The Cosby Show, Season 2

Cliff:
[to Theo] A vacation is something you get when you have a job and work. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you didn't work hard all summer. You were the hardest worker I ever saw, at begging. Begging for money for pizza, begging to stay up later to chase little girls who didn't love you. And son, now, you get to rest. [Theo falls back on the bed] You get to go to school!

Cliff:
[Phone rings.] Oh, not another Vanessa caller. [answers] Vanessa's residence? No, she cannot come to the phone right now. Because it's now 10:01, and she cannot take any calls past 10:00. No I cannot take a message, I am her father. I'm a doctor, I graduated from medical school, alright? Thank you for calling, this is a live voice.

Clair:
What is this?

Cliff:
Dear. This is a stainless steel maintenance free appliance which provides nutritious drinks for just pennies a day.

Clair:
And it's going to end up with the rest of the stainless steel self maintenance appliances in the appliance graveyard underneath the counter. [opens up the counter] Let's see. [pulls out a waffle-maker] The answer to Sunday breakfast?

Cliff:
Yes I bought that.

Clair:
"Waffles, Clair. I'm going to make waffles every Sunday morning!" Until you had to clean it! And this... [pulls out a special pan] "Crepes, Clair. Think of all the different kind of crepes we can make with this." Turned out to be none.

Theo:
Yeah but mom, remember the sausage stuffer?

Claire:
Didn't stuff a thing!

Cliff:
[to Theo] Et tu, Brute?

Clair:
Appliances can be hard to resist sometimes. They're shiny, they make weird noises, they have those buttons that light up. That's why your father likes them!

Sondra:
We thought it would be nice if we cooked the meal for Grandma and Grandpa's anniversary.

Theo:
And I'm sure you girls will do a great job.

Sondra:
Theo, I mean all of us.

Theo:
I don't cook.

Clair:
Maybe you should learn.

Theo:
Why?

Clair:
Theo, you're going to leave this house one day and you're going to want to eat.

Theo:
I'll have my girlfriend cook!

Clair:
Now where are you getting this attitude from?

Theo:
Cockroach.

Clair, Vanessa, and Sondra:
Ohhh Cockroach.

Theo:
You see, we decided, we're only going to date girls who cook.

Sondra:
Theo, the women of today have better things to do than to stay in the kitchen.

Theo:
That's because the women of today haven't met the man of tomorrow.

[Cliff and Clair are snuggling in bed. Cliff moves over closer to Clair.]

Clair:
Cliff, your feet are freezing!

Cliff:
That's why I brought them over there.

Clair:
Well, why don't you move your feet over to your side of the bed until they warm up?

[Cliff pulls his feet away.]

Cliff:
Now they're cold and lonely.

Cliff:
You don't have time!

Darryl:
Why not?

Cliff:
Because he's coming!

Darryl:
Who's coming?

Cliff:
Elvin.

Darryl:
Who's Elvin?

Cliff:
Elvin is the fellow she likes.

Darryl:
Oh. Then why am I here?

Cliff:
Because you're the fellow I like!

Clair:
Would you and Dr. Huxtable like some coffee?

Elvin:
Coffee?

Clair:
Yes, coffee.

Elvin:
You mean, you're gonna get it?

Clair:
Yes, you're surprised?

Elvin:
I'm sorry Mrs. Huxtable, I didn't think you did that kind of thing.

Clair:
What kind of thing?

Elvin:
You know....serve.

[Cliff sits down rubbing his face]

Clair:
Serve whom?

Elvin:
Serve him. [pointing to Cliff]

Clair:
Oh, serve him! You mean like, serve your man?

Elvin:
Well yeah.

Clair:
Let me tell you something Elvin. You see, I am not serving Dr. Huxtable. Okay?

Elvin:
Okay.

Clair:
That's the kind of thing that goes on in a restaurant. Now I am gonna bring him a cup of coffee just like he brought me a cup of coffee this morning. And that, young man, is what marriage is made of, it is give and take 50/50. And if you don't get it together, and drop these macho attitudes, you ain't never gonna have anybody bringing you anything anywhere anyplace anytime evah! Now what would you like in your coffee?

