Sea Patrol, Season Two (2008)

Nav:
ET's being posted with us?

Mike:
Good to have the old gang back together, wouldn't you say?

[ET is driven over from HMAS Melbourne in a RHIB.]

Charge:
Wooh-hoo-hoo! It's the creature from the deep.

ET:
I heard you fellas couldn't deal without me.

Buffer:
Yeah right.

Swain:
It's good to see you again mate.

ET:
It's good to be here.

ET:
Charge, they let you up here too, do they?

Charge:
Ooh, yeah. Condition was I cleaned up my jokes. And my calendars.

ET:
[Checking out the calendar.] What is she wearing?

Charge:
I dunno. I believe it’s called a ‘bikini top’.

Kate:
Now, I thought I told you to confine her to your cabin.

Charge:
I don’t know how she got back up here, ma’am.

Bomber:
Everyone, you’re on notice. You bring your dirty mugs down to the galley when you’ve finished with them. Otherwise, next time, you can be drinking out of cardboard.

Kate:
Consider yourselves told.

Mike:
We'll let RO give them the good news.

RO:
[Sarcastically.] Thank you sir.

[During a training exercise – weapons are the gash - old food waste.]

Spider:
Ma’am. Put down the weapon. I mean it ma’am. Put the weapon down.

[Bomber drops the broccoli.]

Spider:
Now, step away from the cauliflower.

Buffer:
It’s a broccoli, you idiot.

Buffer:
I thought the Charge was stabbed. Did he hit his head as well?

Kate:
He's doing Tai Chi.

Buffer:
Yeah, yeah, and if it was you, I wouldn't be asking. But it's the Charge!

RO:
Listen! Look, we're all running away from something. You're ahead. At least you know what you're running from.

Nikki:
You could restore power to the bridge.

Zan:
In my shoes, would you?

Nikki:
I would never be in your shoes.

Mike:
Here’s Plan A, and there is no Plan B so this better work.

Charge:
What is that?

Bomber:
Croque monsier.

Charge:
Crocca what?

Bomber:
Ham and cheese toasted sangers.

Charge:
Oh, alright.

Buffer:
It's a great to hear your voice, sir. Any advice would be highly appreciated.

Mike:
Buffer, it's a time for a Graunch boarding.

Kate:
[To Swain.] Tell me he didn't say "Graunch"!

Swain:
I think he did, ma'am.

[Kate lets out a frustrated sigh.]

Buffer:
Sir, you are a mad man. It's a pleasure to serve under you. Wish us luck. Over.

Charge:
Not quiche again.

Bomber:
Charge, this is real man’s quiche – bacon, sausage, barbeque sauce, splash of Tabasco. Put whickers on your whiskers. Or in Spider’s case, it may bring on puberty.

Spider:
I’ll have you know I shave every day.

ET:
Legs and bikini line don’t count, mate.

Bomber:
It’ll put hair on your chest, then.

Spider:
I’ve got hair on my chest, okay? Just like yours.

Kate:
[Under the effects of rohypnol.] I don’t agree with extramarital soy sauce.

Mike:
Right. Yeah, well, um... I’ll let you sleep it off.

Kate:
[Mumbling.] You’re a beautiful man, Mike Flynn. Just beautiful.

Mike:
Okay. Thank you.

Kate:
[Under the effects of rohypnol.] Why did you leave?

Mike:
Nav, what’s your take on this Campbell Fulton guy?

Nav:
Uh, he’s a Marine Protection guy, sir.

Mike:
Yeah, I know that, but is he a bit of a loose cannon?

Nav:
He’s a Marine Protection guy, sir.

Mike:
Enough said.

ET:
Man, this smell’s knocking me out.

Buffer:
It smells ‘a-trochus’.

ET:
Mate, that joke’s ‘a-trochus’.

Kate:
What I need is a card that says 'Why is there a man in a barrel?'

Buffer:
Can't help you there.

Buffer:
[Attempting to talk to the fishermen.] Man, in barrel? Man, down there in barrel? Why?

[Bomber snorts.]

Buffer:
[Pointing at Bomber.] Shut up!

Bomber:
Sorry Buff.

Nav:
Haven't you had enough action for one day?

ET:
Nah never, just ahh, I think I pulled a muscle boarding that FFV I thought I might stretch it out.

Nav:
Oh no I know what you're doing, trying to drive me crazy.

ET:
Is it working?

Nav:
No, it's having absolutely no effect whatsoever.

ET:
Oh, well I guess I'm safe just to keep doing it then.

Nav:
Just don't blame me if I can't think about anything else.

