The Fairly OddParents, Season 2

Timmy:
Who are all these gifts for?

Vicky:
Nobody. I just like making you work!

Vicky:
Merry Christmas Mr. and Mrs. Turner. Is it time for my Christmas bonus?

Dad:
Yep. This year you get to leave early!

Timmy:
I love the smell of Christmas in the morning!

Chet Ubetcha:
It's ho-ho-horrible! As Christmas enters its third week, the world screams, "Christmas is entering its third week!"

Chet Ubetcha:
[on a television in a shop window] As the world falls apart at the seams, people everywhere are asking "who is responsible for this?", and "how can we tear them limb from limb?"!

Timmy:
Err... Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Cosmo:
Yeah! He's cute when he's angry!

Wanda:
What do you second rate, not-Christmas holidays want with our Timmy?

Easter Bunny:
He better unwish that wish, or he's gonna an egg where the sun don't shine!

Cosmo:
In the closet?

Cowgirl:
Merry Christmas! [Hands Timmy some gas for his snowmobile] Or, as we say in Montana; you're standing in cow manure!

Timmy:
Awesome!

Timmy:
I made it all the way across the ocean to Greenland and nothing bad happened!

[Large shark breaks through the ice and eats the snowmobile]

Timmy:
[looks to camera] Well, that's inconvenient.

Timmy:
Cookies? For dinner? With our... phone number on them?

Dad:
These aren't for you son, these are for the Chip Skylark concert!

Mom:
We're going to hurl these on stage and hope that Chip calls us, and offers to be your big brother!

Vicky:
MOVE IT, TWERP! It's called 'Pay-Per-View'; which means if I don't view, THEN SOMEONE'S GONNA PAY!

Timmy:
Yeah, well, you know what I wish? I wish something bad would happen to him!

Wanda:
Okay, but you can't wish him maimed.

Timmy:
Okay, then. I wish-

Cosmo:
Or injured.

Timmy:
Then-

Wanda:
Or beaten...or dead.

Timmy:
Fine. I wish that the worst possible non-lethal thing would happen to Chip Skylark right now!

Chip Skylark:
Tuesday's apple sauce day.

[Vicky has captured Chip Skylark and is showing him her dresses]

Vicky:
Do you like THIS one that makes me look like Mrs Chip Skylark, or THIS one that makes me look like Mrs. Chip Skylark!?!

Vicky:
I love you, Chip Skylark! I'm gonna call all my friends and invite them to the wedding! First, I gotta find some friends.

Chip Skylark:
Another day, another wackadoo holding me against my will.

Vicky:
You can watch this while I find someone who will perform a marriage ceremony between a crazed fan and a celebrity teen hostage. To the Internet!

Timmy:
I'm really sorry about [Vicky holding you hostage], Chip.

Chip:
Oh, that's all right, little pal. It's not like you wished for this to happen.

[an astronaut is planting a flag on the moon, when Timmy floats past on a skateboard]

Astronaut:
Houston, we have another problem... Over.

Controller:
It's always problem, problem, problem with you guys. Don't you ever call just to say "hi"? Over.

[Cosmo is riding on Timmy's back as he skates through a jungle, in a pastiche of Yoda and Luke in The Empire Strikes Back]

Cosmo:
Learn to skate in difficult environments you must... because scared of gorillas am I!

A.J.:
Wow! Look at Timmy roll nimbly back and forth! I mean...[looks at a book of Skate Lingo] Shred!

A.J.:
Hey! Vicky's totally cheating! I mean... [looks at a book of Skate Lingo] Cheating!

A.J.:
[explaining to Vicky why she can't do the "Timmy Tuck"] Timmy's small and nice; you're tall and weighed down with too much evil.

Cosmo:
[seeing Chester crash] "Wow, his whole face hit at the same time! He must be really good!"

Crimson Chin Action Figure:
There's evil afoot...I mean, a-Chin!

Chester:
Wow! A Timmy Turner action figure! With thumb-sucking action! Yo!