Elvin:
Maybe I could get you some coffee.

Clair:
Elvin that's all right. I don't mind getting it. But thanks for offering.

[Clair leaves room]

Cliff:
Elvin?

Elvin:
Yes sir?

Cliff:
When she brings the coffee back, if I were you I wouldn't drink it.

Denise:
Daddy, did you know that Susan is coming over today?

Cliff:
The girl from your social studies class?

Denise:
Yeah. You're in your pajamas.

Cliff:
Right, well you said the two of you wanted to observe normal everyday activities.

Denise:
And this is what you're wearing?

Cliff:
Denise, today's Saturday, you're lucky I have on what I have on.

Clair:
[about gardening] If this is so lovely, how come you're not down here giving me a hand?

Cliff:
Because that's dirt.

Clair:
No, to you it's dirt. To me, it's life.

Cliff:
Ha ha. Then why is it that you get upset when the children track life into the house?

Clair:
I remember this guy named Jimmy Peterson. Now you see, Jimmy Peterson used to hang out at the city pool everyday, all summer long, and he was the finest thing there. And I knew that if I wanted to be his girlfriend, I had to get him to notice me. So, one day, I climbed the high-dive, which was something that only the absolute coolest girls did, because, see I knew he was gonna be watching.

Vanessa:
What happened?

Clair:
Well I got up on the high-dive, and I strutted out on that board to try and do the meanest swan dive in the history of swimming, got to the edge of the board, looked down and discovered why they call the high-dive, the high-dive. I stood there trembling, with Jimmy Peterson and everyone up there looking up at me!

Vanessa:
What did you do?

Clair:
I did the only thing I could do. I made everybody waiting on the ladder get off so I could get down! I walked past Jimmy Peterson, I was so embarrassed, I couldn't even look him in the face. I never spoke to him again! That's how I ended up with your father.

Clair:
[whispers] Rudy, come here, quick! Rudy, do you see that guy over there?

Rudy:
Daddy?

Clair:
Listen, I want you to go over there and tell him that you heard that I thought he was cute.

Rudy:
[goes over to Cliff] Mommy said that she heard that she thinks you're cute.

Cliff:
Who?

Rudy:
Mommy!

Cliff:
Mommy said that she heard that she thinks she's cute?

Rudy:
You!

Cliff:
You tell her that I think that she is allllllriiiiight! [Cliff stops Rudy] Wait, wait, wait, come back here a minute. But don't tell her that I said it. You tell her that you heard that I might have said it.

[Rudy nods and goes to Clair]

Rudy:
Daddy said that he might heard that you are goooooourgest!

Clair:
I want you to go back and tell him that you thought you heard that I would like to go out on a date with him Saturday night at 12:05.

Rudy:
[to Cliff] Mommy said that she heard that she would like to go on a date with you at three-oh-oh.

Cliff:
Tell her that at 0300, the leukocytes will take over all of the minejectnofields and that I will kiss her on the steps of the Theresa hotel.

Rudy:
[to Clair] He said a zeuklomax and a zuklomax may bo and she wants, uh he wants to meet you on the steps of the hotel-of-something.

Clair:
Now...

Rudy:
No no no, come on. [leads Clair over to Cliff]

Cliff:
What did she say?

Rudy:
No no no!

Cliff:
She said no?

Clair:
[about Denise] I bet I know what she wants. She wants to borrow your car.

Cliff:
No, I think she want's to borrow your car.

Clair:
I don't think so.

Cliff:
Why?

Clair:
Because my car is a Station Wagon. Now when was the last time you saw a teenager driving a Station Wagon?

Cliff:
I better hide my car.

Clair:
Denise, deep down, you know you can pretty much do anything you want because you know we're always there to bail you out. You see, we're your safety net. We're so good at it, half the time you don't even know we're doing it. And, your father and I accept that responsibility because we're your parents. And, you'd better not ever forget that, young lady. Because if you ever take this attitude with us again, you can take whatever is in that bank account of yours and go discover America!

Cliff:
[as the family gets ready to watch Rudy in a football game] All right, now everyone's in the car, come on.

Clair:
If you don't mind, I think I'd rather stay here.

Cliff:
But today, is your daughter's football debut! Today, we're going to watch the Gray Ghost gallop!

Clair:
Cliff, I really don't think I can take this.

Cliff:
Yeah but you said to me, when our son was going to play, you said 'Cliff, I think it's important that the father be down there to watch the boy.' Now I'm telling you, 'Claire I think it's important for the mother to go down and watch the daughter.' Now come on.

Clair:
All right I'm gonna go, but I'm telling you right now. If anybody, ANYBODY at all, tries to hurt my baby, I'm gonna go out there and stop them.

Cliff:
This is gonna be a wonderful game, see a mother running out on the field throwing somebody's child up in the stands.

[Theo comes in with a record]

Theo:
Hey, dad.

Cliff:
[setting up a chess board] Hey, son. Did you get the record you wanted?

Theo:
Yes, and I was lucky. This was the last one in the store.

Cliff:
How much did it cost?

Theo:
Uhh, $7.88.

Cliff:
And how much money did I give you?

Theo:
: Ten dollars.

[Cliff looks at Theo with a big grin on his face for a few seconds]

Cliff:
So...?

Theo:
So?

Cliff:
[Cliff holds out his hands in a shaking motion, Theo gives him a high five] NO! No, no no! Where's my change?

Theo:
Change?

Cliff:
Change!

Theo:
Well, I didn't know you wanted it back.

Cliff:
Well since when have you know for me to give somebody a three dollar bonus for borrowing seven dollars?

Garvin:
What are they laughing at?

Al:
Us.

Cliff:
They're laughing at what we are, and what you're going to be.

Garvin:
What's that?

Cliff:
A husband.

Al:
I wonder how they'd feel if we all laughed at them.

Cliff:
We can't.

Garvin:
Why not?

Cliff:
Because they're not funny.

[Clair is playfully strangling Cliff, because he is having trouble recalling the night he proposed to her]

Denise:
[enters] Hi dad.

Cliff:
[rough voice] Oh, hi.

Clair:
I'm just having a talk with your father.

Cliff:
No no, see this woman is just trying to strangle me.

Denise:
Well what did you do?

Cliff:
I made a mistake, and I proposed to this wo- [Claire tightens her grip]

Clair:
Don't remember ONE thing about that night! I am going to burn this sweater!

Cliff:
You don't have to burn anything, I told you, I don't have to remember everything, I remember the important things. Ask me another question.

Clair:
What was playing on the car radio when you proposed?

Cliff:
When I proposed? On the car radio? Ray Charles, I Can't Stop Loving You, 1962, sold 14 million copies!

Clair:
[lovingly] Cliff-

Cliff:
Now deal with that!

Cliff:
That's it. You're going to the emergency room.

Clair:
What if they tell me it's broken?

Cliff:
If no one tells you it's broken, and it is broken, how will you know it's broken?

Cliff:
[Looking at the x-ray] Look, look at this. Right here. See that?

Theo:
Oh, wait a minute! That looks like a hair.

Cliff:
That's right! This is called a hairline fracture of the promixal phalanx of the fourth toe. Understand that?

Theo:
That's cool!

Cliff:
All right, it is!

Clair:
Will the two of you please take my foot someplace else and leave me alone?

Cliff:
Okay. You want to take it to school and show it to your friends?

Theo:
Dad, what are you doing?

Cliff:
I'm putting hors d'oeuvres down for the guests.

Theo:
Why?

Cliff:
Because I always put hors d'oeuvres out for the guests.

Theo:
Dad, this is gonna make the evening longer. Couldn't we just come in and go to the table and start eating?

Cliff:
If you'd like, I'll just put the food in a brown paper bag and have 'em eat it out on the sidewalk.

Clair:
[to Mrs. Westlake] I love your accent. Where are you from?

Jack Westlake:
I'm from Indiana.

