The Muppet Show, Season 3 (1978-1979)

Gonzo:
Gladys, what's the soup du jour?

Gladys:
Same as yesterday.

Gonzo:
Good, I'll have that and a chicken.

Gladys:
How do you want your chicken? Baked, broiled, or barbecued?

Gonzo:
I want the chicken for company! I hate dining alone.

Annie Sue:
[to Miss Piggy] I never thought it could happen. I've been an admirer of yours ever since I was a little baby, you know?

Kermit:
What's all this smoke?

Fozzie:
Uh...that is not smoke.

Kermit:
It is not smoke? Then what is it?

Fozzie:
It's jet exhaust.

Kermit:
Jet exhaust?

Fozzie:
Oh, look out! Here comes another one!

Scooter:
[to the stage hands in the rafters] Hey, somebody kill that light!

[Machine gun fire is heard as he turns his back. At the same time that a spotlight drops down, Scooter turns behind him in surprise]

Wayne:
Sorry I was late. I had to change the bus across town, and the traffic was terrible.

Miss Piggy:
Never mind. Just get me out of here.

Wayne:
[noticing Uncle Deadly's boots] Say, I know those boots. Weren't you a flamenco dancer in Kansas City?

Uncle Deadly:
Why yes, I was.

Wayne:
Harry's Boom Boom Room?

Uncle Deadly:
You caught my act?

Wayne:
I could never figure out how you did that passé double thing, though.

Miss Piggy:
Paso doble.

Uncle Deadly:
Oh, quite simple, my boy. Quite simple. Music, maestro, please.

Miss Piggy:
Music?! [Uncle Deadly starts to dance. She turns to the camera in disbelief. Uncle Deadly's feet come dangerously close to her hands] What?! Hey, hey! Cool it up there!

Uncle Deadly:
Now to the Passionato del Thunderdoor, you give it an extra little flourish.

Miss Piggy:
Watch it!

Wayne:
[to Uncle Deadly] Aha! You mean like this? [starts dancing as well]

Miss Piggy:
Whoo-hoo, hee-ha, hold it! Easy! Down, boy! Hold it! Hoo, hey! Cool it!

Uncle Deadly:
Almost, almost. No, more like... [shows Wayne the dance again. Wayne joins in]

Miss Piggy:
Hey! Hey! Hey, Deadly...Hey, wait, hey! [Wayne steps on her hands, causing her to lose her grip and fall off the cliff screaming. Uncle Deadly and Wayne congratulate each other on their dancing] I suppose you think that's funny!

Gilda:
[to Bunsen] Well, do you see. I don't mind assisting, but I'm not crazy about the idea of guinea-pigging.

Kermit:
Now I'm stuck on you!

Miss Piggy:
Oh, at last, my frog wants me! Oh, thank you! [notices he's literally stuck on her] Oh...Oh...Will you let...Will you - Get away from me! What is this?

Statler:
: Good night!

Waldorf:
So long!

[Their hands are stuck in the handrail]

Statler and Waldorf:
[in unison] OH NO!

Janice:
I mean, you know, Kermit, sometimes I don't know what space you are coming from.

Kermit:
Well, it's just a regular backstage space.

Jean Stapleton:
It's about this next number - I would really rather not do it.

Kermit:
What, you mean the number with the pigs dressed as pirates, and the chickens playing some bagpipes, and you dancing with a 7-foot door knob?

Jean Stapleton:
Hmm. It's just one cliche after another.

Statler:
I liked that last number.

Waldorf:
What did you like about it?

Statler:
It was the LAST number!

[They both laugh]

Kermit:
Boy, it wasn't spooky like this when Julie Andrews did the show!

Sam the Eagle:
[enters Alice's dressing room] Mr. Cooper.

Alice Cooper:
[turns to face Sam with his heavy metal makeup on his face] Yes?

Sam the Eagle:
[horrified] Oh, good grief! Let me come right to the point. You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric, naughty...freako!

Alice Cooper:
[flattered] Why, thank you!

Sam the Eagle:
[ashamed of this reaction] Freakos: one, civilization: zero. [leaves Alice Cooper behind]

Kermit:
Gonzo, I should never have let you talk me into doing the show from a railroad depot.

