Skins, Series 2

[Dale crashes into Maxxie and they roll together down the hill. Dale kisses Maxxie who eventually pushes him off, and they roll down even more with Dale ending up straddling Maxxie]

Dale:
Sent them the other way.

Maxxie:
F***ing cake. I should've knew it when I saw the hundreds and thousands.

Dale:
Lemon Drizzle. It's a piece of piss.

Maxxie:
Dale, you can't just treat me like shit and then just... just... nah, f*** it.

[Maxxie draws Dale down for another kiss]

[Maxxie's dad Walter walks past Tony, Chris and Jal]

Walter:
Hello, Tony, Chris, funny name.

Maxxie:
I'm never going to be a builder, Dad.

Maxxie's Dad:
You'll understand this one day kid, you're everything I've got to show for my life and I'm not ready for you to go cause I f***ing love you too much. I'm an idiot, I know.

Maxxie:
I love you too, Dad.

Jal:
If I'd just met you Anwar I'd rather slit my wrists than give you one.

Anwar:
That's because you don't give anyone one.

Young girl:
I wanna give Maxxie one.

Young girl 2:
You can't, he's homosexual.

Young girl:
Bummer.

Young girl:
Eh? What's up with you?

Tony:
I had a traumatic subdural haematoma with motor and receptive complications.

Young girl 2:
Are you mental?

Tony:
Yes.

Young girl:
I'd still give you one.

[In a costume party Michelle, dressed as Princess Leia, has ran into Tony who is dressed as Luke Skywalker and Abigail also as Leia]

Tony:
Hi, Michelle.

Michelle:
You dressed as Luke. For her.

Tony:
Well, I guess I... did I?

Michelle:
Tony, you... [walks away]

[Maxxie and Anwar are watching]

Anwar:
You think either of them has actually seen Star Wars? You reckon they know Luke's her brother?

[While having sex with Sketch]

Anwar:
You mind if I list a complete filmography of Hugh Grant since 1992... to slow things down? Bitter Moon, Remains of the Day, Sirens, Four Weddings, An Awfully Big Adventure... that one was rubbish... The Englishman Who Came Up a Hill and Went Down a Mountain, Nine Months, Sense and Sensibility, Restoration, Extreme Measures, Notting Hill, Mickey Blues Eyes, Small Time Crooks, Bridget Jones... Bridget Jones! I never get as far as About A Boy.

Chris:
Four months without sex that ain't funny. But you probably wouldn't understand that, Jal.

Jal:
Huh?

Chris:
Well you don't have sex at all, do you? You have clarinet lessons.

Alex:
[sneering] Cannae hold onto your woman, eh?

[Mark hits breaking point]

Mark:
F*** off out of my house you miserable Scottish cunt.

Alex:
[in disbelief] You... You, you... what!?

Mark:
I know what your game is, Alex. It's a f***ing good yin. But I'm no' buying it, you got me?

Sid:
Dad?

Mark:
It's okay, Sid. They're all leaving! Right now! [Alex looks shocked]

Anna Richardson:
[taking a box marked "Fragile" from a delivery man] This one's mine.

[The bottom of the box falls open and reveals several sex toys]

Delivery man:
Buggering hell!

[Anna sighs and picks up a lemon-squeezer]

Anna:
This one's actually a lemon squeezer!

Delivery man:
Thank Christ for that...

Sid:
[getting up] Anyways, we should get the tents up. [helps Michelle up] Gimme a hand getting them off the...

[They see that the tents are missing from the car roof]

Sid:
...Roof?

[Cut to the gang advancing on Chris]

Chris:
Look, it's not my fault!

Jal:
I told you to tie the tents to the roof!

Chris:
No, no, no, you said to put the stuff on the roof! Nobody said anything about tying!

Maxxie:
You meader, Chris!

Sid:
[As Anwar pushes Chris] What did you think was holding them up there, you muppet?!

Michelle:
Where the f*** are we gonna sleep!?

Chris:
I'm sorry! [pause] F*** it, I'm inadequate. What can you do?

Jal:
This! [reaches out and crushes his testicles]

Sid:
Oh, that's gotta hurt.

College principal:
[to Chris] I'll cut to the chase. We've no coursework from you and the exams are about to start. You're a shit student and your inevitably shit results will affect my averages and I'll be swimming in a river of shit and I didn't pack a snorkel.

Chris:
Right, I've been to the job centre yeah, and they're a bit.. well they're all fuc-

Josie:
Fuddy-duddies.

