The Life and Times of Juniper Lee, Season 2

Ray Ray:
Dude, what's with the skirt?

Monroe:
[insulted] For the last time, boy, it's not a skirt! It's a kilt! Nor is it a costume! I happen to be chilly! Now let's be done with this senseless ritual so I can go home already!

Ray Ray:
Dude, we haven't even hit our stride.

Vikki Devyne:
You must be Juniper. What brings you here?

June:
Uh, we've got a problem with the monster kids in Orchid Bay. It seems you, um, cut a deal with…

Vikki Devyne:
Oh, right, the Thompson boy. Nice kid. Didn't want to be a monster. I love to help people, I'm a real people person. It's really all about love. [speaks into her intercom headset] Bobby, where's my protein shake?! If it's not in here by the time I finish this sentence, you're fired! You're fired, fired! BRING ME MY SHAKE, AND NO BANANA!!!!

June:
Yeah, it's just that… Well, you turned all monster children in Orchid Bay into humans, and not just Evan Thompson.

Vikki Devyne:
Listen, sweetheart, I broke our packages. If I change one monster, I gotta change 'em all. It's an all-or-nothing deal. The kid initialed the contract.

June:
Oh, come on. He didn't know what he was doing. And now the natural balance of the world is all screwy and I have to fix it, so if you could see it in your heart…

Vikki Devyne:
Listen, sweetheart, You seem like a nice kid and I'd really really like to help, but my hands are tired, and by that, I mean I don't want to! I work deals here, okay? If you had something I wanted, then maybe we'd be having a conversation.

June:
Well, what do you need?

[Bobby comes in with Vikki's protein shake as she tastes it, but spits it in disgust]

Vikki Devyne:
For starters, a protein shake that doesn't taste like an elephant's butt! AND I SAID NO BANANA!!!! [disintegrates Bobby] There was a glorious protein shake that I used to get when I was just a little assistant agent demon in the underworld land of Quegara. I woulda taste that again.

June:
Alright, I'll get it for you. If I do, will you turn the monster kids back?

Vikki Devyne:
You got yourself a deal, sweetheart, but the offer expires at midnight. After that, the spell will be too powerful to overturn and those kids will be human forever.

June:
[as they shake hands] Capeesh!

Ray Ray:
...And "Pow"!

Juniper:
Oh, look - you can't pow if you don't have any powers! (Ray Ray's about to interrupt) Nugh. Uh-uh. Shoving 45 grapes into your mouth doe not count as a power.

Ray Ray:
...and two up my nose! Aw, c'mon, June, you gotta give me more game-time! It's like you're President, and I'm the VP, and when you croak, I gotta be ready to hit the field.

Juniper:
Good to hear you're so anxiously awaiting my demise.

Ray Ray:
Mom, can I have a credit card?

Mrs. Lee:
No.

Ray Ray:
ATM?

Mrs. Lee:
No. (pause) No!

Ray Ray:
Library card?

(Beat)

Mrs. Lee:
Glad to see you take an interest in reading!

Ray Ray:
Knowledge is power, toots!

Mrs. Lee:
...What did you call me?

Ray Ray:
I love you!

Monroe:
what's the Orch of Drakaron for?

Juniper:
Well, goblins use it to transport stuff back and forth, so it should work switching his brain. ...(scratches head)... Right?

Monroe:
Eh, it's worth a shot.

Ray Ray:
Worth? A shot? This is my melon you're playin' all fast and loose with!

Monroe:
True, it wouldn't be the greatest loss.

Juniper:
...Hey, don't worry, (patting on Ray Rays snout) I know what I'm doing. (Points the stone)

Ray Ray:
(whispering) Other way, lass...

Juniper:
...Oh. Yeah.

(Ray Ray falls down after his mind being transferred to a new body)

Juniper:
Ray Ray! Ray Ray! Are you alright? Say something!

Ray Ray:
(wakes up) ...I'm starving! Man, what a ride! Let's do that again!

Monroe:
I'd say his brain is workin' at full capacity.

