Seinfeld, Season 5

George:
You faked?

Elaine:
On occasion.

Jerry:
And the guy never knows?

Elaine:
No.

Jerry:
How can he not know that?

Elaine:
Because I was gooood.

Jerry:
I guess after that many beers he'd be pretty groggy anyway.

Elaine:
[chuckles] You didn't know.

Elaine:
Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.

Jerry:
Sex to save the friendship. [starts to take off his shirt] Well if we have to we have to.

Kramer:
This isnt going to be a new look for the '90s. You're gonna be the first pirate!

Jerry:
But I don't want to be a pirate!

Jerry:
I have to wear it [the puffy shirt]! The people at the factory are making these based on me wearing it on TV! They're producing them as we speak!

Elaine:
But you need to look like a compassionate person that cares about poor people! You look like you're gonna swing in on a chandelier!

[George enters, wearing swimming goggles instead of his glasses.]

George:
I gotta get out of this city.

Jerry:
So you're tunneling to the center of the earth?

George:
I'm at the health club; and while I'm in the pool, some guy walks off with my glasses. Who steals prescription glasses?

Elaine:
You don't have an old pair?

George:
I broke 'em playing basketball.

Jerry:
He was running from a bee.

Elaine:
So I'm all right? I don't need a shot?

Doctor:
Not shot. Dog bite.

Elaine:
Yes, I know I wasn't shot. Do I need a shot?

Doctor:
Not shot. Dog bite. Woof-woof. Not bang-bang.

Elaine:
So because of a few bad apples, you're going to impugn an entire continent?

Jerry:
Yes, I'm impugning a continent.

Frank:
How long it takes to find a bra? What's going on in there? You ask me to get a pair of underwear, I'm back in two seconds...you know about the cup sizes and all? They have different cups.

George:
I know about the cups.

Frank:
You got the A, B, C the D. That's the biggest.

George:
I know the D is the biggest. I've based my whole life on knowing that the D is the biggest.

George:
[showing off his perfect parking spot to Elaine and Jerry] Maybe the baby would like to see the spot.

Kramer:
I'm tellin' ya! The pigman is alive. The government's been experimenting with pigmen since the fifties.

Jerry:
Will you stop it. Just because a hospital gets a grant to study DNA doesn't mean they are creating a race of mutant pigmen.

Kramer:
Oh, Jerry. Would you wake up to reality! It's a military thing. They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.

[Gwen is breaking up with George]

Gwen:
It's not you, it's me.

George:
[appalled] You're giving me the "It's Not You, It's Me" routine? I invented "It's Not You, It's Me"! No one tells me it's them, not me! If it's anybody, it's me!

Gwen:
[embarrassed] Alright, alright... George, it's you.

George:
You're damn right, it's me!

Driver:
I'm so sorry, you'll have to forgive me. I can't hear a damn thing. I went to that rock concert last night at the garden. My seats were right up against the speaker. It's a heavy metal group. "Metalli"-something.

Kramer:
"Ca".

Driver:
Huh?

George:
Wha..?

Jerry:
"Ca".

George:
Ah.

Doctor:
I find that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you.

George:
Hmm. Really? Nothing?

Doctor:
Nothing that would indicate involuntary spasms.

George:
Well, it's kind of a mystery, isn't it?

Doctor:
No, not really.

George:
How so?

Doctor:
May I suggest the possibility that you're faking?

Boy:
(to Jerry) Thanks for ruining my daddy's business, you fat f*ck.

Enzo:
You happy with the haircut?

Newman:
It's okay. A little crooked.

Enzo:
How'd you like to have free haircut for six months.

Newman:
What's the catch?

Enzo:
You're going to get me a sample of Jerry's hair.

Newman:
That job sounds like it might be worth a year of free haircuts. And a comb.

Gino:
So I love the Edward Scissorhands. That's the best movie I've ever seen.

Enzo:
Ah, again with the Edward Scissorhands. How can you have hand like scissors, huh? Show me one person who's got hand like scissors!

Gino:
Hey, it's a beautiful dream. I'd love to be this man.

