Strangers with Candy, Season 2

Dr. Williams:
Let me welcome you to the kickoff of Flatpoint's Career Week! I'm Dr. Rachel Williams, supermodel, and I'm here to talk to you about making your dreams a reality. When I was a student at Flatpoint, I was confused until a modeling agent told me what my dreams were. And so can you! Just ask yourself, what do you want to do?

Student 1:
I want to be a fireman.

Student 2:
I want to be an arsonist.

Student 3:
I want to be a gangsta with a crew, and knee deep in bitches.

Jerri:
I'd like to root in her cellar. Mmmpphh!

Dr. Williams:
Now, are there any questions I have the ability to answer?

[Everyone in the audience raises their hands.]

Dr. Williams:
Thank you.

Dr. Iris Puffybush:
Dreams are a great thing, but you know something? They take a lot of energy. But that's OK. There's a job waiting for you down the block from your house that doesn't require a thought in your head or a hope in your heart. So come on down and work for the artificial flower factory. Why fight it? OK? Thank you.

Jerri:
I'm confused. Dreams....What are mine?

Noblet:
I don't know, Jerri. It's your future. What do you want to do in the future?

Jerri:
Go to my locker.

Noblet:
I mean way down the line, Jerri. I want you to think far into the future. What are you going to do?

Jerri:
Open it.

Jellineck:
My whole teaching career is a farce, wrapped in a masquerade, smothered in a facade frosting.

Jellineck:
I was a complete zero, Jerri.

Jerri:
And now?

Jellineck:
Well, and now you can multiply that zero by a hundred!

Jerri:
Wow, that must be a lot.

Noblet:
Why are you pushing me away?

Jellineck:
I'm not pushing you away. I'm pulling me towards myself.

Jerri:
That's it, Orlando, that's what I want to be! A robot!

Jerri:
Cancer. That's hilarious.

Jerri:
It must be nice to hope for the thing you wish to want. Sure beats doing it!

Derrick:
Let's go watch some gay porn so we can get our hate back.

Sara:
This has nothing to do with you, Alan. We just need to talk about you someplace where you can't hear us.

[Principal Blackman leads the team in prayer before the big game.]

Blackman:
Dear Lord, thank you for giving this game your undivided attention. We'll try to be brief so you can return your energies to the movement of the stars and the condemnation of the Jews. Please hand us an easy victory. I'm not saying that if we lose we'll turn away. But do you really want to take that risk? And finally, just as you cured the blind, thank you for curing this team of the blind. Oh, and, uh, forgive me for that thing I did with the thing. Amen.

Jerri:
I hope you're all happy, keeping Alan off the team. Couldn't you, for once, open your minds and hearts and hear something that he couldn't see? I, for one, am glad that Alan is blind, so he can't see what, I am so sad to say, you can't hear.

Blackman:
You must be about as worn out as a hooker on VJ Day.

Jerri:
Drake! Why did you spread those vicious lies?

Drake Rogers:
'Cause you didn't spread those vicious thighs.

Tammi:
I've got something that boys want and they can't have it.

Jerri:
Really? How about girls?

Tammi:
What?

Jerri:
Nothing. Just testing the waters.

Jerri:
The ways of love are a mystery to me. The feeling of man's pelvis pounding against your haunches as you lie bent over a beer-soaked pool table grasping for leverage. And the endless jackhammer action turns you into a quivering mound of oozing pleasure.

Tammi:
Are you thinking about having sex already?

Jerri:
Does a pimp carry a razor?

Tammi:
I don't know!

Jerri:
Trust me, they all do.

Jerri:
Boy am I thirsty. I'm gonna go get a hot dog.

Jerri:
[to hot dog vendor] Drown it in salt, and don't skimp on the bacon bits. [pause] Today.

Jerri:
[to hot dog vendor] Drown it in salt, and don't skimp on the bacon bits. [pause] Today.

Tammi:
I don't mean to seem insensitive, but wasn't your father torn to shreds by wild dogs?

Jerri:
[on her father's death] Maybe I am in denial... unless of course, he's alive!

Sara:
I do appreciate your lovely sentiments, Mr. Blackman, but I should tell you that Guy's last wish was that "no darkies" attend his wake.

Jellineck:
I was just pawing at your dead father a moment ago and it really helped.

Jerri:
You know, I think I saw him today. He was waiting for a bus and I screamed, "Daddy! Daddy! You're not dead!" But I think he had to go somewhere, because he ran away really fast.

Cassie Pines:
Naturally, as student counselor my first responsibility is to the teachers.

Cassie Pines:
Just because your dad was killed in some freak accident nobody can have one!? Well, I'll tell you something. My daddy's alive and yours is dead and ain't nothing gonna change that!

Blackman:
[upon walking into the cafeteria] Good Lord! Is this where they eat?! Tell me this is some kind of holding cell for miscreants.

Blackman:
Noblet... why are you crying? It's only a melon. Just a lonely melon... no other melons around, not a patch in sight. What's it doing out here? And why is it carrying a picnic basket with two of everything: two portobella mushroom sandwiches, two macaroons... Who would abandon a faceless melon? Can you imagine how that melon must've felt, Noblet? Can you imagine?

Blackman:
If one of my teachers loses his face, I lose face!

Blackman:
[excusing himself from Jellineck's bedside in the hospital] I've got to go see a student in the maternity ward.

Noblet:
[weeping wretchedly] Those lips! Oh, those pillowy lips!

Blackman:
Don't make me put my rings on!

Blackman:
Block the door with your budding femininity!

Blackman:
[to students visiting Jellineck] Do not cry out in terror if you gaze upon the grossly misshapen mass that was once his head. Act natural. No matter how strongly your monkey reflexes might kick in telling you to flee in terror. Now, I'll go see if he's ready. [Blackman goes into Jellineck's ward] Sweet Jesus, protect me!

