Rome, Season Two

[Before Caesar's funeral.]

Antony:
I've never f***ed a woman in a funeral dress before.

Atia:
Nor shall you now.

Antony:
That's a shame. It'll have to be Merula then. [Atia's slave Merula stares in shock] Come here, old girl, jump on!

Atia:
She'd eat you alive!

Antony:
I'm not rising from bed until I f*** someone.

Atia:
Fine, fine. Merula, fetch that German slut from the kitchen. [turns to her other slaves] And get it right or you'll be next for the King of Goats there.

Mark Antony:
[indicates outside] Listen. Why so quiet? A tyrant is dead. Surely the people should be happy? Where is the cheering throng at your door? Where are the joyful cries of "Liberty"?

Servillia:
The people fear change. A sombre mood is only...natural.

Brutus:
When they realise they are free from tyranny, they will be glad.

Mark Antony:
[coldly] The people loved Caesar. And they will hate you for what you have done.

Mark Antony:
You boys play too rough for me. Knives in the Senate House? I didn't know you had it in you. No, I will serve out my term as consul and then return to the provinces, plough my fields and f*** my slaves like old Cincinnatus.

[Servillia joins with Cassius and Cicero in urging Brutus to murder Antony]

Brutus:
You too, mother?

[After Antony orders the murderers of Caesar from Rome]

Cassius:
You may wish as you will. We yet have all the Senate behind us and all the men of quality. [Furious, Antony storms over to Cassius]

Antony:
[almost berserk with rage] And I have an angry mob, that will roast and eat your 'men of quality' in the ashes of the Senate House!

Antony:
You're not saying that these men paid me to put their names on here.

Cicero:
Oh, no... I assume they paid Posca.

Vorenus:
I AM A SON OF HADES! I FUCK CONCORD IN HER ARSE!

Cicero:
Please continue with your threats; I would hate to submit to implication alone.

Clerk (holding up a scroll for all to see):
These being the words of Marcus Tullius Cicero: (reading) When I was a young man, I defended the State. As an old man, I shall not abandon it. I give sincere thanks to Mark Antony, who has generously presented me with the most promising theme imaginable. I address you directly, Antony. Please listen as if you... as if you...

Mark Antony:
Go on...

Clerk (shaken):
"...please listen, as if you were sober and intelligent, and not a drink-sodden, sex-addled wreck."

[Senators start leaving the Senate hall]

Clerk:
"You are certainly not without accomplishments: it is a rare man who can boast of becoming a bankrupt before even coming of age. You have brought upon us war, pestilence and destruction. You are Rome's Helen of Troy. But then... but then..."

Mark Antony (fuming):
Go on... GO ON!

Clerk:
"...a woman's role has always suited you best."

Cicero:
Oh, how I tire of young men and their ambitions.

[Following the Battle of Mutina]

Mark Anthony:
How many dead in total?

Centurion:
8,000 men, sir, give or take.

Posca:
8,000?!

Mark Anthony:
Oh, do cheer up! You're still alive, aren't you!?

Posca:
I do hope so; if this is the afterlife, it is extremely disappointing!

Vorenus:
These are my daughters, redeemed from slavery. The eldest has been prostituted, the boy is my wife's child by another man. You will treat them with the respect and kindness - or I will know the reason why.

[Following Octavian's proposal to name Brutus and Cassius enemies of the state]

Octavian:
My father died on this floor. Right there. Stabbed 27 times, butchered by men he called his friends. Who will tell me that is not murder? [Several soldiers enter the Senate hall as the Senators mutter angrily] Who will tell my legions, who love Caesar as I do, that that is not murder?! [the soldiers draw their swords. Silence falls] Who will speak against the motion?

Tyro:
Some willow tea, perhaps?

Cicero:
Henbane, more like. I've been outmanoeuvred by a child.

Mark Antony [Giving Agrippa instructions to pass to Vorenus and Pullo about the assassination of Cicero] Tell them to cut off his hands and nail them to the Senate door. I told the old fool I'd do it if he ever crossed me again. Nobody can possibly say that I don't keep my word.

Eirene:
[in tears] I'm preglant!

Titus Pullo:
What?

Eirene:
I'm preglant! Preglant!!

Titus Pullo:
[surprised, but delighted] What, pregnant?

Eirene:
Whatever you call it!

[Before the Battle of Philippi]

Brutus:
Heavens, I entirely forgot! Today's your birthday, isn't it?

Cassius:
Is it? I believe you're right.

Brutus:
[shakes his hand] Happy Birthday. Sorry there's no cake.

Cassius:
Next year, eh? You bake me an extra big one.

Brutus:
I shan't forget.

Cassius:
No cinnamon, it makes me sneeze.

[At Philippi]

Antony:
[To Octavian] Watch closely, boy. This is how history is made. Now, let's have some fun! [gives the order to advance]

Octavian:
What's happening? Do you know?

Antony:
No idea. On my command, forward!

Octavian:
Where are you going?

Antony:
When in doubt... ATTACK!

[The cavalry charges with Antony at their head. Agrippa looks after them longingly.]

Octavian:
Go.

Agrippa:
Thank you. (to troopers) You two, on me!

[Rides after Antony.]

[Cassius is brought back from the battle line, mortally wounded.]

Brutus:
Cassius? What happened?

Cassius:
Not sure, to be honest. Hell of a birthday...

[As Antony's forces approach, Brutus decides to go down fighting.]

Brutus:
Give my best to my mother. Tell her... tell her something suitable.

[In the aftermath of the Battle of Phillipi]

Mark Anthony:
Breathe deep, boy. The smell of victory.

Octavian:
[disdainful] Smoke, shit and rotting flesh.

Mark Anthony:
Beautiful, isn't it?

[Servilia, kneeling in front of Atia's house, curses Atia, then commits suicide followed by her slave, Eleni.]

Marc Antony:
...Now that's an exit.

Titus Pullo:
Nobody's a traitor until they are.

Newsreader:
From pliant virgins to learned greeks - Rufus has slaves for every budget.

Vorenus:
Sir your "wife" instructed me to tell you something.

Antony:
Oh?

Vorenus:
She instructed me to tell you that "you are cowardly scum".

Antony:
[laughs] She did, did she? - and what's your opinion of that?

Vorenus:
It's not my place to have an opinion , Sir.

Antony:
Ah - tell me anyway.

Vorenus:
Is that an order?

Antony:
Yes. That's an order.

Vorenus:
You're no coward, but you do have a strong disease in your soul. A disease that will eat away at you - until you die.

Antony:
Really. Hmm. And what is this disease?

Vorenus:
I don't know. I'm not a doctor.

Antony:
No - no you're not. So how can you be so sure of your diagnosis?

Vorenus:
I recognize your symptoms. I have the same sickness.

Antony [examining the knife Cleopatra apparently used to kill herself] No - this won't do. Let's use a proper, Roman sword.

[Vorenus offers his sword, Antony takes it, regards it for a moment then draws it]

Antony:
It's a damn good sword. [Throws the sheath away, looks around the room] It's a good place to die at any rate. Could've been a ditch in Gaul. Men that knew Alexander ... once stood here.

Vorenus:
Good a place as any, I suppose

Antony:
Lucius Vorenus -- iron to the end. Don't you die here with me. You get out while you can.

Vorenus:
I will do that. It's been an honour - serving with you Sir.

Antony:
Has it? I - I hope so. [positions the tip of the sword above his stomach] Brace it there, eh?

Vorenus:
Any instructions or messages, sir?

Antony:
No - Just ... Tell the people I died well. I died Roman.

[Discussing Pullo]

Cleopatra:
Is he a good man?

Vorenus:
Define "good".

Livia:
Excuse me?

Atia:
Yes?

Livia:
Oh, I don't mind really, but it is really I who should go first. If you consult the priests, I'll think you'll find the wife takes precedence.

Atia:
I don't give a f*** what the priests say. I'll not let a vicious little trollop like you walk ahead of me. I go first.

Livia:
I take no offense, of course. You are not yourself.

Atia:
I know who you are. I can see you. You're swearing now that, someday, you'll destroy me. Remember that far better women than you have sworn to do the same. Go look for them now.

Octavian:
I was all sweetness and light with her... charm itself.

Maecenas:
Yes, that is your most disheartening manner.

[last lines of the series]

Titus Pullo:
(to Caesarion) About your father...

