Strangers with Candy, Season 3

Dr. Zorders:
Jerri, I have some bad news. You have syphilis.

Jerri:
No!

Dr. Zorders:
Not only that, it appears your syphilis is infested with crabs that are carrying gonorrhea. Don't you use condoms?

Jerri:
Look, doc, I go all natural. That's why my prices are so high.

Dr. Zorders:
That's pretty irresponsible. But, thanks to Penicillin, there's no need to act responsible. Penicillin is nature's condom!

Dr. Zorders:
Jerri, you're not hearing what I'm saying.

Jerri:
Oh, that's okay, Doc, 'cause you're not saying what I'm hearing.

Jerri:
Do a lot of the people die of syphilis?

Noblet:
Oh, absolutely. Historically, syphilis is right up there with Germans. It wiped out the Romanovs, it decimated our fleet at Pearl Harbor, and of course, Fidel Castro impersonated Marilyn Monroe and gave President Kennedy a case of syphilis so severe that eventually it blew the back of his head off.

Jerri:
How was the city of Pompeii lost?

Jellineck:
No one knows. It was buried under tons of lava, which of course destroyed all the records.

Jellineck:
We'll go on a hunger strike!

Jerri:
Both of us?

Jellineck:
Yeah! You won't eat and I won't feed you!

Jerri:
Orlando, you can't be a pilgrim. The pilgrims had snowy white skin to match their pure Christian souls. They didn't sacrifice coconuts to their monkey gods.

Jerri:
I'm not adopted and I'm not an Indian. It's just a coincidence that I have a love of gambling and booze and a knack for catching syphilis.

Blackman:
[to Stew] Are you insane in the membrane?

Noblet:
Hey, mister, eyes on your own test.

Student:
But we're not taking a test.

Noblet:
I can fix that right now. Okay, everybody get out a piece of paper! Hey, don't get angry with me, blame Mister Nosy-Eyes here. Question number one: Explain Western history. Be specific; support your answer.

Jerri:
Have you seen my mother?

Stew:
Which one? The real one, the dead one, or the one I'm having sex with?

[At the make-out party.]

Blackman:
Maybe you care to partner up. I happen to know plenty of mature, eligible men.

Sara:
That's a very kind offer, Principal, but I strongly oppose racial commingling.

Blackman:
I'm with you 100 percent, except, of course, for my uncontrollable desire for middle-aged white women.

Jerri:
I've recently learned something about self-respect... I don't have any.

Noblet:
You're new here, so let me lay it down for ya. I run a pretty tight ship around here. That's why the students call me "The Hammer".

Orlando:
We don't call you that.

Noblet:
Shut up.

Jellineck:
I'm a pacifist. I pass a fist.

Jellineck:
Some have called me a coward, but others have called me a pussy. Understand?

Coach Wolf:
Today as you can see we're having class in the gym. It's important to keep a trim figure through exercise, starving yourself, and later: plastic surgery. OK, why don't you all uh.. wander around without any supervision and acquaint yourselves with some of this dangerous equipment.

Noblet:
As it is the end of our school year, I thought it would be be-hoovy if I used my final lesson to talk about eschatology, or the study of the end of things. Now, I asked my lover, Mr. Jellineck, to make some transparencies.

Jellineck:
He's just kidding, we're not lovers. We just have sex.

Noblet:
Hot, ass-thumping sex.

Fran:
The only reason you're cool is that you're a little satellite circling the planet Frosty. Surface temperature: zero degrees Franenheit.

Fran:
Look Jerri, as long as you're with me, you'll never go bad, because I've got you stored in my crisper, and the refrangerator is always dialed up to 9.

Fran:
Jerri, you're going to have to choose whether to stay here and be uncool in loser-land or to follow me into Frantarctica!

Blackman:
Lead on, you stupid junkie whore!

Minister Arsenew:
[puzzling over Jerri's nude self-portrait] It looks like two longshoremen fighting over a squirrel.

Jerri:
Extra, extra, read all about it. Jerri Blank pops stiffy!