Sledge Hammer!, Season 1

Newscaster:
Twelve hours have passed since the Mayor's daughter was first reported missing. The police now believe she was kidnapped, or is just very good at hiding.

Doreau:
This is the leader of the group, Weird Willard Luxley. Luxley's family was so certain their son would turn out rotten they put him up for adoption three years before he was born. This is Feliz Navidad, a fiery Latin revolutionary who illegally entered this country as Julio Iglesias. Lastly, we have former member Kurt Kruggle, a despicable pervert. First arrested five years ago for making love to a fire hydrant. An additional charge was brought against Kruggle for parking in front of it.

Doreau:
That man over there is a fiendish killer. Tied his dates to a magic fingers bed. Twelve women massaged to death.

Gumm:
How awful.

Doreau:
Made the Ten Most Wanted List. Also made Cosmo's Bachelor of the Month

Trunk:
Hammer, you don't seem to understand my dilemma. I've been fighting with the city hall for over two months now. They're talking about making cutbacks. The mayor is threatening this entire department. Do you understand what I am saying?

Hammer:
You want me to kill the mayor.

Sledge Hammer:
Hey, get back here! Don't you wanna finish the job? You lazy Commie! (after chasing off a foreign spy/assassin)

Hammer [answers phone] Second National Bank, hostage speaking.

Trunk:
Hammer, this is Trunk. Have they hurt anyone?

Hammer:
No.

Trunk:
Have you hurt anyone?

Hammer:
Not yet.

A crowd gathers near a building where a man on the ledge is threatening to jump

Dori:
I'll get a bullhorn and try to talk him down.

Hammer:
No, no, I can handle this.

Dori:
Hammer! [Hammer opens fire at the man, but missing and shooting off pieces of the ledge. The suicide jumper finally takes cover inside the building]

Hammer:
Another life saved and I still have one bullet left. Listen my bank is just around the corner, can we stop and I'll get some cash and then you can buy me breakfast.

Sledge:
You know, that's what I hate about newspapers in this country. They find out things, and then they write about them!

Collins:
Of all the officers I've recruited, there's something strangely appealing about you. I guess it's your callous disregard for human rights, your savage instinct, your chauvinism, your inability to treat women as equals.

Hammer:
Yeah, I'm quite a catch.

Hammer:
This is a precinct, not an encounter group. If a man and a woman have problems, they should settle them the way my wife and I did, with a divorce.

Hammer:
Doreau, what are you doing? Cops can't go around making promises they can't keep. That right is reserved for the President

Trunk:
Hammer, have you no compassion for what those people are going through?

Hammer:
Of course I do. I have suffered a sense of loss just like everyone else. I lost my luggage once. I was torn up about it for weeks.

Kenny:
You know, Inspector, in this business we call a show, contestants come and go, but Mel just wasn't a first name on a cheap tag. No, he had a last name too. What the hell was it?

Hammer:
You know, Captain, I never thought I'd go out like this. I always thought I'd live to see a nuclear war.

Trunk:
You've got forty-six minutes left. It could still happen.

Hammer:
Thanks, Captain.

Doreau:
Hammer, there's a report of gunfire in an apartment building a couple of blocks from here.

Hammer:
Who needs coffee? That'll get me revved up!

Doreau:
You know, Hammer, looking out for Mr. Yates really showed me that you're not all hostility and vengeance. Mostly. But not all.

Hammer:
That was reckless, it was careless, it was totally irresponsible. And I loved it.

Trunk:
I sent Hammer home early and I got rid of every scrap of paper with Hammer's name on it. That guy won't even know Hammer exists. I wish I could say the same.

Inspector Perkins:
Mr. Slag, I want to know if Inspector Hammer has mistreated you in any way.

[Slag holds up his hands, which are shackled]

Inspector Perkins:
What are these? Are these shackles really necessary?

Sledge Hammer:
I'm just trying to make his stay in Hotel Hammer a little more uncomfortable.

Inspector Perkins:
Remove these shackles.

Sledge Hammer:
You don't want me to remove them.

