The Cosby Show, Season 5

Theo:
I don't get it. If you weren't going back to school, why did you pack all your bags?

Denise:
'Cause soon as I tell Mom and Dad what I'm doing, Dad's going to throw me out of the house.

Vanessa:
Good. That means I'll get my room back.

Rudy:
So will I.

Denise:
You guys! I'm about to face a really difficult situation and all you can think about is yourselves?

Vanessa:
Hey, who else are we supposed to think about?

Rudy:
Yeah! [they leave the room]

Denise:
I've decided to discontinue my college education.

Clair:
Come again, young lady?

Denise:
I'm not going back to Hillman.

Cliff:
Wanna bet?

[After Vanessa and her friends' dance routine]

Rudy:
I thought they were hot!

Clair:
Maybe you should go up to your room and cool off!

Rudy:
Aw, man!!! [goes upstairs]

Kara:
Mrs. Huxtable, is there something wrong?

Clair:
I don't know who you think you are, but you are not the people who just came down here in my living room, half-dressed, flinging parts from one end to the other!

Cliff:
Are my eyes deceiving me? Aren't you all swollen in areas where you weren't swollen before?

Clair:
Thank you. Because I definitely detect some growth! [approaches Vanessa and removes a large wad of tissues from top portion of her outfit]

Vanessa:
Mom! That's part of our outfits!

Clair:
The only part of your clothing that you will be allowed to stuff things into will be your pockets. Now you take this and go upstairs and put some clothes on! [To Kara and Janet] Now I'm not your mother, but I feel safe in saying I speak for them when I say go cover yourselves immediately!

Kara and Janet:
Yes, Mrs. Huxtable. [The girls go upstairs]

Vanessa:
[muttering] C'mon guys. You know I finally thought they were open enough to understand I'm not a child anymore.

Cliff:
[yells upstairs] And don't put those tissues back in the box!

Clair:
Did you see Miss Kara with that bra on on top of the leotard? Tell me!

Cliff:
Did I see it? I...

Clair:
We have made a mistake! We have planted roses, but we keep getting these weeds! Sondra's in the wilderness, Denise is in the jungle, and she's on the Locomotion! [yells upstairs] You better take that wall paint off your faces! Before the mothers come in here and see me. They'll be blaming me.

Cliff:
Yeah, now let's...

Clair:
Running around here dressed in nothing! Jumping around like they just hopped off the hot seat! Suppose some fool comes along, sees that, takes them seriously, Vanessa could end up on a stage somewhere across the country in a smoke-filled cafe, singing and dancing, and gyrating like that. And I won't be around to take the tissues out then. I am not!

Cliff:
No, no. See...

Clair:
What do they know? What do they know?! "Easy as doing your ABC's" [yells upstairs again] Miss 1400 on the SATs! I got your locomotion down here in the living room with a science book!

Cliff:
Right!

Clair:
And take that makeup off!

Cliff:
That's right!

Clair:
I can see it now! Sittin' in a Hollywood swimming pool with a remote phone in her hand calling me up [imitating a snobby girl] "Hi, Mom, Babe! Let's do lunch!" I will not have it! [storms into the kitchen]

Cliff:
[yells upstairs] And that goes for me, too!

Emma:
[before an exercise class] Good afternoon, all you sagging hunks of flesh! I see you've been munching those bon-bons and eating that gourmet ice cream; it looks like some of you went back for seconds! I know what you were thinking..."I'll enjoy it now and pay later." Well, let me introduce myself. I'm later!"

Clair:
[to Emma] Now whatever the diet and whatever the exercise, you just bring it on because I am here to work! And I am going to be so good when I'm finished, I'm going to make my own video: The Clair Huxtable Workout. And I'm not going to give you a copy. You're going to have to buy your own!

[Winnie & Nelson are looking up, so Cliff looks up as well]

Cliff:
You're going to have to help me out here, what are we looking at?

Cliff:
[talking to the babies about his brother] James was very small, and this kid said, "He looks rather sickly", and James punched him in the face. And I look at my brother and he's [rocking back and forth with a smug look] and I say, "GO JAMES!" Anyway, he died and then I was very sad, but he's still with me, he's with me here [Points to heart] and he's going to be with you because I'm going to tell you stories about him.

Guy:
The coffee table broke. It broke when I was dancing on it.

Theo:
You were dancing on a coffee table?!

Guy:
Don't worry. I'm not going to sue you.

Clair:
So that's where you took Theo.

Cliff:
That's the second place, the first place was the army recruiter. I was serious, I was going to put his you know what in the army. We got there and there were 50 parents there, with 50 kids, all in line ahead of us. Some of them had their kids by the neck, one had a rope tied around her kid, then after 7 parents and kids went in and came back out, the army recruiter came out with a bullhorn. And he said, "Now listen up! All you parents who brought your kids here because they racked up money over the weekend on the credit card, or because your kid made somebody pregnant, or because they threw a party and destroyed the house, GET OUT OF LINE!"

