The Brady Bunch, Season 5

Greg:
Its a good composition Pete. How come you got a C-?

Peter:
Read the last line.

Greg:
(Reading Aloud) If George Washington never told a lie how come he got so far in politics.

(In the girls' room)

Jan:
Me play one of the seven dwarfs?

Cindy:
You liked Mrs. Whitfield, didn't you?

Jan:
Sure, she was my favorite teacher. She was Marcia's favorite teacher too. I think she was even Mom's favorite teacher.

Cindy:
Boy, she's been teaching since the older days.

Jan:
You better not say that around Mom.

Cindy:
Well, will you help me with the play?

Jan:
Sure. If I can be Dopey.

Cindy:
Well, you can't be Dopey.

Jan:
Why not?

Cindy:
I'm saving that part for someone special.

Jan:
Who?

Cindy:
Me.

(Cut to bathroom, knock on the door)

Marcia:
Come in.

Cindy:
Marcia, how about--

Marcia:
Sure, Cindy. Anything for good old Mrs. Whitfield.

Cindy:
Oh, thanks!

Marcia:
Except, I want to play Dopey instead of you.

Cindy:
How did you know I wanted to play Dopey?

Marcia:
Thin walls.

(Cindy leaves)

(Cut to Greg's room, Cindy knocks on the door)

Greg:
Come in.

Cindy:
Gee, Greg, this room in the attic sure is neat. I love the way you fixed it up, and Alice--

Greg:
Cindy, you don't have to butter me up. I'd be glad to help out Mrs. Whitfield.

Cindy:
Thanks!

Greg:
But I want to play Dopey instead of you.

Cindy:
How did you know I wanted to play Dopey?

Greg:
Thin floors.

(Cut to boys' room, Cindy knocks on the door)

Peter:
Sure, Cindy, anything for Mrs. Whitfield. As long as I get to play Dopey.

Bobby:
That goes for me too, but I want to play Dopey.

Peter:
Well, you can't be Dopey.

Bobby:
Yes, I can. (door closes)

Cindy:
"Snow White and the Seven Dopeys"?

(Cut to kitchen)

Cindy:
Alice, how would you like a nice, big, juicy part in my play?

Alice:
I'd love to! Can I play Dopey?

Cindy:
That part's already taken, six times.

Alice:
What have you got left?

Cindy:
How about the wicked queen?

Alice:
You got yourself a deal. If I can't be a wacky dwarf, I'll be a wicked queen. (imitates evil laughter)

Cindy:
That was good. Thanks, Alice!

Alice:
(imitating the wicked queen voice) Mirror, mirror, that I see, is there anyone prettier than me? (normal voice) How's that?

Mike:
Wicked, Alice. Wicked.

Alice:
(wicked queen voice) Mirror, mirror, in my.. (accidentally stirs soup with the mirror) soup?!

Brady kids and Sam:
(singing) Heigh ho, heigh ho, it's home from work we go! (whistle) Heigh ho, heigh ho, heigh ho, heigh ho, heigh ho, we're seven in a row (whistle, Sam stops), heigh ho.

Greg/Doc:
What'd you stop for, Dopey?

Sam/Dopey:
Eh, I forgot which way we live, Doc!

Jan/Happy, Cindy/Grumpy:
We live that way! (point in opposite directions)

Marcia/Sleepy:
(yawn) Can't we get going? It's time for my nap! I'm sleepy!

Peter/Sneezy:
Well, I'm catching a cold! (sneezes)

Bobby/Bashful:
I know which way we live!

Greg/Doc:
Which way, Bashful?

Bobby/Bashful:
I'm too bashful to tell you! (laughs)

Sam/Dopey:
Hey, I remember which way! We follow the yellow brick road!

Cindy/Grumpy:
That's in the Wizard of Oz!

Sam/Dopey:
So, don't follow the yellow brick road!

Brady kids and Sam:
(singing) Heigh ho, heigh ho, it's home from work we go! (march behind the stage)

Alice:
The all-American dish for the all-American hero, (everybody cheers) hot Hungarian goulash!

Cindy:
Since when is Hungarian goulash American?

Alice:
Since Zsa Zsa Gabor became a citizen.

(Bobby doesn't want to be with Peter, whom he's at odds with)

Bobby:
Wanna play a game or something, Alice?

Alice:
Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Bobby, not tonight. I gotta go to bed early, I didn't sleep very well last night.

Bobby:
Why not?