Crimson Chin Action Figure:
I eat evil...for breakfast!

Crimson Chin Action Figure:
I have goats...in my pants!

Crimson Chin Action Figure:
Justice...thy name is Chin!

Crimson Chin Action Figure:
Of all my muscles, my brain is one of 'em!

Timmy:
I wonder why I got so bored with you?

Crimson Chin Action Figure:
Check out my dimple, it's huge!

Timmy:
Now I remember; your action phrases stunk!

Vicky:
You do my dishes, and you cut my lawn.

Boy:
But these are your chores.

Vicky:
And these are High Definition photos of you two sneaking into an R-rated movie! AND...''ACTION!

Vicky:
Well, well, well, what's this? Two new toys? [grabs Cosmo and Wanda] Well, guess who they get to meet!

Tootie:
Not Mr. Hammer....

Cosmo & Wanda:
Mr. Hammer?

Vicky:
Yes, Mr. Hammer and his friend, Mrs. Saw! [Vicky takes out a hammer and saw.]

Cosmo:
Hi, Mrs. Saw! I'm Cosmo, and this is Wanda! [Wanda glares at him.] Don't you want to be a good host?

Tootie:
NO! Those are Timmy's dolls!

Vicky:
Oh, that changes EVERYTHING! [she takes out a blowtorch.]

Cosmo:
Hey! Mr. Fire! Have you met Wanda?

Vicky:
Bad dog! You know you're only supposed to do that outside or at Timmy's house!

Timmy:
I'm just...

Cosmo & Wanda:
A stupid ten year old boy!

Timmy:
Right. And I'm not interested in girls, and I won't be until I'm...

Cosmo & Wanda:
A stupid eleven year old boy!

Tootie:
Then...there's hope? THERE'S HOPE!

Crimson Chin Action Figure:
I am totally into the idea of you giving me to Tootie. This way, she'll always have a little piece of you that she can smother and choke with love.

Timmy:
Wow! That was an oddly specific action phrase.

Crimson Chin Action Figure:
I put the "man" in mandible!

Vicky:
When it rains, it melts!

Timmy:
I wish the Chin doll was indestructible and had 12,000 "I Hate Vicky" action phrases.

[Cosmo and Wanda wave their wands. Vicky fires her blow torch at the Crimson Chin action figure, but the toy remains intact]

Crimson Chin Action Figure:
Your icky, redheaded yuckiness cannot pierce the shield of Tootie's love! [Vicky fires her blow torch again, with the same result] Evil redheads make boy bands say "EWWWWW!"

Vicky:
Why won't this stupid toy BREAK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

[Mom and Dad are eating breakfast]

Dad:
Honey, you've outdone yourself again! What do you call this?

Mom:
Cold cereal and milk.

Dad:
It's marvelous! I'm falling in love with you all over again!

Dad:
Did you notice all of those nice things Timmy has? I don't remember getting him those nice things. Why don't I have nice things?! I want some nice things!

Dad:
[seeing that Timmy's room is full of stuff that he hasn't bought for him] Young man, where did you get all these nice things?

Timmy:
Uh...Internet?

Dad:
And where did you get Internet?

Timmy:
Uh...uh...

Dad:
[gasps] He's stammering! Our son is the Wall-2-Wall-Mart shoplifter! [screams like a girl]

Timmy:
What?! You don't think I stole this stuff, do you?

Dad:
[screams like a girl again]

Timmy:
That's a yes...but I didn't do it!

Dad:
[screams like a girl again then passes out]

Mom:
That's it, young man, you know you're not supposed to make your father scream like a girl three times in one day!

Cosmo:
[trying to distract Jorgen with a slideshow] And this is us vacationing in Egypt. [showing an image of Wanda in Egypt with a disgusted expression as Cosmo is also shown in the image vomiting into a barf bag]

Wanda:
Cosmo had food poisoning.

Cosmo:
[a similiar image to the first one, but set in Paris] And this is us in Paris.

Wanda:
Food poisoning.

