The Nanny, Season 4

C. C.:
Nanny Fine, don't be hurt just because I'm closer to little Gretel than you are.

Fran:
Gretel never said that!

C.C.:
Aren't we defensive? There's nothing wrong with being just a pretty face. In fact, it's a plus if you have no skills.

Fran:
I've got skills!

C.C.:
Nanny Fine, identifying what's in the Godivas without a guide is not a skill. C'mon! You must know the only reason you got this job is because of your looks.

Fran:
Hey! Hey! That is not true! I got this job because I lied on my resume.

Fran:
What is it with guys? Why do they always think just because you're at a singles bar with a cute top, a tight skirt and stiletto heels, you're looking for action?

Jack:
Why do women think that guys expect them to jump into bed every time they try to buy them a drink? Now, potato skins, I get you both.

Fran:
I don't think so.

Val:
Speak for yourself. I haven't had a potato skin in three years.

Fran:
I was 17 once too. I snuck out all the time. Of course, I didn't have a boyfriend. I just wanted to eat bacon.

Mr. Sheffield:
Who told you to call the doctor?

Niles:
Ms. Fine.

Mr. Sheffield:
Well, excuse me but when did she become master of the house?

Niles:
Three years ago September.

[At Loehmann's sale]

Shopper:
Excuse me please. I had this sweater first.

Fran:
I believe you're mistaken.

Shopper:
I've got the cuff.

Fran:
I've got the armpit.

Shopper:
[Grabs Grace] I've got your kid.

Fran:
Hah! She's not mine.

Shopper:
Listen, I'm warning you. My nicotine patch fell off, my mother's in town and my boyfriend just left me for my brother.

Fran:
[Points to Grace] I'm over 30, single, and I work for her!

Fran:
Niles, I was thinking Mr. Sheffield was right. If I help Brighton with his project, it's only going to hurt him.

Niles:
You've already gotten involved and screwed up?

Fran:
Yeah.

Niles:
Ms. Fine and Ms. Babcock walking arm-in arm. Isn't that one of the Biblical signs of the Apocalypse?

Mr. Sheffield:
Ms. Fine, what are you doing here?

Fran:
I heard moaning and screaming coming from your room and I figured I should be a part of it.

Fran:
[insinuating herself under the guise of talking about Frieda] I hope he knows he doesn't have forever because she's not gonna wait around like some schlub since she can't even spit in this town without hitting some eligible classy guy.

Mr. Sheffield:
Good bloody luck to her catching one because men seldom date women who say the word "schlub" and rarely marry those who spit!

Frieda:
I'm gonna go upstairs and try on my old wedding gown. C'mon, kids, come help zip me up.

Brighton:
I'll get the pliers.

Fran:
Why don't you give your father a chance to make up for last time? I'm sure you'll find you've got a lot in common.

Mr. Sheffield:
No. Unlike my father, I'm not about to abandon my responsibilities for sexual gratification with some cheap floozy who works for me.

Fran:
WHY?!!

Joan:
Isn't this delightful? Where did you get the exquisite shrimp?

Yetta:
I came with her.

Joan:
No, dear. I meant the crustacean.

Yetta:
Oh... She's my daughter.

C. C.:
Chester loves the kennel. When I come to take him home, he just hangs on to the little bars for dear life.

Mr. Sheffield:
It's bad enough having your dog here. [Fran enters] Always begging to go out, jumping into my lap, rubbing up against me all the time...

Fran:
SHHHHH! Does everybody need to know our business?

Mr. Sheffield:
[Condescendingly to a depressed Niles] Oh dear, Niles, what is it this time? Your job? Your weight? No future?

Niles:
Actually, I was just wondering why I don't have a social life but you cleared that right up for me. Thank you, sir.

Niles:
Good things come to those who wait, sir. Unless they wait too long and then they slip through their namby-pamby fingers.

Niles:
Would you like some more, Sylvia?

Sylvia:
What, did we just meet?