Inspector Perkins:
Inspector Hammer!

[Slag smirks and holds up his hands. Hammer sighs and unlocks the shackles]

Inspector Perkins:
There. Does that feel better, Slag?

[Slag immediately starts throttling Perkins. As he chokes and gasps, Hammer stands by calmly]

Sledge Hammer:
Just, uh, tell me if you want me to help you. You know, just say, "help me, Hammer" and I'll...

[He leans forward, as though trying to hear]

Inspector Perkins:
[manages to croak] Help.

[Hammer nods and draws his gun]

Sledge Hammer:
All right, heel, ratboy.

[Slag drops Perkins, and shrugs innocently]

Doreau:
In London the cops don't carry guns and criminals don't carry a gun. And London is a very safe city to live in.

Hammer:
Yeah. Especially if you're a crook, and you've got a gun.

Hammer:
This whole thing has just complete sapped my self-confidence. I'm not a man any more. I'm indecisive. Well, actually, I don't know, maybe I'm not. No, I, I... am.

Trunk:
Hammer, I haven't seen you this excited about TV since they colorized World War II footage.

Brianne O'Brian:
You've got a reputation as a hardliner. You've even been referred to as "The Hanging Judge." When did you get that name?

Judge Jackson:
At my baptism.

Brianne O'Brian:
We know how you feel about the death penalty. Where do you stand on the electric chair?

Judge Jackson:
Right next to the switch.

Doreau':
Hammer, I cannot believe what you're saying. Incarcerate potential criminals at birth? What are you going to do, throw them in a baby prison?

Hammer:
If they resist arrest.

Doctor:
I'm afraid that blow to Detective Doreau's head has caused a behavioral imbalance. She's become excessively violent, irrational, and dangerous.

Hammer:
That happened to me once. The day I was born.

Trunk:
Hammer! I want you and Doreau to come into the precinct immediately. And I want you to make sure she does not get killed. It's okay if you do.

Kruggle:
Listen, Hammer, I've got some information for you about that cat burglar, the one who's pulling off all those jewel robberies.

Hammer:
Hey, listen, forget it, okay. It's a sissy case.

Kruggle:
Oh yeah? Well, uh, he's suspected of shooting a cop.

Hammer:
There's a cat burglar who shot a cop. Now I'm mildly enraged.

Commissioner Holbestam:
Hammer, what do you have behind your back?

Hammer:
What? Oh, the bowling ball. Well, actually, there's a very simple explanation.

Trunk:
Yeah, he's found a new way to harm others.

Doreau:
Captain, I think we can get the professor to Springfield without using a plane. We'll use an alternative form of transportation that no one ever uses any more.

Hammer:
That's a good idea, Doreau. We'll take a stagecoach. I'll ride shotgun.

Doreau:
Captain, you don't seriously believe that Hammer shot Hugo Victor in cold blood, do you?

Trunk:
Doreau, what I can't believe is that Hammer shot him only once. Restraint is not one of Hammer's strong points.

Robin Leach:
Good evening, I'm Robin Leach. The producers of Sledge Hammer! have asked me to explain tonight's episode. Let me be frank, it is an attempt to boost the ratings. There are many ways to do this. Better scripts, more warmth, and big-name guest stars. But we're desperate. So in tonight's episode, we're going to rely on four sure-fire ratings grabbers. Sex, violence, rock music, and, best of all, a cliffhanger ending that will keep our viewers glued to the edge of their seats until next season, thus ensuring there will be a next season. Trust me, I know what I'm doing.

Trunk:
Hammer, I must congratulate you on apprehending those bank robbers. I just can't believe that you were able to get them to surrender their weapons by reading aloud from the collected works of Rob McKuen.

Doreau:
It's great.

Hammer:
You know, some of them were weeping openly. The truth is, poetry is more effective than tear gas.

Hammer:
TRUST ME I KNOW WHAT IM DOIng

Trunk:
HAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMER

When Hammer; Doreau; Trunk find the nuclear warhead; Trunk asks Hammer if he Knows what hes doing: