The O.C., Season 2

Sandy:
Sometimes the best thing is for a kid to have some space.

Kirsten:
The Pacific Ocean? That's not enough space?

Summer:
I feel like my flesh is melting. I just hope it melts evenly.

Sandy:
I gotta be at the OC airport in half an hour. I'm heading up to Portland.

Caleb:
To see Seth.

Sandy:
Yeah.

Caleb:
I don't get it. His best friend leaves, so he runs off with another boy and his gay dad. You gotta admit, sounds kinda strange.

Sandy:
And this coming from a guy who is one click away from wearing a wig and a fake moustache.

Luke:
Seth got in a little fight with his mom.

Seth:
Thank you. That was both honest and emasculating.

Summer:
Well my therapist said the best thing I can do to move on in my life, is to divest myself of Seth's material possessions. [Kirsten looks confused] I've got to dump off a bunch of his crap.

Theresa:
The only reason you stayed was because of this baby. And now there isn't a baby.

Ryan:
You don't want me to come home.

Theresa:
You don't want to come home.

Ryan:
I'm gonna brood. Silently. Over here.

Seth:
You're gonna walk up to her [Marissa] in front of the entire student body and and be all "hey" and just hope she "heys" you back?

Ryan:
[pause] Yeah, we're not going to school.

Seth:
[passing out flyers] Hey, guys. Comic Book League. Check it out. We're gonna to be getting into the issues. The stuff that matters. You know what I mean? Today's topic: capes. Fey, or kinda cool?

Seth:
Ryan, would you please take the minutes?

Ryan:
Uh, Seth, it's just us.

Seth:
Yeah, uh-huh. Write that down.

Seth:
So, today's topics, we have some topics... The Hulk. He gets bigger, all his clothes rip off. Except his pants. Why is that?

Marissa:
Come on, I can't wait for you to see the rest of the house. And the look on my mom's face when she sees you in it.

Sandy:
Have dinner with us instead. I won't cook, I promise. Although if Kirsten's mad enough at you, she might.

Summer:
What do you want from me, Cohen?

Seth:
I just want you.

Summer:
No, you don't. You had me. You had me at Chrismukkah in a freakin' Wonderwoman costume and you chose Anna. You had me three months ago and you left.

Seth:
I want to make that up to you.

Summer:
It has nothing to do with me. It's about you. And it is always about you. What you need and what you want. You know, it seems you only want me when you can't have me. You like the chase, and that's all. So you know what? You can have it.

Seth:
I'm like a monster, dude, I'm all I think about. And not in a good way.

Ryan:
There's a good way?

Seth:
I have a mop, Ryan!

Ryan:
You got a mop, Bro!

Ryan:
I promise I'll keep my hands to myself.

Lindsay:
Well, it's your elbow I'm worried about.

Alex:
That's sweet. It's pathetic but sweet.

Seth:
Yeah, that's my niche. Pathetic and sweet.

Kirsten:
You quit?

Sandy:
Or got fired. Quit/got fired.

Seth:
I'm back, Ryan. Cohen classic. Red, white and me.

Sandy:
She's agreed to supervised visitation. 20 minutes, max.

Caleb:
She's my daughter. I don't need to be supervised.

Sandy:
No, I'm supervising her. I'm afraid she might kill you.

Ryan:
Seth shops for girlfriends in the yearbook.

Seth:
Man, I said I wanted to marry her, not date her. Okay?

Seth:
Her with a tattoo, you with a wristband. That's like the ultimate wrong-side-of-the-tracks love story. Seriously, you are the Sid to her Nancy, the Kurt to her Courtney. The 50 Cent to Mrs. Cent.

Seth:
My friend Ryan, he's really cool, okay? He's very anti-establishment. He enjoys sunset walks on the beach, punching people, and not smiling.

Alex:
And that's how you see me?

Seth:
Yeah. Only with less smiling.

Alex:
You're out of your mind.

Seth:
Maybe I am, Alex. Maybe I'm like, so far out of my mind that I'm in yours.

Julie:
Truth is, being CEO is a bitch.

Jimmy:
Hmm, you'd think you'd be a natural.

Seth:
I've redefined rock-bottom several times tonight.

Summer:
You've gotta go, like, Ice-Man on her ass, see how she likes it.

Seth:
Wow, was that your first X-Men reference?

Summer:
Top Gun.

Seth:
Top Gun. Hey, that's one of the greatest love stories of our time.

Seth:
That is how lame I have become. I can't even be third-wheel to an actual relationship.

Sandy:
Never underestimate a parent's ability to mortify his child.

Zach:
I get it. You guys are just one of those couples. Even when you're not being a couple, you'll always be a couple. You're Joanie and Chachi, Luke and Leia.

Seth:
Luke and Leia were brother and sister.

Zach:
Yeah, well, may the Force be with you.

Julie:
I was easier to love back then. I was beautiful and much nicer.

Jimmy:
Jules, c'mon. You're still beautiful. And we both know you were never nice.

Julie:
It's been so long since we've done this.

Jimmy:
Well, it's like riding a bike... An incredibly toned and, you know, evenly tanned and limber bike.

Sandy:
I've had so many clandestine meetings lately I feel like I'm in an Oliver Stone movie.

Lindsay:
Every kid grows up, stops believing in Santa... I stopped believing in my dad.

Kirsten:
I thought you two were getting along really well.

Julie:
What makes you say that?

Kirsten:
Last week, when you said you and Jimmy were getting along really well.

Seth:
Congratulations. You're a Cohen. Welcome to a life of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt.

Lindsey:
It's a little soon to joke.

Seth:
Not for us Cohens. It's what we do. Laugh through our tears. Make jokes inappropriately soon after a traumatic event. Sometimes we'll just make the joke during the traumatic event.

Seth:
[singing] Moses and Jesus, they both had beards...

Seth:
It's a story as old as time, really. Boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy finds out that girl is surrogate mother's illegitimate half-sister.

Sandy:
I'm guessing it's too soon to joke, Seth. Even for a Cohen.

Seth:
Holy '80s teen comedy plot!

Seth:
I'm so screwed. Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. I get mad, I turn into, like, a 75-year-old yenta... named Sylvia.

Summer:
Your breath smells like Marissa. You are so drunk!

Ryan:
Talked to Alex?

Seth:
She won't answer my calls.

Ryan:
Hm. Might have something to do with all the vomit.

Seth:
All the vomit? How much vomit? Like, the little girl in Sixth Sense or the fat guy in Monty Python?

Ryan:
Well, you wanted to be a bad boy. You did bad.

Marissa:
I brought bagels.

Sandy:
Well, that's the secret password into the Cohen house.

Seth:
If you're alone, cough twice.

Ryan:
I'm alone.

Sandy:
Seth Ezekiel! Kitchen, now! And bring Mr. History of Agriculture with you.

Sandy:
We cannot fight a war on multiple fronts. Have we learned nothing from the Nazis?

Kirsten:
While you're seeing him, maybe we should take a step back.

Lindsay:
A step back? So does that mean we're, like, cousins now?

Summer:
I cannot believe what Chirac said to the Farmers' Union. You go, Jacques!

Marissa:
Who's Kofi Annan?

Summer:
Some guy Zach's mom knows. I think he works for United Airlines.

Sandy:
Ask me while you're giving me the massage. I'm much more inclined to say yes.

Kirsten:
[to Julie] Oh my. There's so much you here.

Seth:
Tonight Newport is our bitch, okay?

Zach:
Have you seen the infomercials for Girls Gone Wild? Because this is exactly how they begin.

Seth:
Ryan, my girlfriend went out with a girl. There's only one thing to do to make it okay.

Zach:
You're gonna hook up with a guy?

Seth:
I should apologize. It's just my pride.

Ryan:
What pride?

Seth:
Yeah I guess there's nothing standing in my way.

Zach:
You should just focus on the good stuff in your life. Like school.. or... comics. Yeah, I got nothing.

Alex:
Sorry, I would have introduced you guys, but I didn't want you to meet.

