The L Word, Season 2

Bette:
Tina... I didn't try to see you or call you until now because I wanted to make sure that I could do what you asked of me. I promise, I'm never going to see Candace again. I'm never going to speak to her again. I'm never ever going to think about her again. I miss you. More than that, I made you. And, I don't think I could live without you. It is completely and totally over.

Tina:
When did you end it?

Bette:
This morning. I told her that you were the love of my life and that I didn't know what I was doing and that I must have gone temporarily insane.

Tina:
Did you tell her in person, or on the phone?

Bette:
Why does that matter?

Tina:
Because I drove by the house at 2:00 AM, and your car wasn't there. Did you fuck ALL night before you told her that I was the love of your life this morning?

Alice:
This coffee tastes like poopie-shit! Where's Marina?

Alice:
Ariana Huffington is fifty. She's not really your type. She's kinda fancy.

Shane:
I'm doing her hair, Al, I'm not gonna fuck her.

Alice:
Oh, okay. 'Cause the old Shane would.

Shane:
Huh. [Dana joins the table] Well in that case, if she's hot...

Tonya:
[to Dana] Honey, Shane is doing Ariana Huffington.

Dana:
You're doing Ariana Huffington? She's fifty, Shane!

Shane:
Her hair.

Dana:
Ah.

[Shane and Alice are at the Planet talking when they see the annoying Tonya walk in]

Shane:
Oh, shit.

Alice:
Oh no, I cannot take Cruella DeVille this morning. Do something... uh... pretend I'm upset.

Shane:
What? What?

Alice:
Put your arm around me! Um... I'll just start sobbing, and...

[Shane complies by putting her arm on Alice]

Alice:
Obviously it'll be a really intimate moment. I mean... no halfway, sensitive person would ever dream of interrupting.

Tonya:
Guys! You guys!

[Tonya sits at their table, completely unaware of their private moment. Alice and Shane make faces, then go back to what they were doing]

Tonya:
This place is falling apart! Did you guys hear what happened to Marina?

Tonya:
[Dana and Tonya have gone to see Dana's parents to get their blessing for the wedding] Sharon... I was engaged once before, I don't know if Dana ever told you.

Sharon Fairbanks:
No, she didn't.

Tonya:
Well... it was with a man. His name was Bayard. He was smart and successful... he was a real estate lawyer. He was totally in love with me. Now, I tried really hard to make that one work. But every night I would wake up in the middle of the night, crying. And one night, Bayard woke up and he found me like that. Do you know what he did?

Irwin Fairbanks:
Damned if I do.

Tonya:
He got down on one knee, and he said, "Tonya, will you not marry me? Because I know what's in your heart. And I love you too much to make you unhappy. Be true to yourself Tonya. Follow your heart".

[Sharon begins to cry and Dana and Tonya hug her]

Jenny:
How are you?

Bette:
How were you when your life fell apart?

Jenny:
I was a mess.

Bette:
That's it. That's me.

Jenny:
Is that Carmen spinning?

Shane:
Yeah, I hooked her up with Kit.

Jenny:
Aren't you going to go say hi?

Shane:
[with a forced grin] I did. [at Jenny's look] What?

Jenny:
I don't know, it's just sometimes you remind me of guys I used to date in high school.

Alice:
[as she approaches Shane across the dance floor] Sorry... excuse me... Shane! Ah! 'kay, I have to tell you something I'm really not s'posed to tell you.

Shane:
Fight the urge.

Alice:
But I... But I can't!

Shane:
Try.

Alice:
But it's hard!

Shane:
I know, but try!

[Tina hasn't told Bette about the baby]

Alice:
I mean, she's GOTTA know. Is she fucking blind?

Bette:
Did you know that Tina is pregnant?

Jenny:
Yeah. Bette you didn't know? Oh my GOD how did you not know?

Bette:
Because I am the biggest fucking asshole in the universe, I guess that's how! Because I am just some huge cosmological joke, is what I am!

Jenny:
No you're not. Okay. Tina obviously must have gone out of her way to keep this a secret from you.

Bette:
She must hate me. She must actually fucking hate me.

Jenny:
No she doesn't hate you.