Cosmo:
Fancy food poisoning! [shows another image with Cosmo and Wanda in a amusement park setting] And this is me getting food poisoning in Kidneyland- [Jorgen vaporizes the projector screen]

Jorgen:
Your puny slideshow does not amuse me.

Cosmo:
[cowering alongside WAnda] Well, we could just sit here cowering in fear of you.

Jorgen:
Oooh! I'll get my camera!

Police Officer:
[to Timmy, as he confronts Francis] Alright, son. Leave this law-abiding grey child alone!

Mom:
Timmy, we love you and they just want to help!

Timmy:
Oh, yeah? Do you love me enough to give me a chance to show you that you're wrong?

Dad:
Well, all right, son. One chance, but if you're wrong it's off to the clink...which I hear is nice! Why don't I get to go to the nice clink?!

Dad:
Say! Where'd you get the nice tank, son?

Timmy:
Uhh... Internet?

Mom and Dad:
Works for us!

Mom:
Was that the Dinkleberg's car?

Dad:
I hope so! That's what I was aiming for!

[While watching television, Cosmo is disguised as a box of popcorn, Timmy eats part of him]

Cosmo:
Aah! My brains! Babble and drool!

[Timmy is transformed into a Bruce Willis style action hero]

Timmy:
Awesome! I have a five o'clock shadow!

Cosmo:
And it's only 7 A.M.!

Timmy:
The horror! The pure, unadulterated PG-13 horror!

Cosmo:
[is being disintegrated by Jorgen's invention] You musn't blame yourself, even though it is all your fault.

Wanda:
Timmy, remember- we love you...

Timmy:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I goofed up this world. Now, I'm ungoofing it.

AJ:
Are you playing the Crash Nebula video game? Shouldn't you be studying?

Timmy:
What are you? My Mom?

AJ:
Hey genius, you missed the receiver.

AJ:
Nope, still off.

[Timmy is studying for his quiz]:

Cosmo:
Hey, wanna play the Not Study Game?

Timmy:
How do you play?

Cosmo:
[after shoving Timmy's textbooks off the desk] You're already playing!

Cosmo & Timmy:
YAY!

[after a "Not Study" poof, we see Cosmo and Timmy playing the Crash Nebula video game]

Timmy:
Shouldn't you be rescuing a calculator from a tree?"

A.J.:
Spell "calculator".

Timmy:
C... A... L... Q... [A.J. smiles at him] Later! [runs away]

Timmy:
I don't know anything anymore!

Cosmo:
Welcome to my world!

Wanda:
And don't make him re-live Super Toilet!

Cosmo:
It took the plunger...THE WHOLE PLUNGER! [curls into fetal position and sucks his thumb]

Super Bike:
[after Timmy says he can't win, if it would only make his dad sad] Well, if he really loved you, he'd let you [head turns into a dragon, with a demonic voice] RIDE ME!

Timmy:
Don't say that! My Dad loves me!

Super Bike:
How do you know he's not lying?

Timmy:
How do I know you're not?

Super Bike:
Well, [turns back to its regular self] I'm a bike.

Cosmo:
Hi, Super Bike! Meet Super Screwdriver!

Super Bike:
[angrily] Super Toilet!

Cosmo:
AAH! So...much...clogging! [curls into fetal position and sucks his thumb again]

Wanda:
Super Bike... Meet Super Toilet!

Timmy:
[poofing into Hairy World] Fairy World?

Hairy monster:
Hairy World.

[A fairy cow poofs in]

Cow:
Dairy World?

Timmy:
Hairy World.

Cow:
Oh darn it! [poofs away]

Cosmo:
[rubbing the wands together like sticks] Huh! If I could just light these candles, we could eat!

Wanda:
Did it ever occur to you we're in a fishbowl filled with water?

Cosmo:
That's why I'm trying to light these candles. Somebody's got to dry up all this wet food!

Timmy:
Hey guys, what's new? [the candles light]

Wanda:
Uh...the laws of physics?

