The Andy Griffith Show

Barney:
Wanted posters came in, Andy.

Andy:
Oh, good. File 'em, will you, Barn?

Barney:
(reading posters) Let's see what we got here. "Henry 'Shopping Bag' Leonetti. Grand Larceny; $4,000 reward." "Max 'The Tongue' Rasmussen. Grand Theft Auto; reward $1,500." "Benjamin Schuster, alias Benjy Schus, alias Benny Schut. Forgery; reward $3,000." You know what this means, Andy?

Andy:
What?

Barney:
8,500 American silver cartwheels right in our hands; only one small hitch.

Andy:
We don't know where they are.

Barney:
Right!

Andy:
Well, no wonder it's quiet in town; the whole population's in here!

Barney:
Yeah, like I promised you, Sheriff. Law and order kept in Mayberry this here day!

Andy:
It must've been kept more this here day than all the other days put together![1]

Barney:
I had them, Andy! I had them all dead to rights! You can check the manual! Every one of them was as guilty as sin!

Andy:
Listen to me, Barney. Listen to me just a minute. Now it's true you had them all dead to rights by the book. But now if you went strictly by the book, why I don't reckon we'd have anything in this country but about 180 million jailbirds.

Barney:
Yeah; I guess you're right. I was just trying to show you how much you could trust me.

Andy:
I know you did, and I appreciate that, but maybe you tried just a bit too hard.

Mayor Pike:
Oh, it's an outrage, Sheriff! That's what it is! An outrage!

Andy:
What'd you do? Drop a net over the whole town?

Barney:
Just about! [chuckles]

Otis:
Well, now; maybe I didn't see that there line because I wasn't wearing my specs. Drunk or sober, I can't tell nothin' much without my glasses.

Andy:
Well, were you drunk when Deputy Fife arrested you?

Otis:
I can't tell! I wasn't wearing my glasses!

Andy:
I'm afraid I'm going to have to dismiss him, Barney. You can go, Otis.

Otis:
Thanks, Andy.

Aunt Bee:
I was standing in front of the courthouse chatting with a group of ladies.

Barney:
Now that's unlawful assemblage in my book!

Andy:
Well...

Barney:
I asked them to move along, but Aunt Bee kept right on talking! So I asked her again, and she said, "Stop interrupting!" Then another lady opened her umbrella; now that's inciting a riot!

[The people laugh.]

Andy:
Well, now, Barney, you could have overlooked it, seeing as how the women always do congregate in front of the courthouse down here, and seeing as how it was Aunt Bee...

Aunt Bee:
Oh, overlook, nothing! He was too busy yelling, "There will be no favoritism in Barney Fife's administration!"

[The people laugh.]

Opie:
Are you going to fingerprint me, Barney?

Aunt Bee:
Oh, don't joke, honey! He's liable to send you up to state prison!

[The people laugh again as Aunt Bee and Opie exit the courthouse.]

Clarabelle Morrison:
Oh, look; there's the Sheriff. Good.

Jennifer Morrison:
Let's go in!

Clarabelle:
Jennifer! You will be the death of me yet! How many times must I tell you? A lady never goes into a barber shop!

Jennifer:
I'm sorry, Clarabelle; I keep forgetting. It's just that the odor of witch hazel atones me.

Clarabelle:
Jennifer, you have got to control yourself!

Jennifer:
But we've got to tell the Sheriff what we know.

Clarabelle:
Well, we will. We'll wait outside for him.

Andy:
"Call the man!" - Andy Taylor, after the freezer went out at home and Aunt Bee needed a place to keep her meat.

Andy:
"You beat everything Barney, you know that?" Andy to Barney Season 3 Episode 6

Andy:
"But don't the trees sound nice and full?" Andy referring to the birds Opie has just let go. In 'Opie:The Birdman'.

Andy:
"You look good enough to take to Chinatown!" (referring to Aunt Bee) in Season 5, Episode 5

Andy:
"Well, you and Aunt Bee is havin' fried chicken. And, I'm having crow..." [in answer to Opie's questions what's for dinner after Andy realized he was terribly in the wrong about something he thought Opie did].

Barney Fife:
Here at THE ROCK, we have two basic rules. The first rule is: OBEY ALL RULES. Secondly: Do not write on the walls, as takes a lot of work...to erase writing...OFF of walls. Now as we tell all men when these doors shut behind them, you are starting a new life. If you are wise, you'll begin rehabilitation.

Barney Fife:
Jay walking is rampant!

Barney Fife:
Of course you smell gas. What do you think this car runs on, coal?

Barney Fife:
Deputy Barney Fife: Nip it! Nip it in the bud!

Barney Fife:
"You got to spend a quid and some bobs to get anything good these days." Barney talking with Andy and Malcom Merriwether in 'The Return of Malcom Merriwether'.

Barney Fife:
"Well, where there's smoke there's firewater." Barney to Andy in 'Aunt Bee's Medicine Man.'

Barney Fife:
"Maybe this will explain why Aunt Bee's feeling so good." Barney to Andy in 'Aunt Bee's Medicine Man.'

Barney Fife:
"Sure Mike, sure." Barney drunkenly says to Andy after Otis spikes the spring water in 'Barney and the Governor.'

Gomer/Goober:
"Citizen's arr-ay-est!, citizen's arr-ay-est!, citizen's arr-ay-est!" -- Said by Gomer Pyle (actor Jim Nabors) to Barney Fife (actor Don Knotts) in the episode aptly titled "Citizen's Arrest."

Gomer/Goober:
"You're a boob, Gomer!" -- Barney Fife, in "Citizen's Arrest"

Gomer/Goober:
"Sha-zay-um!" -- Gomer Pyle (southern for "Shazam!")

Gomer/Goober:
"Go-o-lly!" -- Gomer Pyle

Gomer/Goober:
"Judy Judy Judy" -- Goober does his "Cary Grant" impression.

Other/Unsorted:
Otis: [speaking of how his mouth feels] Shooby, shooby, shooby.

Other/Unsorted:
"Where's my plaque? Give me my plaque." -- Barney describing how Otis is going to arrive at the mayor's office to receive an award.

Other/Unsorted:
"Well, now, maybe I didn't see that there line because I wasn't wearing my specs. Drunk or sober, I can't tell much without my glasses!"

Other/Unsorted:
Ernest T. Bass: It's me, it's me. It's Ernest T.!!

Other/Unsorted:
Brisco Darling (referring to Ernest T. Bass) -- "We thought about killin' him... didn't want to go that far."

Other/Unsorted:
Emma Brand: To think I voted for you last election; never even considered nobody else! BAD, BAD SHERIFF! (upon her frustration of Andy refusing to help her get her pills)

Other/Unsorted:
NAUGHTY DEPUTY! (after Andy drops Barney's charges of arresting her for jaywalking)

Other/Unsorted:
Otis: [singing childlike to Barney who out of pride voluntarily put himself in the other cell] "Barney's in Jail! Barney's in Jail!"

More Dialogue:
Barney: "Let's you and me dance."

More Dialogue:
Maude (escaped convict): "What made you change your mind?"

More Dialogue:
Barney: "You're beginning to get to me."

More Dialogue:
Maude: "You're a treasure!" (laughs)