarantine him.

Leo:
Hey, you need me to get to the ‘Must Say Yes’ stage. We need to ask for the onesies—Whoa, it’s really hot. Is there a fire? There’s a fire here, right? The floor is made of lava?

Leo:
I’m gonna hug you ‘til a smile comes out!

Raph:
…ENOUGH! Raph’s got this because in big time moments, leaders make big time shots, and I’m big time.

Donnie:
He must say yeeesssss. Make him say yeeesss.

Mrs. Stockboy:
Baxter, are you in here? You were supposed to be home an hour ago! And what happened to the store?

Baxter Stockboy:
Oh, no, guys! It's my parents!

[He watches April, Mikey and Leo escape]

Leo:
Tell us if you got grounded in your next video, OK? (OK. Bye!)

Baxter Stockboy:
But sure to subscribe and donate?

[The lair is dark as the Turtles land on the floor. A dark silhouette of Splinter's chair appears behind them]

Leo:
Land safely!

Donnie:
Hey! What's Pops's chair doing here?

[Splinter turns on the lamp as the turtles cower and scream]

Splinter:
Where have you been?! I was worried! Didn't I ground you?!

[Leo high-fives him]

Leo:
Yeah! And you took away our weapons.

Raph:
We're really sorry!

[Raph drops Mikey]

Raph:
And we've learned a really important lesson on a big secret today, alright? We--

[Just as Raph is about to say something, Splinter cuts him off]

Splinter:
Me first. Being a single parent is… What I wanted to… I… I didn't mean to lose my temper earlier.

Splinter:
[after he and his son escaped the Foot Clan] Thank you, my sons. And I might add…

[He karate chops each of their foreheads]

Splinter:
You're all grounded!

All:
WHAT?!?!?!

Splinter:
For not telling me that you knew Draxum.

Leo:
Come on! What about all of your secrets?

[Splinter throws one of his shoes at him]

Splinter:
No! I will not ground me for my secrets! But I'll tell you everything. My sons, our destiny begins tomorrow. And we're way behind. Now someone carry me. I can hear my bones rattling.

[The Turtles carry Splinter away]

[On Cybersleuth, three images show the turtles]

"Cybersleuth":
Birthdays ruined. Parks destroyed. Museums vandalized. Tonight on Cybersleuth, I will reveal the culprits. Beware the Mutant Menace!

[Watching Cybersleuth on his tablet, Mikey looks shocked]

Mikey:
Mutant Menace?! Omigosh! They're talking about us!

Leo:
I can't believe we're getting blamed for this! Virtually, everything in there is somebody else's fault! I think.

Mikey:
This good deed is brought to you by the quote-unquote, Mutant Menace, winky face.

[The Turtles watch a news report after doing some "good deeds"]

News Anchor:
In local news, a team of heartless pranksters dubbed quote-unquote, Mutant Menace, evil winky face, are wrecking havoc across the city. We go live to unpaid E-reporter, Cybersleuth.

"Cybersleuth":
A fire rages. A canary flees for its life. A maltese is trapped in concrete. What do these tragedies have in common? The horrible villains called the Mutant Menace!

Raph:
What?! We called ourselves the Mutant Menace as a joke! That's why we used the "just kidding" quotes, and the "just kidding" winky face!

Leo:
Raph, you know I love you, but people don't focus on your punctuation when they're stuck in concrete.

Mikey:
There's something familiar about that disguised voice.

"Cybersleuth":
No doubt you're wondering who I am. I'm none other than…

["Cybersleuth" removes his mask and hoodie revealing Baxter Stockboy from the previous episode]

Stockboy:
Boy genius Baxter Stockboy!

Mikey:
What?!

Both:
Baxter Stockboy?

Leo:
I'm not looking forward to whatever that highly skilled underachiever has in store for us.

Stockboy:
Ha! Never fear, New York, I'll expose these monsters for what they are. I've been tracking them from the Stock 'n Shop blimp.

Raph:
He's tracking us?!

[Mikey and Donnie gaze at it]

Mikey:
Hey, we look like a giant turtle.

Donnie:
Yeah, everybody was saying "Go stealth, go stealth", but look at us. We are all kinds of bad.

Stockboy:
You, too, can track the Mutant Menace by accessing the Baxter Stockboy Live Stream! Available for a reasonable fee.

