Spin City, Season Two

Mike:
(to the porn actresses) I'm Deputy Mayor Michael Flaherty, and I'm going to pretend I don't know who any of you are.

Mike:
(to Stuart) Ok, Stuart. Inside that is some of the biggest names in the porn business. Your heroes.

Carter:
Can't you tell if a man is handsome?

Stuart:
Huh, nice try.

Nikki:
I can't get from ESPN to the Comedy Channel without some big penis waving in my face.

James:
Where are you watching television?

Mayor:
(reading cue cards) Good afternoon, all. I want to start out with a personal outrage that has been going on too long. Public access... (switches cards) ...pornography.

Mike:
(to James) You want to work on where you break those cards.

Mayor:
(reading cue cards) I just want to make sure that material with graphic sexual content is available and seen... (switches cards) ...only by those people who specifically want to see it.

Mike:
(to James) Ok, you did that one on purpose.

Mike:
(on the porn industry) Is lack of exposure really a problem for them?

Mike:
I have a penis.

Nikki:
Don't make me get my purse.

Drew West:
So, Randy, what was the deal with your book signing? I heard the only person that show up was your ex-wife and she just wanted directions to my book signing. See, she already knows the way to my house.

Mayor Winston:
Yes, well, Helen always did love doing charity work.

Drew West:
Oh, I think I just got slammed by the Mayor

Mayor Winston:
Helen used to love that too

Janelle Cooper:
Ok, you first

Nikki Faber:
Four seasons, silk sheets, champagne, he's wearing his uniform

Janelle Cooper:
Secluded beach, full moon, he's wearing his uniform

Stacy Paterno:
Right here, right now, I'M wearing his uniform

Paul:
When I bite into a York peppermint patty...I get shot.

Stacey:
I can tell when people are lying. It's a gift.

James:
You know, I have a friend who can do the same thing.

Stacey:
No you don't.

Stuart:
Why wouldn't you ask me to look after The Mayor's daughter?

Mike:
Same reason they don't give guns to monkeys

Mike:
As my assistant, occasionally you may need to assist me.

Stacey:
Every time I throw a Christmas party, someone dies.

Janelle:
I guess every family has their traditions.

Paul:
So to sum up ladies and gentlemen...I don't know

James:
Every year, my mom makes a whole Nativity scene out of candy. (picks up a piece) Chocolate Jesus.

Carter:
James, please. At work, just call me Carter.

Nikki:
Do you not have an ounce of Christmas Spirit in you?

Stuart:
Well, Joseph was about 3 ounces.

Mayor:
I'm going to stand here and read this story to the city, because I want all the children out there to believe in the magic of (reading speech) Satan.

Mike:
That's Santa. It's a typo.

James:
You wait until there's something important to you and i eat it.

Mike:
The Mayor is a man of great vision

Mayor:
(Walks out of sauna with steamed up glasses) I can't see

Mike:
[Tossing a bunch of towels into the sauna] Here are your towels!

Stuart:
[From inside the sauna] We don't need them!

Stacy:
STUART!

Mayor:
(to Mike whose pen has leaked in his mouth when he was chewing on it) Your mouth is blue. Did you have a snow cone?

Carter:
(about a giant statue giving the finger) Mike, its huge! Where can we put it?

Mayor:
How about my ex-wife's lawn?

Mike:
(on delaying the funeral) A couple more hours wouldn't kill her ... again.

Mike:
I understand. People are very excited to start mourning.

Mike:
Or maybe she was just there to remind us that blowing your hair in the bathtub isn't a good idea.

Mike:
Well, it's not all bad news.

Paul:
How could you say that?

Mike:
Well, for starters, it's not all my fault anymore.

Nikki:
I am not gonna do that unless he wakes up.

Stuart:
Ladies and gentlemen, Nikki's only rule of dating.

Claudia:
There was corpse at my wedding!

Stuart:
Hey, I know Paul's not an exciting guy...

Father Larry:
Now Paul, your vows are to 'love Claudia, and to lose five pounds'?

Paul:
Well, I wanted to combine my vows and New Year's resolutions.

Paul:
(on Mike taking over) Are you sure this is legal?

Mike:
What, are you wearing a wire?

Stuart:
(after putting a sandwich in the poor box) What? If they're poor, they're hungry.

Carter Haywood:
Well, I do have another idea, but its a little far fetched.

Mike Flahrety:
I don't care, I'm desperate

Carter Hayward:
All right, you're gonna have to get your hands on a time machine

Mike Flahrety:
Is it so hard for you woman to pick up the phone?