Enzo:
Did you ever think about what you're going to do on the toilet? What are you going to do on the toilet?

Kramer:
I'd like to have shoehorn hands.

George:
Jerry...this woman hates me so much...I'm starting to like her.

George:
A woman that hates me this much comes along once in a lifetime.

Jerry:
You're a lucky guy.

Kramer:
I'm doing a coffee-table book on coffee tables.

Estelle Costanza:
George doesn't work. He's a bum.

Father/Priest:
Is there one aspect of the faith that you find particularly attractive?

George:
I like the hats.

George:
By Christmas Day, I will be Brother Costanza.

Jerry:
And what does Brother Costanza plan on telling Mother Costanza?

George:
Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence.

Jerry:
You're crazy.

Kramer:
Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?

Jerry:
It's impossible.

Kramer:
Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?

Jerry:
It can't be.

Kramer:
Can't it? Or is your entire world crashing down all around you?

Jerry:
He's a male bimbo... He's a mimbo!

Jerry:
Uh, I don't feel so good.

Elaine:
What's wrong?

Jerry:
My stomach, I , I think it was that cookie.

Elaine:
The black and white?

Jerry:
Yeah.

Elaine:
Not getting along?

Man:
[Bumps into George and angrily says] Big Coat!

George:
Yes, Its a big coat!

Kramer:
Be careful with that coat, you'll start a war!

[using the ATM at the same time as the person next to him]

Jerry:
"Cash advance"? Yes... no. "Balance inquiry"? No. "Receipt"? No. Processing... processing... processing. [to the person next to him] I win!

George:
The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup at a deli!

Ricky's supervisor:
Ricky, we've been getting a tremendous response to your TR-6 mannequin.

Ricky:
TR-6? I prefer to think of her as... Elaine.

Jerry:
A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.

Jerry:
How do you stop a kid from growing?

Kramer:
I told you, you should offer him some cigarettes.

Mickey:
I offered him cigarettes, but his stupid mother is hanging around. She won't let him have any.

George:
Why don't they just hire another midget?

Mickey:
It's "little people"...You got that?!

Kramer:
Hey Elaine, what do you say, if neither of us is married in 10 years, we get hitched?

Elaine:
Make it 50.

Kramer:
We're engaged!

George:
A guy leaves a puddle of sweat, that's a signal?

Elaine:
Yeah, it's a social thing.

George:
What if he left you a used Kleenex? What's that, a valentine?

Jerry:
She lives with her parents.

George:
Really? Maybe this will become like a cool thing, living with your parents.

Jerry:
Yeah, then maybe baldness will catch on.

Jerry:
[during stand-up] To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there...you're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that there is a party. You don't know what's goin' on. Both birthday parties, people have to kinda help you blow out the candles, you can't do it...you don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual?

George:
What looked like pushing...what looked like knocking down...was a safety precaution! In a fire, you stay close to the ground, am I right? And when I ran out that door, I was not leaving anyone behind! Oh, quite the contrary! I risked my life making sure that exit was clear. Any other questions?

Fireman:
How do you live with yourself?

George:
It's not easy.

Kramer:
Hey Jerry, you ever wear silk underwear?

Jerry:
No.

Kramer:
Put that on the top of your list.

Jerry:
No, not for me. A little too delightful.

Elaine:
Oh, isn't that weird that George and Jane haven't had sex yet, but they're spending a weekend together?

Jerry:
I know, George is pretty pleased about it. It's like she signed a letter of intent.

Jerry:
The New York Yankees?

George:
The New York [turns Yankees hat around] Yankees!

Jerry:
Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle ... Costanza!?

George:
SHUT YOUR TRAPS AND STOP KICKING THE SEATS! WE'RE TRYING TO WATCH THE MOVIE! And if I have to tell you again, we're gonna take it outside and I'm gonna SHOW you what it's like, you understand me? Now shut your mouths or I'm gonna shut 'em for ya! And if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try me! Because I would LOVE it!!!

Kramer:
[Seeing George eating pretzels] May I have one of those, madam?

George:
Madam? What are you calling me madam for?