[One of the microbots bursts into the Turtle Tank and holograms a video chat to Stockboy]

Mikey:
Chello?

Raph:
Mikey, we don't "chello" our enemy.

Stockboy:
Oh, mutants! You know doubt have noticed my microbots are in control of your vehicle.

Leo:
What's your angle, Stockboy?

Stockboy:
Just watch this!

[Stockboy appears on each jumbotron in the city]

Stockboy:
New York, I'll deliver the Mutant Menace to the steps of City Hall in 5 minutes! Subscribe and donate to my livestream to witness the spectacle. Or see it in person if you dare. Premium tickets are for sale on my website. We accept cash, credit cards--

[Leo bats the bot away]

Leo:
What's with this kid? He's gonna expose us all over New York just for money?

[After the angry mob leaves City Hall]

Police Officer:
Baxter Stockboy, we're taking you in from unlicensed advertising, causing mass hysteria and driving a blimp without a learner's permit. Alright, take him to kid genius jail.

Stockboy:
[last words] Mark my words. This isn't the last you've heard of Baxter Stockboy!

Donnie:
Brethren, before you is my masterpiece, the culmination of my merit skills united in one glorious enterprise. Gentleman behold the-

Leo:
Is it the drill? Is it that you made when we were fighting those silverfish.

Donnie:
No. That’s still in beta.

Donnie:
But this is better. Much much better. I give you the...

Mikey:
Is it even cooler, even bigger drill?

Donnie:
No not a drill. This is a big surprise. Ta stinkin da!

Mikey:
Yay! A sewer tube full of nothing! I’m so proud of you.

Donnie:
What?Where did it go? I built an amazing vehicle out of the moon buggy? Who stole our Turtle Tank?

Donnie:
Okay, we should find the Tank if we just track the perimeter of the shopping cart protocol’s limit.

Mikey:
Whoa! Are we gonna need a protractor?

Donnie:
Literally never.

Mikey:
A bag full of sausages!?

Donnie:
Man, I don’t understand how your mind works. Hey look there the tank is.

Mikey:
Whoa Donnie nice work.

Raph:
She’s big and beautiful.

Leo:
We are gonna get a lot of parking tickets in that thing. Guys? What’s dad doing down there?

Donnie:
Oh I should have known he took it! You just can't trust adults these days. You leave the keys to your brainchild lying around and the next thing you know-

Raph:
Meat Sweats. Oh that’s bad news. Hey we gotta move or dad’ll be toast to spread on toast. Let's go.

Meat Sweats:
This clarified butter shampoo will make you feel scrumptious.

Splinter:
Yeah yeah yeah yeah. I have a great idea for a chain of restaurants. You’re inside a giant wedge of cheese. And you have to eat your way out. I call it TGI Parmesan. Mu sons thinks it’s stupid.

Meat Sweats:
Sons? What must they be chatty possums?

Meat Sweats:
Turtles? Red blue orange purple?

Splinter:
You know their names.

Meat sweats:
Yes. And they’re right outside and looking delicious.

Splinter:
What? We’ve got to bone out! They cannot find out I took the tank!

Meat sweats:
What are you doing, you dotty old sod?

Splinter:
You steer, I will pedal.

Raph:
They’re getting away.

Donnie:
Turtle tank time!

Meat Sweats:
You took the tank from your son? Well, I've done some awful things in my life. But you, you’re an animal.

Splinter:
I am not taking the fault for this.

Meat Sweats:
But what could he do to you?

Splinter:
Purple is a monster. He’ll fry my TV so I get is educated shows.

Donnie:
I know you're in there. Dad, I can see your tail..... Oh Papa. If you surrender now, there shan't be any consequences.

Splinter:
That is a lie, I taught him that one.

Raph:
You’re with a very dangerous mutant Pops. Meat Sweats just wants to eat you!

Splinter:
Your name is Meat Sweats?

Meat Sweats:
Well actually it's Rupert.

Splinter:
Oh, I would stay with Meat Sweats.

Mikey:
Power whip jitsu!

Leo:
Come on Meat Sweats, are you even trying? Come on portal come on..

Mikey:
Come on Leo! My armpits are getting tired,

Raph:
Let’s get em.

Meat Sweats:
So long dinner! I'll just get takeaway.I’m done with you TGI parmesan. No meal is worth this!

Splinter:
Wait! Wait! Don't leave me!

Splinter:
[chuckles nervously]

Donnie:
[enraged] You...you, reckless irresponsible. You are watching the science of chairs channel for a month young man! Followed by the Long Division Channel and the Memorizing Pi channel1 Spoiler alert, the 99th digit it

Woman:
Your costume it’s great! You’re the turtle potamus meme right?

Raph:
What meme? I mean yes meme. Yes, that meme. Which meme now? Yes! I’m that. There’s nothing else in the world I could possibly be.

Woman:
You’re the best and cleanest times square mascot I ever seen. Here’s my baby. He loves memes.

Raph:
Ma’am, you misplace your 5$ bill directly into my palm.

Leo:
Roll with if bud. She’s paying you for the picture. Keep working the crowd and maybe you can get back all of our money you lost.

Raph:
Allegedly lost.

Donnie:
Metamorphosis, that took an unexpected left turn!

Roach:
You thought you were the only mutants in New York?

Raph:
Look, all we wanted was a little money to buy our pops a gift.

Roach:
Boo hoo! Tell it to one of your teddy bears.

Raph:
Don’t you dare make fun of Dr. Huggenstein, Captain Snuggles or Cheech!

Mikey:
Let’s get our money back!

Donnie:
Spider shell engage!

Mikey:
You give robot vampire cockroaches a bad name! Cowabunga!

Donnie:
You’re ruining my childhood fantasy of the two of us fighting crime together in Uraniumvillie. You’ve left me no choice. But we’ll always have Times Square.

Leo:
The creeps got our money!

Raph:
Boom! Thank you times square!

Raph:
Go Ghostbear. He’s the greatest ever. He’s gonna win number 200 tonight!

Leo:
Buddy come on. You know wrestling is bogus, they always pull their punches. Even I could beat Ghostbear. I call this one the Three Star Hurricane. You think ghostbear could match these moves?

Donnie:
Oh here we go.

Raph:
You take that back Leo, No one beats Ghostbear.

Donnie:
You know what? That’s fine, you have it.

Leo:
I admit it Raph. Wrestling is moderately harder than I thought.

Raph:
And I admit Ghostbear is a cheap champ who needs to get beat.

Ghostbear:
Time for your final fall.

Raph:
Think again bozo. It’s prime time.

Jessica:
Feel the sting of the three star hurricane.

Jesica:
Three! And in another surprise twist the winner is me!

Raph:
What that’s not fair.

Leo:
But these out of left field twists make wrestling the best.

Minotaur:
That garbage that’s called pizza? Wait until you try mine!

Mikey:
This pizza good~

Minotaur:
Best you ever had?

Donnie:
Really appreciate you letting us go, it was the right thing to do.

Leo:
Who’s your champion guys? They’ll come around. First where do we go to get our picture taken for the wall of champions? Cause I wanna make sure they capture my good side.

Mikey:
Donnie I need an update.

Donnie:
Okay one more time. Baron Draxum created ooze and put it in carrier bugs that bite people and turn ‘em into mutants. And for some reason it’s up to us to stop the whole situation.

Mikey:
No I need an update for my phone.

Raph:
Focus! The new hotel is full of oozesquitoes. We’re suited up, so let’s get down to business!

Draxum:
My plan is coming to fruition. My bugs have hard work, turning humans into your kind.

Muninn:
Oozequitoes. That’s what those turtles called them.

Huginn:
It is so catchy.

Muninn:
I know It just rolls off the tongue.

Draxum:
Millions of people will be mutated. If I don’t get rid of the turtles, they’ll ruin everything. I must eliminate them myself.

Raph:
"Okay, Raph, you’re a little lost, a bit scared, and very alone. [He breathes heavily and then exhales, looking serene for half a second.] Time to panic! [He starts smashing things.] I’m alone and panicking, panicking, panicking, panicking! [He stops.] Oof, glad I kept that part under control. [He looks around at the extensive damage.] Whoopsie-daisy." [The sound of metal creaking makes him look over to a set of damaged pipes. Above them hangs a sign “Warning: Lower East Side Main Valve”. It bursts and water shoots out.]

Leo:
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You guys hear that?"

All:
"Aah! Oof! Ah!"

Donnie:
"Ow, my brain! Ow, my other brain!"

Raph:
"Huh, guys? Is that you? Where are you? Don’t lose it, Raph. Please."