The L Word, Season 4

Bette:
[at Joyce Wichnia's office] Tina's not qualified to parent a biracial child.

Tina:
Oh, yeah, and I was qualified to sleep with one for eight years?

Bette:
Obviously, you weren't qualified for that, either!

Max:
I just don't know why we can't work it out.

Jenny:
Because you identify as a straight man. So there's the mismatch because you want me to be your straight girlfriend to your straight guy. And I identify as a lesbian who likes to fuck girls. And you're not a girl.

[Alice and Jenny are explaining the concept of the online version of The Chart to Helena.]

Helena:
Do you have to sleep with someone first?

Alice:
Well, I mean, when I first put it up, that was the core concept. Like, you know, Jenny slept with Tina, who slept with Annie...

Helena:
[to Jenny] You slept with Tina?

Jenny:
Nooo! I would never sleep with Tina.

Alice:
No, no, hypothetically.

Joyce Wischnia:
Well, I'm glad to see that you've made your decision.

Bette:
What decision have we made?

Joyce Wischnia:
Mommy Dearest One and Mommy Dearest Two will be fighting this out in a court of law... which in the end is not a terrible thing.

Tina:
How is that not a terrible thing?

Bette:
Yeah, in what universe is that not a terrible thing?

Joyce Wischnia:
Well, in the universe of my bank account for one.

Joyce Wischnia:
[to baby Angelica] And you, my little sweet, you will be known in the press as Baby A, the artificially conceived daughter of a bisexual, white movie exec and a biracial, lesbian art-world titan. Oh, my gosh. The fundamentalists will picket. Liberals and feminists will argue among themselves. Good Christian folks will write into the op-eds, offering to adopt her away from her sick and perverted, warring parents.

Alice:
[reading a message from Papi on her computer] "Tonight, ten p.m. I'll be there. Will you?" Oh yeah, sure you will, Papi.

Tina:
You call your computer "Papi"?

Alice:
Oh, no, it's this girl on Our Chart. Papi. You know, she has more hits than Shane. How do you not know this? Where have you been? Oh, right. Stuck in the far reaches of Heteroville, that's right.

Shane:
Helena hates me, doesn't she?

Alice:
No, she doesn't hate you. But you know, apart from Carmen she is the one who got hurt the most. You know she's my roommate now?

Shane:
Really?

Alice:
Yeah.

Shane:
Well, what do you think I could do to make it up to her?

Alice:
You got forty million dollars stashed away in a sock?

Shane:
What?

Nadia:
Wow. Are you... are you an athlete?

Bette:
[a beat] No. Why?

Nadia:
Because you have, uhh... because you have very beautiful arms.

Bette:
[laughs nervously] Uhh, I do some, you know, some yoga every now and again. I just, I really don't have any time to do anything more than that.

Nadia:
My ex-girlfriend was a professional boxer and your arms sort of reminded me of hers.

Bette:
[chuckles] Well, I'm not a boxer, so I better not get into a ring with her.

[Both laugh awkwardly]

Alice:
Well, Papi, you have become sort of a legend in about uh... two days on my website. You crashed my whole server.

Papi:
What can I say, I've been blessed. Seems the ladies like me as much as I like them.

Alice:
We're talking about a helluva lot of ladies.

Papi:
Like I said: I've been blessed... a lot.

Papi:
[whispers in Alice's ear] You make me bad...

Alice:
[moans] Oh wow... [gasps] What are you doing?

Papi:
[whispers] Circles!

Alice:
Ohh...!

Papi:
Magic circles!

Alice:
[moans] Circles!

Papi:
Circles are good right?

Alice:
[moans] Oh yeah, circles are good!

Papi:
Aha!

Alice:
Yeah circles. [gasps] Oh wow circles. [moans]

Papi:
You like that?

Alice:
Oh yeah I really think I like circles! [moans louder] Oh wow, yeah circles, circles are great Papi! [moans even louder] Circles are great Papi! [gasps loudly between breaths] Oh Papi, oh Papi, oh my god Papi, Papi, Papi!

Nadia:
[seeing Bette rub her shoulder] Do you have a knot? Do you want me to unlock it?

Bette:
Uh... it... it's okay. No, really, it's fine.

Nadia:
[rubbing Bette's shoulders anyway] Oh, wow. You are really tight. God, do you feel that? It's right there.

Bette:
[whispering] Nadia, please...

Nadia:
Do you want me to find you a body worker? Because, oh my gosh, I have the most amazing Ayurvedic healer, and he, he went so deep...

Bette:
I, uh, I'd prefer a woman.

[Bette's embarrassed and realizes what she just blurted out]

Nadia:
[a beat] Well. That can be arranged, Dean Porter.