Gonzo:
But it was the only place available! They were having a tournament at the bowling alley.

Door Guard:
Liberace uses no chickens in his concert.

Gonzo:
Oh, then maybe he'll see me.

Guard:
He's only seeing birds.

Gonzo:
I'm a bird. Yeah, I am a, I am a turkey.

Guard:
You are not a real turkey.

Gonzo:
Are you kidding? Have you seen my act?

Kermit:
I just want to know more about this wedding sketch, I mean. I've got to learn my lines, Piggy.

Miss Piggy:
Well.. you only have one line.

Kermit:
I do?

Miss Piggy:
Exactly.

Miss Piggy:
[whispers to the pig minister] Do it!

Fozzie:
You see, my problem was my need to tell jokes.

Floyd Pepper:
Yeah! And that was our problem, too! [laughs]

Miss Piggy:
You know, I really like the water.

Kermit:
Oh, I am glad.

Miss Piggy:
Which means, after we're married, we can live at your place.

Kermit:
Hey Beau, I've got a job for you!

Beauregard:
Oh, good.

Kermit:
Yeah. Just look at this mess.

Beauregard:
Okay, that sounds easy enough.

Fozzie:
[handing Rowlf a script] Hey, guys, guys – here is the musical moment for this week.

Rowlf the Dog:
Uh... [reading] Curtains open. Lew Zealand and Rowlf do something funny. Curtains close.

Fozzie:
Go get them!

Kermit:
And we leave nothing to chance, huh?

Fozzie:
Trust me.

Lesley:
You know, Kermit, I thought you were the only person on this show who wasn't crazy.

Kermit:
Me, not crazy? I hired the others.

Miss Piggy:
Holy maracas!

Big Bird:
Oh, hi. I'm Big Bird.

Miss Piggy:
Huh. No kidding.

Big Bird:
I'm a friend of Kermit's.

Miss Piggy:
Oh.

Big Bird:
Yeah, we both come from the same neighborhood. Sesame Street.

Miss Piggy:
: Oh. Isn't that that cute little children's show with puppets?

Big Bird:
Uh-huh. And who are you?

Miss Piggy:
Who am I? I am Miss Piggy.

Big Bird:
Oh. Well, do you work around here?

Miss Piggy:
Uh, listen, yellow thing. Do you see that star here?

Big Bird:
Oh, yes. It's very pretty.

Miss Piggy:
And, uh, do you know why it is there?

Big Bird:
Well, uh... Perfect attendance?

Miss Piggy:
I am the singing star of this show.

Big Bird:
A singing pig? That's very funny! [laughs]

Miss Piggy:
Kiss your feathers goodbye, bird! Hai-ya! [swings at Big Bird, but he doubles over and she misses and falls]

Big Bird:
Oh, you do acrobatics, too. [To the audience] She's very versatile.

Waldorf:
Have we ever said that this show is for the birds?

Statler:
Yes, and we'll keep saying it until it gets a laugh.

Kermit the Frog:
Thank you, Thank you, And welcome again to The Muppet Show. And we have great show because our guest star is on our favorite German actress, Mrs. Elke Sommer. But before we get to her, Ladies and Gentlemen: Bobby Benson's Baby Band!

Martha:
George, wake up! I think I hear prowlers.

George:
Oh Martha, go back to sleep.

Kermit the Frog:
Welcome to The Muppet Show. We have great show tonight, Because our special guest star a famous director, screen writer, and the star of the popular movie called Rocky, Sylvester Stallone. [a group teenage girls jumps to the stage] GET OUT OF THERE! [to the audience] Sorry about that, folks. Now anyways, We will like to start with a little Hawaiian number.

One of the teenaged girl:
Is Sylvester going to wear a Hawaiian skirt?

Kermit the Frog:
[to the girl] NO! HE IS NOT IN THE OPENING NUMBER! Please get back to seat! Uh, Curtains!

Sylvester Stallone:
[gasps] Birdie? Is that you? It is you. Oh. You came back to me. Hey, everybody. Let's change that tone.

[All cheering]

Sylvester Stallone:
Wow. I have a bird. Everyone, this is Birdie. Birdie, this is everyone. Isn't she cute? Look at the feathers she has. Isn't she the cutest bird on stage [they touched their noses and smile together]

Statler and Waldorf:
[laughing hysterically] You're my best friend!