Mom:
Oh, sweetie, you feel warm, and you look positively green!

Dad:
Warm? Green? Those are all the symptoms of steamed broccoli! Get the thermometer! And the salad shooter!

Mom:
[finds Wanda (as Timmy) watching TV] Timmy! What are you doing up this late? It's way past your bedtime!

Wanda:
But...uh...but...

Dad:
No "buts", young man. You march straight to bed, and don't make me get the giant robot in here.

[Mom and Dad then walk into the kitchen and find Cosmo (as Timmy) sneaking into the cookie jar.]

Mom:
Timmy! What are you doing in here? You were just in there.

Cosmo:
Uh.... no I wasn't?

Dad:
Well, that settles that. But you know you're not supposed to eat sweets this late at night...or change from pink to green.

Mom:
[seeing Cosmo disguised as Timmy] Oh no! Timmy feels warm! And he's green!

Dad:
Warm? Green? Those are all the symptoms of steamed broccoli! Get the thermometer! And the salad shooter!

Mom:
[spotting Timmy (as a gill-less fish) floating upside-down in the fishbowl] I better get the fish a thermometer, too!

[Timmy is being chased by Francis, the school bully.]

Wanda:
You know, sweetie, running away from your problems never solved anything.

Francis:
[knocking other children out of the way] Turner!

Cosmo:
But it's great cardio - run, Timmy, run!

Spanish teacher:
¿Donde esta el queso de apestoso? (Translation: Where is the American cheese?) [original airing version; all current versions substitute "American" for "smelly"]

Cosmo:
[holding up a piece of cheese emblazoned with the U.S. flag] ¡Aquí! [clears throat] Tengo un puerco en mis chones.

Wanda:
You have a hog in your pants?

Cosmo:
¡Sí! [pulls a pig out of his pants]

Spanish teacher:
Then you get extra credit!

All:
Yay! Extra credit!

Dad:
[holding two cell phones] Turner One, this is Turner Two, come in, over. Turner One come, in! WHY DON'T I ANSWER?!

Anti-Cosmo:
I'm Anti-Cosmo, [pouring tea] I'm not an idiot in any way whatsoever.

Anti-Wanda:
And I'm the Anti-Wanda! I'm incredibly stupid and I eat with my feets! [begins eating a sandwich with her feet]

Anti-Cosmo:
You see, we've been trapped behind that blasted barrier for centuries. But we knew that one Friday the 13th, some child would be stupid enough to have his fairies wish him here, and set all of us free! You're our hero; our big, stupid hero!

[the Anti-Fairies are escaping from Fairy World]

Wanda:
Jorgen, you have to get them back!

Jorgen:
And I will! I will use every urge of my awesome fairy powers to... [factory whistle appears and blows] Shift's over - your problem!

Aide:
Mister President, you almost caused a nuclear war! What are you going to do next?

President:
I'm goin' to Escalator Land!

Wanda:
I thought you liked that other amusement park, Escalator Land.

Timmy:
No way! That park was for babies...

[Flashback to Timmy's visit, riding an escalator)]

Young Timmy:
Dad, when do we get to the ride?

Dad:
This is the ride!

Mom and Dad:
Yippee!

Trixie and Veronica:
[as heard by the boys] Blah-blah shopping! Blah-blah clothes! Blah-blah hair! Blah-blah boy bands! Blah-blah we'll never notice you!

Timmy:
[after being turned into a girl] EEEEEKKKK! What did you do?! I didn't wish for this!

Wanda:
You said "I wish" and "Girl".

Timmy's Dad:
[eating Chester-endorsed breakfast cereal] Mmm! These Chester-O's are a great part of any winner's complete breakfast!

Timmy:
Don't you want to try some Timmy-O's? [pulls out a cardboard box of cereal oats with a crude crayon drawing of Timmy taped onto it and we hear a laughing baby in the background]

Timmy's Dad:
That loser cereal? That's for pack-mules. Son, I need to achieve.