Ryan:
She's been asking questions about you: who you are, what you're like. And even though I told her, she still wants to get to know you.

Kirsten:
You're going to prison?

Sandy:
Oh, just for the day.

Seth:
Turns out I don't make a very convincing Superhero.

Sandy:
I can see how that might salt your game.

Rebecca:
"Salt my game"? Is that how they talk in Orange County?

Sandy:
Stick around, you'll be saying "rad" in no time.

Ryan:
All right, look. Luke Skywalker was happy to find his dad, right? Even if he turned out to be Darth Vader.

Lindsay:
Ryan, Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader fought each other with lightsabers until one of them died.

Kirsten:
Look, nobody has been crushed by our dad more than me.

Lindsay:
Hey, now there's a club I want to join.

Sandy:
Yeah, while I'm harboring a fugitive I'll go score some pot on the street.

Summer:
Shouldn't you be at the hospital?

Marissa:
Uh, whatever. It's just Caleb. Ryan said he'll be fine. Besides he's like a... a cockroach, you know. He'll outlive us all.

Lindsay:
If it makes you feel any better, I didn't even think I liked you until I thought I lost you.

Seth:
Our noses grazed. And it was like the most sexually charged nose-graze in the history of nose grazes. It's essentially nose-humping, is what it is.

[Kirsten puts roses in the trash compactor.]

Seth:
Looks like I'm not the only one at odds with the universe.

Julie:
When I was in Europe, I did some real soul-searching.

Marissa:
I hope you didn't hurt yourself.

Julie:
Are you going to throw your bedroom furniture in the pool now?

Sandy:
There are days that I think Kirsten and me are bulletproof. I don't wanna test that theory.

Kirsten:
Have you seen Seth?

Sandy:
Well, I've smelled him. Smells like Teen Spirit to me.

Sandy:
The FBI was here.

Kirsten:
Well, it wouldn't be the Cohen house if there wasn't a visit from someone in law enforcement.

Summer:
Party at Caleb's. That sounds awesome. Maybe a little shuffleboard, a little bingo?

Seth:
I think closure's overrated. I'm more of a fan of open-ended, unrequited love.

Ryan:
[about Hellboy] He tries to do good but he usually ends up destroying everything.

Sandy:
Well, that's my kinda hero.

Sandy:
I feel like we've become like strangers.

Kirsten:
Well, I was taught never to talk to strangers.

Julie:
That's very punk of you. You know, I used to like punk in my day.

Marissa:
Mom!

Julie:
Okay, Marissa. It still is my day. I was just being modest.

Seth:
Spiderman is really the only protective headgear I own.

Summer:
Well, it's too bad you weren't wearing protective headgear when you were dropped on your head as a child.

Seth:
Oh, zing!

Seth:
Eureka, Ryan - I can't believe I just said "Eureka" - that's it!

Seth:
I appreciate you selling me my boat back. When I sold it I was in desperate straits. Low blood sugar. No snacks.

Seth:
oh my god

Marissa:
oh my god

Alex:
oh my god

Ryan:
This thing with Lindsay is... different.

Seth:
Different how?

Ryan:
Different as in not fixed by pancakes. And don't ask me how I feel about waffles.

Seth:
Got it.

Julie:
Why this guy? He launched a magazine called The Ugly American.

Kirsten:
I've heard of that. It's an independent travel magazine. It's won a bunch of awards.

Julie:
Fine, but our magazine is about beautiful Americans.

[Ryan and Seth crawl through the duct system.]

Seth:
Hey, Ryan, what did I tell you? Isn't this great? It's like Goonies meets Die Hard by way of Mission Impossible. With, I think, a... slight hint of National Treasure thrown in.

Lance:
Actually, I have something for you.

Julie:
Yeah? Last time you gave me something, I drank cranberry juice for a week.

Alex:
Marissa's not... happy.

Julie:
Marissa and happy parted ways about her 16th birthday but have you met her new friends sullen and vindictive?

Alex:
No, the only ones she's brought over to the house are scared and overwhelmed."

Seth:
How is it that Ryan and Marissa are now the functional couple?

Summer:
Oh, my God, we cannot be more annoying than Ryan and Marissa. We're monsters.

Seth:
I like monsters.

Ryan:
Live in the now, Seth.

Seth:
I'm sorry. I'm afraid I can't do that.

Marissa:
So what's your plan? Who's your social chair savior?

Seth:
Ryan.

Marissa:
Mr. Water polo? I don't think so.

Seth:
Yeah, but think about this. That guy worked in, no no no, he toiled in an actual construction job. Also, he enjoys architecture and burning stuff down.

[Phone rings]

Marissa:
Hello mother. No, I'm not coming home, okay? Bye.

Julie:
Please, do not... [Marissa hangs up] She's such a little me.

Sandy:
Julie, you scared me. More than usual.

Julie:
Always a pleasure, Sanford.

Sandy:
Only Caleb gets to call me Sanford because he won't not.

Carter:
Oh, it's just a little thing I like to call my wedding anniversary.

Kirsten:
You're divorced.

Carter:
No wonder this party sucks.

Seth:
Did I say "slept in a tent"? What I mean to say is that they repented for Lent.

Julie:
I am so screwed.

Sandy:
I know. I saw the footage.

Ryan:
That was Trey.

Kirsten:
Your brother?

Ryan:
Yeah. He's getting out of jail tomorrow. Wants me to pick him up in Chino.

Seth:
Well, there's that family trip you wanted.

Summer:
Oh, my god, I'm having a panic spiral.

Julie:
I made a mistake, Kiki... A naked mistake.

Kirsten:
Excuse me?

Julie:
A hundred years ago, a boyfriend convinced me to let him film me. In the act. I was young, living on rum, and I needed the money.

Seth:
You're still an Atwood. Only a slightly more edgy, darker version, I think. But some people think Ryan's gotten a little softer.

Trey:
Ryan said you talk a lot.

Julie:
You can go on with your life, Cal. But I am never leaving this room. My Howard Hughes phase starts now.

Trey:
Just ah, something I picked up in prison.

Seth:
Ah yeah, the old scallion and chiv omelet. I've seen Lock Up. Stallone's finest work since Over the Top.

Trey:
Stallone, huh? Eh, I'm more of a Van Damme fan.

Ryan:
What, are you kidding me? Seagal, man.

Seth:
Yeah, a divided house cannot eat. Now we all gotta get together between a single action hero.

Sandy:
So... a charity event where the donors keep half the profits and a yard sale with no yard. Hm. So that's how they do it in the OC.

Sandy:
Joan, tell me you didn't order those napkin rings? This is not a mob wedding.

Summer:
You guys bringing back the comic book?

Seth and Zach:
No! No. Goodness gracious no!

Seth:
It's a graphic novel. It's totally different.

Sandy:
Okay, folks, here's a beautiful Erté-esque statue. Yes, indeed. Very fetching. What do we start the bidding at? $75. I guess it's very "esque"... more "esque" than Erté.

Seth:
He doesn't exactly seem overburdened with possessions. Unless that bag of his is like Mary Poppins'... I wish I'd never made that reference.

Seth:
Listen, I love girls and I love comics. But the two do not mix, okay? It's gonna be, like, "Let's make their outfits cuter..."

Lance:
Jules - how the hell did you find me?

Julie:
Well, it was easy, Lance. I just looked for the cheapest, scummiest motel near a liquor store, and voilà.

Summer:
Cohen learned how to grill this summer. It's a major life achievement.

Seth:
That's right. I grilled some corn, I grilled some veggies, I found something in Marissa's fridge, I just- I grilled it.

Summer:
Cohen, just shut up. 'Cause even when you're not lying, you're lying.

Ryan:
I think when the cops showed up and went to put the cuffs on Marissa he [Trey] did what he had to do to stop them.

Seth:
What makes you say that?

Ryan:
I was about to do the same thing.

Seth:
Yeah, sure. The compulsive need to rescue Marissa Cooper must be in the Atwood DNA.

Ryan:
That would explain a lot.

Seth:
Are you thinking of going undercover? A high school sting operation? Because that would be very 21 Jump Street of you.

