Silver Spoons, Season 1

Ricky:
Pleased to meet'cha... . I'm your son.

Edward:
Son? SON? Gee, I... yeah, but, but, but how? Ubbuh... When? Who?

Ricky:
Evelyn... Your ex-wife, remember?

Edward:
How c'n we have a son? We weren't married that long.

Ricky:
Well, it doesn't take that long.

Derek:
You still looking at that stupid picture?

Ricky:
You call this picture stupid once more, and your tooth fairy's gonna need a wheelbarrow!

Derek:
Come off it, creep-face! You told me you were gonna go live with your father and you'd never have to come back here again. Well you're here, just like I told ya... He probably took one look at you and threw you out, just like your mother did.

Ricky:
You know, Derek, now I see why all your gerbils commit suicide!

Ricky:
Why aren't you in military school? They finally kick you out?

Derek:
Yeah. They got mad 'cause I took a look at Colonel Baxter's wife.

Ricky:
What's so bad about that?

Derek:
She was in the shower at the time.

Ricky:
Derek, the lady is 74 years old!

Derek:
It was still worth it.

Edward:
I still have to punish you.

Ricky:
Look, Dad, that won't be necessary now.

Edward:
Oh yes, it will. Because I don't want you to forget that it's wrong to be mean and inconsiderate. So, except for meals, you will stay in your room for two days.

Ricky:
Oh, Dad.

Edward:
Son, this hurts me more than it does you.

Ricky:
How can it hurt you?

Edward:
I won't have anybody to play with.

Ricky:
[to his grandfather] You know, I feel bad for you. For my dad, too. It's almost as if he doesn't have a father, and you don't have a son. [He walks toward the door] I went without my father for 12 years and I really missed him. And I can't believe that you don't miss your son.

Grandpa Stratton:
Edward, would you care to go to the ball game?

Edward:
Well... I don't know. Yeah. Let's go! [runs to the door, then runs back] Wait a minute, wait a minute. [He grabs a baseball cap and a glove] In case of foul balls. [runs out the door]

Ricky:
I'm sure it's just a phase.

Ricky:
At lunchtime, Dad, he even tasted my food.

Edward:
Was that necessary, Mr. T?

Mr. T:
Look, man - you hired me because I'm the best in the world, and I never lost a client. If there's a gun, I take the bullet. If there's a knife, I take the blade. I don't work for people I ain't willing to die for - and besides, that food in the cafeteria will kill ya!

Ricky:
He scared the classroom, he scared the school teacher - and worst of all, he got a hundred on a history test!

Mr. T:
Hey, man - I don't hold back for nobody!

Ricky:
Dad, I was wondering. Are you a monk?

Edward:
What do you mean?

Ricky:
It's just that I've been here a while now, and you haven't gone out on any dates.

Edward:
Well, son, I -- I thought it was important that I try to spend as much time as possible with you. Besides, I wasn't sure how you'd feel about me dating.

Ricky:
Come on, Dad. I wasn't born in the woods, you know. I understand when a man has needs.

Edward:
You do?

Ricky:
Yeah! Sure, I have needs, too. I'm just too young to do anything about 'em.

Ricky:
I can't believe it. I finally met the woman of my dreams, and she dumps me. I'm only 12. Do you realize how many years I have left to be miserable?

Ricky:
I guess you got my letter, huh?

Evelyn:
I certainly did. And when I read that you had left military school to live with your father, I -- well, I shrieked. And people do not shriek in Switzerland.

Ricky:
No, they yodel.

Evelyn:
How I've missed that sweet, little sarcastic sense of humor. I can't imagine where you got it.

Edward:
You know, I haven't forgotten... there was a time when I was wildly and madly in love with you.

Evelyn:
And I felt the same way about you. You were charming and romantic, adventurous... and you had great buns.

Edward:
Had?

Evelyn:
Our marriage was really something, wasn't it?

Edward:
Yeah. Six unforgettable days.

Arnold:
Hey, Ricky!

Ricky:
Hi, Arnold!

Arnold:
Well, there you are... this week's copy of The Weekly Woodpecker! Check out the headlines!

Ricky:
"Room 12 Gets New Blackboard."

Arnold:
Not that headline... this one.

Ricky:
"Computer Whiz Kid Breaks Military Code."

Arnold:
Rather catching, isn't it?

Ricky:
Yeah, nice job, Arnold! I think it's important for the people to know this. It's just too easy to get military information with a computer... But you didn't mention my name, right?

Arnold:
Hey, I always keep my sources anonymous!

Ricky:
"This information was furnished by Ricky Stratton, who prefers to remain anonymous."

Arnold:
See?... Aw, Rick, I needed that story. I've never made the front page before, and my editor wouldn't print it without the details!

