The Muppet Show, Season 1 (1976-1977)

Kermit:
[after Juliet called him "the Robert Redford of frogs"] You're gonna be coming back on this show a LOT! I mean it.

Waldorf:
That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets are weird.

Statler:
Why is that?

Waldorf:
They think explosions are funny. Explosions aren't funny. [Statler's cigar explodes] ...Although, some of them are really quite droll.

Waldorf:
Yeah, whadya think?

Statler:
Beats sitting home watching television.

Mahna Mahna:
Mahna Mahna!

Bert:
[after singing "Some Enchanted Evening" while dancing with Connie Stevens] Ernie...did I make a complete fool of myself?

Ernie:
[patting Bert's shoulder] Absolutely, Bert.

Statler:
Hm. Do you think this show is educational?

Waldorf:
Yes. It'll drive people to read books.

Fozzie:
Bug off? What kind of joke was that?

Kermit:
That was no joke, Fozzie.

Fozzie:
That was my wife!

Waldorf:
More! More!

Statler:
No, not so loud: they may hear you!

Robot Kermit:
Hey, listen, how about you, and me getting together, and making some steam heat. Huh, snuggle bunny?

Miss Piggy:
Snuggle bunny? Why, uh...

Robot Kermit:
Yeah. Look, let me take you away from all this. Ah, a marriage made in heaven! A frog and a pig. And we can have bouncing baby figs!

Statler:
Well, did you like the show?

Waldorf:
No I didn't. No I didn't. No I didn't.

Dancer:
I hear you come from a broken home.

Animal:
Yeah, I broke it myself!

Waldorf:
Yes, uh, well, uhn-huh. I still couldn't find the chewing gum.

Kermit:
Your salary is 20 a week.

Scooter:
Could you make it 25?

Kermit:
Are you kidding? I can't afford it!

Scooter:
Gee, my uncle will be really disappointed.

Kermit:
How about 30?

Waldorf:
Pay up, they made it through another one.

Statler:
Double or nothing on next week's show?

Waldorf:
You're on.

Kermit:
Can we get back to the subject at hand...Florence?

Florence:
Well, there's no question in my mind!

Kermit:
[after a pause] As to what?

Florence:
Nothing! There's no question in my mind! Ha ha! No answers either.

Janice:
That man is annoying me.

Zoot:
He isn't even looking at you.

Janice:
That's what's annoying me.

Gonzo:
Hey, Kermit, are you busy?

Kermit:
Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a minute.

Gonzo:
What would I do with your ear?

Kermit:
[exasperated] Van Gogh impressions.

Gonzo:
You'll all see because there's only one Great Gonzo, only one!

Kermit:
Thank goodness for that.

Dr. Bob:
This is D for Doc B for Bob saying turn off the Joy Juice [laughs then puts gas mask to his left ear] Hmm? [speaks into it] Ten-Roger, okay where were we? Pulse?

Nurse Piggy:
[checks pulse and gasps] No pulse, Dr. Bob.

Dr. Bob:
Hmmm, Heartbeat?

Nurse Janice:
[checks heartbeat] No heartbeat, Dr. Bob.

Dr. Bob:
No pulse, no heartbeat, no use. He's gone!

Nurse Janice:
And Dr. Bob your record was so good, you saved nine out of ten.

Dr. Bob:
My record is still good, this week he was ten.

Announcer:
And so Dr. Bob's record is still good, it is top on the medical fame, with a bullet, tune in next when we will hear nurse Piggy say...

Nurse Piggy:
I hope nobody hears about this Dr. Bob.

Dr. Bob:
At least he won't say anything, hahaha!

Nurse Piggy:
I get it! haha! I get it! [laughs with him]

Harvey Korman:
[as Maurice the Magnificent] Speak. Speak you demon, SPEAK!

Thog:
[gulps] I hardly know where to begin.

Kermit:
Well, Piggy, sometimes, the truth hurts.

Miss Piggy:
Hurt? I'll show you hurt! HAI-YA! [karate-chops Kermit]

Kermit:
Okay, okay, good bit, good bit, good ending, and sorry about the head.

Fozzie:
My cousin is so dumb, he thinks eggs Benedict is a Mafia gangster!

Kermit:
I've seen cheeseburgers funnier than that!

Fozzie:
[clobbers him with a rubber chicken] What do you think, eh? Too subtle?

Kermit:
...and so, that means our show tonight will be a real bang up affar-

Crazy Harry:
Did somebody say bang?

Kermit:
Uh, no. [gets blown into Statler and Waldorf's box]

Fozzie:
Would you lend me a fiver till pay day? I gotta pay my writer, the legendary 'Gags' Beasley.

Kermit:
The legendary 'Gags' comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?

Fozzie:
Well, we worked out a great deal.

Kermit:
You pay him by the line?

Fozzie:
No, I pay him by the laugh.

Kermit:
Oh, then he owes you money.

Miss Piggy:
Kermit, dear, did you know that every time we have a beautiful girl on this show, you forget about me?

Kermit:
Yeah, well, we could have a seal act on this show, Piggy, and I might forget about you.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew:
Think of the safety. Think of the sense of well-being. And, at last, your family can be protected from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion.

Nurse Piggy:
It's too late, Dr. Bob. We've lost him.

Doctor Bob:
Well, he couldn't have gone so far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.

Rowlf the Dog:
You think that's bad? For the first three months of my life there was a newspaper strike!

Sam the Eagle:
If you are like me, and you certainly must be, you are appalled and shocked at the weird, unnatural things going on tonight.

Kermit the Frog:
This go-fer's about to become a gone-fer.

Kermit:
That was great! And, you are just wonderful, Valerie! I tell you, you are going out on that stage a star, but you are gonna be coming back a chorus girl, right?

Scooter:
I-I was just in my star's dressing room, and I saw the most ghoulish, fiendish-looking face in the closet!

Hilda:
That was me, clown! And I was hanging up the wardrobe.

Uncle Deadly:
I swore I would never perform here again, nor would anyone else. I will drive you all from this theatre. LEAVE OR BE DOOOOOOOOOMED! [switches to a normal voice] Which way do I exit?

Miss Piggy:
[giving Ethel roses] Miss Merman, from all of us, to you.

Ethel:
Oh, how kind of you, Miss Piggy...they won't explode, will they?

Floyd Pepper:
Me and the gang have decided not to end our gig here.

Kermit:
Oh, good!

Floyd Pepper:
If...

Kermit:
Uh-huh? If what?

Floyd Pepper:
If I can write the new theme song.

Kermit:
Oh! Oh, that'll be fine with me.

Floyd Pepper:
No, it won't, man.

Kermit:
Uh, why not?

Floyd Pepper:
You'll hate my music! You won't understand it!

Kermit:
Well, now listen here. I-I'm pretty hip too, you know.

Floyd Pepper:
Not hip enough. Nobody understands my music. I mean, I don't even understand it.

Kermit:
You don't?

Floyd Pepper:
If I didn't know I was a genius, I wouldn't listen to the trash I write.

Gonzo:
[singing while following Miss Piggy] She kissed me! She put her arms around me and she kissed me!

Miss Piggy:
[humiliated] It was that case of the mistaken identity!

Gonzo:
Hug me, Miss Piggy! Hold me!

Miss Piggy:
I will not hug you, you...twit turkey!

Gonzo:
Oh, hold my hand, pig-of-my-dreams!

Miss Piggy:
Will you beat it, twerp?!

Gonzo:
Just touch me, oh, hog-of-my-heart!

Miss Piggy:
Here's a touch for you, wimp-buzzard!

Gonzo:
I'm ready!

Miss Piggy:
HAI-YA! [karate-chops Gonzo, and leaves]

Gonzo:
[singing dazed] She touched me...She swung her porky pinkies and she touched me! [faints]

Kermit:
Piggy, while I appreciate this offer of affection, I hope you will understand when I tell you, as usual, that I do not want you.

Gonzo:
Oh, then can I have her?

Miss Piggy:
HAI-YA! [standing between Kermit and Gonzo, she karate-chops both of them, one with each hand] That is known as getting two turkeys with one chop.