Thank God You're Here, Series 2

Ensemble:
I wanted to go to the toilet, do you know what the waiter said? It's closed for the winter.

Anh Do:
Well don't you know if you go when it's to cold it can damage your bits.

Ensemble:
The health inspector is here what should I tell him?

Anh:
Tell him not to pee because it's to cold.

Ensemble:
Please state your names.

Anh:
Sir Michael with the big sword.

Tony Martin:
Sir Guy of Sebastian.

Hamish Blake:
Darren the Nitpicky, and it's an oval table not a round table, I'm a bit dissapointed.

Cal Wilson:
Sir Lady Brian the Boy of Lady.

Ensemble:
You are going to fight the enemy territory of...

Tony:
Mulgrave.

Ensemble:
What are you fighting for?

Tony:
Ah... Brasher's record voucher.

Ensemble:
Do you have anything that's low fat?

Dailan Evans:
(Laughs.) You're jokin' aren't ya, um I mean yep yes we do, ahhh we have a straw.

Andrew Bayly:
We were watching television when we heard a screech of tyres and a bang!

Matthew Newton:
Yeah, that was me!

Heidi:
Are you a learner driver?

Matthew Newton:
[holding up an L-plate] Nah, I'm a legend!

Nicola Parry:
[as Michelle, Bob's wife] I feel like we are drifting apart. There's no communication. He's always out with his mates or at home drinking in front of the television.

Heidi Arena:
[As a marriage guidance counselor] How do you respond to that, Gary?

Bob Franklin:
That's a problem, apparently. Make of that what you will.

Heidi:
How would you describe your love life?

Bob:
I think it's terrific! It's a shame Michelle isn't involved in it.

Hamish Blake:
[as a pharmaceutical doctor, asked to come up with a slogan] No more gas, it's a flact.

Josh Lawson:
Thank God you're here, I was knocking for hours!

Josh:
If you are a barbecue out there, I think it's very important to know that you will be caught at some stage.

Andrew G:
I am Sister Andrea the Ever-So Chaste.

Josh:
I am Sister Beyonce the Jiggy.

Jo Stanley:
I am Sister 2 Sister, the Pop Group.

Alan Brough:
I'm Sister Bob...the gassy.

Daniel Cordeux:
Can you give me one good reason why this city needs you?

Tony Martin:
[As "Flashman"] No, not one good reason but, three good reasons. [pause] Maybe just the one would be good though in this instance.

(hooter)

[As part of a "During the Week" segment about cooking]

Ensemble:
Jerry, you must be very excited because you just opened your new restaurant.

Tony Martin:
[As a chef] I know and I'm a dentist!

Ensemble:
Tell me one domestic cleaning duty you've done since you moved in here.

Arj Barker:
I emptied the trash on my Macintosh.

Ensemble:
You bought us some food but, hot dogs? We're vegetarians!

Arj Barker:
Well, put some lettuce on it!

Ensemble:
For those who haven't seen this show, how would you best describe "A Town in the Valley"?

Tahir Bilgic:
[looks at audience] Who hasn't seen this show? Get out! I think it's a drama/comedy. We're trying to be dramatic but, we're poor actors.

Heidi Arena:
[As a parent, at a parent-teacher interview] How's Chris doing in school?

Merrick Watts:
[As the teacher] He's doing very good. He's a very bright kid, isn't he?

Heidi Arena:
Chris is a girl.

Merrick Watts:
But, he looks like a boy.

Heidi Arena:
You've also given her an "A" in French.

Merrick Watts:
Yes, very good. "A" is the highest mark I give.

Heidi Arena:
She doesn't do French.

Merrick Watts:
But, when she did, she was an "A".

Daniel Cordeux:
What is going on here?

Tony Martin:
[As a SWAT officer] Renovation Rescue!

Nicola Parry:
Ken, we here that one lucky punter has walked away with $50,000. How did they manage that?

Hamish Blake:
Yeah, I was rapt, I mean, we don't know who it is. Don't know who it was and we don't definitely don't have any inside information so, good on them and no investigation needed.

Interviewer:
What will your tactics be for the race?

Tony Martin:
[As a Jockey] I'll be attempting to go the other way around the track to confuse the other horses.