The Oblongs, Season 1

Milo:
[to Teacher] You may control my mind but you'll never control my ass!

Peggy:
I can't wait to get back to school and resume learning!

Helga:
I can't wait till you drown in your saliva.

Susie:
Drowning is my third favorite way to die. But, they are all good.

Mikey:
(pulls a set of keys from his buttocks) Hey, I found my mom's car keys in my butt flaps

Bob:
[to Milo] Son, you know you're forbidden to handle anything sharper than a boiled egg!

Yyvette:
Yvette to mother ship. Bald nerd child presumed incinerated. Research incomplete. Returning to base.

P.A.:
Negative. Not cost-effective. Terminate self.

Yyvette:
Aw, crap. [powders to ashes]

Helga:
[to Milo] I quit! Injure your own damn self!

Pickles:
Hello, Pristine.

Pristine:
Pickles, fabulous to see you! Love your hair, where'd you buy it?

Pickles:
Off some whore. I think it was your mother.

Pristine:
Well, gotta run. I don't want my daughter and her friends exposed to a drunken hose-bag. Oh, my gosh, did I say that out loud?

Pickles:
[takes out license plate that says Debbie] Look! A novelity license plate that says Debbie! [all The Debbies and Pristine tackle for it]

Beth:
Milo said he's not going to school today.

Pickles:
Beth, honey, nobody likes a tattletale.

Bob:
I do. They're an essential part of any family. You keep right on tattling, sweetie pie.

Beth:
Daddy has a magazine with naked ladies hugging.

Bob:
Ehh, criminy.

Susie:
[after getting caught setting fire to the clubhouse] I have a problem.

Milo:
That's homeless Bill, he smells like pee-pee... I'M KEEPING HIM!

Milo:
What are you doing?

Pickles:
Burying beer. Ah crud, that means I drank gopher poison.

Milo:
Dear God or God-like figure; when I wake up, please make Scottie all better. Look around. You owe me.

Biff:
[referring to Scottie] What's wrong with him?

Bob:
He's a narcoleptic.

Chip:
An undercover drug agent?

Bob:
Uh, sure, fine. Run.

Helga:
Hey, push that box of cow hooves closer here!

Helga (after licking box):
Oh, god yes!

Chip:
[after he puts on a police uniform and Biff tries to strangle him] Hey, thats me, idiot.

Bob:
Dag nabet I'm still riddled with tartar!

Bob:
[about Mrs. Hubbard] Good lord. That old biddy is nuts.

Pickles:
Bob, she's right here.

Milo:
Finally we can experince the magic

Helga:
[To Peggy] Told ya he was gay.

Jared:
Hey valley geeks, get your paws of our insects

Jared:
I said it before and I'll say it again. Get em'

Friends:
Aaaaaaaaaaaah.

Peggy:
Hip-hip-hello Helga! Milo sent me!

Helga:
He told our secret?! [In a demonic voice, she goes berserk and says something about the devil in Latin]

Helga:
You're going to leave me aren't you? Everyone I care about leaves me!! [sobs loudly]

Helga:
[About eating wedding cake] I get all my major color food groups. Red, White,... mostly white.

Milo:
So what's going on after school?

Susie:
Well, there was a murder on my street and the chalk outline is still there. We can play hopscotch.

[Helga runs in]

Helga:
He already has plans, you ho!

Susie:
Whoa, easy.

Helga:
I don't like you two hussies macking on my man.

Peggy:
[Peggy does the finger wave] Oh no she didn't just call me a ho!

Mayor:
I give you Mrs. Hubbard. I don't know her first name.

Mrs. Hubbard:
All the children need is the Good Book and what's in it.

[Mrs. Hubbard places the Bible down, opens it and takes out a gun]

Mrs. Hubbard:
Behold: the Piece of the Lord.

[Mrs. Hubbard accidentally fires the pistol]

Mrs. Hubbard:
Sorry.

Milo:
Wait, you can't arrest her. Her parents abandoned her. She just needs love.

Sheriff:
What she needs is a salad.

Bob:
Pickles is right. Milo has too much sense to take drugs.

Milo:
Wow, I've never seen so much crack. [cut to shot of Milo looking at Mikey's butt]

Milo:
Finally, we can experience the magic.

Helga:
Told you he was gay.

Bob's book title:
Kids Snort the Darnedest Things

Milo:
I'm trying to find Helga's parents on the internet, but I keep getting distracted by porn.

Milo:
I knew we'd find our way to happiness!!!