Mrs. Westlake:
That's why I married him, I love the way he talks!

Clair:
Vanessa, what has gotten into you? I have never, ever seen you act like this.

Vanessa:
Mom, come on, Denise and I have fought over clothes before.

Cliff:
But not to the death!

Theo:
Robert, do you have any sisters?

Robert:
No..

Theo:
Well, go home tonight and thank your parents!

Rudy:
Sondra, promise you won't get mad.

Sondra:
What did you do?

Rudy:
I spilled nail polish.

Sondra:
Okay. We'll go clean it up.

Rudy:
In your suitcase.

[Cliff is bidding on a painting and keeps getting outbid]

Rudy:
Hey, you, stop that! That's my daddy's painting!

Auctioneer:
All right, we have $1000 and a little girl who loves her daddy.

Cliff:
[Yelling at some snowball-throwing kids] This is Dr. Huxtable! I delivered some of you! I'm a parent and a taxpayer! And I am probably the only adult who will sue little children!

Dr. Burns:
I think if you were to go ahead of Peter and show him there's nothing to be afraid of, he'd do it. Do you understand?

Rudy:
Yes.

Dr. Burns:
But you won't do it?

Rudy:
No.

Dr. Burns:
No...you mean I'm in this alone?

[Cliff makes a dental appointment with Dr. Burns.]

Dr. Burns:
So I'll see you Thursday afternoon 4 o'clock.

Cliff:
Dr. Burns, will you show me the teeth?

Dr. Burns:
Yes.

Cliff:
Will you let me ride in the 'tooth shuttle'?

Dr. Burns:
Well, you're getting a little old for that, but yes. Oh, and Cliff?

Cliff:
Yes?

Dr. Burns:
When you leave, take just one toy please?

Cliff:
But I let you kiss my wife!

Dr. Burns:
Two toys?

Cliff:
No, no, we're not gonna play "Do You Remember."

Clair:
I don't know what to say, but I know what to play.

Stevie Wonder:
Vanessa, that's a pretty name.

Vanessa:
Thank you, Sir.

Stevie Wonder:
You're welcome, Madam.

Theo:
Jammin' on the one.

Cliff:
Well, I believe that's the first time a Morehouse man has had nothing to say!

Dr. Morgan:
Or come to a Hillman man for advice!

Denise:
Well, it's saying something to me right now.

Clair:
What?

Denise:
It's saying, "Bring me a tea bag."

Cockroach:
Why do I need math? When I get older, I'm gonna inherit my dad's scrap-iron business.

Cliff:
You need math because you're gonna have to be able to count the pieces of metal as they come off the line.

Cockroach:
We have a foreman who does that.

Cliff:
Okay, you need math so you can count the money.

Cockroach:
We have an accountant who does that.

Cliff:
Then you're gonna be broke!

Cockroach:
No way!

Cliff:
If the foreman can count and the accountant can count and you can't, you're gonna be broke!

Clair:
You can't ride to the park unless you are accompanied by an adult.

Rudy:
Will you 'upcompany' me?

Theo:
Dad, can I have an advance on my allowance?

Cliff:
I'm sorry son, you're already backed up to your 50th birthday.

Cliff:
[after Denise and Clair tell Theo what the real world is like] Your mother and your sister are absolutely correct. You see, we´re your family. We love you. We let you borrow money even you´re not qualified to pay it back. If you get out in the real world, it´s going to be different.

Theo:
But when I get in the real world, I´m doing just fine, ´cause I´m gonna have a lot of money.

Cliff:
I hope you´re not waiting for me to die.

Theo:
No, I´m gonna earn it.

Cliff:
How?

Theo:
I´m going to be a model.

[Vanessa, Rudy and Cliff laugh at Theo]

Rudy:
[seriously talks about Theo´s debt to her] I want my quarter now!

Dr. Foster:
My father said no matter how dumb the dealer looks, always cut the cards.

Homer:
You know, Russell, this reminds of the days when we used to go down to the baseball diamond.