Kramer:
They're ladies' glasses,

[Kramer takes George's glasses and shows him the inside]

Kramer:
Now look here, see it's right here: Gloria Vanderbilt Collection.

George:
He sold me ladies' glasses!

Kramer:
Jerry, do me a favor. Next time you see that lineswoman, ask her how ball boys get that job. I'd love to do that.

Jerry:
I think perhaps you've overlooked one of the key aspects of this activity- It's ball boys, not ball men. There are no ball men.

George:
I show up. I pretend I have the job. The guy's on vacation. If I have the job, it's fine. If I don't have the job, by the time he comes back, I'm ensconced.

Jerry:
Hmm, not bad.

George:
What's the worst thing that can happen?

Jerry:
Well, you'd be embarrassed and humiliated in front of a large group of people and have to walk out in shame with you tail between your legs.

George:
Yeah, so?

George:
I wanna know what I did to this woman.

Karen:
What, you got a little thing for her?

George:
No, No! She's going out with a friend of mine. It's only courteous that we should try and like each other.

Karen:
What difference does it make? Who cares if she doesn't like you? Does everybody in the world have to like you?

George:
Yes! Yes! Everybody has to like me. I must be liked!

Jerry:
But you can't give something and then take it back. I mean, what are you, a...

Winona:
What?

Jerry:
A uh, person that uh...

Winona:
A person that what?

Jerry:
Well, a person that gives something and then they're dissatisfied and they wish they had, had...

Winona:
And?

Jerry:
Never give, given it to the person that they originally gave it to,

Winona:
You mean like an Indian giver?

Jerry:
I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with that term.

Frank Costanza:
Is there anything wrong with getting a receipt at a tollbooth?

Mother Costanza:
I'm going upstairs.

Frank Costanza:
This stack should be bigger.

Frank Costanza:
Where's the TV Guide?

George:
What TV Guide?

Frank Costanza:
I'm missing TV Guide ... Volume 41, number 31.

Jerry:
Elaine took it to read on the subway.

Frank Costanza:
Elaine took it? -I didn't know she took it.

George:
Well, it's two weeks old.

Frank Costanza:
How could you let her take the TV Guide?!

George:
He collects them.

Jerry:
You collect TV Guide?

Frank Costanza:
The nerve of that woman.

Frank Costanza:
Walking into my house, stealing my collectibles!

Estelle:
[screaming] Oh my God! [she enters holding a small packet] This was in our bed.

Frank:
[taking the packet] What is this? [accusingly to George] A prophylactic wrapper?!

Estelle:
What is this doing on my bed?!

George:
I don't know, uh...

Jerry:
I'll see you later. [leaves with unseemly haste]

Frank:
You were having sex on our bed?!

George:
Yes!

Estelle:
Who told you you could have sex in our bed?

George:
[pleading] Well, my bed is too small.

Frank:
Your bed is too small? I'm gone two weeks and you turn our house into, into Bourbon Street!

Estelle:
Where am I going to sleep?

George:
What are you talking about?

Estelle:
I can't sleep in there!

George:
Of course you can.

Estelle:
I can't! [screams] I can't!

Frank:
That's it! You're grounded!

George:
[incredulously] You can't ground me, I'm a grown man.

Frank:
You wanna live here? You respect the rules of our house. YOU'RE GROUNDED!!!

Jerry:
See, the key to eating a black-and-white cookie, Elaine... is you wanna get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet still somehow, racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie... all our problems would be solved.

George:
The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly, the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.

Jerry:
Mammal.

George:
Whatever.

Kramer:
Well, what did you do next?

George:
Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me, but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.

[George reveals the obstruction to be a golf ball]

Kramer:
What is that, a Titleist?

[George nods]

Kramer:
A hole in one, huh?

George:
Is that the time? I gotta get downtown and buy that suit. The store opens in twenty minutes.

Kramer:
Hey, is that Elaine mannequin still there?

George:
Yeah.

Kramer:
Yeah?

George:
The last time I saw her... she was naked.

Jerry:
Yeah, And Poppie's got problems.