Ryan:
Whatever it takes.

Seth:
Yeah, okay. I get to be Richard Grieco.

Seth:
I need you help. I have a little quagmire to... un-quag.

Kirsten:
For your punishment, I control the radio on the way home.

Carter:
No. No one who has won on American Idol ever sings in my car.

Lance:
No pre-nup?

Julie:
I think a porn scandal more than nullifies that.

Kirsten:
How many wines have we tasted?

Carter:
According to my notes [checks notes], I stopped taking notes.

Kirsten:
Should we fire ourselves for drinking on the job?

Carter:
Drinking was the job. And I did my job really well, because I'm hammered.

Seth:
I don't believe it, Ryan. Bright Eyes has two albums in the top ten.

Ryan:
You okay with that?

Seth:
Yeah. I just feel like the rest of the world's finally caught up to me. It's a little bit scary.

Ryan:
Yeah, it's a lot scary.

Seth:
Tell me I'm still special.

Seth:
I can't believe she beat me.

Ryan:
I can. Can we eat now?

Seth:
Absolutely not. I won't go down like that. These people look up to me. I'm like a god to them.

Seth:
So what kind of dancing are we talking about? A little Jazz Step, a little Soft Shoe?

Mary Sue:
Actually, it's not quite a dance contest.

Seth:
It isn't?

Mary Sue:
No.

Ryan:
She's got whipped cream, Seth.

Seth:
Yeah, I know. Maybe she's... baking a cake.

Mary Sue:
See, I'm gonna cover myself with whipped cream, and you're gonna lick it all off and eat a cherry out of my mouth before any of the other contestants.

Seth:
Did she say "cherry"?

Mary Sue:
If we win, it would mean so much to my grandma. Not having to worry about my college loans. With all the money she spends on medication.

Seth:
Yeah. It's for Grandma.

Bobby:
She's a great lady, huh? Your mom. What a pistol.

Sandy:
I always thought of her as more of an AK-47.

Sandy:
Look at you, Ma. With a cell phone.

The Nana:
I'm very hip.

Sandy:
I guess so.

The Nana:
I just can't read the buttons.

Sandy:
Do you think I look at all like Tony Blair?

Kirsten:
Uh, you have nicer hair.

Sandy:
Thank you. Good hair. Leader of Great Britain. I would call it a wash.

Seth:
All this time I thought you were a nice guy.

Zach:
Wake up, I'm a water-polo player, we're never nice guys.

Summer:
You know, I really thought things were gonna be different this time. But you haven't changed at all. You've found new and even more public ways of disappointing me.

Julie:
Oh, my gosh. How much vodka did you put in this?

Kirsten:
Normal amount. Little less.

Reed:
Summer, Seth and Zach have talent. They could have careers in comics. But you are the Nico of the group.

Summer:
I'm sorry. I don't get references before 1990.

Caleb:
You have been monitored to one degree or another since before we were married. The affair you had with your former husband. The tryst last year with that high-schooler... Luke.

Julie:
Oh, my God.

Caleb:
I mean, your daughter's boyfriend. What will people think?

Julie:
Ex-boyfriend.

Ryan:
What time is it?

Seth:
It's 5:30... ish.

Ryan:
You're showing up earlier and earlier.

Seth:
Yeah, well, we have a lot of ground to cover. So I figured, since we're both up, we may as well get a jump on it.

Marissa:
So everyone's saying you're going to be voted prom queen. Isn't that, like, your fifth-grade dream coming true?

Summer:
No. My dream involved an actual date. A hot guy in a tux, with a carnation pinned to his lapel. Instead I'm drawing straws between Nerd Boy and Ass Clown.

Seth:
I think one day, pretty soon, we're all gonna have a good laugh about this. Ha ha ha. I know that day feels far off, but comedy is just tragedy plus time.

Caleb:
You know, I really did love you, Ju-Ju.

Julie:
Ooh. Past tense. That stings.

Caleb:
Sorry. Grammatical error.

Crowd Member:
Seth Cohen's a tool!