Clair:
Rudy, why don't you go upstairs and do your homework, honey. I'll check in on you at 9:30. Be ready for bed.

Rudy:
[grumbling] 9:30! Why can't I stay up past 9:30! And they say it's a free world, HA! That's what they think. It's a free nothing!

Cliff:
It's free because we pay for it!

Vanessa:
When I was your age, I always wanted to stay up past my bedtime, but I could never figure out how to do it. You went to Mom and Dad with your list, and they changed it. Way to go!

Rudy:
Come on! What are you really doing? You're making fun of me, aren't you?

Vanessa:
No, I mean it. I'm really proud of you.

Rudy:
I don't believe it! You came here to laugh at me because I'm tired. Well, it won't work!

Vanessa:
What's the matter with you?

Rudy:
Don't play dumb with me. I know what you're really doing here! The whole family's setting me up to fail. Kenny told me. He said you're going to try to teach me a lesson. You don't think I can stay up. Well I'm on to you, sista! You're the ones that are going to look like fools, see! Yeah, when I pull this off!

Vanessa:
You know what your problem is? You've been staying up too late watching too many of those old gangster movies.

Rudy:
I'll watch what I want, when I want! And you palookas can't stop me! I've been in tougher fixes than this! And you can just take your phony smile and hit the bricks!

Vanessa:
Hit the bricks?!?

Rudy:
Yeah, scram, baby! [Vanessa leaves the room as Rudy goes back to her desk] They're not going to take me alive, yeah!

[Rudy and Vanessa are drinking orange juice]

Rudy:
It's easy, for me, because I have better manners than you.

Vanessa:
Rudy, its not nice to say that you have better manners than someone.

Rudy:
Its true, because if you had any manners at all, maybe you have a boyfriend right now, and you don't because you're a pig.

Vanessa:
You're the slop that pigs eat.

Rudy:
You are the piggy that make all the other piggies sick.

[Vanessa starts strangling Rudy. Cliff comes in the kitchen]

Cliff:
Stop it! What are you doing?

Vanessa:
I just wanted to straighten out her shirt.

Cliff (to Clair):
Can I go write a note and slip it under the door that says, "I told you so"?

Clair:
No.

Cliff:
Well, how about if I hire an airplane to fly past the window with a big sign on the end that says "I told you so"?

Clair:
No, eat your grapefruit.

Cliff:
I'll eat this grapefruit, and I'll take every one of these seeds and take them over to the bathroom door and spell out "I told you so."

Cliff:
Yes, I know Tina Turner. I knew Tina Turner when she was rollin' on the river!

Rudy:
Dad, you will do your impression of the funny pirate, won't you? Everybody loves it when you do the pirate!

Cliff:
Well, first of all, I am not a professional comedian.

Denise (to Sondra):
I'm not putting down your apartment. It's wonderful! It's got character, it's charming, But c'mon, you can't act like children for the rest of your lives. It's time for you to grow up.

Sondra:
Oh, who are you telling to grow up? You dropped out of school and then when Mom and Dad wanted you to go back, you wouldn't even listen to them.

Denise:
Sondra, that is because in my case Mom and Dad didn't make any sense, okay? They know what they're talking about. Come on! You guys are having a baby! A little bambino, another life. Would you actually consider raising a kid in...this...place?!?

Elvin:
Look, Denise, as long as we love this child, it doesn't matter where we raise it.

Denise:
Please, as soon as this kid can talk, it's gonna say, "Call me a taxi, I'm outta here!"

Denise:
What did they say?

Rudy:
I had my ear right to the door and all I heard was "Denise," "Quitter" and "Dropout".

Denise:
That's all you heard?

Rudy:
No, but then I heard Daddy say (deepens voice) "Rudy, get away from the door!"

Denise:
That's it, I'm not going! The chance of a lifetime. It'll never happen to me again!

(Cliff and Clair come downstairs to the kitchen)

Cliff:
Hello! First of all, I want you to understand that I didn't appreciate you sending a spy. And on top of that you sent a lousy spy.

(Rudy scoffs)

Rudy:
How come you didn't let him have it?

Vanessa:
Roy is a gentleman, Rudy and he was trying to protect my feelings.

Rudy:
Oh man, love's a joke!

Vanessa:
No, it's not! Not if you have a guy like Roy. (goes upstairs excited) Yes!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

Rudy:
In two days, she'll be writing about dead crickets again.

Justine:
Take this little boy here, (points at Kenny) he probably already has preconceived notions about sexual politics.

Julia:
Kenny, you've been hearing us talk, what do you think?

Kenny:
I'd never let a woman type my papers. (Julia and Justine smile and nod) She should be home, cooking my supper.

Clair:
I just don't know about this "Grandma" business. They should think of another name for us like "Second Mother" or "Mother Once Removed."

Francine:
"Experienced Mother."

Clair:
"Solid Gold Mother."

Francine:
How about "Mother: The Sequel."

Theo (about Denny ending up with Julia):
Dad, he stabbed me in the back!

