The Loud House, Season 1

Lincoln:
The live season finale of the greatest show ever.

Lincoln:
Every Saturday night it's the same thing.

Lincoln:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Lincoln:
It's a ghost and it knows it's my name! (all scream)

Lori:
LINCOLN!!

(Lincoln gasps and screams)

Lori:
There's only one rule in this house. Stay out of my bedroom! If I catch you in here again, I will literally turn you into a human pretzel!

Lori:
[plucking her nose, while talking to Bobby] If you want our couple name to be Lobby, you're going to have to show a little-- [notices Lincoln's letter on the floor] What's this? [picks it up and reads it] "Why Lori is the worst sister ever?". [gasps and then becomes infuriated] Bobby, I gotta go. I'm about to turn Lincoln into a human pretzel! [Lincoln is scratching his head and jumps in shocked as Lori burst out of the bathroom with the letter on her hand showing the letter to him] LINCOLN! WHAT IS THIS?!!

Lincoln:
Well, it's time to do the official dance of the Loud House: the Running Man! [puts on his new googles and starts to dance away from Lori's wrath]

Lori:
When, I get my hands on you, I'm gonna-- [Luna emerges out of her room, censoring Lori's rant of rage]

Lincoln:
Hey, Luan.

Luan:
Hey, Lincoln. What do you think of this joke? "If I were you, I'd go for the baboon!"

Lincoln:
[Puzzled] I don't get it.

Luan:
Oh! Well, that was just a punchline. I still gotta think of the setup. [Walks away]

Rita:
[Offscreen] Lincoln, honey, I need you to take out the trash!

Lori:
When a girl picks on you, that only ever means one thing: she likes you!

Sisters:
AAAAAHHH!!!

Lincoln:
[Disbelieving] That's ridiculous! She shoved a sandwich down my pants! I was picking sesame seeds out of my butt for days!

Sisters:
[swoon over such a non flirty prank] Aww!!!

Leni:
So romantic...

Lori:
That's a classic.

Lincoln:
[Getting mad] You guys are nuts! She hates me! I'm gonna meet her today and give her a piece of my mind!

Lori:
You need to give her a piece of your heart instead.

Lincoln:
[Scared] What?!

Lynn:
Go get her, romeo.

Lori:
You so got this, little bro.

Lola:
Aww, our little Lincoln!

Lana:
All grown up.

Leni:
All the bridesmaids should wear these hats at Lincoln's wedding. These are all the rage right now.

Sisters:
[sweetly] Aww!!!

Lincoln:
Wait, wait, wait! Let me explain.

Lori:
[enraged] You've got exactly three seconds before we pulverize you!

[Lynn cracks her knuckles, preparing to pulverize Lincoln and Lisa starts her timer]

Lincoln:
There was this video contest at school, and I really wanted to win it.

Lola:
[incredibly outraged] You showed my sleep face for some stupid contest?!

Lincoln:
I just wanted a trophy to put in the case like you guys.

Luna:
[firmly] You think deserve a trophy for that, bro?

Lincoln:
No. I don't deserve it. Look, I'll delete the video.

Lucy:
Too late, Lincoln. The damage has already been done.

Lynn:
You made me look like a fool!

Lucy:
You made me look like a freak.

Lori:
You made me look I fart! And for the record, it was these shoes!

[Outside the Loud House, Lincoln comes back depressed]

Lincoln:
I sure hope that worked. [opens the door, only to find out that his sisters are still furious] It didn't work.

Lori:
[sternly] Lincoln...

Lincoln:
[apologetically] I know I embarrassed you and I can't undo it, and I'm sorry, but the least I could do was embarrass myself right along with you. That way we'd all be even.

Lynn:
Even? You think this makes us even?

Lincoln:
Well, I was trying to...

Lynn:
Yours was way worse!

Lori:
[cheerfully] Yeah, that video was hysterical!

[The girls surround Lincoln and ensure him that they forgive him]

Lincoln:
So, we're good?

Lucy:
We're good...brother.

Luan:
Sorry you didn't win the trophy.

Lori:
But we really appreciate what you did and thought you deserved something. [hands him a tiny trophy]

Lincoln:
Wow. Thanks, guys.

