The Cosby Show, Season 6

Clair:
Denise is married and I don't even know her last name.

Cliff:
Mrs. Stupid.

Clair (to Theo):
You tied sponges to your butts?

Vanessa:
[hungover] Daddy? Oh, Daddy...My stomach hurts. My head...EVERYTHING hurts. Please...give me something, anything...!

Cliff:
[gently] Nothing I can give you, kid. There's no cure for this.

Theo:
I never thought Vanessa would crack under the pressure.

Clair:
What pressure?

Theo:
The pressure of growing up in this family. Because of what you guys have accomplished, people expect a lot more from us than other kids. Think about it, you're a lawyer, dad's a doctor. That's a lot of pressure mom.

Clair:
We never said "become a doctor" "become a lawyer", we said "go to school, study, become whatever you want".

Theo:
There you go, pressure! "Go to school" "become something", that's a lot of pressure, mom. All my friends see it.

Clair:
Theo, when do you feel this pressure?

Theo:
Every now and then.

Clair:
This isn't about pressure, Vanessa got drunk because she and her friends were bored. Although they had television, VCR, video cassettes, audio cassettes, books.

Cliff:
And each other.

Clair:
Thank you.

Cliff:
That they call every five minutes when they're away, yet they were bored together.

Clair:
So you see, she did not feel any pressure from us, the only pressure she felt was from her friends.

Martin:
[to Denise] You forgot to confirm the housing?

Admiral:
That's what I told you!

Martin:
Sorry, sir. I'm taken off guard. Denise, I told you!!

Denise:
I know. I'm sorry.

Admiral:
Would you like me to leave you two alone?

Mrs. McGee:
Rudy, finish cleaning the blackboard and go home! Clarence, pick up your books and go home! And I'm going to go home, and sit in a hot tub... and re-evaluate my life!

Cliff:
There's your dumb canned pumpkin, your stupid eggs, and your silly nut.

Claire:
Nutmeg, and thank you. [kisses Cliff] Will you take those wet things off before you catch a cold? [begins to unpack the groceries] Cliff, there are no eggs in here!

Cliff:
There's eggs in there! I put eggs in there, I bought eggs! [Claire lifts up the bag to show him it is empty] I don't care what that bag says, there's eggs in there!

Claire:
How am I supposed to make corn bread without eggs?

Cliff:
People don't need, uh, corn bread! Let- let 'em eat soda crackers!

Cliff:
And here we have the basement. This is the only room in the house where I can enjoy complete privacy because of the offspring repellent.

Clair:
[Singing the blues] What am I to do? Surrounded by all these men. My sailor man is at sea. Now what was his name again?

Rudy:
Would you tell my mom something for me?

Olivia:
Sure, your Mom's nice. What'd you do?

Rudy:
I borrowed some money to buy a sweat shirt.

Olivia:
That's not so bad.

Rudy:
It was the money she set out for the cleaners.

Olivia:
That's not so bad.

Rudy:
She put the money on the counter, and Kenny said he'd give me the money if I sold him my Magic Johnson poster, and I did, and he didn't, so I took the money from Mom.

Olivia:
Sorry, Rudy, I think you're on your own.

[Rudy tells Cliff that she stole money]

Cliff:
If it was just $2.30, why'd you steal it? If it was just $2.30, why didn't you just come and ask me for it?

Rudy:
If I would've asked you for the $2.30, you would've asked "What's it for?" and I would've said "A sweat shirt", and you would've said "Do you know how much they paid coal miners in 1919?"

Clair:
When are you gonna get it, Theo? This is not about living with Justine. This is about doing something behind our backs and then lying to us about what it is you're doing!

Theo:
I'm sorry.

Cliff:
The other day, you said your mother and I were controlling you with our money and that you and Justine were gonna go live your own lives. Now, did you ever stop to think what would happen if we said, "no, you can't come back here"?

Theo:
No, I didn't. Clair: Of course you didn't. Because we're your SAFETY NET! You always do this, you go out into the world and you mess up. Why? You know we're always sittin' in this house waiting to take you BACK IN! It's always been that way.

Theo:
I know, Mom.

Clair:
You come back into this house, you listen to the speech we give, just like the one your father just gave, you go right back out into the world, you mess up, and you always get to come back into the house again! Well, honey, I'm sorry, I have had enough. I do not have the strength to give you the permission to come back into this house.

Theo:
Living with Justine has been good for my study habits. I mean she helps me organize. You know, just because you guys give me money doesn't mean you can control my life. You know if you guys aren't gonna get behind us on this, then Justine and I will just have to figure out a way to do it on our own and live our own lives! [Leaves the house]

Cliff:
[to Clair] He told you!

[After Clair and Cliff decide to wait for Vanessa]

Cliff:
I want you to do me a favor: Measure my heels from where I jump to the tips of my feet where I land. [He jumps across the living room.]

Clair:
[Counts and calculates.] One... two... about eight feet.

Cliff:
Eight feet? Add another three. Because when I see Vanessa, that's how far from her I will have to be.

Clair:
You bring yourself in this house right now! (Vanessa comes in the house) And if you think of that 30-minute ride was something, believe me we've only just begun! (She shuts the door on Cliff) (Cliff comes in the house)

Vanessa:
Mom....

Clair:
SHUT UP!!! Don't you dare open your mouth when I'm asking you a question!

Cliff:
Not on the weekend.

Clair:
There she is sittin' up at local doughnut shop in Wilmington, Delaware, sipping hot chocolate, and eating crumbs, and the car gets stolen. Now a normal individual with half a gnat's brain would've said "I'm going home now but you (laughs) oh, no not you, you and your three friends put yourselves on the bus and go joyridin' off to Baltimore, all the way to BALTIMORE!"