Gonzo:
Animal reunion.

Sylvester Stallone:
Gonzo, this is Birdie.

Gonzo:
Wow, a real bird. So nice to have you here.

Sylvester Stallone:
Thank you so much, Gonzo. You are a great friend of mine.

Gonzo:
Right back at ya, Sylvester.

Gonzo:
Well, that was really joyful.

Kermit the Frog:
Okay, Well, The time has come to say goodbye. Because we don't have much else to say.

Gonzo:
And if you're worried about Fozzie. Rest assure, he is scared.

Kermit the Frog:
But before we go, let's have one last round of applause for the one and only, Sylvester Stallone!

Gonzo:
And his pet Birdie!

Kermit the Frog:
YAYYYYYYYYYY!

Gonzo:
Yippee!

Sylvester Stallone:
Oh, thank you, Gonzo. Birdie thanks you too. Well, thank you, Kermit. Bless you at all, I had a wonderful time. And Birdie came back. I only hope I didn't hurt the talking punching bag.

The Punching Bag:
Hey, what hurt? Come on, Stallone, give us one last punch for old time's sake.

Sylvester Stallone:
Okay. [punches the punching bag]

The Punching Bag:
[chuckles] Hey, Stallone, that's my kind of guy.

Kermit the Frog:
Okay. That's it for now. Hey, listen, be with us next time when our guest will be one of the world's greatest tuned slam players.

Gonzo:
Thank you again for telling me.

Sylvester Stallone:
Thanks for seeing Birdie. You made me the happiest star of all.

Double Bass Player:
We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

Kermit the Frog:
You all have been a wonderful laugh track.

Waldorf:
Well, they say all good things come to an end.

Statler:
What's that got to do with this show?

[They chuckle]

[Statler & Waldorf chuckling]

Waldorf:
I bet you were expecting chickens.

Statler:
Woof Woof Woof!

[Statler & Waldorf laugh]

Waldorf:
Woof Woof!

Statler:
Woof Woof!

Kermit the Frog:
Usually at this time, I would have said good night to the audience, But do you mind if you can say it, Your way?

Roy Rogers:
Oh I'll be glad too. [To the audience] Until we meet again, on screen, or in person, Good night and good luck, and make good lord liking you.

Kermit the Frog:
We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

Kermit:
Uh, Gonzo, that is terrible! I'm not going to introduce you for a crummy act like that!

Gonzo:
Sic 'em!

[A group of hypnotized chickens push Kermit onstage]

Kermit:
Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay! I'll introduce him!

Chicken:
Meow.

Kermit:
Ungh! And now, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, uh, your one and you're welcome to him, Gonzo the Great! Off, off, off, off, off!!

[The fanfare plays as the curtains go up]

Gonzo:
Thank you! Thank you! And now, students of the occult, I shall demonstrate my amazing, powers of hypnosis. I shall place a member of the audience in a chance, aided only by the mysterious strength of hypnotic suggestion. My subject would support with only one hand, this 5000 pound weight. Who will the 1st, lucky volunteer? [no one answers] It's just a question of mind over matter.

Waldorf:
That's right! You don't mind and we don't matter!

Gonzo:
You'll live to regret this!

Statler:
We intend to.

Gonzo:
But I just do not understand, you people! Immortality is out for grahams! But you don't deserve it!

Waldorf:
No, but you do!

Gonzo:
What a terrific idea! I'll hypnotize myself. I'll go down in history! Ahem. [looks at himself in the mirror he's holding] Look deep into my eyes! Make my mind a complete blank. My eyelids are getting heavy. I am falling into my power. When I count 3, I will have the strength of an army! 1, 2, 3! [hypnotizes himself, walks over to the 5000 pound weight, and holds it up with his right hand] Release the ropes! [the ropes is released, and he miraculously holds the 5000 pound weight with great strength]

Statler:
That's very impressive! But how do you get out of it?

Gonzo:
It's simple! I just snap my fingers! [snaps his fingers, causing the weight to fall on and squash him flat, lifts up the weight] Ungh! Hey, Kermit, it went terrific!