[Lola and Lynn hug him and Luna pats him on the head; he runs to the case and places the trophy in his spot]

Lincoln:
Most Improved Brother. [to the viewers] I did it. My sisters no longer despise me, Christina's switching classes, and I finally made the case.

[Another flatulent sound occurs and the other girls look at Lori suspiciously and in disbelief]

Lori:
It was my shoe.

Lori Loud:
Well if that's the best seat then i should get it! I'm the oldest!

Luna Loud:
You just barf all over it dude, I should have it!

Lola Loud:
Beauty before age!

Lana Loud:
Yeah, so i should get it!

Luna Loud:
That seat belongs to me!

Leni Loud:
NO! I WANT IT!

Lincoln Loud:
You can yell all you want, but I'm already in the seat. And possession is 9-10th of the law.

Lynn Loud:
You're gonna possess a bruise in a minute!

(All the Loud girls look at Lincoln angry)

Lana Loud:
GET HIM!

(Lincoln rolls up the window and locks the door, only for Luan to open another door, angry)

Lincoln Loud:
Dang it! I forgot about the broken lock.

Luan Loud:
(tackles Lincoln) Ha!

Lincoln Loud:
Let go of me!

(All of the Louds start fighting in Vanzilla that they wake up the whole neighborhood, including Rita)

Rita Loud:
THAT IS ENOUGH!

Rita Loud:
EVERYONE BACK TO THEIR ROOMS THIS MINUTE! I DON'T WANT TO SEE ANYONE IN THAT CAR UNTIL 7AM!

Lori Loud:
Good luck getting The Sweet Spot now!

Lincoln Loud:
GRRR! (punches Vanzilla) AAAA... (covers mouth)

Lincoln Loud:
This is bad! I can't lose that seat!

Lynn Loud:
Don't even think about it Lincoln! I'm watching you...

Leni Loud:
Well i'm watching you!

Lola Loud:
And i'm watching you!

Lana Loud:
And i'm watching you!

Lincoln Loud:
OK. Sleep until 7:00 AM.

Lynn Sr.:
[weeping] "That was my first car! And my dad's first car! And his dad's first car!" [continues to sob]

Rita:
[enraged] "ALRIGHT, EVERYONE, BACK INSIDE! THE ROAD TRIP IS OFF! YOU'RE GOING TO SPEND THIS WEEKEND SITTING TOGETHER IN THE LIVING ROOM UNTIL YOU LEARN TO GET ALONG!!!"

Kids:
"Awww!"

Lori:
Come on, guys. We'll just find another pool.

Lisa:
Actually, we've been suspended from every aquatic recreation within a 60- mile radius.

Lori:
Seriously? How are we gonna keep cool now?

Lincoln:
Now this is the pool I can really get into. [heads for the exit]

Leni:
Hey, Linc! Wanna chill with us?

Luan:
'CHILL'! Good one, Leni! [giggles]

Leni:
Good what?

Lincoln:
Thanks, but I don't mind the heat. But, uh, you guys keep cool in here. Definitely no reason to go outside. I wouldn't even bother looking out there. Am I talking to much? I feel like I'm talking to much. [leaves]

Lisa:
He's clearing suffering the first symptoms of heat stroke. Now pass the frozen succotash.

Lynn:
Scoot over. You're melting the broccoli.

Lola:
Well stop breathing on the frozen carrots!

Lisa:
Hmm... Unprecedented levels.

Luan:
Marco!

Leni:
Marco!

Luan:
No, Leni. I'm Marco. You're Polo.

Leni:
Then who's Leni?

Lincoln:
Oh no no no no no! [grabs her and puts her in a diaper.] No fecal incidents in my pool! I'm watching you, Lily. [Lincoln is about to get in the pool when he sees Lucy in it; screams] Lucy? I didn't know you like to swim.

Lucy:
I'm not swimming. I'm trying to see if I'm a witch. Am I floating?

Lincoln:
Yes.

Lucy:
Wicked.

Lincoln:
[chases Lily] Get back here!

Lynn:
You know what your soup needs? Noodles! [Bonks Lana with a pool noodle]

Lana:
[Grabs one] Bring it!

Lola:
STOP SPLASHING ME!!!

Lincoln:
Guys, no horseplay!