Alice:
Well, I stayed up half the night, watching one of those TV horror movies, "The Demon of Devoured Detroit", gave both of us heartburn. (leaves, Greg comes in)

Bobby:
Wanna watch some TV with me, Greg?

Greg:
Sorry, I got a date. I'll see you later.

(Bobby walks into the living room, seeing his sisters leaving)

Bobby:
Hey, where are you going?

Marcia:
We're gonna spend the night at my friend Helen's house.

Bobby:
How come?

Jan:
That wallpaper post made our room smell to icky.

Cindy:
Have fun. (the girls leave)

Bobby:
Yeah. Whoopee.

(Mike and Carol are leaving)

Mike:
Good night, son.

Carol:
Don't stay up past your bedtime.

Bobby:
I might as well go to sleep right now, there's nobody around here to do anything with.

Carol:
Oh, now, Bobby, Peter's home.

Bobby:
That's the same thing as being alone.

Mrs. Payne:
My husband and I have even managed to be cordial to the Shapiros down the street.

Ken:
Well, congratulations, you've just received the "Neighbor of the Year" award.

Mrs. Payne:
I consider that remark uncalled for!

Ken:
If nobody calls for it in 30 days, it's all yours, baby!

Bobby:
I win.

Jan:
Maybe Bobby cheated.

Cindy:
Did you cheat?

Bobby:
No, Jan just got a big mouth and bad eyes.

Jan:
He didn't really cheat, Cindy.

Cindy:
Then why did you say that?

Jan:
It's a debating tactic. I force Bobby into defending himself by accusing him of something.

Bobby:
I get enough accusing around here from mom and dad.

Jan:
Hey, you two accuse me of something and I'll defend myself.

Bobby:
Okay. I accuse you.. of being weird. (leaves the room)

Jan:
I'm on the debating team at school and I really need practice. Choose a subject and pick a side.

Cindy:
Okay. I pick Bobby's side, you are weird. (leaves)

Jan:
Won't anybody around here debate me? (picks up Cindy's Kitty Karry-All doll) You, pick a side.

(Epilogue:
Peter is reading a magazine on the porch, Bobby and Cindy arrive on bikes)

Bobby:
Peter, will you be our judge?

Peter:
For what?

Cindy:
Bobby and I made a bet on who's the best bike rider.

Peter:
What did you bet?

Bobby:
Same thing as Greg and Marcia. The person who comes closer to the stopline without going over wins.

Cindy:
And the loser has to do the winner's chores for a whole year.

Peter:
Well, first you better look at something, Bobby. (points to Greg doing ironing)

Bobby:
Ain't too easy to beat a dumb ol' girl anyway. (leaves)

Cindy:
Chicken.

(Jan and Cindy come outside)

Cindy:
Hey, did the UFO land yet?

Bobby:
No. Do you see one?

Jan:
Oh, well we thought that maybe you hit it in your sleeping bags.

Peter:
Look, if you just came out here to make jokes, you can leave.

Bobby:
Yeah!

Cindy:
Oh, we believe in flying objects, Peter.

Jan:
It's just that flying objects don't believe in us.

Peter:
(hops up) Listen, if you guys aren't out of here in three seconds, you're both gonna be flying objects!

Jan:
Ooh, quiver!

Cindy:
Qui, qui.

Peter:
Pass off!

Alice:
Anybody for more flapjacks? Right off the grill and still flappin'?

Cindy:
Oh yeah, Alice!

Jan:
Me too.

Greg:
No, I gotta get going.

Marcia:
Same here.

Alice:
Aren't you gonna stick around and see how Peter and Bobby's UFO pictures turned out?

Greg:
No, in their case I think "UFO" means "Undoubtedly Flipped Out".

Marcia:
Hey Alice, if any space creatures do show up, give them some flapjacks and tell them to stick around for a while.

Bobby:
Hey Cindy, now you and me won't be the youngest, we'll have somebody to push around.

Bobby:
(annoyed) Hey, Pete! Pete, you sleeping?

Peter:
Are you kidding? Who can sleep with that buzz-saw going?

Bobby:
Yeah, for a little guy, he sure snores big.

Peter:
Sounds like the MGM Lion.

Bobby:
How are we going to get any sleep?

Peter:
I've read once where you can stop people from snoring by rolling them over. Let's try it.

Bobby:
All right.

(Peter and Bobby try to roll Oliver over)

Bobby:
He's heavier than he looks.

(Peter and Bobby fall on the floor, breaking the lamp on nightdesk)

Oliver:
Would you guys be a little bit more quiet? A guy can't get any sleep around here!