Russell:
Yeah, I remember those days..but, sometimes it would rain and we'd have to stay in the clubhouse.

Homer:
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna lead with clubs!

Russell:
Good play!

[Cliff plays his King, and Russell plays the Ace.]

Homer:
You had the Ace?

Russell:
Dr. Foster, if you'll throw your card, I can collect this trick!

Dr. Foster:
That may be difficult to do, Mr. Huxtable Senior...since you threw your Ace in my face, I may have to bump your rump with my trump!

Clair (to Cliff about Mega Woman):
There's a whole family of them. There's Mega Girl, Mega Boy, she's married to Mega Man and they all drive around all day in a Mega-mobile.

Clair:
Cliff, do you want to be 19 again?

Cliff:
Only if you'll be 19 with me.

Clair:
Sure.

Cliff:
And the kids can be 49.

Cliff:
Yes, the University of Life. I understand some of its graduates have gone on to move back home with their parents!

Vanessa:
Did Denise decide on a college while we were gone?

Clair:
About a dozen times.

Vanessa:
I thought it over and I've decided I'm not taking off this sweater until you apologize for poking me in the shoulder.

Denise:
I'm not apologizing.

Vanessa:
Okay. [pokes Denise in the shoulder] We're even.

Denise:
Hey, wait a minute. You're not even, you're still wearing my sweater.

Vanessa:
Knock it off, Denise!

Denise:
I don't have to.

Vanessa:
You're just mad because this sweater looks better on me.

Denise:
Yeah, right.

Vanessa:
Don't shove me!

Denise:
I can shove you any time I want to!

Vanessa:
Is that right?!

Denise:
Yeah, that's right!

Vanessa:
Get off! Let go of me, Denise!

Denise:
Let me-- LET GO-- LET GO OF MY HAIR VANESSA!!! LET GO! [Rudy is outside hearing the fight and Cliff and Clair rushes over]

Cliff:
What's goin' on in there?

Rudy:
Fight, fight!

Cliff:
All right, now-- stop stop the two of you stop! Stop it! [Cliff falls over]

Rudy:
[screaming] STOP IT!!!!!!!

Clair:
All right, that's enough that's enough now stop, Denise and Vanessa, I said you better stop! Cliff, are you alright?

Cliff:
They took me out.

Clair:
I wanna know what's goin' on in here? [Denise and Vanessa talk at the same time] Wait a minute, wait a minute. Denise you go first.

Vanessa:
Why does she get to go first?!

Clair:
Because I said I said so!

Denise:
She went into my closet and took the sweater: the one I said she couldn't have [Denise hits Vanessa and kept fighting]

Clair:
GIRLS, I SAID "STOP"!!! Stop it. Vanessa is this true?

Vanessa:
Well---

Cliff:
[Interrupting her] No, no, no, before you start to say "No" let me remind you that you are wearing the evidence?

Vanessa:
Oh yeah. Well, mom she shoved me!

Denise:
I shoved her because she took my sweater!

Clair:
We have rules in this house: one of them is "We don't take things that don't belong to us" and the other one is "We don't try to kill each other", Denise, you may not drive your car for 2 days.

Denise:
But mom!

Clair:
Don't "But mom" me! Vanessa, you can't talk on the telephone for the next 2 days. Now give your sister her sweater back.

Cliff:
And you will wear the same clothes for 2 days in a row!

Vanessa:
Aw, come on, dad!

Clair:
Come on, Vanessa, give your sister her sweater back. [Vanessa throws Denise's sweater at her]

Denise:
Stop!

Clair:
Give it back nicely.

Vanessa:
I'm sorry, Denise.

Denise:
Now I have to get it clean!

Clair:
Okay, the money for the cleaning comes out of your allowance.

Vanessa:
Yes, mom.

Clair:
Vanessa, what has gotten into you? I have never, ever seen you act like this.

Vanessa:
Mom, come on, Denise and I have fought over clothes before.

Cliff:
Yeah, but not to the death!

Clair:
Rudy, wait in my room please

theo:
Just for the movies Cliff: Only letting you go this time because youre my son...