Fran:
[Holds up a skimpy bikini] Oh, Val, I just love this new bathing suit I got. Do you think Mr. Sheffield will be able to see my tattoo in this?

Val:
Fran, he'll be able to see your liver in that.

Fran:
[Greeting Ms. America] Tara, hi! Fran Fine, Miss Subways, 198-er... 90.

Tara:
It's always nice to meet another pageant winner. What was your platform?

Fran:
59th and Lex. You know, we two have so much in common. We're both title holders and you can't married for the duration of your reign and I can't get married for the love of God.

Fran:
It is just so adorable how you can't really express the way you feel. Like all the times you yell and scream at me when in reality, you want to hug me.

Mr. Sheffield:
Well...

Fran:
And all those times when you fired me when in reality, you want to kiss me.

Mr. Sheffield:
[Shyly] All right.

Fran:
When you told me you love me and you took it back when in reality...

Mr. Sheffield:
No, actually, that I meant.

Fran:
I hate you.

Mr. Sheffield:
No, you don't. You really want to hug me.

Maggie:
Guys come up with the lamest excuses.

Fran:
[Sarcastically] Oh, yeah. Like when you told me you had that whisker burn all over your face from kissing my mother? Hello?!!

Maggie:
Fran, that really happened.

Sylvia:
[In tears] It's times like this you look up to God and ask: "Why? Why?!"

Mr. Sheffield:
We can't ask why, Sylvia. It's nature. It's random. It's...

Sylvia:
No! Why don't you marry my daughter?

Fran:
Ma, I met this man at Danny's funeral.

Sylvia:
Fabulous! He's Jewish?

Fran:
Yeah, and a doctor.

Sylvia:
Oh!

Fran:
And he's gay.

Sylvia:
So you seeing him again?

Fran:
Don't you know that if you were, God forbid, in a coma, technically, I'm not considered family? I wouldn't be allowed to pull the plug. I should have at least have THAT much satisfaction.

Fran:
So do you want children someday?

Bobby:
Yes.

Fran:
Is your mother alive?

Bobby:
No.

Fran:
Take me.

Mr. Sheffield:
So who is this Bob fellow anyway?

Fran:
Oh, you're going to love him!

Mr. Sheffield:
Well, the important thing is that you love him, Miss Fine. [nervously] Do you love him, Miss Fine?

Fran:
Don't be silly, it took me three years to fall in love with you- [catches herself] ...Hoo's chocolate drink, moving on.

Fran:
Dr. Miller says I should go out of the house without makeup on. That I should even tell people my real age.

Sylvia:
What else does this "genius" have to say?

Fran:
I don't know. I blacked out after that.

Niles:
I can't believe you told your mother you were giving up on men. What did she do?

Fran:
She tried to swallow a whole rotisserie chicken in her mouth like a python.

Niles:
Maybe you should have told her when she wasn't eating.

Fran:
Oy, you try catching lightning in a bottle.

Dr. Miller:
Now, listen to me carefully. He's your boss. You are the nanny.

Fran:
Wow...

Dr. Miller:
You mean no one's ever pointed it out to you before?

Fran:
Oh, constantly. But when you're paying $140 an hour, it's got so much more resonance.

[Not knowing she's talking about Dr. Miller picking his nose]

Mr. Sheffield:
What did he do?

Sylvia:
Let's just say he put his hand some place he shouldn't have.

Mr. Sheffield:
Oh my God! And nobody's going to do anything about it?!

Sylvia:
What are you gonna do, call the police? They'd have to arrest every man on the subway.

Mr. Sheffield:
How are Ms. Fine and her mother?

Val:
Well, so far it's quiet.

Mr. Sheffield:
Oh my God! He's killed her!

Val:
The bank robber took your mother!

Fran:
Oh, no! That poor man!

Attorney:
(walking over to Fran, reading the piece of paper on his clipboard) Juror number two. Sorry, but under marital status, does this say Divorced?

Fran:
(looking at what she wrote) No. Disgusted.

Juror [to CC]:
You like a sensitive guy?

