The League, Season 5

Ruxin:
Wait a minute, is this my team? I've got four kickers and no quarterback. It looks worse than Aaron Hernandez's alibi.

Taco:
What happened to Aaron Hernandez? Is he okay?

Andre:
I refuse to poison our union.

Taco:
You mean more than you already have, with your widow-making death jizz?

Kevin:
I gotta yobogoya!

Jenny:
No!

Pete:
Yes!

Kevin:
Where's the nearest bathroom?!

Pete:
I think they're pretty far.

Kevin:
No options!

Pete:
What are you gonna do?

Kevin:
[runs to the ocean] No options! Can't hold in!

Pete:
Go, Kevin, go!

Taco:
[with camera] I'm getting it!

Kevin:
You're filming this?!

The others:
OH!

Pete:
Sea biscuit!

Ted:
Dibs on "sea biscuit" as my new team name!

Kevin:
I'm not Seabiscuit!

Jenny:
I gotta have vacation sex with that!

Ruxin:
Oh, God, Pacific Ocean forever unclean!

Trixie:
I am so sick of your bullshit! I don't even like any of you people, you have horrible style. This is MY WEDDING! F*** your league! F*** it!

Kevin:
So wait, you masturbated and she went blind.

Andre:
Yeah.

Pete:
Wonder if she grew hair on her hands too.

Jenny:
I'm so sorry he sacked your son.

Kristin Cavallari:
That wasn't a sack.

Kevin:
That was a sack and a strip.

Kristin:
No one sacks a Cutler.

Kevin:
Have you seen your offensive line? I think everybody sacks a Cutler.

Ruxin:
What we should be worrying about is people changing team names mid-season.

Kevin:
Well, I had to. Ellie was asking too many questions about "The Pleasures of Andre's Sister."

Pete:
Well, we have all the answers for her.

Kevin:
Yeah, that's what I'm trying to avoid. So we just changed it to something a little more G-rated.

Ruxin:
"Too Hot to Handle"?

Andre:
Yeah, I like it.

Kevin:
This is the stuff you're gonna have to worry about once Geoffrey starts asking questions about your team name.

Ruxin:
Oh, "Pete Top, Kevin Bottom"? No, I didn't have to explain it to him. He intuitively understood that you were the submissive.

Taco:
Hey, Shitsipper, you're six orders behind. What's going on?

Ruxin:
I'm cooking as fast as I can. You got a tiny hibachi here.

Taco:
You're not supposed to cook all the way through the meat.

Ruxin:
Yeah, you are.

Taco:
You leave it raw on the inside, you're wasting heat.

Ruxin:
By the way, you don't have any soap left. I can't wash my hands with anything.

Taco:
Oh, Princess wants some soap. Ruxin, I don't think you realize this, but the stuff I steal costs money. Why aren't you wearing the hairnet I gave you?

Ruxin:
'Cause the hairnet you gave me is just a lacy thong, and from how stiff it is, I believe it's been used.

Taco:
Of course it's used, that helps it catch the hair.

Kevin:
How are you doing?

Jenny:
I, honestly, am in a lot of pain.

Kevin:
Bam! You're welcome. I call that move the kidney shifter.

Jenny:
No, things are just not good down south. It's...like Mississippi Burning.

Kevin:
I never saw that movie.

Jenny:
Well, it's not a comedy. Is there anything I need to know about? Has your...[indicating his package] been cleared to play?

Kevin:
No, I don't have anything.

Jenny:
Well, I don't have anything either, but something set fire to these crosses.

Kevin:
I don't know what to tell you, sweetheart.

Jenny:
How about telling the truth.

Kevin:
Okay, fine, you want the truth? Okay, I have been using your toothbrush for the last three weeks 'cause I can't find mine, and I left CB at a grocery store once.

Jenny:
Me too.

Kevin:
But I am as clean as a mountain stream.

Jenny:
I am as pure as the driven snow.

Kevin:
I am spotless.

Jenny:
Impeccable.

Kevin:
Unsoiled!

Jenny:
Unsullied!

Kevin:
Unstained, and I'll piss in every glass that we own to prove it!

Jenny:
This isn't a lab, Kevin; that's just ruining our glassware. Will you just get your equipmunk checked?

Kevin:
Don't start equipmunk stuff.