Cliff:
What were you thinking?

Vanessa:
I wasn't thinking.

Cliff:
You got that right.

Clair:
Did you really think that the four of you could go off careening into the night, and not one single parent would find out about it, Did you really think that Vanessa?!

Vanessa:
Mom....

Clair:
SHUT UP! Because I know what was going on! You were off being wild and free with The Wretched, and singing the Wretched song! Now I know you told me about it in the car Vanessa, but just for the record one more time, how did it come to pass that you did NOT get into the concert with the Wretched and the big fun? (Vanessa doesn't speak) YOU BETTER ANSWER ME WHEN I ASK YOU A QUESTION, GIRL!

Vanessa:
We gave our tickets to a man who said he was with the band! And he wasn't and he stole them. Someone stole Janet's wallet. We ran away and we bumped into this guy Freddy Scurry a friend of Janet's brother and he gave us bus fare.

Clair:
You were lucky you have found someone to look at your little sorry selves and take pity on you.

Vanessa:
Mom, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!!!! It'll never happen again. Can I please just have my punishment?

Clair:
Vanessa please, your father and I've been through much too much this evening to be sittin' up here thinking about a punishment for you right now.

Vanessa:
But I like my punishment before I go to bed. (Clair lunges at Vanessa but Cliff holds her back)

Cliff:
Do yourself a favor and go to bed. Okay? And do me another favor please, if you're thinking about running away from home please don't take my car.

Clair:
And there's just one more thing Vanessa I have to say to you, You have prove to us that you cannot be trusted. It's gonna be a very long time before we even think of trusting you again.

Vanessa:
Mom, I said I was sorry. This is not going to happen again!

Clair:
For all I know, you're lying right now, GO TO BED!!!

Vanessa:
Mama...

Clair:
We're gonna have to do something about this child's honesty, Cliff. Now how are we going to get Vanessa to be honest about something she wants to do when she knows darn good and what we do not want her to do it? And I say that tonight before we put head to pillow to rest in this house, you and I are gonna figure this one out.

Cliff:
All right, Roy, you get the pad and the pencil and bring 'em on in to the chuck wagon and then I'll fix some coffee and some beans and a side of pork and we'll see what we can do about catching all the desperados.

Clair:
[to herself about Denise] Maybe when we were making the decision to have that child, somebody should have poured some cold water on Cliff!

Denise:
Gosh, you know, all I want to do is help children and no one will let me!

Rebecca:
Denise, why are you so hardheaded? The man didn't say that; he said you have to get an education to be of help here.

Denise:
Well, I am ready now if Uncle Wilton would work with me!

Rebecca:
Uncle Wilton already has enough children to work with; he doesn't need one as old as you! Denise, why don't you want to go to college? Why are you so afraid to go to college?

Denise:
Because! I am ready now!

Rebecca:
You know, a lot of people think they can just walk in off the street and do something because it looks easy! But they don't realize you have to work hard to make something look easy.

[After Denise reveals to Martin she didn't tell her parents that she's married to him]

Martin:
You were gonna let me go in here and meet two people who don't even know I exist, and then say, "By the way, I'm married to this guy"?

Denise:
Yeah, something like that.

Martin:
Dr. Huxtable (shakes Cliff's hand), Mrs. Huxtable (shakes Clair's hand). It's a pleasure to meet you both. Denise has told me so much about you.

Cliff:
I'm sorry we can't say the same about you.

Denise:
Mom, Dad, the Kendalls are home!

[Cliff and Clair come downstairs]

Denise:
There's someone here I'd like you to meet.

[Cliff and Clair meet Martin's daughter, Olivia]

Clair:
Oh, Martin, she's adorable. Isn't she, Cliff?

Cliff:
She's too short.

Martin:
Olivia, this is Denise's father. His name is Dr. Huxtable.

Olivia:
Hi.

Cliff:
And how are you?

Olivia:
I'm fine.

Cliff:
Good. Do you have a job?

Olivia:
No.

Cliff:
Then I guess I can't get any money out of you.

Olivia:
I have money.

Cliff:
You do? How much?

Olivia:
I have a lot of it. You can have some if you want.

Cliff:
I know this is not one of my children.

Cliff:
Vanessa was in here.

Clair:
Oh, really?

Cliff:
Well, yeah. Came in to complain there's too many people in the house, and then demanded to use our bathroom.

Clair:
Did you tell her to get a job?

Clair:
(about Denise) The child is in a room across the hall with a man and a baby and she's a baby herself. Denise doesn't know what she's doing, Cliff. Did you see her at the table? Did you see her cut that broccoli for Olivia? Those pieces were way too big. And when she wasn't looking, I cut that broccoli myself.

Clair:
Cliff, Angela Henning just called to say that while she and her husband went out, her daughter and her friends- our daughter included - decided to play the alphabet game while chug-a-lugging bourbon, and it seems that Vanessa was very drunk when she left.

Cliff:
She must have lost.

Theo:
Why couldn't they have had an essay question that said, "Write the story of Icarus"? I would have cleaned up on that.

Cliff:
Because this is not Burger King! You cannot have it your way!

Waldorf (about Cliff):
He doesn't look like he can deliver a baby!

Statler:
He doesn't look like he can deliver a pizza!

Olivia:
I don't have any friends. I live here with a bunch of old people.

Cliff:
(about being romantic) I've got five children. I don't need to prove anything to anybody!

Vanessa:
You can't tell me to leave Mom alone. Only Mom can tell me to leave her alone. Mom!

Clair:
LEAVE ME ALONE!!!