Cliff:
Looks to me like you handed him the knife!

Vanessa (yelling from her room):
Jeremy, I'm so sorry!

Cliff:
(yells back) SHUT UP!

Jeremy:
Would you mind if I took off my jacket? It's getting kind of hot in here.

Clair:
That's fine.

Jeremy:
Am I allowed to answer her?

Clair:
Yes.

Jeremy:
It's all right, Vanessa.

Vanessa:
(yells again) I miss you!

Cliff:
Let me tell you something right now. I'm coming up and it's not because I love you!

Vanessa:
I'm moving out!

Clair:
Good, I'll help you pack!

Clair:
Getting up at 4:30 in the morning to prove myself to a group of men basking in the nonexistent ray of their own intelligence is not my idea of fun.

Mason Benedict:
Banking had nothing to do with it! You're all sending up smoke screens. It was a classic business downturn, an exhaustion of labour and resources that led to the bust.

Clair:
Well actually, that's not true.

Mason Benedict:
Pardon me.

Clair:
In 1929, there was more than enough raw materials to maintain the current rate of production.

Mason Benedict:
Do you have a source to back that up?

Clair:
As a matter of fact, I do. The Great Crash by John Kenneth Galbraith.

Mason Benedict:
Well, I've read Mr.Galbraith's book and I'm afraid you're wrong.

Clair:
I don't think I am.

Mason Benedict:
Ian, you have a copy of the Galbraith book in your office don't you?

Ian:
Well, yes!

Clair:
Great! Why don't we get it and look it up?

Mason Benedict:
You'll only be sorry if we get the book.

Clair:
[gives the Clair stare] I want the book.

Vanessa (to Rudy):
You'll never get a good job with only a 4th grade education.

Rudy:
Sure I will.

Vanessa:
What'll you do?

Rudy:
Teach the 3rd grade.

Ray (to Cliff):
My granddaughter's having a baby?

Cliff:
Yes.

Ray:
I didn't know she was married.

Cliff:
She isn't. You see it is possible to have a baby without getting married.

Justine:
(to Theo) Is our relationship in so much trouble that you have to go and practice with somebody else?

Theo:
Justine, it's me, please don't hang up! (Justine hangs up on the phone and Theo gets upset)

Vanessa:
(Slams the door and gets angry) UHH!!! Just kill him! Who does he think he is?!

Theo:
Vanessa, would you please keep it down? I need some peace and quiet right now.

Vanessa:
Will NOT keep it down! Do you have any idea what happened to me today? I stayed late at school because I had a science club meeting, so when I left I took a shortcut home. And right there on Flatbush Ave. in front of everybody sitting on a bench with his arm around Kyle Stevens was MY boyfriend! Excuse me, EX-boyfriend. Jeremy "The rat nose" Wilson!

Theo:
(He looks at her while being concerned) He was?

Vanessa:
So I went up to him, and I said: "What are you doing?" and he just looked at me and said: "Well, I was just sitting here with my arm on the bench and she sat down next to me.". Can you believe that?! Right there in public with his hands all over some other girl?! Would you do that to someone that you cared about?! Why would he do that, Theo? Why?!

Theo:
I don't know, Vanessa. But JUST because he had his arm around with another girl, doesn't mean he doesn't care about you! You should give him another chance.

Vanessa:
That is the same kind of garbage he was trying to lay on me! Was is it with you guys, do you read from the same book of bull?! Jeremy is history! Do you know the sacrifices I made for this guy?

Theo:
Well, what if he came to you, and confessed that he made a terrible, terrible mistake?

Vanessa:
I show him the door!

Theo:
Okay, what if he said he was really, really sorry and you saw that he was in a whole lot of pain?

Vanessa:
If I see him again, he will KNOW what pain is.

(Theo and his friends imitate Kung Fu movie sound effects as they raid the fridge.)

Theo, Lou, and Mitchell:
Ah-nu-nu-nu! Ah-nu-nu-nu! Ah-nu-nu-nu-nu!

Cliff:
No-no-no-no-no!

Denny:
I had to stand up in front of the police in the police station and tell Jade that I found the watch, symbol of our love on the street.

Theo:
How'd she take it?

Denny:
She broke up with me, calling me a conniving creature. Then she turned to the police and said, "Officers, arrest him for impersonating a man."

Elvin (to Sondra):
Honey, look around! I mean there's hardly anything left. The only thing that's left is the babies' football.

Sondra:
Now that you mention it, they were very persistent. In fact, every time I tried to get up, they shoved me back down. And then you should have seen their faces when they got their hands on those babies. They were cackling! Elvin, our mothers stole our babies!

Sondra:
"Where are my babies?

Theo (joking):
Did you check under the couch?

(Sondra makes an evil look at Theo)

Clair (to Kenny):
You realize, of course, that if your brother did work at our law firm that he'd be working for me?

Kenny:
That's okay.

Clair:
But Kenny, this is the brother that you said never wanted to work for a woman.

Kenny:
I know, but he's desperate.