Nav:
He kissed me.

Kate:
He kissed you by accident?

Kate:
I'm aware that you and ET have feelings for each other. Now I don't want to hear about that because I know that nothing would ever happen on the ship. You are too mature and professional for that to happen.

Nav:
Thank you.

ET:
[When he's just been told his leg will be amputated.] At least we'll always get a car space.

Swain:
You don't have Bird Flu, Spider.

Spider:
What, are you a pathologist? They were on the Hammersley for a very long time.

Charge:
We're disinfected.

Spider:
Charge, those germs can live for a very long time.

Charge:
What, are you a pathologist?

RO:
At least you didn't contract bird flu.

Mike:
You didn't tell me where you were going?

Kate:
I didn't know.

Mike:
Not very professional.

Kate:
Sir we're heading home, we don't need another debriefing.

Mike:
It's not a debriefing.

Kate:
It sounds like one.

Mike:
Well, can't I be concerned?

Kate:
Yeah sure, just don't make it sound like a debriefing.

Nav:
And I think that's my pillow calling...

Buffer:
Call the hands, call the hands, wakey, wakey, wakey.

Nav:
I guess that's not my pillow calling after all.

Buffer:
Sorry Ma'am.

ET:
It's a choice of fruit salad or fruit salad.

Charge:
No way.

Swain:
I would steer clear if I was you though mate, this stuff with soften your arteries.

Charge:
[Sarcastic laugh.] Where is the cook?

Nav:
That looks like horse...

Kate:
Don't say that.

Nav:
Well okay, it looks like the product of a horse that ate some birthday candles.

Kate:
With these things it's the thought that counts.

Nav:
Well at least it will taste good.

Kate:
Well actually it's just a bit frozen.

Nav:
How long has it been out?

Kate:
About 45 mins.

Nav:
You should have taken it out last night.

Kate:
Yeah I know, thanks for that.

Charge:
She’s not here, it’s just fruit and salad.

RO:
Good. Need you all in the junior sailors’ mess.

ET:
Is there a problem?

RO:
No, we’re gonna sing ‘Happy Birthday’.

Swain:
He’s getting weirder.

[The crew on the Bridge are staring at the EOD watching Spider kiss Carly Walsman on Ray Walsman's yacht.]

Nav and Charge:
Oh oh oooooo ooh wow wooow!

Charge:
Oh recording recording!

Nav:
Spider hasn't got a chance against her.

RO:
Guys, some of us are trying to work here.

Nav:
RO, shoosh.

[Kate walks in.]

Kate:
Ahh, have we found something of interest on the EOD?

Charge:
No, just perving on the cruiser.

Kate:
What's Webb done with his life jacket?

Charge:
Ummm well he.....

Nav:
You know Spider, he's just...Spider.

Kate:
Right

Mike:
It’s just about being at sea.

Kate:
Yeah, skippering a giant plastic bath toy.

Mike:
You sound upset, X. Could it be that you’d miss me?

Kate:
I just think that… it would be a terrible waste for the navy.

Mike:
Well, I’m sure the navy would appreciate your concern. [Pause.] If I wasn’t in the navy it would open up certain other possibilities.

[Kate looks away silently.]

Nav:
We already had intelligence that you were in the galley.

Mike:
No doubt they told you I was making a mess.

Nav:
No comment boss

Mike:
What do you know about these Buffer?

Buffer:
They go bang. You don't wanna be around when they do.

Mike:
Just stay calm Spider. We'll have you out of here as soon as we can.

Spider:
Pretty calm sir, just a bit uncomfortable.

Buffer:
How do you expect me to find you a pillow out here mate?

[After ET and Buffer refuse to leave Spider and Mike.]

Mike:
Alright, but if we all get blown up, you two are on bilge scrubbing duties for a month.

Mike:
Who's got the machetes?

ET:
We're navy sir.

Bomber:
He’s supposed to be a hell of a captain.

RO:
Yeah. He’s a golf nut.

ET:
I hear golf balls aren’t the only thing he whacks with his putter... Junior sailors

Bomber:
No!

ET:
Oh, I’m serious.

Fisherman:
Didn't know there was another boat within cooee.

Buffer:
[Pointing to Hammersley.] Pretty hard to miss.

Swain:
That's one hell of a bullet wound.

Freeman:
He doesn't appear to have been in the water long.

Swain:
You think he was thrown out of that prawn trawler?

Freeman:
Oh well, unless he fell from space.

Charge:
Sweet music to my ears.

Buffer:
That's the sound of you snoring big fellow.

Charge:
I don't snore.