Chris:
Yeah! Yeah, they are fuddy-duddies! Right, they're like, "just queue up here, fill in this box here, don't steal that. Right, it's a load of cra-"

Josie:
Cranberry juice. [offers Chris a carton] Would you want...?

Chris:
Thanks. Anyway, there's this one lady there, I've never met such a big fat bit-

Josie:
Biscuit. [offers Chris a jar] Do you want a biscuit?

[Chris takes a biscuit and eats it]

Josie:
How can I help?

Chris:
Well, I'm thinking, seeing as you're a careers officer...

[Josie thinks heavily]

Chris:
...I thought.. you could... you know...

[Josie still thinking heavily]

Chris:
...help me get a job.

Josie:
Oh yeah! Totally!

Chris:
Yeah!? F***ing ace!

[Josie points to a sign that says "Be daring, try to express yourself without swearing."]

Josie:
[quietly] Chris, stop swearing...

Chris:
So I told him he was a pitty boss and a pastard, and he could pucking shove his pucked polo up his packside! Stupid prick!

Josie:
I think one slipped through there Chris...

Chris:
[thinks] Stupid punt.

Cassie:
[maniacally, while peeling an apple with a carving knife] Chris and Jal... Jal and Chris... more couples! More and more couples! [staring at the knife] Have you ever been in love?

Jal:
I don't think so...

Cassie:
[smiling] Do you want me to describe it to you?

Jal:
[nervously] Okay...

Cassie:
Do you remember when you rode with me in the ambulance after I tried to kill myself?

Jal:
Of course.

Cassie:
That's what love feels like.

[Cassie puts her knife down and examines her apple. Jal discreetly hides the knife]

Chris' boss:
Can I have a word?

[Chris acquiesces. Simultaneously, Chris' colleague Jon completes a sale and begins a loud and over-exaggerated celebration. The noise can be clearly heard in the manager's office]

Chris' boss:
It's just that, you've not sold anything yet. You've been here a while now.

Chris:
No, no, I understand.

Chris' boss:
If there's anything I can do to help...

Chris:
[referring to Jon] Muzzle, maybe?

Chris' boss:
[laughs, then adopts a serious manner] He does sell properties, son.

Cassie:
Do you know what hurts most about a broken heart? Not being able to remember how you felt before... try and keep that feeling, because... if it goes... you'll never get it back.

Chris:
What happens then?

Cassie:
You lay waste to the world... and everything in it.

Chris:
Jal, don't you understand I wanna-

Jal:
Make a new f***ing pact that means nothing to you? Yeah! Let's do that! We'll build something, and we'll tear it down! F*** it! Come on. Say it. Build something! Tear it down! You're not who I thought you were. You're an empty, poisonous smile.

Chris:
Jal, can't we just- I don't know what I'm meant to say! Jal, look at me. I was perfectly happy killing myself. All right? But then you asked me to try. And for the first time in my life, it felt like someone actually gave a shit, and that that person was worth trying for. And now... I'd f***ing, I'd make the world record biggest sandwich if you asked me to. I'd kick old grannies in the tits, I'd fill the river with Panda Pops!

Chris:
Money, it's just bits of paper or numbers on a screen isn't it really. But these walls they exist. If you can imagine memories happening in them than that's real isn't it? I just, I want you to imagine dying. Alright I know that sounds weird but just, you're really old and you're in your bed and you're remembering your life. Your daughter's first birthday. Shagging on a Sunday afternoon. Skinning up in the garden. With the kids. Alright when you do that, is this the house that you see in all those memories? Cause if it is than a few bits of paper here or there don't really seem to matter.

Tony:
You don't know a f***ing thing about me, you sanctimonious cunt. But since we're playing the guessing game, let's make a few assumptions. A divorced, lonely, middle-aged lecturer who lives alone and gets his rocks off--

Professor:
You are really f***ing blowing this...

Tony:
--who gets his f***ing rocks off trying to sleep with f***ing first years. Other hobbies include intimidation and furtive masturbation. I bet you thought you'd died and gone to heaven when you got here, didn't you? Your own office, and all the students you could eat?

Tony:
Animus... It means spirit, courage, passion, wrath. This is mine.

Professor:
Who the f***ing hell do you think you are?

Tony:
I'm a bad dream, mate. I'm you before you shrivelled and died. And I don't wanna go where you've been. So in answer to your earlier question, you should've given me a place here. I'd have been the best student you'd ever had.

Pandora:
[stoned] Hi mum. No, I'm fine, I'm super duper fine! Yep, I'm with my friends and they're like so f***ing amazing. Well, I guess I'm looking at Tony's cock, but he can't tell. See ya! [Tony looks more uncomfortable as she keeps on staring]

Doorman:
What do you think?