Ricky:
Well, at least you didn't print a picture of the plane.

Arnold:
I guess you haven't gotten to page 3 yet.

[ Ricky looks at page 3 of the paper ]

Ricky:
Arnold, you shouldn't have done this! We can get into big trouble for this, Arnold!

Arnold:
What trouble? It's a sixth grade newspaper! Who's gonna see it?

[ Ricky and Arnold hear a knock on the door ]

Voice:
[behind the door] Open up! This is the FBI!

Edward:
If you're ever in any kind of trouble, no matter how bad - whether it's a broken window, getting a bad grade... treason... whatever it is, I want you to know you can always come to me. We'll handle it together.

Ricky:
That wasn't funny, Derek.

Derek:
Maybe not to you, but from this side of the headstone, it was hilarious.

Edward:
[knocks on Ricky's bedroom door just as Ricky is about to leave through the window] Ricky?

Ricky:
[quickly climbs into bed] Uh, just a minute, Dad. I'm, uh... I'm wrapping your birthday present.

Edward:
Ricky, my birthday isn't for eight months yet.

Ricky:
I'm a slow wrapper.

Edward:
Playing an instrument is the sign of strength, not weakness. Personally, I'm very proud of Rick that he has a mind of his own.

Derek:
I wish I'd said that.

Ricky:
If it hadn't been for my grandfather, we'd all be driving Japanese cars now.

Ricky:
Derek, did your parents have any kids after they had you?

Derek:
No.

Ricky:
Think about it.

Edward:
Son, everybody has perfect images of the way they want things to be. Sometimes - a lot of times - things just don't turn out the way we want 'em to. There's even a word to describe that.

Ricky:
What is it?

Edward:
Life.

Ricky:
I just don't go for this "new morality" stuff. What can I say? I'm an old-fashioned guy.

Derek:
Boy, some nerds have all the luck.

Ricky:
What are you talking about?

Derek:
Don't you realize what's going on here? Kate's got the hots for you.

Ricky:
Derek, I think your athlete's foot has finally spread to your brain.

Ricky:
Derek, you're a cold sore on the lip of life.

Ricky:
Derek, I know what they're gonna put on your gravestone: 'Here Lies Derek Taylor - By Popular Demand.'

Kate:
Where did you get all that Christmas spirit?

Ricky:
Simple, Kate - I just thought of what Derek would have done in this situation, and I did the opposite.

Joey Thompson:
I'll do anything, Mr. Stratton. I'm a hard worker. I may be small, but I'm wiry.

Ricky:
Joey, Joey. Please don't call me "mister." Although to you I may seem like an awesome giant... I'm actually only 12 years old.

Joey Thompson:
Really? I'd guess you're 10... you know, 11, tops.

Ricky:
On second thought, call me "mister."

Ricky:
You know, we don't stand a chance of pulling this off.

Derek:
Sure we do! Look, the deal is that you stay there ten minutes, just long enough for me to collect my bet... and then you can pretend you have a headache, and you can leave.

Ricky:
I've got news for ya... I've already got a headache.

Derek:
Hold still a second.

[He pops Ricky's "boobs" with a dart]

Derek:
You're supposed to use socks, not balloons.

Ricky:
Sorry. I'm a little new at this.

Ricky:
Why are you trying to steal my father's money?

Ox:
Simple - stealing money makes me feel good inside.

Ricky:
In that case, you've got a big future in politics!

Ricky:
[on his father] I can ask him anything, anytime; he'll always listen real close, and tell me the God's honest truth. Like when I asked him how a man and a woman made a baby - he told me the truth. It made me throw up... but it was still the truth.

Derek:
Come on, Rick - if we can't laugh at the humiliated, who can we laugh at?

Derek:
What's the problem?

Ricky:
Well, for one thing, she's blackmailing me.

Derek:
Really? Wow... beauty, brains, and a great personality!

Edward:
You've committed to selling 1,000 bags of popcorn. So, I'll tell you what... first thing tomorrow morning, we'll go down to the mail, and you'll sell 1,000 bags.

Ricky:
In one day? That's impossible.

Edward:
Well, you never know until you try. But I'll tell you this much... if you work hard and earn that $1,000, you're gonna feel a whole lot better about yourself.

Ricky:
Okay, Dad, I'll give it a try. But if I go through all that hard work and don't feel any better about myself, your credibility is shot.

Ricky:
I did it, Dad! I sold the rest of the popcorn.

Edward:
You did? But how? I thought you were upstairs.

Ricky:
No. I went out and I sold the popcorn from door to door to door to door. I sold most of them that way.

Edward:
Great! How'd you sell the rest of them?

Ricky:
Derek's father bought 'em.