C. C.:
Yes. I used to be one.

Fran:
[Counselling Niles] All this anger and bitterness is just a mask for low self-esteem. Where does all this come from?

Brighton:
Hey, Niles, could you wash my underwear?

Mr. Sheffield:
Darling, I've known the butler 30 years. We've had many gay times together, shared a fag or two between us and I can tell you, if there was anything queer about him, I'd know it.

Fran:
So in other words, you had some fun, you smoked a few cigarettes and there's nothing strange about him.

Mr. Sheffield:
Of course.

Fran:
Just making sure.

Fran:
A woman just called and told me that Ma may not be my real mother.

Mr. Sheffield:
So are we happy or sad?

Fran:
We're thinking.

C. C.:
[to Maxwell] I have a friend at CBS who wants to buy our show and turn it into a TV series.

Niles:
Whoa, back up. You have a friend?

Mr. Sheffield:
Ladies, tell me: What could be better than my new play being nominated for a Tony Award?

Sylvia:
Your face on my grandchild.

Dr. Miller:
It's really a typical adolescent reaction. Someone else is in the limelight and they lash out to get attention.

Mr. Sheffield:
So what would you suggest?

Dr. Miller:
Have you tried one of those trophies that says: "Butler Of The Year"?

Mr. Sheffield:
If Barbra Streisand and your mother were both drowning, who would you save?

Fran:
I'd save my mother. Barbra can walk on water.

Mr. Sheffield:
Does everyone eat like this on the Jewish holidays, Ms. Fine?

Fran:
Why do you think we wandered the desert for 40 years? We were walking off the meal.

Tasha:
You are exactly what I've been looking for. You are the voice of the people.

Fran:
And not just the people. Dogs hear me too.

Niles:
[To C.C.] Look at your shiny new coat. Have you been adding cod liver oil to your diet?

Mr. Sheffield:
Ms. Fine, before Tom and his son get here, we have a little saying in the theatre: "Mess with the investor, move back in with your mother."

Fran:
I have a saying: "Mess with the nanny... please."

Niles:
I just spent four hours putting together a gazebo for Ms. Babcock's terrace.

Maggie:
Ms. Babcock doesn't have a terrace.

Niles:
Now we both know.

Niles:
I think Mr. Sheffield would really like you to come with him when he takes the children to Hawaii.

Fran:
It's always the same thing: Dancing in the moonlight, walking on the beaches then falling into bed wrapped in each other's arms.

Niles:
Since when?

Fran:
Since Gracie doesn't like to sleep alone.

Niles:
Ms. Fine, you're telling me that you've taken a job on a soap and you're not coming home?... Well, of course, I'm shocked! They gave you a speaking part?!

Niles:
You don't know what it is to be the only one of your friends who's not married.

Fran:
Hello?!

Niles:
And over 40.

Fran:
Not a clue.

Mr. Sheffield:
Ms. Fine, I'm not sure how much longer I can control my feelings for you.

Fran:
Er... Wait three to four seconds and let 'er rip.

Niles:
I've been killing myself all week trying to drop a pound. How does Mr. Sheffield keep in shape?

Fran:
Running from commitment.

C. C.:
What's [Mr. Sheffield] doing in London?

Niles:
One would hope Ms. Fine.

Niles:
When you sent Miss Fine to therapy, you never thought about how this would affect me. Miss Babcock should be here, she's my home entertainment center

Gracie:
Niles, could you bring me a drink?

Niles:
Happy hour doesn't start till you go home, see it just doesn't work with her

Mr. Sheffield:
(to Niles) would you stop complaining, Miss. Fine giving up men is a god send

Niles:
But sir your a man despite the way you trible a ball in those bath beads you like so much

Mr. Sheffield:
This is not about me, Miss. Fine giving up her urge to be in a relationship is the best thing for her, no more rushing into romances no more getting her poor heartbroken

Niles:
No more nudging you to make a commitment

Mr. Sheffield:
Yea i know isn't it wonderful (He laughs) and the best part of it is it's all the doctor's idea there's no way i can be blamed for this

Sylvia:
(she enters the room) I BLAME YOU FOR THIS (Maxwell runs and hides behind Niles) I don't know who the bigger nut is, that shrink for telling her she does not need to get married or (She points at Mr. Sheffield) you for paying for it tell her you can't afford it that you're broke.