Helga:
I always knew he was gay.

Helga:
Oh my...you're giving me the vapors!

Milo:
I've smelled your vapors...and that's my cue, SEE YA!

Bob:
Milo; No more fooling around. I want you to take me to your drug stash.

Milo:
Oky-dok.

[Milo takes his dad to a cabinet filled with many different pill bottles]

Bob:
Not your prescription drugs; I'm talking about the bad kind.

Milo:
Dad, there's enough in there to drop Elvis.

Milo:
You're out of order! You're out of order! This whole damn courts out of order!!!

Judge:
[hits mallet] Silence boy!

Milo:
Sorry I'm not right in the head.

Peggy:
I can't believe people thought hat stupid bucket you wore yesterday was cool

Helga:
No one even noticed that I finally shaved my pits.

[Shoes come down and hit Mikey in the head and knock him out]

Milo:
Wow, these are Michael Jumps-a-Lots! I'm keeping them!

[Hobo walks by]

Hobo:
Wow, an unconscious kid! I'm keeping him! [picks up Mikey]

Helga:
Wow! I've never felt prettier then with this garbage can over my head. Wow, the irony is even in my grasp.

Helga:
Let's doing the own my ladys

Helga:
Let's by the askalater

Helga:
And that's how I needs to go

Milo:
Look they got tommy vinegear

Saleswoman:
Maybe I help you

Mikey:
Do you have anything that will take attention away from my buttocks?

Saleswoman:
A world war?

Helga:
You're funny! You're also old.

Susie:
Soon you will be dead. Then we dig up your grave and make your corpse do embarrassing things à la Weekend at Bernie's.

Bob:
Parent-teacher night is two hoots and a sock full of yowzas!

Chip:
How do you survive in the world?

Bob:
It's probably best not to wear those today, son. It's raining cats and dogs outside.

Milo:
Oh, no!

Bob:
Actually, it's raining rain. I'm just busting your chops.

Susie:
[To Milo, while wearing a frilly dress] You cruel bastard.

Bob:
Where are all our customers? Surely everyone saw the one-line advertisement I placed in the "et cetera" section of our local PennySaver.

Beth:
Maybe they don't want to smell like flowers and pork.

Pickles:
That's their problem. I think it's two great smells that smell great together.

Pickles:
There ya go. Now it's a ham bucket.

[The family is having dinner in a restaurant]

Biff:
Man, I wish we could eat decent food like this every day.

Pickles:
I wish you could too, but that would involve me and the kitchen, and I'm just not seeing it.

Beth:
But I haven't grown in two years, well, unless you count this

Pickles:
Hey, if I came up with a few more fashion ideas, I could get enough money to buy the schools stove

Milo:
Promise you won't forget about this when the martinis wear off

Pickles:
Oh kids, they never wear off

[Pickles is selling ham buckets. Milo's friends arrive]

Pickles:
Fifty bucks.

Helga:
Fiddy bones? I ain't got that kind of scratch. I work for a living, lady.

Pickles:
For Milo's little friends, they're on the house.

Milo:
But they'll cheapen the coolness factor.

Pickles:
Do you want another spanking like last night?

Milo:
Mom, that wasn't me. That was Dad.

Pickles:
That's none of your business.

Helga:
I've never felt prettier with this garbage can on my head. Wow, the irony is within my grasp

Debbie:
[after seeing Milo fall down a flight of stairs] Bitchin' move!

[The other kids follow suit]

Jared:
Ow! My spine!

Pickles:
Here, take this and go get me 50 buckets and 50 yams!

Milo:
HAMS, mom! Who would wear a yam?!

[Pickles answers the door and sees all the Debbies standing on her porch]

Pickles:
Either I'm really smashed or you and your friends look exactly alike!

Helga:
Well, well, well! A dog always returns to its vomit... wait a minute.

Jared:
How come he got two fruity kisses and I only got one?

Milo:
It is part of the enigma that is Meelo

Milo:
Okay, everyone, it's Showtime

Susie:
You cruel bastard

Milo:
Helga, stop eating your fringe.

Helga:
You shouldn't have made it out of bacon.

Peggy:
Why should we help you when you've been a fantastic ass?!

Milo:
I know about the attitude, but how do I not care about what people think?

Pickles:
Well, I have a great husband and great kids and you all think I'm cool.

Milo:
Are you saying I should marry Dad?

Bob:
You just ruined what could have been a very poignant family moment.

Pickles:
Should we hug anyway

Milo:
I don't care

Pickles:
That's my boy