Seth:
Okay. I know I'm not who you all imagined as prom king, seeing as how I'm not who any of you actually voted for. But she's the queen, and I love her. So I guess that makes me the king.

Summer:
Cohen?

Seth:
No, I'm just the guy standing next to you. You're the queen, all right? I'm the jester, perhaps, if that works. So let me ask you this, Your Highness: what can I do to make it up to you?

Summer:
Well, you can start by dancing with me.

Crowd Member:
But he's a tool!

Sandy:
[to Kirsten] I'm an expert of fighting with your father. And believe me, every time you think you've driven him away, he comes roaring back asking for more - you couldn't beat him off with a stick.

Marissa:
Sorry, Mum. I didn't mean to be a bitch.

Julie:
Well, apples and trees. You are my daughter.

Sandy:
Caleb Nichol was not a man of many words. He was, however a brilliant man. He leaves a legacy of possibility. But his true achievements were his children. He was a caring father, a wonderful grandfather... a truly terrible father-in-law. So he may be gone, but he won't soon be forgotten. So rest in peace, Cal. And, if you can't do that... I'm sure heaven could use a few more McMansions.

Trey:
Jess turned out a little crazier than I expected.

Ryan:
Really? That's a surprise, considering you met her face down in a pool.

Sandy:
There's a doctor coming here this afternoon. He's gonna help us stage an intervention.

Seth:
What? Is this, like, an After-school Special?

Jimmy:
What if I stay? What if we give it another shot? We're both older and wiser now.

Julie:
Well, I'm definitely wiser.

Seth:
[as Kirsten hugs him and Ryan] A two-for-one special on brooding young men.

Kirsten:
She's [Lindsay] so young, she's more like your sister.

Seth:
A sister! I always wanted one of those. Ryan? How about you?

[Sandy and the boys are preparing sandwiches for dinner]

Seth:
Nice. She kept saying the word "nice". You know what that means, don't you?

Sandy:
Aww, she think's you're nice.

Seth:
Yeah, exactly. Nice. As in lacking any edge and/or danger.

Ryan:
Yeah, well, you do have to fix your sandwich.

Seth:
[sigh] No. It's like the more edgy and danger she became, the more I became a good Jewish grandmother.

Sandy:
Not your grandmother. [looks at the untouched corn] Keep shucking, Seth! I want dinner ready by the time your mother gets home.

Seth:
Hey! Maybe, I don't feel like shucking these! Ok, maybe you should go and shuck 'em yourself, old man!!

[Sandy and Ryan both stare at Seth before breaking into laughter]

Ryan:
[snickers] That's good.

Sandy:
[chuckles, sarcastically] You had me shaking in my boots.

Seth:
[in disappointment] I'm so screwed. Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. I get mad, I turn into, like, a 75-year-old yenta... named Sylvia.

Ryan:
You do realize we're both screwed.

Seth:
Dude. I'm wearing a wife-beater.

[Ryan has driven a very drunk Seth home]

Seth:
Ohhhh I know this here. This is the Cohen residence.

Ryan:
[whispers] Ok ok now we have to be really stealthy.

Seth:
Hey, I was all camp, capture the flag, Camp Tuckahoe. I invented the stealth.

Ryan:
All right. You did.

Seth:
I sure did.

Ryan:
[whispers] But you're yelling, you need to be quiet.

[...]

[Seth falls into the bushes after getting out of the car. Sandy comes out of the house to check out the noise.]

Sandy:
What's going on? You guys ok? [sees Ryan] Seth?

Seth:
Shhhhhh....we're being stealth. [attempts to "leap" over the hood of Ryan's car]

Kirsten:
[notices a hungover Seth walking into the kitchen] Oh! Well, if it isn't my son the wino.

Seth:
You guys found out?

Kirsten:
You weren't exactly stealth. [Seth mutters to himself] Your dad's been waiting for you to leave the room so he can send you back to it.

Summer:
Hooking up with your tutor, Zach? Not even that cool in the 80's. I mean, she could've at least been a hooker and helped you get into Princeton.

Alex:
Your husband rocks, by the way.

Kirsten:
Please don't tell him that.

