Spin City, Season Three

Crazy Zoo Guy:
actually they're sealions. Seals have more pronouced ear flaps.

Mike:
I woke up this morning with a hangover and a swore wrist.

Stuart:
Yeah, I've been there.

Mike:
Sir, we're going on a little earlier than we expected because the good samaritian of the year couldn't make it.

Mayor:
Why's that Mike?

Mike:
Well because he's in jail. Apparently he got all his good samartian juice from his cocain smuggling ring.

Mayor:
Ha this city... Somebody should do something.

Mayor:
(After looking at a picture of Mike kissing Heidi Klum's butt) This used to be my ass Flaherty.

Mike:
(Looking into a toilet) DUDE!

Mike:
(In a spacesuit, about to have sex with Heidi Klum) One small step for man, one giant... (stares at Heidi's breasts) Oh dear God, thank you. (jumps and floats in bed) The eagle has landed. (Heidi's bra, Mike's underwear, and a packet of condoms floats across the screen) Space is cool.

Stuart:
(Looking at a picture of James's aunt Sarah) Wow, she was a cow.

Nikki:
Stuart, very nice.

Stuart:
I'm serious, she was an actual cow.

[Mike and Carter are trying to shut off a fan in Paul's office]

Carter:
Go on without me!

Mike:
I'm not leaving you behind!

Carter:
You don't have a choice!

Mike:
Whatever may occur, I will find you!

Mike:
How many cigars equal a dead cow anyway?

Janelle:
Twelve.

James:
Look at me Mike. I'm twenty-six, I'm single..., and I'm holding the ashes of a dead cow

Mike:
(slapping Paul on the but) Way to go Paulie.

[Paul walks away]

Mike:
It's a lot firmer than you think.

Stuart:
: I take my coffee the way I take my women.

Stacy:
: Are you sure you want to pay $75 for a cup of coffee?

Janelle:
Look, do what I do. Picture Stuart as a new puppy. Is it helping.

Stacey:
Nope, still trying to hump my leg

[Mike aims and purposefully misses the adult deer]

Nolan:
Wow. I didn't even see that one. We don't usually shot babies but that was a hell of a shot. (laughs)

Carter:
Mike, shouldn't we wear the oranges?

Mike:
Oh, forget the oranges.

[Mike opens the door and a gunshot is heard]

Mike:
Let's orange up.

[Mike and Carter have taken the wounded deer to a hospital]

Doctor:
what are you doing, that is a deer

Mike:
Oh darn, that means I’ve got Ed strapped to the roof of my car

[Filling out patient admission forms at the hospital for the deer]

Carter:
Blood type?

Mike:
Deer? [off Carter’s look] Deer negative.

Carter:
‘Relationship to patient’ oh that’s easy: Assassin!

Mike:
Listen Carter, I may have shot him, but you ate his mother!

Deidre:
[Meeting Carter and Rags for the first time] Right, you're the gay guy. [She opens her robe, flashing him] So this means nothing to you? [Carter stares in shock and covers Rags' eyes]

Mike:
Paul, ever since you got married, you have been nothing but excuses

Paul:
Well that's not true!

Mike:
Paul, you've been married five months, you've celebrated your anniversary seven times!

Paul:
Mike, Claudia needs me.

Mike:
I need you!

Paul:
Claudia depends on me.

Mike:
I depend on you!

Paul:
Claudia gives me sweet lovin'.

Mike:
......I depend on you!

[James is in a Michael Jackson costume and Carter walks in with his costume covered in a coat cover]

Carter:
(sees James and tosses his costume to the floor) DAMN IT!

[Stuart is wearing a Bill Clinton mask]

Stuart:
(in a Bill Clinton like voice) Deny, deny, deny.

[Mike and Carter are looking for Councilman Pete]

Carter:
(in a bunny suit) Mike, hurry up!

Mike:
I can't run in this suit!

[Mike runs into a phone booth and changes into a Superman costume]

[Mike is sitting on the Mayor's lap]

Mayor:
(in a Santa suit) Well, young man, what do you want for Christmas?

Mike:
Uh, my dignity back.

Lloyd and Carter:
(together) You're disgusting.

Alfred and Stuart" (together) Bite me.

[Carter is having a dream about the future]

Old Stuart:
Long time no see. How old are you now?

Mike:
(Looks exactly the same) Eighty-eight.

Stuart:
You know who I can't believe is still alive?

Carter:
Who? Ha.

[Camera shows Rags sitting on a chair]

Carter:
I don't get this rock-papers-scissor. Why does paper beat rock?

Paul:
It just does!

Carter:
Why don't you grab a piece of paper, I get a rock, we'll meet at the playground and then let's see what beats what!

Mike:
Was there a reason why you would do this to me?

Stuart:
Did you not strut down a runway in a 300-pound fat-suit?

Mike:
Yeah.

Stuart:
Then I don't understand the question...

Mike:
On that note, I found this while I was accidentally...rifling through your desk. (Reading personal ad) "Divorced male seeks special lady for romance." Sir, you can't submit a personal ad.

Mayor Winston:
You think that's me?

Mike:
[Reading personal ad] "6'4, salt and pepper hair.....Mayor of New York."

The Mayor and team are on a stakeout in a police van

Mayor:
What sort of action are we tracking?

Carter:
Sir, this area is dominated by the world's oldest profession.

Mayor:
[nods] Bankers.

Mike is listing sexual harassment items against Stuart

Mike:
Item 10: Inappropriate use of the word "mount". Item 11: Pushing the elevator button without using his hands. (pause) What floor?

Stuart:
3rd

Mike:
That's not bad.

Mayor:
I complimented Judge Stenciler's mustache today.

Janelle gasps

Mayor:
I know... She was not happy.

Janelle is walking in on the Mayor, Paul, and Carter practicing the waltz

Janelle:
With the new security cameras, I'll bet some guard is getting a kick out of this.

Guard (sitting in the security cam room):
Shake it, fellas. Shake it.

Mike:
So - has anybody felt harassed by Stuart?

Paul:
Stuart has been publishing naked pictures of me to the internet!

Mike:
That's not harassing you, Paul, that's harassing the internet.

Marie:
I don't know what it is about you, James, there's something about you. You just seem so, so old....so mature.

James:
Maybe that's because you teach 4th grade.

Stuart and Diedre is having a fight, after their break-up

Stuart:
I slept with your sister!

Dierdre:
I was there, you idiot!

Mike:
This is like stepping back in time.

Owen:
The past is prologue, Michael. Men like us have to keep looking to the future.

Mike:
What the hell are you talking about?

Owen:
I don't know.

Mike:
(reading Owen's list)Things to do: Banish Satan and the forces of Evil; build the New Jerusalem; buy milk...

Owen:
Damn! I always forget the milk!

James Hobert:
"My Great Uncle had a ticket on the titanic actually, at the last second he decided not to go on"

Nikki Faber:
"Wow, lucky guy"

James Hobert:
"No, no, on the way home he got hit by a milk truck. If only he'd gotten on that damn boat"

Stuart:
Come on, its my bet. Paul, I said its my bet

Paul:
(Looking at James' cards) Did I ever tell you guys about my friend Pete? He's got two houses in Queens.

Stuart:
I'll see your $10, and raise you $20.

Mike:
I don't know if its me or the barely brew talking, but I'm out too

James:
I have nothing.

James:
Wait, you can do that?? I'm in

Stuart:
Paul, I can't decide whether I should stay in or not

Paul:
Correction, he's got THREE houses in Queens, an ace of a guy....and a seven