Jerry:
C'mon, how was your date?

Elaine:
Oh, the date...the date.

Jerry:
Yeah, how was it?

Elaine:
Interesting.

Jerry:
Really?

Elaine:
Oh yeah.

Jerry:
Why? What happened?

Elaine:
Let's see...how shall I put this?

Jerry:
Well, just put it.

Elaine:
...He took it out.

Jerry:
[pause] He what?

Elaine:
He took [cleans her glasses] it out.

Jerry:
He took what out?

Elaine:
It.

Jerry:
He took it out?

Elaine:
Yes sireebob.

Jerry:
He couldn't.

Elaine:
He did.

Jerry:
Well, were you involved in some sort of amorous...

Elaine:
Nooo.

Jerry:
You mean he just...

Elaine:
Yes.

Jerry:
Are you sure?

Elaine:
Oh, quite.

Jerry:
There was no mistaking it?

Elaine:
Jerry.

Jerry:
So you were talking, you're having pleasant conversation...and then all of a sudden...

Elaine:
Yeah.

Jerry:
It.

Elaine:
It.

Jerry:
Out.

Elaine:
Out.

Jerry:
Well, I can't believe this. I know Phil. He's a good friend of mine. We play softball together. How could this be?

Elaine:
Oh it be.

George:
Well, what was I supposed to do? Get out of the shower, put on my bathrobe, go all the way down to the other end, come all the way back?

Elaine:
Did you ever hear about holding it in?

George:
Oh no. No, that's very bad for the kidneys.

Elaine:
How do you know?

George:
[scoffs] Medical journals.

Jerry:
Do the medical journals mention anything about standing in a pool of someone else's urine?

George:
I'm trying to get out of this Big Brother program. So when you get to Paris (handing Morty the postcards) all you have to do is drop 'em in any mailbox.

Morty:
But there are no stamps on these.

George:
Well no not yet, you gotta buy french stamps (pauses) I-I'll reimburse you of course.

Helen:
Why are you doing this?

Jerry:
He wants this guy to think he's in Paris.

Helen:
Why?

Jerry:
Because George is a deeply disturbed individual.

Elaine:
I know they're your parents Jerry, and they're very nice people. But don't you think it's odd, that a 35-year-old man is going to these lengths to see that someone else's parents are enjoying themselves? I mean, don't you find that abnormal?

Jerry:
It is a tad askew.

Elaine:
I mean they're your parents and you don't do anything. So why is this stranger doing it?

Jerry:
I've hardly been out to dinner with them.

Elaine:
See, see, I can't even say anything, you know, because all he's really doing is being nice. But nobody is this nice, this is like certifiably nice.

Jerry:
You're right. He's insane.

[Helen opens the door to Newman, who is standing in the doorway with a smug grin on his face]

Newman:
Hello, Mrs. Seinfeld.

Helen (in the same manner as her son):
Hello, Newman.

George:
Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but... I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat... It's all been wrong.

Waitress:
Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.

George:
Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of tuna on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted ... with a side of potato salad ... and a cup of tea!

Elaine:
Well, there's no telling what can happen from this.

Jerry:
You know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, because salmon swim against the current, and the tuna swim with it.

George:
[sarcastically] Good for the tuna.

Elaine:
[a blonde looks at George] Ah, George, you know, that woman just looked at you.

George:
So what? What am I supposed to do?

Elaine:
Go talk to her.

George:
Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women.

Jerry:
Well, here's your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them.

George:
Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should.

Jerry:
If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.

George:
Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something! [He goes over to the woman] Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice that you were looking in my direction.

Victoria:
Oh, yes I was. You just ordered the exact same lunch as me.

George:
[Takes a deep breath] My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

Victoria:
[smiles] I'm Victoria. Hi.

Jimmy:
Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone here I'd like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He's one of the applicants.

George Steinbrenner:
Nice to meet you.

George:
Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect I find it hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past 20 years, you have caused myself and the city of New York a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduce them to a laughingstock, all for the glorification of your massive ego.

George Steinbrenner:
Hire this man!!