Lori:
Oh, that's fierce, babe.

Lynn:
[Strikes] En garde!

Lana:
[Counters and knocks Lynn in the water] Have at thee! Ha!

Lola:
Just because I'm fabulous doesn't mean I can't have fun. [Slides down the slide and swims] La-la-la, la-la-la.

Luan:
Okay this time, instead of Marco Polo, why don't we just use our real names?

Leni:
Okay! So I'm... [looks at her brother] Lincoln?

Luan:
Boy you really don't get this game at all, do ya? [She notices what Leni meant] Oh! Hey Linc!

Lincoln:
Hey, guys. What's all this?

Lori:
Well, little bro, since you had such a good idea in buying YOUR pool, we decided to-

Luan:
POOL our money to this one!!! [Giggles, her siblings groan and gets bonks by Lynn's pool noodle] That's using your noodle! [Giggles some more] Ow.

Lincoln:
Give her back, Lori!

Lori:
Why should you get her? I've literally been waiting 17 years for someone in this family who likes the things I like.

Leni:
(off-screen) HELP!

(Lincoln and Lori rush into Lily's bedroom where Leni is stuck in Lily's crib)

Leni:
(sighs) Oh, thank goodness. I got in here to show Lily my fashion magazine, but now I can't get out of this baby prison! (cries)

(Lori and Lincoln help Leni out of Lily's crib)

Lincoln:
Upsy-daisy.

Lori:
There you go, Leni.

Leni:
Agoo!

Lori:
Leni, why is this picture of Bobby on your side of the closet?

Leni:
Oh, there it is! That was a surprise present from Bobby for your 88th day-iversary. He asked me to hide it for him, but I forgot where I put it.

Lori:
That anniversary was eight days ago and Bobby gave me socks! I can't believe this! You're literally seeing Bobby behind my back! [angrily storms out of Lisa and Lily's room] You are no longer my sister!

Luna:
[in a British accent] ALL I WANTED WAS A BLEEDING PILLOW MINT!

Lincoln:
What can I do? In a family this big, our eco-footprint is a size 18 triple wide. We use a lot of electricity, fossil fuels, water, aerosols, non-biodegradables, and did I mention electricity? We gotta reduce our eco-footprint. Hopefully, I can get my sisters on board. [cut to the living room, the sisters are all complaining annoyingly] Or not. Time to pull out the big guns.

[The Loud sisters enter the basement, incredibly enraged, all wearing potato sacks over their bodies and bandages on their feet]

Lori:
[unplugging the gaming system] Game over, Lincoln!

Lincoln:
[panicking] It's not what it looks like! [notices he still has the game controller in his hand and hides it behind his back, smiling nervously]

Lori:
We're up there making all these sacrifices, and you're down here playing some stupid computer game?!

Lincoln:
Okay, so maybe it is what it looks like.

Lynn:
If you don't wanna give anything up, why should we?

Lincoln:
But… but… but… Polar bear? [holds up the poster]

[The sisters start to feel remorse again, but this time, they snap out of it]

Lola:
Aww… Wait a minute, you can't use that on us anymore!

Lori:
Come on, girls. Let's go get our stuff back.

Leni:
And a refill!

Lincoln:
Well, I saved the polar bear, and I'm not an outcast. Though, technically speaking, my social life is out the window.

[Royal Woods Elementary School; Around lunchtime, Lincoln digs around in his pants and pulls out a sloppy joe with a note]

Classmate #3:
[reading the note] "Happy Sloppy Joe Tuesday, Lame-o. Signed, Ronnie Anne."

Classmate #2:
And there's a heart!

Classmates:
[smugly] Ooh! Lincoln's got a girlfriend!

Lincoln:
What?! No, I don't!

Classmate #2:
When's the wedding day, Lincoln?

Lincoln:
[annoyed] Ha, ha. Very funny, guys.

Lincoln:
Guys, Ronnie Anne is not my girlfriend! She's rude and gross and totally annoying. I'd rather lick the bathroom floor than kiss that weirdo.

[As Lincoln returns home from school…]

Lori:
[lividly] You MONSTER! [throws a tissue box at him, hitting him in the head]

Lincoln:
Ow! What was that for?

Lori:
You made Ronnie Anne CRY!