Jenny:
[as Kevin leaves] Equipmunk wrong! Equipmunk dirty! [to herself] Equipmunk make my downstairs hurty.

Jenny:
Andre, did I just walk into my house and hear you yell at my kid?!

Andre:
Yeah, 'cause she's being a jackass.

Jenny:
Well, she's our jackass! We made her that way!

Kevin:
When do we get to meet this secretive lady you're keeping from us?

Pete:
Eh, whatever.

Ruxin:
Have you crossed over the perv Rubicon into...underage ladies?

Pete:
No, it's nothing like that. I just got involved with a... married woman.

Jenny:
[appalled] Peter!

Kevin:
[smiling] Man, that's... [off Jenny's look, changing tone] that's wrong. You shouldn't do that. That hurts people

Jenny:
Try that again like you're not in a hostage video.

Jenny:
How is married life for you, Peter?

Pete:
It's incredibly frustrating right now. I can't meet her here, I can't meet her there.

Andre:
Sounds like you need a super-secret plan-you know, follow her into a dress shop, wait until she goes into the dressing room, then you follow behind her and you slam the door, you look at her...

Pete:
Okay, hold on a second. Andre, Andre, are you reading Danielle Steel again?

Andre:
Well, I haven't stopped. You know, I like to complete an author.

Pete:
She's got, like, 178 books!

Andre:
What's wrong about reading a book that can make you moist? [The others groan in disgust] What, I can't say "moist"?

Kevin:
No, stop it!

Andre:
"Moist" is the classy "wet."

Pete:
Stop! You know what? Let me explain to you the modern-day affair. It's about, she tells me she's going to the gym, I have to drive 50 minutes across town, through traffic, to get there. It's extremely complicated.

Jenny:
Doesn't seem that complicated for her. I don't think you are her first, Pete-she didn't break the seal of adultery on you. You're not that special.

Pete:
Um, excuse me, you don't know her. Georgia is a very nice person, she happens to be unhappy in her marriage, but she's promised me that I am the only person she's ever slept with outside of her marriage. [The others laugh hard] Oh, and why is this so funny?

Jenny:
Okay, you know what, that is the female version of, "officer, I swear to God she looked 18."

Pete:
[leaves in a huff] Enough, all right? I'm not just gonna sit here and listen to this just 'cause you guys are jealous that I'm having a great time.

Jenny:
Oh, I'm sure she's telling you the truth.

Kevin:
She's not lying to you. She's never lied to anyone except her husband, children, family, in-laws, everyone else she feels is sacred in her life.

Ruxin:
I don't agree with what you've done to the sanctity of marriage.

Pete:
Because it's not right?

Ruxin:
No, because it's not fair. It's bad enough that you flaunt your not being married in our face, but now you're peeing all over an actual marriage. So I decided to take a thick, hot, dehydrated, yellow, ropey pee all over your trade.

Ruxin:
If my kid is gonna hate Jews, it's 'cause he's self-loathing, not 'cause he's anti-Semitic.

Pete:
Am I seriously gonna lose to Taco? Come on! Vernon Davis is in a cast, so I bench him. Now he scores two touchdowns? What the hell's going on?

Andre:
So weird. You should check his Twitter, maybe.

Pete:
He's not Tweeting, he's playing a game, Andr... [checking feed on phone] Wait a minute, he is Tweeting. [reading Tweet featuring pic of Vernon with Andre] "Suck it, Pete #youvejustbeendoubleentendred"?

Ruxin:
You guys talking about the Should've-Would've-Could've Bowl?

Pete:
Enough. Yeah, we're in the Sacko Bowl, we get it.

Ruxin:
Uh-uh-uh, I believe it's not called the Sacko anymore-it's called the Ruxin.

Kevin:
Certain people are referring to it as the Ruxin.

Ruxin:
Well, one of you two losers will be living with the Ruxin for the next year.

Pete:
You know what? That trophy looks more like Joe Paterno than it actually looks like you.

Ruxin:
And just the ghost of Joe Paterno, it will loom like a shame cloud over you. You saw, but you didn't act. You knew what was happening, and you let it happen, and your legacy has been tainted.

Rafi:
This girl's kosher! That means I got to put my meat in one hole, and my milk in the other!

Taco:
You might wanna stretch your jaw, Pete, cause you're gonna eat a lot of shit this week.