Juniper:
Augh. (June hugs him, then hits him lightly) Now stay out of my room!

Ray Ray:
Ow! Okay, already!... Do I look taller? I feel taller!

(Ray Ray tries to hide his big hands in the sink and splashes everywhere with them)

Ray Ray:
Hi guys, didn't hear you coming.

Juniper:
Mmmm. Listen Ray Ray, I kind of feel bad about snapping it before, so... here (invites him an ice cream)

(Ray Ray tries to not show Juniper his huge hands)

Ray Ray:
Emmmm no. thanks. Really wanna get this dishes done.

(suspiciously)

Juniper:
Are you feeling okay?

(After Juniper leaves Ray Ray takes his hands out of the sink)

Ray Ray:
Ahh. Big hands comes big responsibilities...and no ice cream. (Looking at his wet hands) Whoa! I have to moisturize this puppies.

Dennis:
(to the camels) Yo, ugly! One hump or two? Ha, ha, ha!

Juniper:
Are you the zookeeper?

Gigi:
(in disguise) No, I'm a creepy old man who lives with animals and likes the smell of dung.

(Pause, June gives him a look)

Gigi:
YES, I'm the zookeeper!

Ray Ray:
(to Monroe) You froze my mom!

Monroe:
Aye.

Ray Ray:
Dude, do you know how many times that would of saved my butt?!

Monroe:
As much as I love a conversation about your posterior, I'd got to get going, you stay here and make sure your mother doesn't defrost.

Ray Ray:
Hey, how'd you know I was trackin' you dude? 'Cuz I was makin' with the whole ninja-following thing....

Monroe:
Well, Your Stealthiness, it's hard to pin-point the exact security breach, it could have been when you ran into that trash can, stopped to order a chocolate shake at Mountain Burger Queen drive-thru or started making that ridiculous noise you with your straw!

Ray Ray:
What this? (makes noise with the straw) I thought it sounded like a owl.

Juniper:
I hear you need protection. What have you got?

Captive:
How about some Belgian Chocolate?

(Juniper slams a food tray into T-Bone's face, knocking him out)

Juniper:
ANYONE ELSE WANT SOME OF THIS?!

Micheal:
(walks up to a frozen Barbara) Honey, which do you like better, the red tie, or the blue tie? (she is frozen pointing) You're right, red is power.

Ray Ray:
(to Juniper) Whoa! You are one ugly monkey. Ha, ha, ha!

Juniper:
Helloo-oo, I'm a lemur, tree-dwelling prosimian from Madagascar! Big difference.

Ray Ray:
Woohoo, prison break! They'll never take us alive!

Monroe:
Why do you always say that? I prefer to be taken alive.

Ray Ray:
Ladies and gentlemen, Please proceed to the exit in an orderly fashion... AS FAST AS YOU CAN!

(Juniper's Mom gets frozen again)

Juniper:
Monroe!

Monroe:
He grabbed it from me.

(Ray Ray chuckles)

(After Juniper sees her mother hid the pimple with the foundation)

Juniper:
(examines her face in the mirror) ...Ohh... My hair's too straight and I have a flat nose.

Barbara:
You are so pretty! You're unique, there's nobody else like you in the world!

Juniper:
Yeah. Lucky for the world.

Jody:
Ophelia, you shouldn't drink iced tea. It'll stain your teeth!

Ophelia:
Yeah, exactly.

Juniper:
But don't you wanna look nice for your parents?

Ophelia:
If I did, would I do this to my hair? ...Oh by the way Jody, you got spinach in your teeth.

Jody:
Impossible! I avoided it for months! (runs away holding hand over teeth)

Juniper:
Too cruel Ophelia.

Ophelia:
So? I'm ruining picture day. It's just companies preying on parental vanity, schnookering them into buying a million eight-by-tens and wallet-sizes.... Capitalism! Bleugh. What would our forefathers say if they saw us today?

(Ray Ray appears in a disguise of Abraham Lincoln)'

Ray Ray:
Give me liberty or give me death!