Cosmo:
[cereal is thrown into fish bowl] Hey! These are for pack-mules!

Timmy:
[as a girl] I'm going out to the mall to find something Trixie would like. But just so you two have something to laugh at while I'm gone- [to Cosmo] I wish you were a woman, [to Wanda] and you were a man!

Cosmo and Wanda:
What?!

Timmy:
You're my godparents. No choice. [Cosmo and Wanda do as Timmy asked] Congratulations. You're now Cosma and Wando!

Wanda:
[after Chester bunts the ball, and it grinds against his braces] Wait! It bounced against his braces and split into twenty-seven separate, yet still-in-play, pieces of baseball.

Timmy:
[with a calculator] Let's see... 3 outs each times 9 players...twenty seven outs?!

Wanda:
That's nine innings of outs in one swing!

Umpire:
Game over! Losers lose!

Dad:
And that's all you need to know about where babies come from!

Timmy:
But what's the machine for?

Dad:
I'll tell you when you're older!

Mighty Mom:
[stopping a helicopter getaway] It sure is drafty up here.

Dyno Dad:
[to criminal] You better button up or you'll catch your death, OF JUSTICE!

Sir Finkleberg:
[greeting Timmy] What ho, tiny knight with a shield that smells like a hundred horses' butts? I am on my way to pull the sword from the stone, and claim my rightful place as King of England.

Timmy:
And you are-?

Sir Finkleberg:
I have many names; the Shining Knight, the Hammer of Fury. But you, my fellow warrior, may call me... Sir Finkleberg.

Timmy:
Finkleberg? What kind of dumb name is Finkle- [gets stomped into a crevice by Finkleberg; then pops back up] Cool! I got trampled upon by Sir Finkleberg.

Juandissimo:
Wanda, my love! [begins kissing "Wanda's" hand] I've missed you more than the sun misses the dawn!

Wanda:
Well, that's all very flattering...

Cosmo:
But that's my hand pal, and guess what, I don't need magic to turn it into a FIST! [tries unsuccessfully] [Juandissimo then turns Cosmo into a tortoise and his wand lands several feet away] When I get my wand..oh, you are in for it! [crawls towards wand]

Juandissimo:
[over-dramatically] You see how he almost turned his hand into a fist?! I am lucky to be alive!

Jorgen:
The handsome fairy has failed to rescue his godchild...[the crowd boos]...but he is still very sexy! [the crowd cheers and showers Juandissimo with flowers]

Juandissimo:
This, I can live with.

Cosmo:
[mocking Juandissimo] Hey, Muscles Magoo! [turns into Juandissimo] Look at me! I'm fancy, and my long black hair flows in the wind!

Juandissimo:
Stop making fun of my outer beauty!

Cosmo:
I'm strong, but I still lost my woman to an idiot!

[a few moments later]

Cosmo:
[turns into a fat Juandissimo] Chunky Hunky!

Juandissimo:
STOP!

Cosmo:
[turns into a fat monkey Juandissimo] Monkey Chunky Hunky!

Juandissimo:
[to Wanda] Your voice...is like the chorus of a thousand angels!

Cosmo:
Yeah?! Well, my foot is gonna feel like the chorus of a thousand- [Juandissimo turns Cosmo into a tortoise] REVENGE! REVEEEEEENGE! [starts crawling towards his wand]

Wanda:
Why doesn't he just wish for sweeter lemonade?

Cosmo:
I can do that! [he takes off his shoes and socks, then sticks his socks into a glass.]

Wanda:
I said "sweeter", not "sweatier"!

Cosmo:
Really? I thought you said, "dunk your sweaty socks in Timmy's lemonade"!

Chet Ubetcha:
This is Chet Ubetcha with BIG news...I'M THE TALLEST NEWSCASTER ALIVE! DETAILS AT ELEVEN!

Wanda:
[with Cockney accent] Oh no! Without our wands, we can't use our magic to change everything back!