[Bette makes a toast]

Bette:
Dana... Tanya. I lift my glass to caring, kindness, and trust, and longevity, and respect. To all the things that you will need to keep your love alive. I wish you happiness. And I hope you forever spare each other pain. [long pause, smiling, holding back tears] And if you find that isn't possible, then I wish you forgiveness. [drinks, then walks out without looking at Tina]

[Bette and Tina are talking on the phone]

Bette:
And you know who's responsible for this? Your buddy Helena Peabody. That woman's a fucking dragon, and she's making my life a living hell.

[Tina does not respond]

Bette:
Oh, please don't tell me you're sleeping with her.

Tina:
Bette...

Bette:
[frustrated tone] Are you sleeping with her? Are you fucking sleeping with her?

Tina:
It's none of your fucking business!

Bette:
Don't do it, Tina. That woman will eat you alive. She's a vampire.

Tina:
[sarcastic] Yeah, and a dragon.

Bette:
That's right. She's a monster! However you want to categorize it, she likes to fuck people for sport and...

Tina:
And you don't? Like that time with Candace?

Burr Connor:
[admitting that he is gay] I am a card carrying member of the Cock-Sucker's Club.

Carmen:
[being interviewed by Mark] My name is Carmen de la Pica Morales. The first time I knew I was gay... I was 16 back then. I fell madly in love with Lucia Torres. She was Pablo Fuentes' girlfriend. In my high school, you just... you didn't fuck with Pablo's girl. But I did.

Shane:
[to Mark, with urge to pee, but having seen that Jenny and Carmen are having sex in the bathroom] Use the bushes.

Dana:
Don't laugh, OK?

[Comes out from bathroom naked wearing a strap-on]

Alice:
[pause] Fuck... Who's laughing?

Alice:
[whispering in Dana's ear] I want you to fuck me really hard with a strap-on.

Dana:
[to Alice about using a strap-on] Is it a bisexual thing? You tryin' to have your cake and eat your pussy too?

[Mark tries to make amends after Jenny discovers he has been filming her and Shane on hidden cameras]

Mark:
I wish so much that there was something I could do.

Jenny:
No, I don't think there's anything that you can do. I think you did it.

Mark:
When I moved in here, I was the type of guy who was capable of doing shit like this. But I am not that guy anymore. I know that I've said it before, but you and Shane have made me a better man.

Jenny:
Oh, fuck off, Mark. It's not my job to make you a better man and I don't give a shit if I've made you a better man. It's not a fucking woman's job to be consumed and invaded and spat out so that some fucking man can evolve.

Mark:
That's not what I meant.

Jenny:
What the fuck are you talking about, then, Mark? You give me one reason why you think that I should forgive you.

Mark:
Because, Jenny. I made a big, big mistake. But from that I have learned how difficult it is to be a woman.

Jenny:
Ugh. Please. [walks away]

Mark:
Wait, Jenny! Hey! Look at this! [strips naked]

Jenny:
What are you doing?

Mark:
Is this what you want?

Jenny:
No. [hurls a pen at him] What I want is for you to write "fuck me" on your chest. Write it. Do it! And then I want you to walk out that door and I want you to walk down the street, and anybody that wants to fuck you, say, "Sure! Sure! No problem!" And when they do, you have to say, "Thank you very, very much." And make sure that you have a smile on your face. And then, you stupid fucking coward, you're gonna know what it feels like to be a woman.

[after Tina tells her she wants to start seeing Bette again]

Helena:
[condescendingly] Oh, I'm sorry. Did you think we were exclusive?

[Dana refuses to believe Howie when he comes out]

Howie:
I've known since I was 4, Dane.

Shane:
That's the cycle of life. We start out eating baby food and wearing a diaper and we go out that way.

Shane:
[laughs] I like a girl with ambition.

Carmen:
[also laughs] Fuck you!

Shane:
Okay, if you want.

[they kiss]

Bette:
[entering the bathroom] Baby, are you okay?

Tina:
[smiles] I think my water just broke. Oh my God.

Bette:
[calls the hospital] Hi Davina, it's Bette Porter, I am in the bathroom of the Wiltern theater with Tina and a huge puddle of water.

Peggy:
I hope you girls write fabulous, sick, neurotic, tortured love poems to one another.

Bette:
[smiling] I'm actually working on several right now.

Peggy:
Send me one, would you, Bette?