Edward:
He did?

Ricky:
Yeah. I just went and knocked on a door at the Shangri-La Motel and Derek's father answered. He seemed real nervous. He bought my last 88 bags. I wonder why?

Edward:
Well, when I see him, you can bet I'll ask him.

Ricky:
[on Derek's business project] He's gonna tell everybody he's manufacturing picture frames in his treehouse. Then he's gonna burn it down, and collect the insurance.

Derek:
I wanna talk to you about our partnership.

Ricky:
Partnership?

Derek:
Relax. Don't have a cow. Let's face it. J.T. and Lisa are strictly bush league. But you and me, we're like Baskin and Robbins, Sears and Roebuck, Montgomery and Ward.

Ricky:
No, Derek. We're more like Lincoln and Booth.

Ricky:
Derek, you know... I've read somewhere that there's a little bit of good in even the worst person. That must have been written before you were born.

Ricky:
Hi, Dad.

Edward:
Later, son. I'm... Rick! Oh, son, are you all right?

Kate:
We were worried sick about you!

Ricky:
Yeah, I'm fine, but didn't you hear? The Ski Patrol's looking for a lost kid.

Edward:
Rick, they're looking for you! We thought you were lost.

Ricky:
That's ridiculous! I'm not lost. I'm right here.

Ricky:
Would you like to come fishing with me sometime?

Dexter Stuffins:
I'm afraid that's impossible. I'm allergic to recreation.

Ricky:
I know, I know - you're gonna tell me what you always tell me: The world isn't fair.

Grandpa Stratton:
I was going to say that the more you own of the world, the fairer it gets.

Ricky:
Was the greatest man who ever walked the earth, your Dad, Dan Danish bitter?

Bob Danish:
Well, the greatest man who ever walked the earth, my Dad, Dan Danish was not bitter. Although when he died, he was a broken man.

Ricky:
Oh, so I guess it did bother him.

Bob Danish:
No, piano fell on him.

Ricky:
They just realized that the greenhouse is burning down. The firemen are trying to get inside. [glass shatters] They're inside. This is neat!

Edward:
Rick, the backyard is an inferno! Total destruction is not neat!

Bob Danish:
Lighten up, He's just a kid. Probably his first disaster.

Freddy:
Turn it on!

Ricky:
It's on! Boy is it on!

J.T.:
That must be Cinnamon Toast! All those Venutians got some great lookin' nurses!

Ricky:
How come she isn't wearing any clothes?

J.T.:
Simple! The doctor's givin' her an examination!

Ricky:
OK, then how come the doctor's not wearing clothes?

J.T.:
You see, I think that has to do with why we're not supposed to be watching this kind of stuff!

Freddy:
How are they?

Ricky:
Outstanding!

[Kate enters the living room to pick up something she forgot. She hears the TV (and the boys) laughing in the den and goes to investigate. She opens the door a bit, takes in horror as she sees what's on the TV, and flings the door open, getting Ricky and J.T.'s attention.]

Ricky:
Kate!!

Freddy:
Kate's in this?!

Kate:
Ricky, what is going on here?

Ricky:
Well, you see, Nurse Toast is getting a checkup from the doctor...

Kate:
That's not what I meant, what I mean is, why are you watching this kind of........ show? Well?

Ricky:
I don't think this doctor and nurse were really in love. I mean, during the whole thing, she never stopped reading The Wall Street Journal!

Edward:
I think you may have the idea. See, son, movies like that reduce lovemaking to purely physical, mechanical acts... and, in my opinion, they put down women... treat them like mindless sex objects.

Ricky:
Why do we get these movies on our TV?

Edward:
Well... it comes with the cable service. See, I ordered the cable service because I want to see... recent movies without commercials. And to my surprise, they... they also broadcast these skin flicks! I-I have no choice... if I want to watch a decent movie, then I just have to order these... these movies at the same time!... Are you buying this?

Ricky:
Dad, you're a grownup... I guess you can watch whatever you want!

Edward:
Yes, I can, son, but I don't choose to watch movies like this... and until you're old enough to make your own decisions, I won't allow you to watch 'em either. Is that understood?

Ricky:
That's understood.

[Ricky and Edward hug]

Edward:
Let's get some sleep.

Ricky:
Dad? Thanks for talking to me about this.

Edward:
Well, thanks for listening.

Ricky:
And thanks for being so open.

Edward:
Thanks for coming to me and telling me about it.

Ricky:
And thanks for not grounding me!

Edward:
Nice try, Rick.

Ricky:
[sheepish grin] Thanks!

Edward:
Uh, son, you forgot to give me back my keys.

Ricky:
Would you believe I lost it?

Edward:
Another nice try.

Ricky:
Thanks!