Hench-Demon:
(disguised as a human photographer) Take off the hat, dearie.

Roger:
Uh, my lid is kinda my signature.

Teacher:
She said lose it jester. (Roger has a pained look and takes his hat off, revealing an afro)

Hench-Demon:
Aaalright, put it back on.

Roger:
I can't without help.

(Roger bumps into the waiting line Ophelia's iced tea is spilled on June, her pimple shows up again from under the foundation)

Juniper:
Ugh... Oh no... My pimple! I can't take a picture looking like this!

Jody:
Don't worry! I got your back. (Jody reveals a make-up case and tries to cover up June's pimple)...You're not exactly my color.(June's face looks pale)

Ophelia:
(brightly) I like it! It's very "Night of the Living Dead".

Teacher:
End of the line, girls.

Juniper:
Oh, please, I can't take a picture looking like this!

Teacher:
Then, you can do retakes with honest Abe. (points at Ray Ray)

Juniper:
Uh... the school bus is that way?

Ophelia clone:
Uh, haha, um. My mom is giving us a lift. (they turn to leave)

Juniper:
Oh wait, we have to wait for Ray Ray.

Jody clone:
Ray Ray?

Ophelia clone:
Which one's Ray Ray?

Roger clone:
Uhh; is that the dog? (June looks at them, surprised, then suspicious)

Jody clone:
Oh, forget this! (freezes June with a spell)

Roger clone:
Can you travel back in time?

Juniper:
(in a cage) Well, I can't do anything from in here. (the Roger clone lets her out) Thaaanks!

Jody clone:
Nice one, Roge.

Ophelia clone:
What just happened?

Monroe:
Lass! Fancy another magic lesson?

Evil Juniper:
Sorry, I'm evil. Ask Ray Ray.

Ophelia:
(looks at her clone as she walks by) Poser.

Monroe:
Don't worry, lass, other than being locked in a cage and suspended above a flaming pit of lava we're good!

Ray Ray:
June, you've got to get us out of here I have a conference call in 20 minutes and there's no cell phone reception here!

June:
No offense, Jody, but every time we come to one of your family things, your mom makes us work.

Jody:
That is so not true.

Ophelia:
Oh, yeah? Well, what about your bother's last birthday party?

(A flashback of Jody's brother's previous birthday party shows June, Ophelia and Roger dressed as the Three Bears to entertain kids)

June:
Somebody's been eating my porridge.

Ophelia:
Somebody's been eating my porridge.

Roger:
Somebody's been eating my porridge, and they ate it-- (An ice cream cone gets thrown at his face) All right, McIntyre, you wanna piece of this?! You want some?! AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! (Proceeds to beat him offscreen)

(The flashback ends)

Jody:
No, no, no. It's not gonna be like that. (June, Ophelia and Roger give her a look) Okay, it's gonna be exactly like that. Except this time, she wants The Wizard of Oz.

Roger:
No way! I am not playing Dorothy again!

Ophelia:
Come on, Roge, admit it. You love those red shoes.

Roger:
Did not! (Beat) Okay, maybe a little. Having a sense of fashion isn't a crime, you know.

June:
What is that?

Ophelia:
That is a Cowardly Lion made of chopped liver.

June:
Ew.

Ophelia:
Yeah, classy. It's like a royal wedding in here, isn't it?

Boomfist:
Remember kids, when there is trouble always, use your fist.

Ray Ray:
Always use your fist!

Juniper:
What? That's a horrible message for kids.

(Wrongness applying for a job at Java Hut)

Java Hut employee:
Do you have any personal references... You know, someone I can talk to?

Wrongness:
Uh... Yes! Uh, the Intergalactic Federation of Evil!... Ohh, no, I'm kind of on the outs with them. Oh, oh! There's Doctor, Termino, no-no wait. I tried to, destroy him... Uh... No. No references.

Java Hut employee:
(Sighs) Look, Carol.... you have no skills, you don't even have a home phone! Give me one reason to hire you.