Tony:
[flicking through a book manuscript] Oh yes, excellent. But... [pauses while the doorman admits two girls into the nightclub]

Doorman:
But?

Tony:
The character arcs are immaculately achieved with a good degree of stylistic control. I especially like the doorman with superpowers; vaporising Reeboks? Very nice. [the doorman laughs] But you need to move the climatic development back, so the orgy scene comes before the disembowelling of the Elvic horde. See?

[The doorman takes back the manuscript and flicks through it. He pauses for a second, then has an epiphany]

Doorman:
That's it! You've solved it! Oh, have a good one mate. [gives Tony a lollipop and admits him into the nightclub]

Effy:
[About Sid's drawing] "Loser" isn't an emotion.

Sid:
It is to me. You think it's shit, don't you?

Effy:
Yes.

Sid:
I used four biros. And I bought them. [takes them out] Four. You owe me 79 pence.

[Effy gets up and starts to undress]

Sid:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Effy, what're you doing?

Effy:
[undressing] I'm going out. You've got 24 hours, Sid, to produce something that doesn't look like coursework for GCSE spaz. [crosses over to her cupboard and takes out a pallet, paint and brush] Dip your brush in that, and don't even think of leaving this room until you've done it. [sits down on the bed in her underwear]

Sid:
Listen, I don't think this is working out, yeah? Right, shall we just leave it, okay? I quit.

[Effy begins bouncing on her bed and making groaning noises]

Sid:
[realising what she's doing] All right. All right! I'm doing it.

[Sid begins painting, while Effy puts her dress on]

Cassie:
[acidly] What do you want, Sid?

Sid:
I want you to stop what you're doing, okay? You know: f***ing around, f***ing anything that moves. Just stop it!

Cassie:
You started it!

Sid:
I don't care, I don't care! You're cruel! I hate you!

Cassie:
I hate you right back. Why don't you pop over to Michelle's and give her one? [mock surprise] Oh, another one!

Sid:
[annoyed] Just give it a f***ing rest, okay? You know, it's you and me. You know that, and you're being stupid!

Cassie:
My turn!

Sid:
You went away! Why did you go away? You know, I needed you, and you pissed off! My dad said... he said you're special, but you're not! You're just slutting around like a spoilt kid!

Cassie:
[singsong] Michelle, Sid, Michelle!

Sid:
I don't love Michelle! I never loved Michelle, I love you, but you-[sits down, and starts to cry] God, where were you? My dad f***ing died. [Cassie's guilt begins to show] I needed you. I mean, Michelle?... We had great sex for three days and guilty sex for the rest. So what? I don't care! I did it. I hate you. [gets up to leave] Fine, f*** fifteen year olds. Whatever. I'm sick of saying sorry. I love you. You say sorry.

Cassie:
[Realising he's talking about Effy's friend, Jake] I didn't f*** him, Sid. His mum had sewn his name into his trousers, and, well, he got a bit excited. And he squashed my slug. My slug called Sidley. So I threw him out.

[Sid and Cassie kiss]

Chris :
[Chris walks in] Look, if he's still bothering you, Cass,- [seeing them kiss] Oh... okay. Smokin'!

[Effy is talking to her art teacher, Madame de Luca, about her GCSE coursework.]

Effy:
[Referring to her efforts in getting Tony and Michelle, and Sid and Cassie back together] It's finished.

Madame de Luca:
Oh? Splendid. And what emotion have you depicted?

Effy:
Anger. Jealousy. Bitterness. Tiredness. Hope. Lust. Love.

Madame de Luca:
A veritable feast. So, where is it?

Effy:
It's everywhere.

Madame de Luca:
My dear girl, I'm not sure I understand.

Effy:
It's conceptual. You just can't see it.

Madame de Luca:
You're saying you haven't done it.

Effy:
No. I'm saying you can't see it.

Madame de Luca:
Well, I'm not quite sure that's going to work for the Anglo-Welsh GCSE board now, is it?

Effy:
No. I guess they'll just have to expel me. [grins mischievously] Goodbye, Madame de Luca.

Sid:
Is effy in?

Tony:
(Tony lets Sid in. closes door) upstairs.

Sid:
Ta

Tony:
You gonna nail my sister? is that it? first my girlfriend, then my sister?

Side:
No, I...(thinks) No!

Tony:
All right. Just asking.

Sid:
Nah, I'll wait till she's 16. Keep it legal, yeah? (walks away)

Cassie:
You can put any face behind a mask, but be careful.

Jal:
Why?

Cassie:
Because someone else might be pretending.

Cassie:
Okay. What do you have to say to me?

Sid:
Erm... I'm sorry I'm such a tit?

Cassie:
[smiles] No.

Sid:
My life never made any sense to me until I met you?

Cassie:
No.

Sid:
Um... I never really loved Michelle, and it was a terrible mistake. And I must have misheard her when she said that I was the best lay ever, and she really really wasn't that great in bed?

Cassie:
[slightly disturbed] No.

Sid:
[what she wants dawns on him] Good luck in your exam.

Cassie:
I'll love you forever, Sid.

Sid:
You will?

Cassie:
Yes. That's the problem.

Cassie:
Is it possible to truly enjoy power?

Lawes:
Sorry?

Cassie:
'S question three.

Lawes:
I'm not supposed to help you with your exam.

Cassie:
I stopped eating, and then everyone had to do what I said. That was powerful.

Lawes:
And did you enjoy that?

Cassie:
I think it was the happiest time of my life. But I had to stop before I died, because... otherwise it wasn't fun.... You wouldn't understand.

Lawes:
You're wrong, Cassie.

Cassie:
Did you cut yourself, too?

Lawes:
People will do anything to-- People will do anything to work out why they feel bad, won't they?

Cassie:
And did you? Work it out?

Lawes:
Like I said, I'm not supposed to help you with your exam.

Cassie:
I want you to tell me!

Lawes:
What?

Cassie:
How to stop bad things happening.

Lawes:
Doesn't work, does it? That's why you have to start eating again.

Cassie:
... I fell in love.

Lawes:
Ah, love. Why cut yourself when you can be in love?

Cassie:
You think passing an exam will make me happy?

Lawes:
Cassie, passing exams generally only makes life more complicated, but there's lots of other stuff that makes things bearable, and you don't even have to use a knife.

Cassie:
...Like?

Lawes:
Disco.

Cassie:
[talking to Sid in her bedroom] I don't know why I am the way I am.

Sid:
It's alright.

Cassie:
No, it's not alright. Something makes me hate everything. Everything. [happily] That's what I like about you, Sid. You never try to explain things.

Michelle:
I'm not saying forget about him [Chris], because you can't and you shouldn't. He was special. But I, I just think... F*** it.

Jal:
What?

Michelle:
Like Chris. He said f*** it, I'll do it my way. And the people that love me will understand why I'm doing it because they love me.

Jal:
I've been thinking about what Chris would have wanted me to say today. The advice he'd give me, which'd be something like, "Know what, babe? F*** it. These guys know all about me. Tell them about someone else." So I thought I'd tell you about a hero of Chris's: a man called Captain Joe Kittinger. In 1960, climbing into a foil balloon, Captain Joe ascended 32 kilometres into the stratosphere. And then, armed only with a parachute, he jumped out. He fell for four minutes and thirty-six seconds, reaching seven hundred and forty miles per hour before opening his parachute five kilometres above the Earth. It had never been done before, and it's never been done since. He did it just because he could. And that's why Chris loved him; because the thing about Chris was, he said yes. He said yes to everything. He loved everyone. And he was the bravest boy- man-I knew. And that was-he flung himself out of a foil balloon every day. Because he could. Because he was. And that's why-and that's why we loved him.

Sid:
The three of us. Together again. And we've all seen each other naked. [Michelle laughs a bit then looks disgusted] Which is... nice.

Sketch:
[About Anwar's two E's and a U grades] What grades did you need?

[Anwar looks at her as if she's stupid]

Sketch:
Have you ever played the five-year test?

Anwar:
What? No, I don't think so. It's not that wanking game, is it?

Sketch:
[chuckling at that last remark] Maxxie. Where do you think he'll be in five years time?

Anwar:
Easy. Dancing in a London show.

Sketch:
Jal?

Anwar:
Playing the clarinet in some really good orchestra.

Sketch:
Michelle?

Anwar:
Working some slick jobs in some fine suits.

Sketch:
Now you? Where do you see yourself in five years?

[Anwar is silent]

Sketch:
You haven't thought about it, have you?

Sid:
Where are we going, Tone?

Tony:
Oh... yeah. [hands Sid an envelope]

Sid:
What's this?

Tony:
Open it.

[Sid opens the envelope to find his passport and a plane ticket]

Sid:
New York? Why would I want to go to New York?

Tony:
She's thin. She's blonde. She says [spacey] "wow!" a lot.

Sid:
It's over Tone. Me and Cassie are done, you said so yourself.

Tony:
I always loved you the best, Sid.