Still Game, Season 1

Winston:
[To the neds] I'll get my grandson, Joe, here on ye.

Neds:
Ooooh.

Winston:
He's a boxer.

Ned:
Aye, I can tell that, taking all those boxes intae the shop.

[Neds laugh]

Winston:
His hands are classed as dangerous weapons.

Ned 2:
Are your specs classified an' awe'? Ya specky auld bastard.

Jack:
Do you mind what this place used tae be like when they built it at first? "Craiglang: developing for the future".

Victor:
Aye, aye. "Craiglang: modernity beckons".

Jack:
"Craiglang: tomorrow's already here."

Victor:
Craiglang....

Both:
Shitehole!

Victor:
Consider this: Yir warm noo, but how's it gaun'ae be in a wee stoany jail cell, with nothing to heat ye up, but a hot boabie - RIGHT up yir arse!

Jack:
He must have died, then they cut his phone aff...cause he didnae pay his bill...cause he cudnae...cause he was deid.

[Jack and Victor are on a double date at The Clansman. Jack's date is a rather attractive older woman; Victor's is a rather squat woman with unkempt hair and buck teeth.]

Winston:
Hello, lads.

Jack:
Hi, Winston.

Winston:
And hello, ladies. I'm Winston.

Barbara:
Hello, Winston.

Jack:
Are you still barred?

Winston:
Aye. Here, which one of you two unlucky bastards is saddled with the munchkin?

Victor:
Right, that's it!

Jack:
Where are you going?

Victor:
Home! I'm no' sitting in my local with that thing, Jack!

Jack:
Oh, that's just perfect! You're going AWOL and leaving me with these two women?

Victor:
I only saw one woman, Jack! I don't know what that other one is!

Winston:
A munchkin, sure.

Jack:
Shut up!

Jack:
[Making phrases to win a scone competition] Where's my scone? Where's my scone? Ah there it is, next to the phone!

Victor:
A scone and tea at half past three, makes the day a little brighter. So you can keep your cakes and fancy tarts....

Jack and Victor:
...and stick them up your shiter.

Tam:
Fire. Man's oldest flame.