Wrongness:
...I can shoot lasers out of my eyes.

(Cut to Wrongness heating up coffee as an employee)

Juniper:
So his message to kids is "always use your fists" and "milk is bad for you?"

Ray Ray:
Why do you think mom work let me watch his shows?

Boomfist:
Also, "don't go to school; hang out with your friends, or better yet, gangs" and "don't listen to your parents; they old and feeble."

(long pause)

Juniper:
You sure we got the good guy?

Wrongness:
Wrongness must use toilet.

Younger Ray Ray:
(to Ah-Mah) Can I have a cookie?

Ah-Mah:
Yeah, let's give you sugar, it'll be like throwing a bucket of gasoline on a grease fire.

Younger Ray Ray:
Mommy says: Mon-roe, come-on! You can not go poopy in the house! That's are the rules! No poopy in the pants, no poopy on the floor! No poopy in the flowerpot. (Leans closer to Monroe) Mommy gets way ticked about the flowerpot. (crosses arms) Trust me.

(Demons step into the foyer)

Younger Ray Ray:
GIANT MONKEYS!!!

Ah-Mah:
I don't think the questions is why Ray Ray doesn't have any other powers...(leans down to look at Ray Ray)... I think the question is why Ray Ray doesn't have any other powers... yet.

Monroe:
(after Ray Ray eats pieces of Sweetland's nature) Not everything is made of candy. You just ate a tree, leaves and dirt.

Juniper:
(yelling) IT'S NOT A DATE!!

Monroe:
(after William sent a message) What's it say?

Rabbit:
(reading) Well it says, oh my. It's a poem entitled, My name is Monroe, I'm a fat fatty, I can't see my feet. All I loves to do is eat, eat, eat. (to Monroe) and eat, eat, eat was underlined 3 times.

Monroe:
(grabs the letter and gets angry) Rabbits, prepare for WAR!!!

Juniper:
(pounding on the bathroom door) Dennis! C'mon! You said you'd be done in 5 minutes, it's been 15, I need to take a shower!

Dennis:
(heard inside the bathroom; groans) Get lost, dweeb! ...I'm shaving.

Juniper:
Ugh please, I have more mustache than you do. (Dennis opens the door and puts his head through, his chin and cheeks are covered in foam)

Dennis:
You said it, not me! (he wipes foam under June's nose and goes back in the bathroom, laughing, June wipes the foam off her lip)

Juniper:
Mom?...is that you...

Barbara:
Yes, honey?

Juniper:
I'm not feelin' very good...

Barbara:
Oh... not buying it. Get up!

Juniper:
Ugh. Was it that obvious?!

Barbara:
Oh, please, at least when your brother plays being sick, he fakes throwing up.

Ray Ray (June):
My name's June, and my brother Ray Ray's a rock-star!

Ray Ray (June):
Hey, tell me something and be honest. Does my hair look extra bouncy today? Cuz seriously, watch this! (bounces her hair)

Ophelia:
Okay, who are you and what did you do with Juniper?

Monroe (Ray Ray):
Oooh nothing. She's just real excited (clears up throat and does American accent) She's just real excited because she- used a new conditioner. What a dweeb, eh? (Ray Ray snorts and him and Monroe start to laugh)

Monroe (Ray Ray):
My name's Ray Ray Lee and I'm a complete idiot.

Monroe (Ray Ray):
Can you keep the big fella on the run for a wee bit without getting caught?

Ray Ray (June):
What? You kiddin'? With legs this long I can outrun a greyhound!

Monroe (Ray Ray):
Then off you go! Run like the wind!

(after the spell doesn't work right and June and Ray Ray are transformed into copies of Monroe and scream)

Monroe:
Look at ya! You're GORGEOUS! It's like Monroe.... in stereo!

Ray Ray:
Lemme see that stone! No way I'm staying like this for- hey, wait a minute.... I've got a tail!

Mylock the Destroyer:
Thank you. The situation...