Antony:
Centurion Vorenus... as was.

Vorenus:
[lying in bed] Sir.

Antony:
[disgusted] Look at the fucking state of you.

Pullo:
It's mourning dress, sir. He...

Antony:
Mourning? You may well mourn. Caesar is dead, and it was you as good as held the knife. Stand to fucking attention when I'm talking to you! [Vorenus does.] You know that your name is disgraced forever?

Vorenus:
I do, sir.

Antony:
"I do, sir"? Why then are you still alive? Why have you not done your damned duty and opened your stomach?

Vorenus:
I would like that above all things, sir. But Dis is my master, and he will take me when he chooses. At present, he wishes for me to suffer here, on this earth.

Antony:
You are wrong, Centurion. Dis is not your master. I am your master, by sacred oath under the standards of the Thirteenth. [stoops to pick up the rotting head on the floor] And this, I take it, was Erastes Fulmen?

Pullo:
I told him to get rid, but it calms him to look at the thing.

Antony:
Not content to let our great father die, you start a damn war on the Aventine that threatens to engulf the whole fucking city! [tosses Erastes' head out the door] Now... would you like a chance to redeem yourself, Centurion?

Vorenus:
There's no redemption.

Antony:
No man is beyond redemption, Lucius. Not even you.

Cicero:
What is your name, young man?

Pullo:
Titus Pullo, sir. Late of the Thirteenth.

Cicero:
Ah, the famous Titus Pullo. I'm honoured.

Pullo:
Likewise, honoured. Talk about famous. Everyone's heard of Cicero.

Cicero:
Yes. I daresay your work today will earn you immortality.

Pullo:
How's that?

Cicero:
I will be in all the history books. My killer's name, no doubt, will live on also.

Pullo:
[slightly disappointed] Ah, my name... thought you meant me. [looks at a fruit tree] Good peaches!

Cicero:
Yes, just getting ripe. There's no way I can dissuade you from your task, I suppose? I have a great deal of money.

Pullo:
No, sorry. Normally, I'd be tempted, but you're far too important. Imagine the fuss, I get back and I haven't done my job.

[Regarding Mark Antony's affair with Atia and Octavia's affair with Agrippa]

Mark Antony:
So what? What if it is true, huh? What are you going to do about it? There is nothing you can do about it.

Octavian:
I shall send my women to their house... [Antony scoffs] ...where they shall remain, in seclusion, under guard until I say otherwise.

Atia:
I'll do no such thing--!

Octavian:
Silence. [to Antony] You. You shall leave this city.

Mark Antony:
"Leave this city"?!

Octavian:
You shall go east to your provinces, and you shall not come back.

Mark Antony:
[scoffs] Or else what, boy?

Octavian:
You shall leave this city or I shall declare that our alliance is broken. I shall have this sad story told in the Forum, I shall have it posted in every city in Italy, and you know the people are not so liberal with their wives as you are. They will say you wear cuckold's horns. They will say your wife betrayed you with a low-born pleb on my staff. You will be a figure of fun. The proles will laugh at you in the street. Your soldiers will mock you behind your back.

[By this point trembling with fury, Antony grabs Octavian's throat to throttle him but hesitates. Octavian does not flinch.]

Octavian:
[whispers] Go on, strike me. See what happens.

[Slowly, Antony releases his grip, and departs.]

Antony:
Do you believe there is an afterlife?

Vorenus:
Of course.

Antony:
Well, there are people who say no. And this is all there is.

Vorenus:
Who says that?

Antony:
Learned men. Greeks, probably.

Vorenus:
Greeks?

Antony:
Mmm.

Vorenus:
Greeks talk a whole pile of nonsense.

Antony:
Fuck 'em.

Vorenus:
Fuck 'em.

Cleopatra:
[hissing into Octavian's ear] You have a rotten soul. [dies]

Maecenas:
What did she say?

Octavian:
She said I had a rotten soul.

Maecenas:
Ah. Well, can't argue with that.

Octavia:
Today is your triumph as much as his. Mother to the First Citizen, you should be happy.

Atia:
[softly] Hooray.

Octavia:
All my life, I've watched you strive for this moment. Look at you... it's amusing, isn't it? I don't know what i shall do if you give up.