Timmy:
[with Cockney accent] I say, this is a bit of a stickywicket! [normal voice] I mean, dude! This reeks!

Timmy:
Oh no! One of them is going to turn the future America into a yellow-toothed-electricity-deprived rathole!

Cosmo:
Yeah! And the other one is going to turn it into a brightly-lit democratically-run rathole!

Wanda:
Don't worry Timmy! It's not over 'till the fat lady votes!

Cosmo:
Can the principal vote?

George Washington:
[recurring] Must- chop- WOOOOOOD!

Wanda:
Cosmo thinks everything's funny. Watch. [to Cosmo, speaking in a monotone voice] Pudding.

Cosmo:
Ha-ha-ha! She said 'puh', then 'ding'!

Mom:
We're going to read fairy tales to low privileged, confused dolphins!

Dad:
We're gonna read "The Little Dolphin Who Cried..." [dolphin cry]!

Mom:
Have fun, you two!

Vicky:
Oh, don't worry. [holds up a bunny suit] We're going to redefine the word fun!

Dad:
Hey, guess what, Timmy, we're gonna grade you on your performance! We'll give you an A-! [holds out an A-]

Timmy:
An A-minus?!

Dad:
Up-bup-bup, questioning the grades, that gives you a B. [holds out a B]

Timmy:
But...

Dad:
Talking back, that gives you a C! [holds out a C]

Timmy:
A C?!

Dad:
Raising your voice! D! [holds out a Q]

Timmy:
That's a Q!

Dad:
That gives you an F, smarty pants! [hands him an F]

Dad:
Hey, guess what Timmy, we're gonna grade you on your performance!

Timmy:
Oh yeah? Then I'm gonna grade you too!

Dad:
A B?!

Timmy:
Up-bup-bup, questioning the grades gives you a C!

Dad:
Uh...uh...uh...

Timmy:
Stammering gives you a D!

Dad:
What...are you mad?!

Timmy:
Insulting the teacher, F!

Dad:
[starts to cry and leaves with Mom]

Timmy:
[Timmy is playing a Crash Nebula video game, like he did back in "Smarty Pants."] Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Cosmo:
Uh... never cook bacon with your shirt off? [whistling, removes shirt and tie, bacon splatters out of the pan]

Timmy:
No. I wish my life had a reset button!

Timmy:
This time I'm ready for Crocker's stupid test!

Mr. Crocker:
Heh. Good news, Turner. You've taken F to a new level. I'm going to give you a Super F! Heh-heh-eh-eh-heh!

[Timmy pushes the re-do button]

Mr. Crocker:
A D! As in...don't get your hopes up for a high-paying career! [chuckles]

[Timmy pushes the re-do button]

Mr. Crocker:
B! As in...but you're not supposed to be this smart.

[Timmy pushes the re-do button]

Mr. Crocker:
An A-! As in...oh, wait, I give so few A's, I have no prepared sarcasm.

Veronica:
Do I think Timmy Turner is neat? Actually, my love for him burns with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns, but I can't let Trixie know that. [typing] No way, he's gross!

Timmy:
Oh, great. The crazy one likes me.

Various moms:
[recurring line] (name of child), I'm respecting your privacy by knocking but asserting my authority as your mother/father by coming in anyway! [breaks down door with battering ram]

Cosmo:
This year, I'm a floating human janitor.

Wanda:
And I'm a floating human nurse.

Cosmo:
Who floats!

Vicky:
And I'm the Wicked Witch of "Where's-My-Candy?!"

Dad:
I'm going as your mom!

Mom:
And I'm going as your dad!

Timmy:
And I'm going straight to therapy.

Jack-O-Bots:
Activate gloat mode!

Vicky:
LOOK CHIP! I found the only Justice of the Peace on earth who can marry a couple against their will!

: Vicky: [refusing to give Timmy the crown] Oh, you want this crown? You got a better chance of some loser 12 year old waistory falling out of the sky and plowing me into the ground! [Francis falls out of the sky on a skateboard screaming and plowing Vicky in the ground.]