Saturday Night Live, Season 21

Norm MacDonald:
And now a new feature on Weekend Update, here's Nancy Walls with the Head-Shaking News. Nancy?

Nancy Walls:
Thank you, Norm.

Norm MacDonald:
Nancy, what have you got for us tonight?

Nancy Walls:
Our top story tonight comes from Cincinnati, where a highly decorated, paralyzed World War II veteran was beaten and robbed by thieves, who then stole his wheelchair and tried to sell it for crack. [Norm and Nancy solemnly shake their heads, which they do with every sad story] The next morning, it was picked up by Cincinnati garbagemen, taken to the city dump, and melted down for scrap.

Norm MacDonald:
That...that just breaks your heart.

Nancy Walls:
And this week in El Paso, a man was struck by lightning and taken to a local hospital, where he died after doctors mistakenly gave him a massive dose of electricity.

Norm MacDonald:
Oh...oh, you hate to hear that.

Nancy Walls:
It's the times, Norm. In other news, Mickey, the beloved swan, who's been entertaining children at the St. Louis Zoo for 75 years...

Norm MacDonald:
Oh, hey, I love that swan.

Nancy Walls:
Well, wait. He was shot through the neck with an arrow, beaten, and then sexually assaulted with his own beak.

Norm MacDonald:
Oh...that's just senseless.

Nancy Walls:
And in Binghamton, New York, an organ courier bringing a liver to a dying nun had the organ stolen. The liver was later found in a large Kaiser roll with lettuce, tomato, and Russian dressing. It had been delivered to a rival fraternity as a prank.

Norm MacDonald:
Oh...what a world we live in, Nancy. What a world.

Nancy Walls:
I think somewhere, Norm, we got off the track as a society.

Norm MacDonald:
Well, is that all for the Head-Shaking News, Nancy?

Nancy Walls:
No, no, Norm, there's one more item. I'm a new cast member, I just moved here all the way from Chicago, and this Head-Shaking News thing pretty much is my big spot on the show.

Norm MacDonald:
Oh...that's not right.

Nancy Walls:
What are you gonna do?

Norm MacDonald:
Well, hey, maybe this Head-Shaking News thing will kinda take off.

Nancy Walls:
You really think so?

Norm MacDonald:
[shaking] No, I don't. Nancy Walls, everybody.

Norm MacDonald:
Well, it's official: murder is now legal in the state of California.

Norm MacDonald:
[on George Burns's 100th birthday] I don't know the secret to his longevity, but I think I speak for all of us when I say I hope Pauly Shore doesn't know it either.

Norm MacDonald:
Our top story tonight: In an emotional press conference this week, Bob Dole announced that he was resigning from the U.S. Senate, where he has served for nearly three decades. Dole said he regretted leaving the Senate, but needed to focus all his energies on a goal many had once thought impossible: getting Bill Clinton re-elected. Meanwhile, the Clinton administration has charged that the new Republican budget contains hidden tax breaks for big business and the wealthy. In response, Republican lawmakers said, "Shhhh!"

Norm MacDonald:
Tomorrow night on "60 Minutes", Dr. Jack Kevorkian will sit for his first-ever in-depth interview. According to producers, Kevorkian agreed to the interview only on condition that it be conducted by veteran correspondent Andy Rooney. Wait! Don't do it, Andy, it's a trap! It's a trap!

Norm Macdonald:
The much talked about film Showgirls opened this week, and here's my review. Basically a high-budget porno film, Showgirls is a thinly-veiled excuse to show lots of naked buttocks, legs, and breasts. On a scale of 1-10, I give it a 10.