Bette:
I just need to find out, uh, what conferences C.U. has hosted. I know that we did the Global Sustainability last August...

Nadia:
Where Dr. Gorsham sustained multiple hickeys from his two teaching assistants.

Bette:
You mean he slept with both of them?

Nadia:
Don't be shocked. It happens all the time.

Bette:
Well, that doesn't make it acceptable.

Nadia:
No, but we're all adults, Bette. I mean, in a cloistered environment like a university, it would be absurd to think that there weren't relationships between faculty and students.

Jenny:
Why are you applying for a job as a receptionist?

Helena:
I would pretty much do any job right now that doesn't involve sex or touching insects, otherwise I'm gonna be stuck here with Alice in this sweet little one bedroom.

Brad:
Look, I'm not a homophobe, you know what I'm saying? But, uh... Look, if my son came home and he told me that he was gay... I mean, I'm sure I would come around to it but... You know, at first there would be a reaction and... I'm sorry, I'm just trying to be honest here, alright?

Bette:
An honest homophobe, how nice.

Tina:
Bette, don't get into it.

Bette Porter:
No, I... I understand, Brad. I mean, you find gay sex repulsive and you don't care about your son's personal happiness as much as you do for your own comfort level. Right?

Bette:
[speaking rapidly with a lowered voice] Girls, girls, okay, here's the deal: Phyllis Kroll, Executive Vice Chancellor of California University, very accomplished, very dignified, very much my boss, I repeat, very much my boss. She's been married twenty five years and is now at this relatively late date convinced she's a lesbian and is peeking out of the closet as we speak, so please, please, please be nice to her and try to talk to her and try not to make her feel like she's the oldest fucking lesbian on the planet. [gets up] Phyllis! Hi, it's good to see you.

[Papi is trash-talking Bette while they are playing basketball against each other]

Bette:
Who you callin' Brown Barbie, you fuckin' Carmalita Tropicana!

Alice:
[to Bette about Phyllis] You know she's not my normal type. Not that I have a type.

Alice:
Right, right. Oh, wait, he's talking to me! So weird. Huh?... What?... OK, I'll tell her. He said don't ever fucking compare yourself to him!

Tom Mater:
[lighting a joint for Bette] Come on Dean. Alright, none of that Clintonian shit now - inhale!

[Talking over whether Helena should have sex to erase her gambling debt, and whether she'd feel like a whore after]

Kit:
We all been there, one way or another. Once I gave a blow job to a horn player. [Everybody gives Kit a funny look] So I could get a line of cocaine!

Helena:
And afterwards? How did you feel?

Kit:
High. I was a high 'ho.

Jodi:
[to Bette] Yes, I fucked her. But it didn't work. Every time I looked at her, my head filled with pictures of you. Her skin didn't feel as soft as yours. I didn't like the way she touched me. And her kiss... didn't make my head spin the way yours does. You've ruined me for anybody else.

[in sign language; subtitled]

Jodi:
Hello, Amy.

Amy:
"Hello, Amy?"

Jodi:
Let me call you at home.

Amy:
Cut the crap. Talk to me now!

Jodi:
Okay. What do you want?

Amy:
You tossed me aside like a piece of garbage!

Jodi:
We talked about this.

Amy:
We didn't talk. YOU talked! You're a fucking, heartless, cunt!

Jodi:
You told me you understood.

Amy:
Well, I lied.

Jodi:
What do you want me to say?

Amy:
You don't want to feel tied down. You could never commit to one person.

Jodi:
I didn't think I could. I was telling you the truth.

Amy:
What? You fuck me all night long and then you told me in the morning that you were in love with someone else?

Jodi:
Okay, what do you want me to say?

Amy:
Fuck you! She must be an incredible fuck! Does she whisper sweet things in your ear? Make you feel like a part of the world.

Jodi:
[shouting in her own voice] FUCK YOU! I fucking did my best!

Amy:
[shouting in her own voice] Well, fuck you, you fucking fuck!

[Jenny barges in on a meeting she was deliberately left out of]

Tina:
Oh Jenny, we thought that you were uh...

Jenny:
That I was uh... completely clueless? Someone to fuck with?

Tina:
No, of course not...

Jenny:
Someone who didn't realize what a lying duplicitous scheming excuse you are for a friend? [to Kate] Be careful if you're doing business with this woman because she actually eats her own.

Kate Arden:
Actually, Jenny, Tina's been a really good friend to you, as a matter of fact she's protected you...

Jenny:
She just wants to fuck you! She does. She just wants to get in your pants...

Tina:
Shut the fuck up, Jenny, OK? You're a cunt! Bette almost lost her job because of you!

Alice:
[to Dana's "ghost"] You really curse a lot more now!