Noblet:
All right, anyone who doesn't not want to avoid passing the midterm exam, raise your hand now. [Pause. Several hands go up hesitantly.] Okay. Those of you who raised your hands will fail, as you requested.

Jerri:
Maybe it's time to stop not doing what you pretended you can do and can't, and start doing the thing that you can't do, but can no longer pretend that you can.

Blackman:
I'm an obtuse man, so I'll try to be oblique. Your illiteracy has made me the whipping boy of this school district. I attended the school board meeting this morning, and they all had their little laugh. It was a feeding frenzy of cackling hyenas, and I was the wildebeest carcass.

Jerri:
[to her pretend husband] You don't wanna beat me or screw me!? What kind of marriage is this? Bring a book.

Jellineck:
GODDAMMIT! You're picking at my brain like a jackal!

Jerri:
What's it like being a whore? Wait a minute, I know that one.

Jerri:
Hello, ladies, what are you doing?

Popular girl:
We were just wondering why you'd come talk to us.

Jerri:
I want to know what plans you have for Fri-Sat-Sund.

Popular girl:
Well, first we're going to avoid you. Then after that we thought we'd shun you and then we're going to a party. Hey! Why don't you not come with us!

Sara:
Oh Jerri, I didn't know you were coming home this early. We would've left sooner.

Jerri:
Where are we going?

Sara:
Well, if by "we" you mean Derrick and I, the answer is a family getaway to Good Time Island!

Jerri:
[excited] Good Time Island?!

Sara:
Oh, did I remember not to tell you?

Derrick:
Check it out, troll--An all-access pass with full release!

Jerri:
I'll go pack my things!

Sara:
Oh, I'm sorry, Jerri, you know the car only has room for four and we already have two. Oh and if you get hungry later, um, eat something.

[Jerri is puzzling over what to do next.]

Jerri:
I know! I'll feed my baby... Oh, that's right. My baby's an imaginary creation to fight the ravages of loneliness.

Rebecca:
My name's Rebecca. What's yours, Jerri?

Jerri:
Jerri. What's yours, Rebecca?

Rebecca:
Rebecca.

Jerri:
What kind of place is this?

Rebecca:
Oh, it's just a collective cooperative community service operation outreach program project.

Jerri:
Okay, as long as you're not a cult.

Jerri:
So where are we? I must've fallen asleep after you slipped me those pills and put on that blindfold.

Jerri:
Maybe I should head home.

Rebecca:
Home to what, Jerri? A family that doesn't care and friends who don't love you?

Jerri:
Well, technically, it's my friends who don't care and my family that doesn't love me.

Jerri:
I wanna go home!

Father:
Fine. You're not a prisoner here. There are no bars on our electrified fences. We don't have attack dogs in our alligator-infested swamps surrounding this compound.

[Noblet attempts to infiltrate the cult to gain information on where Jerri is.]

Noblet:
[casually] So, what are you selling here?

Cult member:
Flowers. Do you need someone to love you?

Noblet:
[breaking down instantly] Oh God, yes, desperately! I'm so lonely!

Cult member:
Would you like to come with us?

Noblet:
I'll go anywhere you want and do anything you say! Just love me. Oh, I should tell you, I'm a plant. They're watching us. [points to where Blackman, Jellineck and Orlando are hiding] We're looking for Jerri. I'm her teacher and that's her principal - they don't know anything about love.

Cult member:
I don't think you can come with us.

Noblet:
What? No! Please! I need you!

Blackman:
[yelling] Noblet! What are you doing?!

Noblet:
I'm sorry. I just wasn't prepared for that kind of onslaught.

Blackman:
In order to enhance your individuality to conformity, I'm instituting a dress code based on your own requests that I imagine you would have requested had I asked for your requests.

Jerri:
I poisoned all the grain and the water. We'll be ready to kill ourselves when the devil's henchmen come on the day of judgement.

Father:
But that's the only food we have! What are we supposed to eat now?!

Jerri:
All the other only food we have.

Jellineck:
Mrs. Blank, I think it's time someone who truly loves her try to reach her.

Sara:
No, I think I should.

[Jellineck attempts to deprogram Jerri.]

Jellineck:
Hey, Jerri! I know you're in there. Listen, I have no idea what you went through. I don't have any answers, I'm not acting in your best interests. Why won't you trust me?

Jerri:
I wanna go back! Those people care about me!

Jellineck:
Yes, maybe that's true. But do they care about me? I don't think so. Do you see the flaw in your logic now?

Jerri:
No.

Jellineck:
Agh! I can't reach her! She's lost in some frightening world that isn't centered around me!

Jellineck:
Perhaps Chuck could get through to her. He was in the cult for 45 seconds, he knows.

Noblet:
I'll try, but we'll need to be alone.

Blackman:
All right, everybody out.

[Everybody else exits, leaving Noblet alone with Jerri.]

Noblet:
Thank you. Thank you. [waits until everybody has left, then turns quickly to Jerri] Okay, Jerri, let's go!

Jerri:
Where?

Noblet:
[tugging on her arm] Back to the cult!

Jerri:
How?

Noblet:
[opening the furnace] Through the furnace and then out through the air shaft!

Jerri:
We'll burn to death!

Noblet:
Father will protect us! Where is your faith, woman?!

Jerri:
Greeks are just Jews without the money.

Jerri:
I'm floating down a hallway

Jerri:
and i'm naked

Jerri:
and its me but its not really me because i'm watching me walk naked

Jerri:
and then suddenly i'm falling off a cliff

Jerri:
and before i hit the bottom, i wake up