Niles:
oh she'll never believe that he's worth millions

Niles:
I mean what do we really know about this Chandler fellow Miss. Babcock's so fond of?

Mr. Sheffeild:
Where did that Psychiatrist get his degree? is what I'd like to know

Brighton:
Gin

Mr. Sheffield:
I mean what kind of imbecile encourages a single woman to go out with two couples like some kind of fifth wheel

Niles:
Yes it's madness sir

Mr. Sheffield:
I sent her to that Psychiatrist to stop this dating lunacy and get her to spend more time here with me...well um the children

Mr. Sheffield:
I don't know why i'm always having to defend myself to you "mmm", I'm a grown man i can come and go as i please.

Fran:
I don't know who you are anymore

Mr. Sheffield:
I'm your boss you are the nanny and that is an end to the discussion

Fran:
fine then i'll say no more

Mr. Sheffield:
Thank You, (Fran throws a roll and hits Max with it)

Fran:
Hello Mr Sheffield

Mr. Sheffield:
Ah miss fine you seamed to have moved passed the unpleasantness of the other morning. Did you have a good theropy session?

Fran:
oh Mr. Sheffield what goes on in a therapist office is confidential you really shouldn't pry into the private lives of others "oh the new people"

Mr. Sheffield:
i'm glad your feeling better Miss Fine

Fran:
Oh i am Dr. Miller is a genius he is so intelligent and insightful i swear i have never met a man who understood me more

Mr. Sheffield:
oh sounds to me like someone has a little crush on their theropist

Fran:
sounds to me like someone is a little jealous, see what your doing don't you you are elevating me to the status of wife, that's why you can't stand to see me act like a beautiful single woman

Mr. Sheffield:
I can assure you Miss fine i am not jealous

Fran:
Denial

Mr. Sheffield:
I'm not in denial

Fran:
Denying Denial

Mr. Sheffield:
Alright, now this is it. Now, if they start to shoot our row, I don't want anyone making rabbit ears behind anyone else's heads, alright? Just behave yourselves.

Brighton:
When did I ever do that?

Mr. Sheffield:
I wasn't speaking to you.

Niles:
Oh, one time at the Angela Lansbury roast. Would you let it go?

Mr. Sheffield:
Now Miss. Fine you did understand this party was for cast and crew only, i mean you really weren't expecting to be invited were you?

Fine:
No (She rips off her robe revealing a dress)

Mr. Sheffield:
Miss Fine I can't, I'm sorry I just can't

Fran:
Mr. Sheffield is there something you haven't told me something that might have happened in the Falklands

Mr. Sheffield:
No of course no, I'm talking about this what we're about to do it just all seems wrong.

Fran:
you know now I don't know if I am coming or going I mean you keep giving me mixed messages you act like you want me

Mr. Sheffield:
Of course I want you your a very sexy beautiful woman.

Fran:
You know now would be a good time to end this argument

Mr. Sheffield:
Miss. Fine don't you see what we are about to do here was a very serious step to take, oh your not just a one night stand.

Fran:
Me, oh no of course not, Look Mr. Sheffield you know i always thought we were going to end up together but if it ain't going to happen now it ain't going to happen

Mr. Sheffield:
Look i didn't say it will never happen.

Fran:
well i think my chances are only going to decrease as i slowly morph into Yetta, Four years it's enough already i can't take it anymore i'm outta here

Mr. Sheffield (Picking up Fran's suitcase and throwing it) look, Miss. Fine, i am not giving in to my urges the stakes are far to high I'm a bloody gentleman after all.

(When Fran finds out who the man on trail is)Fran:
He is on the cover of every romance novel. (CC gasps) Fran: You know him? CC: No! You read?