The New Adventures of Old Christine, Season 1

Ritchie:
Why is everyone's car so much bigger than ours?

Christine:
Because they don't believe in themselves.

Richie:
Do we believe in ourselves?

Christine:
[shrugs] Look at our car.

Richard:
How's my little third-grader?

Richie:
I look ridiculous in these clothes.

Richard:
Yeah... you kinda do.

Christine:
Richard, don't make this harder for me.

Richard:
I'm sorry. [to Richie] Cool pants, is that Rayon?

Christine:
[about her dry spell] Sex used to be my thing. God, in-fact senior year in high school I was a bit of a slut. That is what I was known for.

Richard:
Mind if I use your bathroom?

Christine:
Oh.

Richard:
I got to make a pit stop, not a full pit stop just an oil change. I'm going to pee.

Burton:
You okay there?

Christine:
Yeah, it's my new date-night underwear. It just got to fifth base.

Christine:
Ritchie, we have talked about this. You're eight years old. We live in Los Angeles. You have to learn how to swim.

Ritchie:
Why?

Christine:
Because, honey, you can't keep going to pool parties telling people you're having your period.

Ritchie:
What's intercourse?

Matthew:
Something to do with golf. You should ask your mom.

Ritchie:
Does mom golf?

Matthew:
She's been known to hit the links.

Christine:
Oh, come on, it hasn't been that bad, has it? I mean, didn't doing it in your car last week make you feel like a teenager?

Burton:
Yeah, until I got home and I had to ice... everything.

Christine:
No kidding, I got a bruise from knee to nipple.

Richard:
It shouldn't be this difficult. I mean I said 'I love you' on our first date, and you said it back to me.

Christine:
We had just seen Ghost. I would have told the movie-usher I loved him.

Richard:
It's good to know our marriage was based on such a rock solid foundation.

Christine:
It worked out pretty good... except for the divorce.

Matthew:
What's going on?

Christine:
Nate just said the "F" word.

Matthew:
So? You say that word all the time; you said it three times in the car on the way over here.

Christine:
No, the other "F" word-the gay one.

Frank:
What are the families like?

Christine:
Great families-very involved.

Frank:
But would you describe them as having good values?

Christine:
"Good values?" Oh, definitely, great values, I mean just like us.

Frank:
Good, cause our last school had way too many fags.

Liz:
Do you like being a nanny?

Matthew:
I do, although I prefer the word manny.

Christine:
It's not a lesson party, it's a party... with a lesson.

Christine:
Are you saying that the divorce was my fault?

Hillary:
It wouldn't be ethical of me to tell you that.

Christine:
Was it anyone's fault?

Hillary:
Yes.

Christine:
Was it Richard's fault?

Hillary:
No.

[Christine is trying desperately to get into a sold out Rolling Stones concert]

Christine:
Sir, uh, I'm sorry, let me just explain to you my situation. Okay, my nine-year-old is in there with his father and his new girlfriend, and there's a very strong possibility that he's gonna let him go to the bathroom on his own.

Ticket Window Clerk:
I'm so sorry. I didn't, I didn't know. We keep two emergency tickets available for situations like this. Is the fourth row okay?

Christine:
That would be great.

Ticket Window Clerk:
OK, uh let me just get those for you. [looking questioningly around the booth] Where do we keep them? Duh, they're right here! [he reaches up and slams the window blind shut in her face]

Christine:
He's not getting the tickets?

Matthew:
Uh, no, sweetie, he's not.

Christine:
Do you ever let your armpit hair grow, just to see how long it can get?

Belinda:
Ew, no. Do you?

Christine:
Nooo...

Christine:
Well, I'm leaving. I want to thank you for a particularly humiliating afternoon.

Belinda:
Are you mad at me?

Christine:
Mad at you? Oh no, that was great. I don't know which part was my favorite: serving drinks to the "Meanie Moms" or watching Marly's husband massage your gums with his tongue.

Belinda:
I know. I'm sorry. I should have locked the door.

Christine:
Yeah, that's pretty much the only thing that was wrong with it. You know, I'm not Marly's biggest fan but she really doesn't deserve this.

Belinda:
I know. It's wrong, but I hope that you and I can still be friends.

Christine:
Yeah, I don't think so.

Belinda:
Why, because I'm Portuguese? Because I'm a maid?

Christine:
Ah, no, it's because, well, you're kind of a whore.

Richard:
What am I doing?!

Matthew:
Apparently my sister.

Christine:
I was vulnerable, I was having a hard day! You took advantage of me!

Richard:
You put your hands down my pants!

Burton:
Christine, I'm sorry. I know you were probably kind of surprised to see that I was seeing someone so soon after we broke up. But I really didn't think it would bother you, especially since you're the one who broke up with me.

Christine:
Oh, no, it didn't bother me. I've seen people too, lots. I'm the town factory for God's sake. You can't close me down.

Christine:
Stripper boots! Those weren't stripper boots! I'll have you know those were hooker boots!