Seth:
So what if Alex has en ex?

Ryan:
Most people do.

Seth:
That's right. It's probably some meathead thug with her name tattooed on his bicep.

Lindsay:
You said it, everyone has an ex...and you seem to hang out with yours a lot.

Ryan:
I do?

Lindsay:
Uh-hmm. You do. Like constantly.

Ryan:
Well...maybe you two should become friends. We can all hang out and it wouldn't be weird.

Lindsay:
[scoffs, deadpan] Yeah. Me and the Cosmogirl, yeah that wouldn't be weird at all.

Sandy:
[sees the Newport Living cover with Julie's portrait] Honey, I don't want to alarm you but there is a giant Julie Cooper on the table.

[Later, Caleb comes to see Sandy]

Caleb:
Is Kirsten here? I was hoping to have a chat with you both. It's about this ungodly magazine of Julie's. You heard about it?

Sandy:
Heard about it? I've got an eighty-foot mock-up in my kitchen. It's gonna haunt me in my sleep!

Seth:
Ok, it is 0700 hours. Let the record show that guys' night out has officially begun.

Zach:
Uh, Seth, 0700 means it's 7 am.

[award silence]

Seth:
Ok, nobody cares that you were at JROTC. Now listen to me. Tonight, Newport is our bitch, okay? So let's go out there and let's do what guys do. [Ryan joins them] Ryan, what do guys do?

Julie:
Why wouldn't American be fascinated with the lives and loves of Orange County's rich and fabulous? We're all beautiful and we're all dysfunctional. Surf, sex and scandal, it's a recipe for a cultural phenomenon, don't you think?

Seth:
Summer and I are getting involved [in the comic book], professionally, Ryan. Now you know how these things go. Late nights at the office...

Ryan:
You don't have an office.

Seth:
Sure, but with the added stress of work and deadlines, you know, things can get...uh, sexy.

Ryan:
You're writing a comic book. Not sexy.

Seth:
We'll await the next great romance to wreck havoc on my heart and mind.

Ryan:
[deadpan] I can hardly wait.

Kirsten:
[about her father Caleb] The one man impervious to miracles.

Summer:
[sees Seth's jaw drop over her sexy outfit] Don't give me the junk in the trunk either.

Seth:
Just the gifts God gave you.

Ryan:
I just had a lot of people in my life who just left. Thought those days were gone, but guess they aren't.

Seth:
Family time's always best when it's forced.

Seth:
As your brother, your other brother who is less related to you, I officially have your back.

Ryan:
[deadpan] Thanks man.

Seth:
[to Sandy and Ryan] I think I should head down to prison with you guys and take the day off school. We all know I've have some....behavioral issues this year and I think prison might be...just the thing to scare me straight.

[Sandy smirks while Ryan stares at Seth]

Kirsten:
Nice try. [throws Seth an apple, which he catches] Get to school.

Summer:
Zach???? Oh, my god, I'm having a panic spiral.

Marissa:
Wait, that's Zach on the Vespa?

Summer:
I didn't think he'd come back. He was in Italy for so long I assumed he bought a villa and opened an espresso bar.

Seth:
You seem different. You seem like...um––

Zach:
Like I'm vibrating in a very high frequency.

Sophie ("The Nana"):
[on the phone] Sethelah.

Seth:
Nanelah.

Sandy:
I love my mother. Who else would?

Kirsten:
That's terrible!

Sandy:
You wouldn't say the same thing about your dad.

Summer:
Just go. Sow your oats. Get all of your Coheny-Cohenish-Cohenisms out of your system.

Sandy:
Look, we want to go away for the weekend, and if we can't trust you by yourselves, you're gonna have to stay with your grandfather. Which means you'll be spending the weekend with Julie Cooper.

Seth & Ryan:
[look at each other] You can trust us.

Sandy:
Good, now go do your homework.

[Seth and Ryan sheepishly leave]

Sandy:
[out of the boys' earshot] Nothing like a little Julie Cooper to strike terror in the hearts of children everywhere.

Kirsten:
[smirks] Very impressive!