Lincoln:
Cry? I didn't mean to. Wait, how do you know? [quickly dodges as Lori angrily throws a teddy bear]

Lori:
Bobby told me... [starts breaking down in tears] Right before he broke up with ME!!! [sobs]

Lincoln:
What? Why does Bobby care?

Lori:
[opens up a photo book of her, Bobby, and Ronnie Anne] Because Bobby is literally Ronnie Anne's brother! He said he could never date someone related to someone who hurts someone he's related to, or something like that!

Lincoln:
Ronnie Anne has a brother? I thought she was raised by trolls.

Lori:
[screams angrily; throwing CDs at him] THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT BOBBY WAS TALKING ABOUT! [chases after her brother and grabs him by the shirt collar; viciously] You have to make things right with Ronnie Anne!

Lincoln:
Okay, okay! I'll call her right now and apologize. [picks up the phone]

Lori:
[hangs up the phone] No! Uh-uh! Actions speak louder than words. Bobby has to see you being nice to her. That's the only way he'll get back together with me! Which is why, we're going on a double-date.

Lincoln:
What?!

Lori:
It's all been arranged. We have a reservation at Jean Juan's French Mex Buffet at 6:00. And you will make her feel like… THE MOST SPECIAL GIRL IN THE WORLD!

Lori:
[to Lincoln and Ronnie Anne with Bobby, wrapping their arms around each other] Guess who's back together!

Lincoln & Ronnie Anne:
[simultaneously] Babe and Bobby Boo-Boo Bear?

Lincoln:
Clyde, you gotta get me out of here!

Clyde:
What? Why?

[Lincoln points to his classmates who teased him earlier at the table]

Classmate #1:
Hey, guys, there's a band in the bathroom!

Lincoln:
I can't let those guys see me on a date with Ronnie Anne. I just convinced them she's not my girlfriend.

Classmate #3:
Hey, Lincoln. What you doing at Jean Juan's French Mex Buffet?

Lincoln:
I'm just here with family… friends… I mean, family friends.

Classmate #3:
Isn't that Ronnie Anne?

Lincoln:
No. Uh… I mean, maybe. I didn't know she was here.

Classmate #3:
[notices Lincoln's khaki pants] Hey, are those khakis? [gasps] You're wearing date pants!

Classmate #2:
I knew it! Ronnie Anne is your girlfriend!

Ronnie Anne:
[to Lincoln, after slapping him in the face; sharply] Lincoln Loud, how dare you kiss me at Jean Juan's French Mex Buffet! You are rude and gross and totally annoying! I'd rather lick the bathroom floor than kiss you. [storms away]

Classmate #1:
Sorry, dude.

Trent:
That was harsh.

Classmate #2:
Girls are intense, man.

Classmate #3:
It's okay to be single.

Classmate #4:
Your bros are here for you, bro.

[Lincoln returns home and finds his sisters all glaring furiously at him]

Lincoln:
Wrong house! [closes the front door but they somehow appeared before him]

Lynn:
Where have you been?!

Lisa:
We were standing on the curb for over three hours!

Lori:
[as Lincoln opens the front door and enters the house as she and the other sisters follow] The garbage guys literally tried to take Lana to the dump!

Lincoln:
I'm really sorry. I had a busy day with the very wealthy Lord Tetherby and I just couldn't get away.

Lola:
I cannot believe you have been hanging out with some random rich guy all day instead of taking your own sisters to the Burpin' Burger!

Lincoln:
[repeating Tetherby's words] A man in a limo can't be seen in some rat hole named after a bodily function. It's just not done.

Lori:
You're not a man in a limo. You're a kid who ate a bunch of mustard! As soon as your limo's gone, this little fantasy of yours is going to be over!

Lincoln:
[smugly] Oh, really? Is that why they're making me a member of their club tonight, hm? Now if you'll excuse me, I need to put on my formal wear.

Lincoln:
And the doorknob situation.

Lisa:
(doorknob) Dang it.

Leni:
(fridge handle) Dang it.

Lynn:
(doorknob) Dang it.

Lucy:
(attic cord) Dang it.

Lori:
(doorknob) Dang it.

Luna:
(flusher handle) Dang it.

Lincoln:
(doorknob) Dang it.