Monster:
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! (Runs through the screen)

Mylok the Destroyer:
The situation is like that.

Juniper:
(Comparing notes on Bat Otters) Okay... They range in size from three inches to four thousand feet tall, they're hairy and bald, have either wings, horns, horned wings, or winged horns, but the one thing everyone could agree on is... nothing.

Ray Ray:
Are you saying the TV lies? Never!

Skeeter:
(Edited Ray Ray on TV) I'm Ray Ray Lee, and I love Bat Otters, they're cool!

Ray Ray:
Hey, I never said that... or did I?

Monroe:
And do you think you can to defeat them alone?

Ray Ray:
No, but I can hide under the bed like a girl.

Monroe:
What kind of moron will fear something they've never seen?

(Ray Ray runs inside the room)

Ray Ray:
Here come the Bat Otters!

Juniper:
We'll need a bigger cave.

Juniper:
What proof do you have that bat otters exist?

Skeeter:
What proof do you have they don't exist?

Monroe:
Oh, look, it's a cute little rabbit, why hello there you wee creature, did you went to look carrots?

Juniper:
Yes, cute (pause)...and also sporting an extra pair of legs.

(The rabbit see its own extra legs)

Bombat:
Oh man.

(The rabbit transforms into the bombat)

Bombat:
I'm out of practice.

(after seeing his competition of over-groomed, over-worked over-cute dogs)

Monroe:
Somebody just kill me.

Jasmine:
It is the way it has always been.

Juniper:
That’s impossible! (hits the barrier again, with full force)

Jasmine:
The Te Xuan Ze can never leave Orchid Bay. This is the way it has always been.

Juniper:
But... Ah-mah. I didn't choose to do this.

Jasmine:
None of us did.

(a huge sign announcing SCHOOL DANCE THIS FRIDAY NIGHT)

Ophelia:
(disgusted) Ugh, a school dance? Oh, the gym will be packed, the fashions will be vile and hello, the music will be nauseating.

Roger:
Yeah. (looks down hopefully) You wanna go with me?

Ophelia:
I'd sooner shave my head and eat a bucket of cockroaches.

Roger:
So is that a yes or a maybe?

Ophelia:
Idiot!

Roger:
(excited) Ooh yeah, that's a maybe!

Jody:
I've got some bad news for you!

Juniper:
Oh... ...what is it?

Jody:
Marcus isn't going to ask you to the dance.

Juniper:
Oh, oh man, are you sure?

Jody:
Yes. He asked somebody else.

Juniper:
Who?

Jody:
(thinking)... Me.

Juniper:
What?

Jody:
I know.

Juniper:
What?!?

Jody:
I know!

Juniper:
Huh, what do you mean he asked you? Why's he asking you? You said he was gonna ask me and now he's asking you? How did that happen? What did you say?

Jody:
Well, I pretty much just ran away, but I think I said yes 'cus he already left the message about what time we're gonna meet!

Juniper:
Oh, this can't be happening. Why didn't you just say no?

Jody:
I panicked! If I didn't say yes, he would have asked Melissa! She was circling us like a vulture the entire time! She was ready to pounce.

Ophelia:
The girl's like a starving dog at a raw meat buffet.

Juniper:
Augh... Great. My social life is officially dead.

Roger:
(smiling) 'Cept! ... Jody's got a plan.

Ophelia:
(Smiling and nudging at Jody) Tell her about the plan!

Jody:
Okay... Here's the deal. But once where there, I act really, really mean and dumb! And you step in, take my place and ta-daa! ... Everybody's happy.

Ophelia:
Good, huh? Veerry devious. I've never been so proud. (Beaming with pride)

Roger:
Yeah, Jody can be as mean as Ophelia.

Ophelia:
Hey! (smiling with pride)...Alright, who am I kidding, it's true.

Jody:
But, if Marcus can make it pass my breath, I'm gonna take this egg salad sandwich and start chompin' it down like a coyote.

Juniper:
That's kinda gross.

Jody:
I know! It's perfect!